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Original poster

Can you ever be just great mates with a man?

73 replies

DailySplodge · 01/06/2017 20:44

Is it possible to be just great mates with a man or is there always a sexual undercurrent? Is it possible to play around & do fun silly things like best mates, ie go-karting or paddling along the beach, cinema, day trips out etc whatever, without sexual chemistry getting in the way?

OP posts:
QueenMortificado · 01/06/2017 20:47

I used to think so, but in my experience now I think no. Someone always develops feelings at some time, especially if you're both single / jealously develops and the friendship tails off when one of you gets a partner.

I have an excellent male friend now, but he's married and I know his wife very well too. Definitely nothing there.

AllStar14 · 01/06/2017 20:49

Absolutely. One of my closest friends is male and we have a wonderful relationship with no attraction from either side.

hahahaIdontgetit · 01/06/2017 20:49

I've got a few best mates, some of whom are men, if what you're talking about is group activities definitely, but I wouldn't go paddling with a female friend or "playing around" so doing that with a male friend would seem weird.

If you're talking about a walk on a beach I think that's different - don't ask me why, I just think it is.

Bant · 01/06/2017 20:53

Yeah, I've got several women friends and there's no sexual attraction at all. I've got other ones where there is a bit of flirting but nothing serious, and other ones where we know it just wouldn't work.

I'm presuming the ones where I don't fancy them at all don't fancy me either.

Original poster
DailySplodge · 01/06/2017 20:55

I should have mentioned we're both single.

OP posts:
SafeWord · 01/06/2017 20:58

I love having male friends. I think you just have to be honest with yourself about whether there are feelings on either side. if so someone will get hurt.

Original poster
DailySplodge · 01/06/2017 20:59

I like him a lot like a best mate & we seem to get on really well. It innocently feels a bit like having a fun brother. I think I've answered my own question. In our case there's something else beginning to go on. So now I have a choice, to let it happen or stop it here. I was just enjoying the great mates & no strings thing. If I say anything though, that's the innocent bubble burst.

OP posts:
grungeneverdied · 01/06/2017 21:03

I have a few female friends that are completely innocent (well at least on my half as I'm not a mind reader) but since being in a relationship certain boundaries have gone up in respects to my partner but I think you can have a platonic opposite sex relationship for sure.

JK1773 · 01/06/2017 21:03

I met a guy last year who I had a very brief relationship with. I ended it for various reasons but mainly because we are at different stages of our lives. We've managed to remain very good friends but it helps that we have a big group of friends. I see him on my own from time to time. He was a bit quiet when I met DP but he's ok now. I think it's complicated because my ex would still take me back I think (he might not) but we are great friends and he is a thoroughly decent man. I think it can be difficult if one of you has feelings but if you're clear and both sensible it can be fine

toffeeboffin · 01/06/2017 21:05

I don't think so, no.

One of the pair always wants more than just friendship.

Peanutbuttercheese · 01/06/2017 21:05

I always thought so and worked in male dominated environment for few years. I ended up marrying best mate I have had 2 male friends come on to me. One was quite recent and he is married. We had been friends for about 8 years, it's when he knew DH and I were possibly breaking up. TBH that devastated me.

MumBod · 01/06/2017 21:09

Nah. Someone's always having a think and a wonder, ime.

HundredMilesAnHour · 01/06/2017 21:15

Absolutely yes. I probably have more close male friends than female friends (I work in a male dominated industry so work colleagues who become friends with me tend to be male).

When I was a lot younger (early 20s), yes there was some "chemistry" with some of my male friends. Sometimes it was on both sides so we acted on it and sometimes we didn't. Sometimes it was one-sided so we ignored it until the problem went away. Now I'm older (40s), it isn't an issue. Most of my male friends are married/involved anyway.There has at times been "issues" with male friends when their DW/DP hasn't been happy about them spending time with me and I've lost a few male friends as a result. Luckily, most of my male friends' DWs are lovely women and I've become good friends with them too. In fact, I just got back from a weekend overseas surprising a male friend for his birthday. All arranged through his DW (I get more sense out of her!) There has never been any "undercurrent" between my friend and I. I was his "work wife" for 3 years (until we all moved countries) and we bicker like an old married couple, whether it's in an office environment or in his back garden (I was often invited round for gardening/slaving duties under the pretext of a BBQ - and would then be told off for turning up in a dress and sandals!)

I think if you're both single it can be harder as other people tend to gossip or suggest there's something going on (or should be!). Just ignore them. Some people have nothing better to do!

PenguinOfDoom · 01/06/2017 21:22

I think you can. I've had lots of male friends over the years and not had any problems. There are a couple of male friends I go for dinner/drinks with reasonably regularly and there has never been any undercurrents. I've met both their DPs and they clearly have no problem. DH has also met them and is fine with it.

One was a former work colleague and we got friendly while working together. The most irritating thing was other colleagues assuming there was something going on (we worked in the same dept and sat near each other) and making comments about us. They didn't make comments about the female work colleague who I also used to chat to and socialise with a lot.

Branleuse · 01/06/2017 21:25

rarely works

Crumbs1 · 01/06/2017 21:26

One of my closest friends is a man - he's gay, so that alters the dynamic somewhat but he's still a man.

barrygetamoveonplease · 01/06/2017 21:26

Absolutely not. People who think they can are kidding themselves.

Original poster
DailySplodge · 01/06/2017 21:30

Part of me thinks what if we take the next step but find we're not compatible & it all goes pear-shaped? Then I'll have lost a fun friend.

OP posts:
SmilingButClueless · 01/06/2017 21:30

I absolutely think you can, but I think it's easier if one or both of you are in a relationship. Because then that takes all the "what-ifs" off the table; the parameters of the relationship are absolutely clear.

If you're both single, not so much. It's possible - but in my experience one party wants to be more than friends and then the relationship changes when the other finds a partner.

Pansiesandredrosesandmarigolds · 01/06/2017 21:31

Yes.

ShowOfHands · 01/06/2017 21:34

My oldest friend I've known for 32 years. He has a fiancee of 12yrs and a child. I'm married to DH of 18yrs with 2 children. There has never, ever been a question of whether we're platonic. He's my friend, no more.

wherearemymarbles · 01/06/2017 22:07

Yep. My oldest friend who ive known 44 years is female. Before we both married we shared beds on countless occasions, been skinny dipping etc etc.
I have several other close female friends and likewise there has never been an issue with sex getting in the way

Pinkheart5917 · 01/06/2017 22:15

Yes of course. I can honestly say I don't want to jump on every single man in the world!

My best friend is a man, I've known him since I was at school we have some of the same interests, we go out for a drink now and then or paint balling with the rest of the friend group. Him and dh get on well too. I have never been attracted to my friend, we have no sexual chemistry

I think it's odd some people don't believe men & women can be friends, I can't imagine only having female friends

caoraich · 01/06/2017 22:23

Yep, definitely. Some of my closest friends are men

My absolute best friend I have been friends with for ten years. We did all sorts of friend activities, holidays, meals out etc. together. When we were both single we used to bemoan the fact that neither of us fancied the other one because we'd have been perfect together!

I now live with my partner, and I was Best Woman at his wedding. He and my DP get on well, and his wife and I have become friends. My friend lives about 300 miles away now but we skype and visit each other regularly.

HeddaGarbled · 01/06/2017 22:24

Yes, you can.

Unfortunately, a lot of people do exactly what you are doing which is pretend outwardly that they are 'just good friends' while hiding, often not very well, that one or both of them would definitely be up for something more given the chance.

That's why so many people are doubtful and suspicious about close friendships between men and women. They absolutely can happen, but not in your situation.

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