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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I leave the love of my life?

87 replies

iknowwhythecagedbirdsings · 31/05/2017 15:50

Just that really, I have been with my current partner for 9 months. He came into my life straight after a messy divorce and we have both fallen head over heels for each other. However over the last 4 weeks he has pulled away and cut me out. He maintains he loves me and wants to make this work. But he has bipolar 2 and has a history of self sabotage. He fluctuates between wanting to be with me to the point it's all encompassing to not wanting to be with me at all. I love him with all I have within me but I have to find a way to let him go I know this. My children and I deserve stability and not seeing their mother broken on a weekly basis because I think if we have a good few days the relationship is back on track. Only for him to pull away and go cold again. How do you cut out someone when you both love each other deeply. We live a short distance from each other and will probably still bump into each other on a weekly at least basis.

OP posts:
movingon2017 · 31/05/2017 17:17

I've just ended a 6 month relationship with someone very similar and I would say you have done the right thing. The stress isn't worth the heartache. I was also waiting to see if it got better/went back to how it was before but as someone else said, you'd always be worried it would happen again and would be waiting for it to. You've done the right thing for you and your kids.

WeAllHaveWings · 31/05/2017 17:17

Please bear in mind he will have been working hard on his best behaviour to impress you in the early months of your relationship, but as you become more comfortable together he will relax into his normal behaviour which could be what you are seeing now.

Adora10 · 31/05/2017 17:18

Ok sorry OP, the last month things have changed dramatically.

Regardless, I'd not get involved or have my children witness someone who has this condition, esp when it involves him treating me like crap.

AcrossthePond55 · 31/05/2017 17:23

OK, so here's the thing to remember: The true love of your life is the one who loves you back as unselfishly as you love them.

It's not necessarily a 'time thing'. My parents married after knowing each other 9 months. My DH and I fell in love at first sight and married after 10 months. We've been married 30 years now, my parents were married 52, until the death of my dad. BUT from the very first these were relationships of equals and based on mutual truth, kindness, and respect for the other person because that is what love is. They were not turbulent. They were not truly hurtful. They did not cause a lot of 'worry'.

This man is not the 'love of your life'.

DelphiniumBlue · 31/05/2017 17:24

You'd help yourself by making certain not to romanticize this relationship.
Isn't it a bit over-dramatic to call him " the love of your life"?
There's no need for that sort of flowery description, and thinking in those terms won't help you think practically.
If you're in bits because of his mood swings, it seems that this relationship is not working for either of you.
Time to think of your DC, woman up, and end it without further ado.

Original poster
iknowwhythecagedbirdsings · 31/05/2017 17:25

Messofajess thank-you xx I feel like I will constantly say what if. He is truly such a beautiful soul and so loving and caring but he knows he isn't treating me well either.

Weallhavewings he hasn't been on his best behaviour but he is currently going through a MASSIVE life changing stress himself which is very easy to see why he has slipped into such dark depression.

Movingon well done!! I'm hoping the day will come soon enough when I can stop saying to myself that I could have given it more time but essentially how long is a piece of string?! and yes the issue that at one time years down the line we could return to this place or even worse would never allow me to fully relax.

OP posts:
Fluffypinkpyjamas · 31/05/2017 17:26

8 months and so much drama; crying etc, sorry but nobody is worth that much heartache so early on; love of your life, really, in such a short space of time full of hurt and rejection.Sorry he is ill but your priority is your kids and they need to see a happy calm mum, not one crying on a weekly basis cos he's dumped you again

Adora is spot on there!

The love of your life? Hmm No he is not the love of your life, he is a twat.

Love doesn't have to be a constant drama, it shouldn't hurt, certainly it should not make you miserable. You won't meet the real love of your life whilst you're entertaining this man.

Nevergrowingold · 31/05/2017 17:26

The thing is, he probably isn't the love of your life because you are still getting to know him and finding he is not the person you thought he was at the start.

I find it takes a good year to get to know someone.

TempusEedjit · 31/05/2017 17:26

Opening up can either be a good thing - honest and up front etc - or can actually be a bad sign, a sort of obtaining permission to behave badly in the relationship..."you can't complain if I treat you badly because I told you what I was like from the start."

Your DC are old enough to pick up on your mood if you are upset because he is ghosting you or whatever. You say he has a history of self sabotage so it's not like he's suffering from a one-off ailment where you can wait for him to get better. You can't "love" him better. Well done for making the right decision.

newnoo · 31/05/2017 17:27

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

Original poster
iknowwhythecagedbirdsings · 31/05/2017 17:28

Delphiniumblue it has ended!! I said upthread I had ended it. It was a romantic very loving relationship until v recently so why must I pretend otherwise?!

OP posts:
Anothernewnn · 31/05/2017 17:29

I'm with you OP. Sometimes we can love someone deeply in a short space of time.

But...fast forward 5 years. Can you live with the ups and extreme lows knowing that it is part of your everyday life now? Because that is the reality.

myusernameisgeneric · 31/05/2017 17:31

If he was the love of your life he wouldn't treat you like this. It's rebound not everlasting love. You and your kids deserve more. Get out now. You leave because you know you have to. It's not fair to live like this.

Original poster
iknowwhythecagedbirdsings · 31/05/2017 17:33

Thank-you everyone for all your support and guidance! I'm going to spend some time reconnecting with my friends and concentrating on myself and my children. He has already been blocked on everything....

OP posts:
Original poster
iknowwhythecagedbirdsings · 31/05/2017 17:35

Now I just need to hope the sunny spell lasts a little longer so I can continue to wear my no eye contact sunglasses in case I bump into him which is inevitable!!

OP posts:
tweezers · 31/05/2017 17:49

The love of your life is the person he is when he's behaving himself. Which probably felt marvellous at the time. Unfortunately that person is appearing less and less and effectively, he' doesn't really exist. The destructive person is taking over and they come as a package. He's done you a favour by trying to break it off. Don't inflict the destructive person on your children. Why sacrifice yourself and your DCs for this person?

Loopytiles · 31/05/2017 17:54

No contact is best.

Your DC, and your own mental health and wellbeing, are far, far more important than a drama-filled relationship with this man.

He was very probably not the "love of your life" and it was unwise to get in so deep so soon.

Original poster
iknowwhythecagedbirdsings · 31/05/2017 18:04

Tweezers you sound like you have some kind of experience with this illness! That is exactly what it's like. His many faces but I don't love this one.

Loopy yes point taken I agree. I really did think I had something very special and what with all the pain I was in at the time it was very easy to be comforted and held and made to feel safe by him. Essentially he is for whatever reason not capable of giving me what I need so I'm glad I have ended it

OP posts:
WinnerWinnerChickenDinner0 · 31/05/2017 18:17

Hi op

I really feel for your heart break.
I hope this doesn't sound insensitive, but my father was bipolar and the during the ups he was the worlds mist amazing wonderful father. Full of fun love and life. But the downs were hell on earth. There were only a few rare periods when his meds had things under control and he was calm and easy going. In 9 months you might just have been through a high and now hitting slow, neither of which are his true self, more manifestations of his illness

Hope you figure out the right course

WinnerWinnerChickenDinner0 · 31/05/2017 18:23

Meant to add that as a kid, I thought the bad times were my fault as kids do. I remember so clearly trying my hardest to be as good as I could possibly be so that the "good" dad would come back.
It's a horrible way for you and your kids to live, trying to make someone happy when you can't actually influence how his illness functions. Only he can do that by cooperating with his doctors
My understanding, or at least my experience with my dad was that he didn't want to be medicated because the highs were so good that the flatness of being medicated, along with the side effects, meant he always came off them and back onto the roller coaster

Original poster
iknowwhythecagedbirdsings · 31/05/2017 18:29

Thank-you winnerwinnerchickendinner! Hearing from others who have experience of this illness is making me more definite in my decision about ending it. He is a wonderful person and like you say the love and support is incredible when he is not in the depression. Even now when we have been together during the depressive stage he is loving but very tearful says he doesn't trust his own decision making skills etc...sways wildly between wanting me close and ignoring me. I don't ever think if he will reach a stage where he could be stable enough to hold down a relationship?

OP posts:
Original poster
iknowwhythecagedbirdsings · 31/05/2017 18:33

Perhaps that's why he pushes me away....he prefers the mania and doesn't want to feel watched?? I really cannot tell you if he is taking or abusing his medicine but I have run out of steam and have nothing left to give Sad

OP posts:
Timmytoo · 31/05/2017 19:31

With bipolar you need to be patient. My DP has it and he was exactly how you described for the first three years of our relationship but I don't have kids.

After perseverance and the CORRECT medication and him not drinking alcohol at all as it really affects people with bipolar. He is now the sweetest most helpful amazing man you can ever meet. He's in a sort of remission as he hasn't had an episode now for over a year. He had rapid episodes. So if you love him wait it out, make sure he's on the beat medication possible. My DP's on Rispiridone and Lamicton.

I'm sure He does love you it's just when they go through episodes they push you away.

Nevergrowingold · 31/05/2017 19:39

But you can't sit it out, endure the episodes and let him experiment with medications when you have your own children to look after.

category12 · 31/05/2017 19:56

+1 to Nevergrowingold.