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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I leave the love of my life?

87 replies

iknowwhythecagedbirdsings · 31/05/2017 15:50

Just that really, I have been with my current partner for 9 months. He came into my life straight after a messy divorce and we have both fallen head over heels for each other. However over the last 4 weeks he has pulled away and cut me out. He maintains he loves me and wants to make this work. But he has bipolar 2 and has a history of self sabotage. He fluctuates between wanting to be with me to the point it's all encompassing to not wanting to be with me at all. I love him with all I have within me but I have to find a way to let him go I know this. My children and I deserve stability and not seeing their mother broken on a weekly basis because I think if we have a good few days the relationship is back on track. Only for him to pull away and go cold again. How do you cut out someone when you both love each other deeply. We live a short distance from each other and will probably still bump into each other on a weekly at least basis.

OP posts:
category12 · 31/05/2017 16:39

Would I continue a relationship that is so tumultuous? No.

Thing is, the bi-polar isn't going away, so even if he stabilises there's the potential for him to stop taking his meds or get off-kilter again.

Also, you're assuming his behaviour is down to his MH issues, but you don't know that - he might be this person who runs hot & cold. You've only known him 9 months.

You sound addicted to the highs and lows - what have your previous relationships been like? You say you'd recently come out of a messy divorce and went straight into this?

You need to take some steps back from relationships and do some self-assessment. This isn't healthy, it's dysfunctional and you're inflicting it on your dc who have also just been through your divorce with you. Time for some reflection and focus on your dc.

FreeNiki · 31/05/2017 16:41

Thank-you everyone xx my friends are all saying I should give him some space. But then I guess it really HAS come out of nowhere his sudden change in his temperament.

My exes sudden change in temperament came from nowhere too.

He was cheating and made a load of bullshit lies up to cover the truth up.

I wouldnt put it past your ex.

TheNaze73 · 31/05/2017 16:42

Put you and your children first. The love of your life is starting to show their true colours

Original poster
iknowwhythecagedbirdsings · 31/05/2017 16:43

Previous relationships have always been very non confrontational and boring right up until the point of the split. I have messaged him and told him it's done and not to try and contact me again. Thanks for all helping me to take the difficult decision!

OP posts:
MoiraRosesMeltdown · 31/05/2017 16:43

Do you think maybe he isn't the love of your life, but a rebound relationship following a messy divorce? Maybe you are clinging onto him more than you would under different circumstances.

PrinceAli · 31/05/2017 16:44

Love of your life after 9 months? His pissing about is affecting your children? Maybe you should put them first.

I think you're getting some unnecessarily harsh responses. Your op struck me as someone doing exactly the right thing and putting their children first 🤔 You're just looking for support on the practical side. Also of course you can feel you've met the love of your life after nine months. if you don't have strong feelings after nine months I'd wonder why you were in the relationship so long!

Loads of people are married or pregnant after nine months. Tell them they aren't sure yet.

SheWhoLivesHere · 31/05/2017 16:44

I broke up with someone I was madly in love with because we wanted different things out of life and he was pissing me about. I knew he loved me and I loved him deeply (always will, in a way) but I demand better for myself.

For me 'the one' is someone who wants to be with me more than anything. Someone who will fight tooth and nail to be with me. This guy is not the one for you. Demand better.

It was so so hard and took about as long as the relationship lasted (4 years) to really come to peace with my decision, and now I'm with someone who is much better for me. You have to just bite the bullet and trust yourself. Then get on with your life because the only thing that heals you is the passing of time.

MoiraRosesMeltdown · 31/05/2017 16:44

...in which case you will be able to move on more easily

PrinceAli · 31/05/2017 16:45

Op I know you're going to run in to him at some point but hopefully you'll have kids or a friend with you and be able to make it breezy. In the mean time I'd delete his phone number and unfriend and block him on social media so you're not tempted

Original poster
iknowwhythecagedbirdsings · 31/05/2017 16:46

Freenicki my ex husband cheated on me too and this is not the same in any respect. It's not the same kind of pulling away I have seen him do it with his own best friends too he has removed everyone from his life and just wants to sleep

OP posts:
user1494237944 · 31/05/2017 16:47

Well done OP - you are looking after yourself and your children - it was a mistake for you to break down and cry in front of them - going through a messy divorce myself but I never let my DCs see me cry. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time to get over your divorce and this relationship. Put your DCs first. They must be very concerned and confused by your behaviour.

Original poster
iknowwhythecagedbirdsings · 31/05/2017 16:50

I think the reason why I tried so hard is because I have NO doubts that I love him and he is not just being a cheating bastard but really is poorly and I found it hard to walk away from someone knowing they are in a bad place. However I DO love my children more and that is the very reason I left their father is that I'm aware I and they deserve the best.

OP posts:
PoppyJ1 · 31/05/2017 16:50

Sorry to hear you're going through this. You've done the right thing by identifying the problem and deciding not to let it go on longer. He may be the love of your life so far (who's to judge, sometimes relatively short relationships can affect you in ways longer ones don't) but that doesn't mean you won't meet someone else who eclipses him. I try not to blame women for hanging onto bad relationships, I've been there and made the same mistake. Wishing you a safe and swift transition through this and I hope your next relationship is better!

PrinceAli · 31/05/2017 16:51

^Today 16:22 iknowwhythecagedbirdsings

You are right. I know that. We have both been under masses of stress since we met to be honest and he helped me through some of the worst times in my life so maybe he has already fulfilled his role and I should accept it's done. Would any of you stick by someone if they had a mental health issue and were trying to stabilise themselves or am I being blind??^

Not unless it was the children's father tbh. I think let him deal with his stuff. Maybe you'll run in to each other one day on the other side

Original poster
iknowwhythecagedbirdsings · 31/05/2017 16:53

User I try very hard not to let my children cry however I don't think it necessarily harms them to see you hurt over the ens if what was a 20 year marriage. I'm not sure that having a stiff upper lip and let's just gloss over the pain and pretend it doesn't hurt attitude does kids any good actually. Pain is a process and they will see me emerge from this stronger than before.

OP posts:
Brogadoccio · 31/05/2017 16:54

It sounds like distancer/pursuer which is very frustrating for ''the pursuer''. I have been in this position with a dismissive avoidant man and it wasn't fun although I had strong feelings for him at the time. I wouldn't date anybody with mental health issues. That might sound harsh but it's not for me. I have seen people say they wouldn't date a man under 5'10" so I hope I'm not berated for saying that!

I think you're getting some harsh responses as well. I have dated a good bit and my teenage children have been 95% oblivious and the bits I've shared with them, well, I think it will encourage them to 1) open up to me in the future because they know that I get things and I'm not invincible, 2) they've witnessed me being fine and happy immediately after a relationship ended and 3) they know that it's ok for their mum to want to be with somebody.

meddie · 31/05/2017 16:54

You have to go absolutely cold turkey and cut all contact. so delete and block any way he has of making contact with you. the best analogy I heard was think of it like a wound and like wounds it wont heal if you pick at it. Its bloody painful but its the quickest way in the long run. If you maintain contact in any way it will be constantly reopening the wound and it will take you longer to heal.
Easier said than done because its so tempting to just have one more chat or text and you will spend your time checking email/facebook, your phone and it will drive you mental.

category12 · 31/05/2017 16:58

I hope not, Brogadoccio, I agree with you. It's one thing to get into a relationship, eyes wide-open, with someone with severe MH issues when you have no dependents. I think it's quite another when you have dc. They have to come first.

Original poster
iknowwhythecagedbirdsings · 31/05/2017 17:00

Yeah I agree about getting some harsh responses I'm not sure what kind of picture I portrayed but considering what I have been through this last year myself and my children are surprisingly stable and happy. As I started this thread knowing I was going to end it anyway all I was really looking for was some practical experience such as move on and don't look back that kind of thing. But hey ho I can take it Smile

OP posts:
TempusEedjit · 31/05/2017 17:01

OP just out of interest how old are your DC?

Original poster
iknowwhythecagedbirdsings · 31/05/2017 17:05

They are secondary school age. I was actually impressed that he opened up to me about his bi polar type 2. I would have never known he even had it for a long time so yes I did go into it eyes wide open and I don't regret giving it a go.

OP posts:
Adora10 · 31/05/2017 17:07

8 months and so much drama; crying etc, sorry but nobody is worth that much heartache so early on; love of your life, really, in such a short space of time full of hurt and rejection.

Sorry he is ill but your priority is your kids and they need to see a happy calm mum, not one crying on a weekly basis cos he's dumped you again.

Original poster
iknowwhythecagedbirdsings · 31/05/2017 17:12

Adora this has all happened over the last month. It hasn't been the whole 9 months of rejection and pain it has been a very happy healthy and positive relationship until this point which is why ending it was such a hard decision for me to make. I guess perhaps because he had held me together at my lowest point I did feel indebteded to do the same for him!

OP posts:
WeAllHaveWings · 31/05/2017 17:14

I work closely with someone with bipolar, absolutely fine at work and with his pals. I think he manages to put a face on for others but his family do suffer from his mood swings, depression and inability to compromise, for example they aren't allowed to put up any xmas decorations, not even a tree, because he can't cope with the festivities but he can go to the works xmas party. While I accept his condition must have challenges for him, personally I couldn't cope with that.

You've only known this man for 5mins, with your children to consider, I'd walk away.

messofajess · 31/05/2017 17:14

Oh cagedbird I am really feeling for you now.

Its very difficult because the person suffering from mental illness is never the only victim. You must be resolute in not making you or your children one of those victims.

I do believe once someone has got to a point where they are stable and know their triggers or feel an episode coming on they could provide stability but unfortunately this guy is just not there and you can't afford to take the chance to get to know him better and see if he will ever get there - who knows what will happen in between.

I think its also good to remember that really anything can happen and maybe you two just arent right for each other now and ten years down the line you might meet again.