How can I get out of being a bridesmaid?

[Gah81]

I've been a bridesmaid 7 times (many sisters, cousins, close female friends etc. plus I'm fairly organised, which I think helps). One of my close female friends has just got engaged and wants to "ask me an important question" when I see her in Milan (she lives there) in a few weeks' time. I'm a little nervous that it may mean she's going to ask me to be her bridesmaid.

I may be jumping the gun but I don't want to be a bridesmaid again, in case that is what she is planning to ask... I've done it so many times and seen awful, controlling, hysterical Bridezilla sides to the friends I've done it for. I also end up getting put in horrible dresses (think tangerine harem pants, or baby blue neck to mid-calf ruffles (ruffled ALL the way down) and dislike having to essentially be a slave/handmaiden for the whole day, let alone organising a hen party (these seem to get bigger, with more bells-and-whistles on as the years go on) and herding cats.

I am aware that it is a privilege and an honour and my friends ask me because they want me to be part of their special day. However, I am old enough to know myself and know that I do not enjoy doing it at all (not that anyone would ever know hence, I think, why I keep getting asked!) as I smile and am chatty and happy and do everything possible to ensure the entire process goes as smoothly as possible for the bride.)

As my friend lives in Italy, do you think that I can use that as an excuse to get out of this if she asks? Or is it possible that I can explain that I don't like being a bridesmaid and not have my friend hate me... or do I need to just suck it up and hope that my friend does not become a monster over the next year?

[As an aside, I am engaged and will not be having bridesmaids as I don't want to inflict it on anyone else. Though my best friend is doing a speech, as am I].

Do people really get their bridesmaids to do so much?

One of mine helped with the hen do (I did the main booking, emailing etc). One helped me go to the loo in my wedding dress (this is why you need good friends as bridesmaids....). They helped make sure that everyone knew when it was time to sit down to eat....

Apart from that, they were at the house with me when I got ready but my mum did the "helping me get dressed" thing; they walked down the aisle behind me; and they were in more photos than regular guests.

I thought that was pretty much what it was about?

Mum: I've already said each to their own; I honestly don't care what others would do, I just know what I would do and I make no apology for that, I just wish peeps would stop addressing their posts to ME because I do not agree with turning down such an invite, it's really not complicated.

It's nice to hear there have been those who've turned down the request and their friendships haven't suffered. The more I think about it, the more I realise it's so true that it's not the wedding that's momentous, it's the marriage.

Although mine is going to be very low-key, it does make me wonder whether it could be even more low-key .

OP please don't feel obligated, if she is a true friend she will completely understand. There shouldn't be any affect on your relationship. I was due to be my sister's bridesmaid, however I originally said no but my parents forced me into it. She has been such a bridezilla and I've now completely declined to be a bridesmaid which has been far more damaging to our relationship and I wish I had stood my ground in the first place! No judgement please...she really was a bridezilla. I was told to hurry up and loose the baby weight 6 weeks after giving birth because she wants me to look a certain way... I'm still a size 10 so hardly bloody 'massive' as she likes to insinuate. I was then berated for not spending the equivalent of a family holiday on her hen party because I didn't want to leave my newborn for a jolly! Even the most unsuspecting bride can turn into a monster!!!!!

I'm kind of with Adora here. Of course you can object, but I dislike the tone of your O.P. here: I end up getting put in horrible dresses (think tangerine harem pants, or baby blue neck to mid-calf ruffles (ruffled ALL the way down) and dislike having to essentially be a slave/handmaiden for the whole day,

Firstly, wearing dresses that you may not like isn't, from where I'm standing, from a really big deal. It's one day. And everyone knows the private joke about how unbecoming bridesmaids dresses can be. You take pictures and have a laugh 6 years later. Objecting to dressing up in something that complements (or doesn't) the brides dress one day for a friend seems a tinsy bit churlish.

The being a handmaiden slave. Sorry that attitude sucks. I certainly wouldn't want any so called friend privately thinking she was being used like a slave whilst outwardly smiling and pretending she's happy to be part of my day. I'd rather you stayed away rather than be two faced about it.

You mention that people like asking you to be BM, as you seem to have good organisation skills. That's a compliment, but your resentment about getting too involved in planning, makes me wonder whether you are a person who volunteers to do stuff, or agrees to doing it, but then gets annoyed later. It's not nice when people seem happy to do something and then get privately upset afterwards. In future, perhaps set flexible, but firmer, boundaries as to how much you will take on in the first instance, and be vocal about it, rather than feeling pushed into taking an all or nothing approach, as you now feel you must.

It is a shame, as in your own words, you've been a great friend to her and it seems like it would be an element missing from her day and a loss for you in a way also

My bridesmaids came to a dress choosing/fitting and ny hen do (which was just a trip to a few local bars) and that was it. What else is there?

Are you absolutely dying to be a bridesmaid or something?

That's not childish at all...jeez.