Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

How can I get out of being a bridesmaid?

82 replies

Gah81 · 31/05/2017 13:34

I've been a bridesmaid 7 times (many sisters, cousins, close female friends etc. plus I'm fairly organised, which I think helps). One of my close female friends has just got engaged and wants to "ask me an important question" when I see her in Milan (she lives there) in a few weeks' time. I'm a little nervous that it may mean she's going to ask me to be her bridesmaid.

I may be jumping the gun but I don't want to be a bridesmaid again, in case that is what she is planning to ask... I've done it so many times and seen awful, controlling, hysterical Bridezilla sides to the friends I've done it for. I also end up getting put in horrible dresses (think tangerine harem pants, or baby blue neck to mid-calf ruffles (ruffled ALL the way down) and dislike having to essentially be a slave/handmaiden for the whole day, let alone organising a hen party (these seem to get bigger, with more bells-and-whistles on as the years go on) and herding cats.

I am aware that it is a privilege and an honour and my friends ask me because they want me to be part of their special day. However, I am old enough to know myself and know that I do not enjoy doing it at all (not that anyone would ever know hence, I think, why I keep getting asked!) as I smile and am chatty and happy and do everything possible to ensure the entire process goes as smoothly as possible for the bride.)

As my friend lives in Italy, do you think that I can use that as an excuse to get out of this if she asks? Or is it possible that I can explain that I don't like being a bridesmaid and not have my friend hate me... or do I need to just suck it up and hope that my friend does not become a monster over the next year?

[As an aside, I am engaged and will not be having bridesmaids as I don't want to inflict it on anyone else. Though my best friend is doing a speech, as am I].

OP posts:

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 31/05/2017 15:45

When we got married the friend who was asked to be best man didn't want to, it never crossed our minds that he was being selfish. Surely it is far more selfish to force someone into doing something that they are uncomfortable with, especially a friend.

Original poster

Gah81 · 31/05/2017 15:49

Now I'm feeling nervous. I hope that the fact that I:

took a few days off to see her after her previous DP had died
flew over with some other friends after her mum passed away for the funeral etc.
have hosted her at mine several times, organised fun things and been on holiday with her at various times too
worked on the relationship and made an effort to keep in touch over the last 10 years, particularly when she's been through tough times - when she's often come over to stay at mine and relax a little...
etc. etc. the usual friend things.

will all count in my favour when she thinks about whether I'm a selfish person/good friend or not.

OP posts:

Fathersyros · 31/05/2017 16:18

So to recap you start a thread saying - woe be me I can't be bothered to be a bridesmaid (already been one 7 times!!!!) cos I don't like the hassle of it, what shall I do?

You then explain what a wonderful, amazing friend you have been over the years.

In which case you won't be worried about saying no will you???

Extraordinary thread.

Original poster

Gah81 · 31/05/2017 16:25

Thanks, Fathersyros - you're right. I have been a good friend, so I think I shall decide not to worry. How helpful you are (and so polite too!)

OP posts:

Adora10 · 31/05/2017 16:30

Sorry but relaying back to her what a fantastic friend you have been over the years is pointless and just makes you look worse.

Surely if she is a good friend, you WANTED to do those things, just like you might WANT to be her bridesmaid if she asks.

Good luck, I do admire your honestly actually OP, personally I just couldn't be known as the friend that refused to be the bridesmaid, especially when you actually WANT to go anyway; be different if you were not wanting to go at all.

SweetLuck · 31/05/2017 16:33

Adora10 Its so funny that you're saying 'it's my wedding day so I decide'. Which is exactly the attitude that is making the OP not want to do this .

Original poster

Gah81 · 31/05/2017 16:38

Oh of course I wouldn't actually mention the things I have done! I think she will know.

Wanting to be there for her during tricky times and good times (the things that really matter, I think, as opposed to a single day that for most people seems to be more about "look at me, look at me!" when I know I would resent it as I just dislike being bridesmaid and feel I have done my duty) is different.

But you have also helped me make up my mind - also because in the course of this thread I have realised that I don't believe my friends are sufficiently petty or small-minded to be hugely insulted by a decision communicated respectfully, set against everything else I have done with and for them over the years.

OP posts:

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 31/05/2017 16:39

Adora
Why? My wedding, I decide who I want as bridesmaid, of course I'd be insulted to be told no thanks, it's not a command, it's an honour and your friend should be happy to be chosen, but each to their own

No it's your wedding and you decide who you want to ask to be your Bridesmaid. You can't demand that someone is your Bridesmaid.
The latter is very Bridezilla

Original poster

Gah81 · 31/05/2017 16:42

Thanks again all, you've all (one way or another!) helped me think through my response and the situation more thoroughly :)

OP posts:

adlertippa · 31/05/2017 16:42

Could you pre-empt the conversation to try to avoid her even asking you?

Have a chat about your respective wedding plans before you visit her, you could drop in that you're not going to have bridesmaids because having done it 7 times, you know how full on it can be. You don't want to ask people who have other commitments because you don't want them to say yes then struggle with what it involves. Then lots of other tactful stuff.

It might be enough that she won't even ask you, but if not then at least it sets the scene a little and she'll know before she asks you that you're bridesmaided out in general and not just rejecting her.

This reads as somewhat manipulative but it's more that I have extensive experience of deflecting awkward situations through preemptive management of expectations!

Original poster

Gah81 · 31/05/2017 16:44

Oooh adlertipper - that's clever. Thank you - I may well do that. I'm not brilliant at deflecting so that's v.useful.

OP posts:

Adora10 · 31/05/2017 16:49

I never said I would demand, I actually would expect my best friend to accept, it's really that simple.

And no, that's not the reason the OP wants to bow out, she wants to bow out because she's been a bridesmaid 7 TIMES already.

Which, has absolutely FA to do with her friend.

maddogs33 · 31/05/2017 17:01

Gah, I'm with you, if you don't want to be a bridesmaid don't do it. Through my 20s I've been bridesmaid for all my best friends and grinned and bared all the politics and hard work of it, admittedly some were easier than others. Its totally put me off weddings/hen weekends to the extent that when I got engaged in my 30s I really struggled to get excited about my wedding at all!

For my wedding I'm having no bridesmaids and no hen weekend, no idea if people like that or not, to be honest I couldn't care less, its saved me the hassle and I am saving them a whole host of time and money!

You can be happy and excited for your friend without being a bridesmaid!

FantasticButtocks · 31/05/2017 17:29

You don't actually know she's going to ask you that question - so maybe a preemptive text or email to say: Just as long as you're not going to ask me to be a bridesmaid! - I have a secret dislike of the role having done it several times (wouldn't want the brides I've already done this for to know this though, as it would be so hurtful), but I'll happily do you a deal - I won't ask you to be mine if you don't ask me to be yours!

ScarletSienna · 31/05/2017 17:39

Scarlett's suggestion is perfect-I cannot see how anyone could not be understanding if you said you're honoured but don't think you could give it enough attention.

Adora, I don't understand how you think a bride's feelings count more than anyone else's. Women should absolutely not just say yes to something because they feel obliged or guilt tripped.

Loopytiles · 31/05/2017 17:49

I wouldn't use the excuse of not being able to give it the attention it deserves: that would be transparent and leave the potential for her to try to persuade you, and for both of you to feel worse. I have been in a similar situation and said I was honoured, but would not accept because I previously found being a bridesmaid difficult, had a lot going on, and would prefer just to be a guest.

Once was enough for me!

FreeNiki · 31/05/2017 17:55

Anyone who would be insulted when an invite is turned down needs to look up ' invite' and ' summons'.

They also need to look up the difference between invite and invitation. You get an invitation to a wedding not an invite.

Can you tell her you can attend the ceremony as a BM but wont have time to attend the rest? Meaning you will be there as a BM on the day but it excuses you from the hen do etc.

PrivatePike · 31/05/2017 17:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ScarletSienna · 31/05/2017 18:00

Actually, I agree with Loopy-I hadn't thought of the potential comeback!

WicketWoo · 31/05/2017 18:07

I'd be tempted to go even further than adlertipper and send her a note saying you're looking forward to seeing her too but you hope the big request isn't to be a bridesmaid because of all the excuses set out by previous posters. Means she has never asked so can't be offended by a refusal.

Fastfrickinforwards · 31/05/2017 18:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FetchezLaVache · 31/05/2017 18:29

YANBU. I've been a bridesmaid a mere 5 times and I'm completely over it. I like adlertipper and FFF's suggestions of ways to head the question off at the pass.

PS. Pictures of the tangerine harem pants or they didn't happen!!

barrygibbscheekbones · 31/05/2017 20:29

My oldest friend asked me to be her bridesmaid a few years ago. Initially I was happy, well not happy but flattered I guess, but once I'd thought about it for more than 5 minutes I realised it would be my worst nightmare, for several different reasons which I won't go onto here. I had to be honest and told her that I just couldn't do it and ehh. She was initially upset, and sent a long email to which I replied, being completely open and honest about my reasons. Within a week she called me in tears, apologising for sending me a snotty email and saying that of course our long friendship came first, she now understood my reasons and she was fine with my decision. She instead asked me to be one of the witnesses in the church, which was lovely of her.

I think you need to tell her the truth at the earliest opportunity and make it clear that it's nothing personal. If she's a good friend she will understand. Good luck, OP.

barrygibbscheekbones · 31/05/2017 20:30

Great idea Fastfrickin

LellyMcKelly · 01/06/2017 06:48

The bride to be invites you to be the bridesmaid. She can't order or command you to do it. Yes, it is an honour, but it's also a big commitment in terms of time and money and you shouldn't do it unless you can commit fully. I did it once. That was more than enough - it was an epic amount of faffing about, though at least there were no orange harem pants!

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread