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Original poster

How can I get out of being a bridesmaid?

82 replies

Gah81 · 31/05/2017 13:34

I've been a bridesmaid 7 times (many sisters, cousins, close female friends etc. plus I'm fairly organised, which I think helps). One of my close female friends has just got engaged and wants to "ask me an important question" when I see her in Milan (she lives there) in a few weeks' time. I'm a little nervous that it may mean she's going to ask me to be her bridesmaid.

I may be jumping the gun but I don't want to be a bridesmaid again, in case that is what she is planning to ask... I've done it so many times and seen awful, controlling, hysterical Bridezilla sides to the friends I've done it for. I also end up getting put in horrible dresses (think tangerine harem pants, or baby blue neck to mid-calf ruffles (ruffled ALL the way down) and dislike having to essentially be a slave/handmaiden for the whole day, let alone organising a hen party (these seem to get bigger, with more bells-and-whistles on as the years go on) and herding cats.

I am aware that it is a privilege and an honour and my friends ask me because they want me to be part of their special day. However, I am old enough to know myself and know that I do not enjoy doing it at all (not that anyone would ever know hence, I think, why I keep getting asked!) as I smile and am chatty and happy and do everything possible to ensure the entire process goes as smoothly as possible for the bride.)

As my friend lives in Italy, do you think that I can use that as an excuse to get out of this if she asks? Or is it possible that I can explain that I don't like being a bridesmaid and not have my friend hate me... or do I need to just suck it up and hope that my friend does not become a monster over the next year?

[As an aside, I am engaged and will not be having bridesmaids as I don't want to inflict it on anyone else. Though my best friend is doing a speech, as am I].

OP posts:

LellyMcKelly · 01/06/2017 06:55

If she does ask you could also turn her down kindly, citing time/work etc. but offer to do a reading or sing a song (only if you can sing, obviously). That way, you can still be involved in a 'special' way without all the commitment and hassle that goes with it,

beekeeper17 · 01/06/2017 07:11

I really don't get why some people expect their bridesmaids to do so much. I had 2 bridesmaids who both had small children and lived in a different country to me. But they were close to me and so excited to be part of my big day and it meant so much having them as my bridesmaids.

They organised my hen do, but we decided together what we were going to do and I helped a bit with the organisation. Yes they organised a few games and things that I didn't know about, but nothing that would have taken a massive amount of time or effort. I took one of my bridesmaids to pick the bridesmaids dresses, we picked them in the first shop and the other bridesmaid didn't even see it! I got hers posted to her and she got it altered herself. I picked out shoes which they would be able to wear again on nights out and ordered them online and got them delivered to them.

And they were with me the day before the wedding as we went and had our nails and tans done.

I really don't think it needs to be too onerous being a bridesmaid but it depends on the bride and what she expects. For me, it was much more about sharing the excitement of my big day with close friends/family who were also excited for me.

I'm sorry you've had such bad experiences being a bridesmaid, that sounds awful! I would expect that your friendship wont be quite the same again if you decline, it is a bit of an insult. So just be prepared for that.

beekeeper17 · 01/06/2017 07:20

And I was also bridesmaid for both of my bridesmaids when they got married and it was the same, e.g. agreed together what to do for hen do, when to go and who to invite so bridesmaid just needed to find out who was going, book it and sort out payments, buy a few hen do things and organise some games, drinks etc. That really doesn't take a lot of effort.

Original poster

Gah81 · 01/06/2017 08:44

Thank you all very much - those of you who have been brides sound like you were nice ones (I have never been given the opportunity to feed in to the dress choice. In every case I've been asked for my measurements and then told what I'm going to wear).

Ha, and thankfully the tangerine harem pants were imposed in a pre-Facebook time... and I made sure that I didn't keep any (old-school) photographic evidence!

OP posts:

Cricrichan · 01/06/2017 09:28

I think that I would say yes but to warn her that you won't have much time to do a lot of bridesmaid stuff as you're being sent all over Europe for work and are organising your own wedding. So if she needs someone more hands on to ask someone else.

Adora10 · 01/06/2017 09:52

Adora, I don't understand how you think a bride's feelings count more than anyone else's. Women should absolutely not just say yes to something because they feel obliged or guilt tripped.

You don't understand how a bride to be's feelings count when it comes to her own wedding? Ok then, I do, it's not hard.

Getting married is a life changing and monumental time for anyone, I'd expect my friend to want to share that time with me, there's nothing guilt tripping or demanding or commanding about it no matter how many folk on here try to dress it up as some kind of coercion.

WicksEnd · 01/06/2017 10:45

I think you're wrong OP.
She's going to ask you to be godmother to her PFB instead.
'The Godmother'

In Italy. Lifelong responsibility, you'll wish it was to ask you to be her bridesmaid after all!

category12 · 01/06/2017 11:11

Adora10, the wedding is just one day, which can be a massive self-indulgent do or a quiet ceremony, and any variation in between. Life-changing? Hardly, most people live together beforehand these days. Nothing wrong in having a big expensive party for it, but it's kind of ridiculous to get all "life-changing and monumental" about it. Cancer or winning the nobel prize fit that better.

Mumchance · 01/06/2017 11:22

I've turned down being a bridesmaid twice also, coincidentally, in complex internationally-organised weddings in another country when I was doing an longterm international commute between two different other countries with no repercussions for the friendship in either case.

Jins · 01/06/2017 11:38

I've turned down several invitations to be a bridesmaid and it's not affected any of the friendships.

Someone getting bridezilla about it would definitely end the friendship though

ScarletSienna · 01/06/2017 11:51

Adora you clearly think being a bride trumps all else. I don't. Her feelings count but that doesn't mean she gets to decide what others must do to make her happy and be a good friend. You get to choose the flowers and hymns, not dictate what people must do. Some people don't want to be a bridesmaid and whilst your wedding day is important to you (monumental, life changing blah blah blah ) and people will be happy for you, it doesn't mean you get to chose the role people play in it! You can share the day as a guest.

Adora10 · 01/06/2017 11:59

We're not talking about cancer or winning the nobel prize though, and yes both are monumental; I am not comparing someone's wedding day to either of those life impacting situations, BUT, to the bride, her wedding day is monumental, and yes, one day, one day only hopefully for her to celebrate her love for her partner with family and friends, it's a big deal and I'm not even married.

Each to their own, the OP has already said she is going to decline and that's fine, I've already said I admire her honestly.

She's asking advice and I have advised in that situation I would not refuse as I would see it as an honour and not a chore or that my friend was demanding or commanding anything from me, I'd assume she was doing it out of love and admiration for me as a friend.

Personally I think her friend may will always hold that against her, that she turned down the offer of being involved and I'd not risk my friendship over it.

Adora10 · 01/06/2017 12:02

Adora you clearly think being a bride trumps all else. I don't

Well bully for you.

ScarletSienna · 01/06/2017 12:04

You cannot be a good friend to hold something against someone when they didn't want to do it just because you wanted them to

Mumchance · 01/06/2017 12:05

in that situation I would not refuse as I would see it as an honour and not a chore or that my friend was demanding or commanding anything from me, I'd assume she was doing it out of love and admiration for me as a friend.

The friend intends it as an honour, certainly and I was touched to be asked, too, when I was but if, as you say, it isn't a 'demand' or 'command', then the OP is entirely free to decline as pleasantly as possible without expecting it to lay an axe to the roots of what sounds like a good, longterm, committed friendship. No one was hurt or insulted when I declined.

category12 · 01/06/2017 12:06

This is where the bridezilla stuff gets started, when people put too much emphasis on a simple celebration and it's sold to women as the happiest day or biggest day of their lives. It's really not much of an aspiration in life.

It's nice to get married and all, nice to have things to celebrate, but really.

^ Intended as a general rant about the state of things.

pocketsaviour · 01/06/2017 12:10

to the bride, her wedding day is monumental

It really isn't. Not for all of us. It's not in my top 10 memorable days of my life. TBH it's probably not even in my top 50.

Adora10 · 01/06/2017 12:10

The OP has already said she is going to decline and that's fine and good for her.

I have no idea why you are all trying to change my mind about something I KNOW I would accept, fact, get over it.

McTufty · 01/06/2017 12:16

This is difficult OP. It depends a lot on what sort of person your friend is, both in terms of what she is expecting of her BMs and how important she sees her wedding day as.

Did you say she had been bereaved with a previous DP? If so, even the mean spirited "it's only a wedding who cares" lot couldn't begrudge this wedding being a particularly massive deal for your friend. Sounds like she has had a horrendous time and has now found happiness again. That's amazing!

Is there any way to find out what her expectations of Bridesmaids are? I would have been pretty upset if one of my BMs turned me down, but then I made it clear I would cover all their expenses, only buy a dress they all agreed to and expected nothing other than for them to be with me on the day and walk down the aisle. If this is what she is after, would that make a difference? Could you discuss your concerns with her before coming to a decision?

No bride has the right to dictate to anyone what they have to do for their wedding, and you have a perfect right to say no if she asks you. The difficulty is that there is no getting past the fact that you're saying no because you just don't want to put the effort in for her wedding because it's not a priority for you, and while I would hope she wouldn't fall out with you or be a bitch about it, I don't think she'd be unreasonable to feel a little hurt and disappointed.

Good luck whatever you decide.

Mumchance · 01/06/2017 12:28

I have no idea why you are all trying to change my mind about something I KNOW I would accept, fact, get over it.

No one is 'trying to change your mind' about whether you would accept if asked to be a bridesmaid by a friend. People are only pointing out that for some women especially people who, like the OP, have already been a bridesmaid numerous times and are commuting internationally, while the bride and the wedding is in a third country being honoured to be asked doesn't translate into automatic acceptance. And that it is possible to turn down the request to be a bridesmaid without it necessarily wrecking a friendship, because for some people it's not that big a deal.

Eatingcheeseontoast · 01/06/2017 12:38

I'm not sure being asked to be a bridesmaid is a privilege. I was very aware it was likely to be an almighty faff for anyone I asked as the likely contenders live in another country. So I didn't ask them - I was just incredibly grateful they travelled to turn up on the day.

If I had asked them I would have let them wear whatever they wanted as we are all over 40 and old enough to know what suits us.

So if I had asked them and they'd said no - that's fine.

tattychicken · 01/06/2017 12:53

I really feel for your bridesmaids if you do ever get married Adora. You sound a nightmare.

Adora10 · 01/06/2017 13:36

*I have no idea why you are all trying to change my mind about something I KNOW I would accept, fact, get over it.

Then stop directing your posts to Adora then!

Adora10 · 01/06/2017 13:37

I really feel for your bridesmaids if you do ever get married Adora. You sound a nightmare.

Like I give a stuff what you think, I'm proud to have good friends that I wouldn't let down on their big day.

Mumchance · 01/06/2017 14:06

Adora, people are addressing you because you seem to be suggesting you genuinely cannot understand how someone might refuse the 'honour', and that you would be offended and angry if they did, because your wedding would be more important than whatever was making them refuse.

Are you absolutely dying to be a bridesmaid or something?

For an 'honour', it can be rather hard work. I've been a bridesmaid five times in four different countries, as well as refusing twice. On one occasion, I couldn't switch an important 9 am lecture, so had to run from the lecture theatre to the airport in a cab, eventually catch a delayed shorthaul flight, and actually change into my dress and do my makeup in the back of the taxi to the (very rural) church. (The driver was a total sweetheart, and took some insane single-lane shortcut, and said 'Just so you know, I'm keeping my eyes on the road!' )

Another time, when a French friend married an American friend, I ended up doing most of the interpreting at the top table, because the families didn't share a language.

And another time again, I was the only person close to the couple who was in the country where the wedding was taking place (where they had met, but neither of them lived now) and ended up having to audition local choirs and persuade a suspicious elderly priest in a language in which I was not fluent, to allow flower arrangements to be done by someone other than the usual church flower ladies.

I'd had it after five times.

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