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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

His stinginess has killed off our relationship!!

108 replies

Amarielle · 31/05/2017 05:29

Dear All,

I need advice.

I am in a relationship with a very stingy man, everything else seems ok from the beginning, except that his stinginess is starting to affect our relationship. The stinginess has really put me off the man, last night I refused to eat a meal together. I am generous and I have my standards. I am not young and life is too short to save 1p on bread or walk across town to look for bargains. It's the opportunity costs, energy and time involved in looking at saving 1p here or there.

The previous night, he had visited a friend's house, only to bring their stale bread back instead of buying a fresh bread (they were going to throw it away). He has told me that money was not a problem - obviously, money is a problem or he would have bought a shop owned brand instead of bringing back a mouldy and stale bread

The man will not spend money on food but he is not shy to eat the food that I have bought and cooked, I have sat him down and had a conversation that he should contribute his share towards shopping. He told me that he prefer to do the shopping and that I should write everything down, but as I do most of the cooking, I pointed out that he should give me his share so I can do a weekly shopping, he refused.

Three days ago, he texted and asked if I wanted anything, I gave him a list but he told me that his bag was too small, he was on the other side of town. Sainsbury's is five minutes walk from my house and I prefer to shop in Sainsbury's because I believe in shopping local. He has refused to do a weekly shopping in Sainsbury's because it's too expensive!

Thank God, the long weekend is over. I will do as much as possible to avoid spending time together. This is because it does not feel like home, I am resentful that I have to pay for everything.

Is there anything worst than a stingy man? Why is it that stingy people want to eat and drink well as long as it's at other people's expense?

I am sorry for the rant!

OP posts:
LauraMoon · 31/05/2017 13:50

My uncle is like this. My aunt once begged him to let her put the heating on (I think it was March and therefore not allowed).

He gave her an Extra Strong Mint and said that should warm her up.

This actually happened, although I'm aware it sounds like a bad joke.

You need to get rid before he sucks all the life out of you.

Birdsbeesandtrees · 31/05/2017 13:50

Who pays the bills ?

FacelikeaBagofHammers · 31/05/2017 13:59

Does this guy actually have any redeeming features? .... at all?

TheClacksAreDown · 31/05/2017 14:04

What a miserable way to live. It doesn't matter if he is has the looks of Tom Hardy, the charm of Roger Moore, the sex appeal of Casanova, this sort of behaviour can kill off any attraction.

It's your house - kick him out!

ToEarlyForDecorations · 31/05/2017 14:30

The stinginess is bad enough. For me it would be the greed and selfishness too i.e. he guzzled a whole cheesecake and sponge cake to himself. Whilst remarking, 'you're rich, eh ?'

Erm, which means what, exactly ?

I suppose matching his stinginess so that he doesn't get to freeload off of you won't work. It just means the message has got through and he's won.

Next time you make a meal for him (if you're still being a mug) put it in front of him and declare the cost of it and break it down by cost of ingredients. The cost of gas or electric etc plus your time to cook. Then say, 'you wouldn't get it for that in a restaurant.'

Btw, there is no level of embarrassment that his stinginess won't stoop to. He's already there with the stale bread incident (which sounds compulsive to me.) What's next, getting other people's left overs in public ? Bin diving ? Skip diving ? Bargaining in a charity shop ? Slamming the door in the face of a kid wanting sponsor money ?

I realize you are avoiding him right now, but you could put give some money to charity and see whether he sighs or glares at you.

It's not about the money. It's never about the money. As another poster has remarked it's pretty much OCD - a form of mental illness.

(BTW - remark to a PP why is drinking orange juice wasting it ? I realize he was being stingy but if giving it to you meant wasting it then I'm not surprised you ended it with him. The mix of orange juice, fizzy water and tap water sounds grim.) I once went on holiday with a now ex-boyfriend years ago who helped himself to my sun cream declaring that it was expensive. Which is was why he was using mine !

I know someone who has always been stingy i.e. was the last in his circle to get a driving license so he didn't have to buy a car. Even then he would drive all over town looking for the cheapest petrol, even by one penny. He asked a taxi driver in a third world country they were visiting what the minimum wage was.

At one stage, he owned two houses. I think he also had half a million pounds saved. Him and his wife were determined to pay their mortgage off so lived on yoghurt for a few years. Or something like that. When their mortgage was finished, they could then play the property game.

Well, ok good. They sold one house, moved into the other with their kids. Invested the proceeds of sale and savings, about half a million. Still with me ?

Turns out the other house which they moved into (which they had paid to have built) was substandard construction. The house is a money pit. They've had to sell their investments to make it habitable.

If they sold it today, they would maybe get today's value but that's about it. So despite their penny pinching ways, they've ended up with not very much really.

That's just penny pinching. It's not money management.

People who really are that mean, have something of a grudge against the world. I don't understand their, 'you won't get me' attitude about rip them off before they rip you off.

AppleOfMyEye10 · 31/05/2017 14:47

It's not even worth discussing him further. He sounds miserable, like you know the shit parts about life, it's actually a person.
You should have asked him then and there does he expect you to eat mouldy bread? Does he want you to get sick? You should have shamed him and then kicked him out. Utterly embarrassed him and sent him off. Can't stand misers and people like this.

Primamadonna · 31/05/2017 14:56

On a brighter note OP (please note it's rare to have a complete consensus on mumsnet) when I left my stingy ex I didn't have a days worth of remorse, absolutely nothing except the feeling of relief. He was a bit of a twat obviously when he realised there were no freebies anymore but I changed my phone number & went NC. I have never felt so little after a 1.5 year relationship ended. It sounds like you would be relieved too. All the best !

Garnethair · 31/05/2017 16:35

Is he Ebeneezer Scrooge? Bah humbug!

FuckYouLinda · 31/05/2017 16:54

My BIL is an absolute stinge. His wife tried. Decades of trying.

They are divorcing now.

Bigfurcat · 31/05/2017 17:10

This guy is repulsive. I dated someone for a little while who was very " this is expensive/ that is overpriced" whenever I spent any money on me ( I did notice things like takeaways in his fridge though Hmm)

He was s PhD student and I got myself financially well organised in my 30's and so have surplus income to go out and save some ( was happy to treat him) and it's like he wanted to "punish" me for this - I agree it's not about the money, it's about grudge/control issues.

Really clingy over emotional type as well/ basically he wanted our joint life to consist of "let's stay in and you can have sex with a whiny man"

The feminist take is that this type of scrounging scum wants to "break" women so that they stay at home all the time with no social life of their own and devote all their energy to propping up him and his shitty whinging personality, like a self sacrificing mother type.

Just to say though, if someone wants to be economical in "eccentric" ways ( that impact nobody else ) then respect to them? Times can be hard for everyone. I've had some great meals from "reclaimed " food Grin

maddogs33 · 31/05/2017 17:18

I hate mumsnet threads that immediately jump to the "dump the bastard" conclusion, however in this case, I am inclined to agree that your life sounds like it could be so much more wonderful if this man wasn't around!

The negative pressure that comes with someone who counts the cost of everything and knows the value of nothing is not pleasant. Life is for enjoying and he sounds like he is a misery guts. You can do better!

dontpokethebear · 31/05/2017 17:34

I haven't raft, but I have read your comments OP.

This all sounds so miserable for you.
Does he have any redeeming qualities? That said, for me he'd have to be pretty damn amazing in all other aspects. Stingyness is an awful character trait to have.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 31/05/2017 21:57

Thank God, the long weekend is over. I will do as much as possible to avoid spending time together. This is because it does not feel like home...

We've all (me included) been so busy addressing the stinginess/money aspect that nobody has said, as we often do, that you have every right to leave a relationship for any reason you like - be it stinginess, abuse, loud snoring, irredeemable taste in ties, no matter what, if it's making you miserable - and this clearly is - do yourself a favour and free yourself.

Just listen to yourself! You dread having a three-day weekend and leisure time! Does that not tell you everything you need to know?

Be kind to yourself.

FFFriday2017 · 01/06/2017 08:54

Life is far too short to be unhappy !

Eat the cakes
Eat at the restaurants (lots of offers moneysavingexpert.com)
Wear the shoes
Book the holidays

If you can afford it do the things that you enjoy/love
Spend time with your friends and family

I can understand some penny pinching if it is for a reason eg saving up for a special holiday or purchase

He is not making you SMILE or LAUGH I think you know the answer

LeninaCrowne · 01/06/2017 09:06

This guy sounds a tight as a duck's arse - and that's watertight!

Just bin him, then invite your friends and family round for a feast to celebrate!

If you don't want to spend time with him then just don't.

Amarielle · 02/06/2017 08:40

Update

Thank you so much for your kind comments.

Yesterday, I spent the all day at a conference and it was wonderful. I came back very late as we had a drink reception afterwards. As soon I came back, I went straight to bed and this morning I am attending a meeting and going to some free lectures.

I realised that my time with him makes me very nervous and I have become very self-conscious, besides stingy the man is very selfish and extremely jealous. He makes horrible comments about the way I dress or the way I do things. He always ends a conversation with "It's up to you", in a way to make me question my own sanity

Next week more conferences, trade shows and will spend as little time as possible and hopefully, he will just pack his bags and leave.

OP posts:
Growup · 02/06/2017 08:46

You can't live like that even taking the stinginess out of it. Can't you tell him directly to go?

MakeJam · 02/06/2017 08:52

Is there a reason why you can't tell him to pack his backs now? OP, are you afraid of him?

SparklyMagpie · 02/06/2017 09:09

Why havn't you already told him to pack his bags for life and fuck off?! Why do you keep putting up with it? Don't wait for him to do it because he never will!

DownTownAbbey · 02/06/2017 09:09

I doubt he'll leave without you telling him to push off . Why would he? He's using your electricity, food etc. I bet he's also congratulating himself on the wear and tear he's saving (calculated down to the last half pee) on carpets, TVs etc of his own.

Even if he has a spectacular sexual repertoire I don't understand how he gets away with being so unpleasant. Wait until he's out and change the locks. Flowers

expatinscotland · 02/06/2017 09:19

'Next week more conferences, trade shows and will spend as little time as possible and hopefully, he will just pack his bags and leave.'

Grow a spine! Hell will freeze over before he packs his bags and leaves, why the hell would he? He's freeloading off you and he's a miser. This is your home, you can tell him to leave immediately, you know, and change the locks. You owe this man nothing.

pdjimjams · 02/06/2017 09:21

Wow so not only is he stingy with money himself and with you but he actually uses money to put you down, & is controlling you in other areas of your life, as well.

Honestly - what's stopping you telling him to leave? Are you afraid of his temper?

DaemonPantalaemon · 02/06/2017 09:31

Honestly - what's stopping you telling him to leave

These threads always used to baffle me, when a woman has her own money, house etc no children to attach her to an awful man, but still puts up with this sort of crap behaviour. Sadly, the answer seems to be that there is a type of women out there to whom any relationship is better than no relationship. It is sad to read about these things, but ultimately, this OP does have agency, and she can choose to kick him out of her own home or she can choose to put up with this, with the occasional whinge on Mumsnet to posters who will say there there and give her virtual flowers and a "hand hold".

Inertia · 02/06/2017 09:39

He won't pack his bags and leave, he's gettting a free ride and a woman to control! It's your house, you can make him leave.

FetchezLaVache · 02/06/2017 09:53

Will he fuck pack his bags and leave of his own volition. He's not going to realise that he's making you unhappy and do the decent thing. Even if he does realise, he will be GLAD, if anything, because everything you have said about him suggests that he doesn't care about you or even that he is trying to break you down into a shadow of your former self - the spiteful comments, the jealousy, the selfishness. Why would such a selfish man leave such a good deal? Does he even pay towards your bills?

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