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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

so upset and need a shoulder to cry on

64 replies

littlemissbitch · 18/03/2007 09:59

hi there not really posted anything before and not sure if anyone will read this but here goes

my husband and i seem to have a bizarre relationship to say the least every one on the outside thinks that we are the perfect couple-if only they knew!!!

but the reasonim posting this is because this morning (mothers day)i have not had 2 words spoke to me, i told him yesterday (in a nice way) that i did not want anything bought for me, i knew my 2 year old had made me a card at creche and said i would be over the moon with breakfast in bed and a card made from my 5 year old (which he would have to help her with)

6-45 this morning my 2 year old woke up and i my husband made no attemp to get up so i did (bang goes my long lie and breakfast in bed) anyway 8-30 he comes downstairs and ignores me, my 5 year old comes down 10 mins later gives me big hug and kiss as she does ever morning but i quickly realise that she has no clue what day it is and has not made me a card (her dad never bothered to sit her down and explain and tell her why) i cant even put up the card that my 2 year old made cause im worried incase my 5 year old sees it and asks what its for and i have to explain which may upset her.

we are all going to my mums this afternoon, i have gone to a lot of effort to buy a lovely meal that my dad and husband were going to cook for us but i feel like screming, why should he be allowed to put on a show in front of my parents (once again) when he has hurt me so much this morning.

do i sound really sad/bitter/childish, i have no idea what i feel i might achieve by writing this but im at a point in my life just now where nothing makes sense anymore, i just want to put my kids in the car and drive and never stop.

OP posts:
Aloveheart · 18/03/2007 10:04

awww why doesn't' your dp talk to you?? I'm sorry your feeling so bad. hope someone can offer more help than me but didn't want this thread to go unnoticed.

misdee · 18/03/2007 10:05

is your dd at school, didnt they make cards at school?

littlelapin · 18/03/2007 10:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bampa · 18/03/2007 10:07

hi. You must be sooooooooo hurt. It sounds to me like your dh (less of the darling though) needs to know what you think and if i were you i would tell him you want to go to your mum's today with the kids on your own and then you can (try) and relax and have a nice meal without having to watch him perform for everyone.
My mil has jsut divorced my fil after 30 years of what you are describing and she regrets now at the age of 60 that she didn't do it a long time ago. Not suggesting for 1 second that your situation is this extreme but life isn't a rehearsal you only get to do this once and you deserve to be happy! You need to have the kids looked after one day/evening soon and tell him how unhappy you are. If he thought he might lose you it might shake him up a bit. Is there a reason you can think of for his behaviour... depressed? unhappy at work? debt you don't know about? jealous of the children? has your relationship always been this way?
Big hug X

Spidermama · 18/03/2007 10:09

Hi LMB. Firstly, no you don't sound bitter or childish but it is clearly making you sad. I know the feeling of wanting to drive and never stop as I have it myself sometimes and there are times when the fantasy hasn't invovled putting the kids in the car. Just me driving in the opposite direction!

Can you talk to your dh? Is he any good at listening?

Presumably he used to be more communicative? Have things changed since having kids do you think?

Do you tell him what you want? Because sometimes me really need to have it spelled out to them. They're not bright and sensitive in the way we are and sometimes their behaviour seems really rough and rude because we're expecting them to be like us.

I know it's a cliche, but Mars and Venus helped me understand the differences.

Could you plan a time to sit down and talk to him, seriously. Let him know you mean business and you're not happy?

Original poster
littlemissbitch · 18/03/2007 10:10

no i thought they would of made a card at school but nothing has come home. as for my husband not talking to me who knows!!! i used to try and get a explanation for it but have given up now as it all seems to come back to being my fault. my girlfriends are good at listening and tell me its a man thing and there partners are the same but surly this cant be right!!! there has to be some couples out there who actually talk to each other.

can i just add its not all the time that he ignores me, things can be fine for weeks, months even then all this starts again, but why do it on mothers day when its going to hurt even more???

OP posts:
Original poster
littlemissbitch · 18/03/2007 10:14

thank you spidermama, you seem to understand how i feel, im not a emotional person i think im pretty easy going but my husband is so uptight, i dont think its really since the kids came i think there has always been a underlying problem but this is the first of me addmitting it. im just not sure what to do anymore

OP posts:
Summerfruit · 18/03/2007 10:14

Message withdrawn

bampa · 18/03/2007 10:15

there must be a trigger. Was he expecting sex this morning?! have seen on another thread a woman who turned down her dh this morning and now he's huffing (pathetic).
Not being smug at all but my dh talks to me all the time so there are men out there who are not like this and you don't have to accept it if you're not happy x

Spidermama · 18/03/2007 10:20

I think it is a good idea to 'confront' but it has to be done so carefully otherwise you'll put him on the defensive. This is much easier said than done, but you need to try to talk to him about it calmly and without accusation. ie instead of saying something like, 'You're being horrible and ignoring me' you say, 'It makes me feel bad when you don't talk to me'.

Original poster
littlemissbitch · 18/03/2007 10:22

thank you so much everyone, got a few tears reading your messages and dont think i have cried since watching titanic. i never really thought about my daughter clicking that its mothers day when i got to my mums (duh) so thanks for that i will have to try and explain something, and i know i should really sit down and talk to him but i seem to be at the stage just now where i think can i really be bothered making the effort, do i really care anymore if he can hurt me this much, but of course i will because i have two very special little girls to think about and someone has to try and put them first!! i do kinda think omg will i look back at 60 and think oops i should of left long ago (im only 25 just now)

OP posts:
littlelapin · 18/03/2007 10:23

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
littlemissbitch · 18/03/2007 10:24

p.s the sex thing is a very good comment, thats usually what morning arguments are about, but my little one was up so early that i really dont think (for once) that was the problem, that will be tomorrow mornings problem

OP posts:
Spidermama · 18/03/2007 10:25

Good luck LMB. And happy mothers day.

littlelapin · 18/03/2007 10:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
littlemissbitch · 18/03/2007 10:26

yes littlelapin it will be all darling this and honey that, i think my mum is a lot smarter than she lets on though and can see right through it, she knows me so well and can tell if there is a problem but she will not say anything incase it upsets me and prob put a downer on her day, oh the joys!!!

OP posts:
bampa · 18/03/2007 10:32

gotta go too but definitely think about telling him how you feel as soon as possible. You can/will and deserve to be happy. let us know how you are x

littlelapin · 18/03/2007 10:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
littlemissbitch · 18/03/2007 10:39

oh what to do, will i just throw my lovely dinner in the car and drive of tyres screeching down the street thelma and louise style with the kids in the back while giving him the finger in the rear view mirror, or will we all go to my mums and me keep quiet so as not to upset anyone else and be hurting on the inside all day!!

i think i know what one it will be

thing is i am such a in your face person who always says what they think to other people, but when it comes to my pathetic husband i always take a step back, WHY???

OP posts:
littlelapin · 18/03/2007 10:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
littlemissbitch · 18/03/2007 10:43

very close haha. its a vauxhall astra

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 18/03/2007 10:46

Hmmm, not excusing your DH's behaviour at all here, but it did strike me that you were telling him what to do for mother's day. You didn't want a store-bought card. You want a card from your older daughter, which your husband must help her with. You want breakfast in bed. No surprises, then?

Maybe he felt a bit bossed around and dictated to, and would rather have some say in what he does for you? I know my DH would really dislike me micromanaging him this way. (Yes, maybe he wouldn't bother at all with mother's day then, which would suck, too, but not any more than this does, surely?)

Songbird · 18/03/2007 10:54

Mmnn, it sounds like this is an ongoing problem which has upset you so much this morning because it Mother's Day. To be different in front of other people is a conscious decision, so he knows he's being a git in private - it all sounds very controlling to me. Not that I'm a psychologist or owt! I think NQC might be right - this morning was a bit of a 'stuff you, I'm not going to do what you told me to do' kind of thing - control control!

A slight aside, I don't think my dh would even know how to help dd make a card, and he's just a bit great normally. He rang up nursery just before my 30th and asked if she could make me a card there!

But what f*er for doing it today!

Original poster
littlemissbitch · 18/03/2007 10:54

we are actually having to buy a second car just now because of my husbands work so money is a bit tight and we have had to cut back for a lot of things.

the way i worded it was something along the lines of " im not bothered about getting something bought, i would be over the moon with a handmade card from as i know has already made one and a long lie", which is not really a big think in this house because we take it turn about getting up with the kids at the weekend and i was up with them yesterday, thats what hurt as i felt that if it was any other normal weekend he would have been out the bed like a shot.

OP posts:
warthog · 18/03/2007 12:07

he is being a prize twit.

this afternoon, when your mum asks how your day has been, say the truth. baldly. 'i asked for two things - a card from the dc's and a lie in. dh refused to get up and didn't help the kids make a card so actually my day has been pretty awful'.

don't make any excuses for him and don't cover up for him. he has made a royal f*ck up of today for you and he shouldn't get to pretend everything is ok.