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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

so upset and need a shoulder to cry on

64 replies

littlemissbitch · 18/03/2007 09:59

hi there not really posted anything before and not sure if anyone will read this but here goes

my husband and i seem to have a bizarre relationship to say the least every one on the outside thinks that we are the perfect couple-if only they knew!!!

but the reasonim posting this is because this morning (mothers day)i have not had 2 words spoke to me, i told him yesterday (in a nice way) that i did not want anything bought for me, i knew my 2 year old had made me a card at creche and said i would be over the moon with breakfast in bed and a card made from my 5 year old (which he would have to help her with)

6-45 this morning my 2 year old woke up and i my husband made no attemp to get up so i did (bang goes my long lie and breakfast in bed) anyway 8-30 he comes downstairs and ignores me, my 5 year old comes down 10 mins later gives me big hug and kiss as she does ever morning but i quickly realise that she has no clue what day it is and has not made me a card (her dad never bothered to sit her down and explain and tell her why) i cant even put up the card that my 2 year old made cause im worried incase my 5 year old sees it and asks what its for and i have to explain which may upset her.

we are all going to my mums this afternoon, i have gone to a lot of effort to buy a lovely meal that my dad and husband were going to cook for us but i feel like screming, why should he be allowed to put on a show in front of my parents (once again) when he has hurt me so much this morning.

do i sound really sad/bitter/childish, i have no idea what i feel i might achieve by writing this but im at a point in my life just now where nothing makes sense anymore, i just want to put my kids in the car and drive and never stop.

OP posts:
greenfinch · 18/03/2007 12:51

maybe it is a money issue thing with him - one of our fav arguments between my dh & i is how much money i have spent food shopping as i never manage to get it consistantly between our budget, some weeks i do some i don't, i now shop on line & this seems to work!
when he has been like this in the past has it related to money?

bellarosa · 18/03/2007 15:01

it sounds like a controll thing to me. it is your day today and thats put hin out, so by not talking he is putting the focus onto him rather than you, there by getting all the attention.
i personally think whenever anyone does the silent treatment it is all about wanting attention and feeling needy. and behaving like a toddler!

poor you!

if it's any consolation i had the dd's flung at me at 5.45 this morn and no card, nothing!
i took them swimming and dh was still in bed when i got back and huge piles of washing up to do in kitchen!
great mothers day! not!

Original poster
littlemissbitch · 18/03/2007 15:10

thank you so much you last three, im just really not sure what to do with myself, today has been totally ruined for me, but its so nice to have a bit of support, im at my mums just now trying to act normal so as not to ruin her day but will be having it out as soon as we get home, thought i would play on the comp for a while to get out the sitting room

i do feel a bit pathetic being upset abbout this when i have seen some of the other disscussions going on about more serious things bit i do kinda feel i am at breaking point just now.

OP posts:
Original poster
littlemissbitch · 19/03/2007 13:35

well my confronting him never went cery well, my mums house was a killer can you believe the first thing he did was give my mum a kiss and wish her a happy mothers day, we spent the whole day not talking then when we got home last night he went to bed and i had to do all the housework, what a great mothers day.

now today he is storming around doing the big man routine. does anyone else ever look at there husbands and think "oh my god what on earth did i ever see in you"

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wotzsaname · 19/03/2007 13:43

Sorry you had such a bad day yesterday. This kind od behaviour can put a real strain on you relationship. Your children are young, but they will pick up on it and its not fair on them either. You need to speak to each other about this.

It will never be a good time, but try and do it when the children are not around or in bed.

Do you both spend all day, everyday together as your last post suggest he is at home with you now?

littlelapin · 19/03/2007 13:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Boobsgonesouth · 19/03/2007 13:46

wtf is he playing at ?????

No ffod on the table tonight for him then tell him that you're having a belated mothers day and he can cook......

Original poster
littlemissbitch · 19/03/2007 14:06

littlelapin i will give you my address he is on leave just now (in the army prob another reason he is a prick, sorry i know there not all like that just 95%) he goes away in 2 weeks for 2 months and i can not wait!!!!!!! that says it all really

OP posts:
sunnysideup · 19/03/2007 14:32

I do think you need to talk to eachother.

I wonder if some of it is down to his failing to meet your expectations because he doesn't know what they are? I mean, my dh would never dream of wishing me a happy mother's day; I am not his mum! He WOULD give his mum or my mum a kiss and wish them a happy mother's day though, because that would be appropriate!

If you wanted a lie in on mother's day, it's a case of TELLING him, not just thinking "well, he is making no move to get up so I guess I'll have to" Men need to be TOLD!

I know you say he doesn't communicate so I am not saying you don't have a difficult man here, but I do think you could try being much clearer and explicit with him, simply tell him rather than getting silently angry then 'confronting' him; no-one responds well to confrontation.

good luck - I can see how frustrated you are by it all.

wotzsaname · 19/03/2007 14:32

umm, my sis hubby used to work away alot on the oil rigs and his moods were up and down around leaving and returning, can be stressful all round.

Twinkie1 · 19/03/2007 14:35

This isn't right it is a form of domestic abuse - my XH used to do it to punish me for imaginary slights - ignoring you is not normal adult behaviour and it is sinister when it is not carried on in front of others - is this the only way he behaves strangley???

Do you take a step back because you are afraid of what he will do - his reaction?? What would he do if you brought it up infront of your mum???

littlelapin · 19/03/2007 14:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
littlemissbitch · 19/03/2007 15:28

no littlelapin been at home for a year maybe thats the problem.

twinkle1 i think you are getting at how im feeling but i dont want to admit it to myself, i do think its strange and sinister behavior, im not saying for a minute that i am perfect but i do think there is some problem that runs deeper with him, i dont think for a minute that he would lay a finger on me but i do worry about how he can be with the kids at times, he does have times when he ignores them like this if they have done something wrong where as i give them a ticking of and its all over and done with 2 mins later and im asking for cuddles. im just not sure if it is him being a shit dad or me being a very possesive mum which i know myself i can be.

i did not expect my husband to wish me a happy mothers day, that would have been stupid but i did expect him to get the children to mention it, is that really so terrible??? i make a big fuss on fathers day and his birthday etc thats the kind of person i am so why is it so much to ask for a little something in return.

OP posts:
bampa · 19/03/2007 15:30

lmb how did it go yesterday at your mum's? Was thinking about you x

sunnysideup · 19/03/2007 15:38

yes but littlemiss, did you tell your dh that you expected him to get the kids to mention mother's day? That's what I mean about telling men what you expect!

Though it does sound as if the mother's day thing is the least of what's going on here really; he does sound as if he is using these silences as something of a control mechanism....

I still thinking talking to him is the answer; telling him what you do and don't like....maybe you could consider some form of counselling together?

Original poster
littlemissbitch · 19/03/2007 16:34

hi bampa, was not great but could of been so much worse, now i have to look forward to a whole week of being ignored, thank god for good friends.

ssu i do appreciate your opinion its nice to see what other people think, i would think about councelling even if it was just for the sake of the kids but my husband thinks that he is right all the time and can be so aggresive towards people that i think i would just end up being totally embarrased.

i just dont know what i want anymore, mothers day just made me realise that he really does not give a shit about my feelings at all, he did cook the meal at my mums house and kept telling her to get out the kitchen cause it was her day and she should relax and enjoy it.

OP posts:
Original poster
littlemissbitch · 19/03/2007 16:34

hi bampa, was not great but could of been so much worse, now i have to look forward to a whole week of being ignored, thank god for good friends.

ssu i do appreciate your opinion its nice to see what other people think, i would think about councelling even if it was just for the sake of the kids but my husband thinks that he is right all the time and can be so aggresive towards people that i think i would just end up being totally embarrased.

i just dont know what i want anymore, mothers day just made me realise that he really does not give a shit about my feelings at all, he did cook the meal at my mums house and kept telling her to get out the kitchen cause it was her day and she should relax and enjoy it.

OP posts:
Original poster
littlemissbitch · 19/03/2007 16:35

oops did not mean to post that twice

OP posts:
fireflyfairy2 · 19/03/2007 16:47

Right, so he made a big fuss of your mum, yet treated you like crap?

You sound so much like a friend of mine. everyone loves her h. But he is the biggest bully around. He talks to everyone, tells them all what they want to hear, but he puts her down all the time. Tells her she is a waste of breath & that he won't be wasting his breath on her.

It's verbal abuse. Domestic abuse. You are worth so much more than this man is giving you. Don't let him suck all your confidence from you. You're much too young for that.

Did he talk to you at your mums house yesterday?

americantrish · 19/03/2007 16:57

littlemissbitch> so many hugs for you.... i empathise more than you know. wish we were closer, would have you over for tea.. it breaks my heart when i read of men treating their partners as this... (and it angers me beyond words as well.) if you want to talk off board, i'm here..x

Original poster
littlemissbitch · 19/03/2007 16:59

ff2 thats a really difficult question to answer!! it was sort of a case of not talking to me but not making out thats what he was doing, but making such a huge fuss about doing everything that needed done so my gran was sitting saying "what a good man" i have got (she also got a kiss and a "happy mothers day") i was sat with my bottle of rosy not really sure what was going on.

he would not make a fuss at my mums house as i have such a big family and my male relatives are really protective of me (uncles, cousins, dad) but thats what gets to me, he has them all on side and i dont say anything to them about what really goes on in my life!! why the hell dont i???

i think i know myself that things have gone to far, i dont know if i feel anything for him anymore but because he is in the army our house is with his job and all my friends are on the patch, i even work attatched to the army so if i did ever leave my whole life would be turned upside down, and the kids my daughter is settled in school now and i dont want to move her.

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Original poster
littlemissbitch · 19/03/2007 16:59

thank you so much americantrish

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americantrish · 19/03/2007 17:11

you're so welcome... xx just remember, there is help out there. confidental help...xx

Original poster
littlemissbitch · 19/03/2007 17:12

sorry but i dont even know what sort of help you mean, im new to this kind of situation.

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americantrish · 19/03/2007 17:16

if you feel he is being verbally abusive to you (which it certainly sounds like it) and more so, emotionally abusive. that IS considered domestic violence. and its against the law. you dont have to put up with it. (i've been thru it before...) you can talk to your GP if you trust them. or your HV. or a priest/rabbi/vicar. or what about your family?

and i know its easier said then done. like i said, i've been there. just know you are NOT to blame for HIS behaviour.

i was like you, an in-your-face girl. and then i found myself, my confidence and selfworth beaten down to a pulp (not literally!)

you dont have to face this alone. just know that...x