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Relationships

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Original poster

My fiance invites his family to everything

80 replies

aibu1234 · 30/05/2017 12:44

Hi just wanted to moan and also ask if i have a right to put my foot down/be unhappy about this? I love my fiances family and enjoy spending time with them.

After we got together his sister started dating one of his friends so now whenever we meet up with his friends she is there which is fine as they are a couple (they met as my fiance invited her out with him), both of them like to include their parents in everything also their parents invite themselves to things.

Some examples of this include my fiances friends 30th birthday meal (no other parents were going) , a camping weekend (where i would have felt like i'd tagged along on a family holiday as his sister was already coming rather than it being my idea), a holiday abroad which was my children's first holiday with us as a family and most recently drinks at our house which is for friends and i want to get to know them better, this is what has brought me here.

my children are away so wanted to let my hair down (his sister will be coming as she is part of the group of friends and that is accepted obviously and i have no problem with that). We discussed inviting his parents before hand but as mine are away with my children decided not too so we could have time with friends, they have now invited themselves and rather than him say no its just our friends he says yeah we were going to invite you anyway!

We see his family regularly and as i mentioned i really like spending time with them but would like time with just friends occasionally. If it was a special occasion with other family then i wouldnt mind them coming but it isnt its just a gathering of friends coming for drinks.

Am i wrong to feel like this? how do i go about stopping it happening? Im not sure why i have a problem with it so any insight is great. is it because i feel like an outsider tagging along with his family?

Thanks

OP posts:

RossGellersteeth · 30/05/2017 16:27

HallowedMimic

I'm first generation Irish and it's not the done thing to invite parents out EVERY time you meet up with friends. That would annoy me OP. I really enjoy meeting up with my MIL and FIL but I'd hate if they were at every night out I went to.

2rebecca · 30/05/2017 17:03

When they said where is our invite that was his cue to say " ha ha it's just friends not a family thing" and treat it as a joke as my son or stepson would if I suggested we attend a barbecue they're having with their young friends. I might be told to have my own barbecue with my " mum friends" ( by my son my step kids wouldn't be that cheeky). Why don't they have their own social life?
Has he never been at uni or lived away from his parents? Sounds far too enmeshed for me, although my cousin and her husband are like this with all Facebook pics of endless family gatherings and posts about how much the nannas are missed when they are on holiday.

OlennasWimple · 30/05/2017 17:05

Someone else needs to tell your fiance and his sister that their parents aren't invited

christmaswreaths · 30/05/2017 17:15

I am also from a different cultural background where family is king yet do not mix family and friends much. Neither does my extended family or friends.

It would annoy me no end.. Totally unnecessary imo

rollonthesummer · 30/05/2017 18:02

he does see his friends without parents as he has nights out just with "the boys" however whenever we are socialising with friends he invites his parents

Ask him why he doesn't invite his mum and Dad on boys nights out!

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 30/05/2017 18:15

he does see his friends without parents as he has nights out just with "the boys" however whenever we are socialising with friends he invites his parents
This is a clue and it isn't good: is he avoiding giving you his undivided attention? Does he have a need to show his parents he is in a relationship? Are you a prop in the all about him show?

museumum · 30/05/2017 18:15

I wouldn't like my inlaws at every social occasion, even though I do like them a lot.
Are you quite close in age with mixed age friends? My parents are in their 70s while my friends are 35-45 mostly. My parents like my friends but wouldn't want to hang out with them too often.

user1471462115 · 30/05/2017 21:04

One of our friends often brings her mum.
The rest of us hate it.
So we don't see our friend anywhere near as often as we would like to.

Have you really got your fiancé to think how it would be if all his mates brought their parents too.......

CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 30/05/2017 23:32

We tend to do more with his friends than mine. I do stuff with my friends alone mainly and we rarely mix our friends

Wtf? Does he have an issue hanging out with your friends?
This is too one-sided - why are you revolving everything around him?

Original poster

aibu1234 · 31/05/2017 09:10

Its not one sided, if something comes up with my friends then we see them. His friends arrange more nights together than mine. I used to see my friends more but since i split up with my ex my circle has become smaller as they were couple friends and i struggle to know who to trust, i'm also not invited to as much as its also difficult for them too.

Im the oldest out of his group of his friends by a year but two of the girlfriends are nearly 10 years younger than me! his parents are 16 years older than me.

OP posts:

Original poster

aibu1234 · 31/05/2017 09:21

AndTheBandPlayedOn no he doesnt do it to avoid giving me attention, he is the most attentive person ever! His parents are aware we are in a relationship so he has no need to show them.

I dont feel its unhealthy that he includes his parents, its just the way he is, he is happy to include everyone but i like to separate things.

i spoke to him last night, he said he can be himself around his parents
and they are like his mates but i wont be able to relax as to me they are parents!

OP posts:

2rebecca · 31/05/2017 09:37

Did you make it clear that whilst he feels relaxed you feel on best behaviour and judged? He sounds old enough to appreciate the difference between his relationship with his parents and yours as to you they are an older couple who just happen to be related to him. I feel relaxed with my dad my husband gets bored and wants to do other stuff. He sounds not good at seeing things from others point of view

rollonthesummer · 31/05/2017 09:56

I spoke to him last night, he said he can be himself around his parents

That shows a monumental lack of awareness of how other people might feel?! Does he not think about you?

Justdontgetitatall · 31/05/2017 09:59

Anyone else reminded of Gavin & Stacey?!

HmmOkay · 31/05/2017 10:20

Ask him if he thinks his male friends are as relaxed around his parents? And if so, why doesn't he invite his parents to all his lads nights out? In fact, shouldn't his male friends invite their own parents also to their nights out? And then everyone can relax together, right?

If he and his male friends just love having his parents around then there is the answer. His parents can accompany him on his nights out with male friends and you and him can socialise alone with other friends. Job done.

If, however, he admits that he likes to socialise without his parents sometimes then you can say "Well so do I, dear".

contrary13 · 31/05/2017 10:23

My mother does this. Invites herself along to everything that I and my children do. It drove my ex potty, because of how controlling she was - towards him as well as me, never mind the children.

Today, for example. She asked me if I'd mind her dog today, yesterday. I said "no" because I was planning on spending the day with my son and daughter - we were intending on going somewhere that they could run around (my son) and take photographs (my daughter... and okay, me), and where we could take both of our dogs. This morning, my mother has telephoned to announce that my father is having my daughter's puppy, but not my aging dog for the day with their puppy... and she, my daughter, my son and I are going to a National Trust house, which she's never been to (but which I took my children to the year before last). And somehow it's all been settled. She's decided, she's made her mind up... so it's happening.

"No" is not a word she understands... and if it's dared to be uttered concerning this, it'll cause an almighty row which, quite frankly, I can do without. So we'll trundle along for a quiet life, but seethe with resentment because she's muscled in on what should be a time for me to spend with my children/them to spend with their Mum.

And don't get me started on Bank Holidays, Mother's/Father's Days, Christmas, New Year, Easter, or the entirity of Summer Holidays From School.

OP... your DF might be too cowed by his parents to say "no", and the fact that his sister is amongst your crowd of friends, too... well, that's twice the manipulation being applied, I'm afraid. Do you know what his childhood was like? Mine was horrendous. My parents are both abusive - emotionally, verbally and physically - my older brothers went NC with them years ago... so I'm all that's left, my children are the only grandchildren that they see, and since they became great-grandparents not so long ago to a little one they will apparently never meet/see/know about, it's been twice as hard to put my foot down. Because I feel sorry for them. Maybe your DF and his sister feel sorry for their parents, too...?

But you need to make a stand. My ex did, and it worked until he and I separated. But I'm still grateful to him for those four years of relative peace and being able to spend time with my children (and him) without my mother dominating the entire trip out/day.

kittybiscuits · 31/05/2017 10:30

Don't forget to make sure your P's dad is invited on boys' nights

HildaOg · 31/05/2017 10:44

So he has no intention of changing for you. You either accept they come permanently attached, they'll be right in the middle of your relationship and it'll always be you against the entire family, he'll be on the families side... or you move on. There is no compromise here.

Trills · 31/05/2017 10:44

Of the events you describe in your first post, the "inviting parents to someone else's 30th birthday" is the weirdest.

If his parents wanted to be included in everything, but the two of you agreed that you didn't want them around all the time, you could make it work.

But it doesn't sound like he WANTS them around less.
He's not going to invite them to things less often or tell them "actually this is just us" if they hear about something.
He's not going to start doing something that he has never done, something that is hard and awkward, in order to achieve a goal that he doesn't care about.

It's easier for him to carry on as he is, and assume that you will get used to it.

Original poster

aibu1234 · 31/05/2017 10:49

if he said no to them i dont think there would be an issue, they may jokingly say something about not being invited but it would pass but the problem is he invites them and they think it is fine so they come or they invite themselves (jokingly i think) and he says ok so again they come! they are not trying to be manipulative they just genuinely think its ok.

OP posts:

gotthemoononastick · 31/05/2017 10:54

Oh dear OP.You really need to read all HildaOG.s posts very carefully.
This family dynamic is already set and you will never change it.
It is hard for you to hear ,but I would run a mile.

loveka · 31/05/2017 10:59

A branch of my family are like this.

They have always had their parents at everything, all go on holiday together, see their parents every day. They are like Waltons. I've always wondered how partners feel in this type of set up.

I don't think you are odd to want to socialise without his family at all, but I think if that's his norm then it might be hard to break it.

rollonthesummer · 31/05/2017 11:05

What do you think your/his friends think when his parents are always there???

QuintessentialShadow · 31/05/2017 11:10

So, what would happen if you always asked YOUR parents? Would he enjoy that as much?

I would not marry this man. He is glued to his parents, lack empathy, and put himself and his feelings first.

So stiffing and claustrophobic.

Original poster

aibu1234 · 31/05/2017 11:40

oh dear, i genuinely dont think its worth ending my relationship over, ive only recently felt it needs mentioning , ive told him today he needs to put his foot down with his family in the future and he has said he would, he hasnt in the past because it hasnt bothered him and ive not openly been bothered. He is very easy to talk to, its the first time ive said i find it strange after looking back at a number of times where they have been included. Trust me if we had been having arguements about this in the past then i would be worried but we havent.

OP posts:

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