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Relationships

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Original poster

My fiance invites his family to everything

80 replies

aibu1234 · 30/05/2017 12:44

Hi just wanted to moan and also ask if i have a right to put my foot down/be unhappy about this? I love my fiances family and enjoy spending time with them.

After we got together his sister started dating one of his friends so now whenever we meet up with his friends she is there which is fine as they are a couple (they met as my fiance invited her out with him), both of them like to include their parents in everything also their parents invite themselves to things.

Some examples of this include my fiances friends 30th birthday meal (no other parents were going) , a camping weekend (where i would have felt like i'd tagged along on a family holiday as his sister was already coming rather than it being my idea), a holiday abroad which was my children's first holiday with us as a family and most recently drinks at our house which is for friends and i want to get to know them better, this is what has brought me here.

my children are away so wanted to let my hair down (his sister will be coming as she is part of the group of friends and that is accepted obviously and i have no problem with that). We discussed inviting his parents before hand but as mine are away with my children decided not too so we could have time with friends, they have now invited themselves and rather than him say no its just our friends he says yeah we were going to invite you anyway!

We see his family regularly and as i mentioned i really like spending time with them but would like time with just friends occasionally. If it was a special occasion with other family then i wouldnt mind them coming but it isnt its just a gathering of friends coming for drinks.

Am i wrong to feel like this? how do i go about stopping it happening? Im not sure why i have a problem with it so any insight is great. is it because i feel like an outsider tagging along with his family?

Thanks

OP posts:

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 30/05/2017 14:55

Remind him holidays are a chance to let your hair down and reconnect your private time!! No dtd if his dps are around may stop him inviting them next time!
I hope he does the hosting when they are at your house and it's not you running around after everyone?!

2rebecca · 30/05/2017 14:57

Also your friends will find it weird if gatherings of friends are hijacked by an older couple who aren't part of the friend group any more. Do you need some friends who aren't your boyfriend's friends so you can just go out with them for a drink and leave him with his family. My friends and my husbands' don't overlap much. If a group of us were meeting up for a drink they'd find it odd if I invited my dad along, and I can't see them randomly inviting their parents.

winkywinkola · 30/05/2017 14:58

I would hate to socialise with my family there all the time.

I don't really want to see the same people all the time anyway tbh.

Unfortunately it sounds like this the way it is with your fiancé' family and it's not going to change. So either accept it, or put your foot down or split.

Theresnonamesleft · 30/05/2017 14:58

The sceptic in me wonders if your friends are just making an excuse knowing his parents tag along to everything

Original poster

aibu1234 · 30/05/2017 14:59

2rebecca, thank you yes i agree, i feel it will tarnish the relationship if nothing changes as he doesnt seem to think its an issue. i'm glad its not just me.

OP posts:

2rebecca · 30/05/2017 15:00

Have just seen they aren't actually your friends but his. He seems to be steamrollering over your opinions or not asking them.
He isn't viewing you both as a couple who make joint decisions. He's behaving like a single bloke.

ijustwannadance · 30/05/2017 15:07

If you a child with him they will be there all the bloody time. Probably even when you give birth!

Put you foot down now. You need to have a conversation with your DP about this and what you will or won't accept going forward.

CheersMedea · 30/05/2017 15:08

I think you and your fiance just have different attitudes. Neither is right or wrong and alot of it will depend on your own family experiences and the personalities involved.

By the time you are in (say) your 30s or 40s your parents stop being "parents" (in the sense of "I can't do XYZ party like it's 1999" because MY PARENTS ARE HERE) are actually just adult people. Likewise with siblings.

It is perfectly normal to mix friends and siblings - if that is your lifestyle and background (because your whole family gets on and are non-weird adults who mix well with friends), you would think it odd to make an issue of it. Personally, I would think it was a nice thing (strong family values and loyalty) and it wouldn't bother me at all - all the more so if I liked them.

Equally, if your background is "my parents are a bit [stiff/hippy/eccentric/wild/difficult] so I don't really get on with them and keep them separate from my friends", someone not from that back ground would find that an odd approach.

Neither right or wrong, it doesn't sound like you are suited on this topic. I'm very much more in the former group though (like my family) and I think it's really strange that people say "they can't relax in the same way" if parents are present. Depends on the parents I suppose but I am most relaxed in the company of people I like - whether I am related to them, my DH is related to them or they are just friends.

FinallyHere · 30/05/2017 15:10

Haven't read the whole thread yet, OP, but you really don't know for certain, that they are not coming on the honeymoon with you. If they asked your fiancée, might he not want to say no to them? This needs to be nipped in the bud pronto, or just call the whole thing off. Do you want it to be like this forever?

I suspect he does, that would make him incompatible with me.

Original poster

aibu1234 · 30/05/2017 15:15

Theresnonamesleft - no they really are busy, my friends havent been to an event with his parents as so far its only been his mates put in that situation. We tend to do more with his friends than mine. I do stuff with my friends alone mainly and we rarely mix our friends.

I wouldnt say his friends are my friends, the girls arent friends really just acquaintances who ive chatted to at a few get togethers.

OP posts:

Original poster

aibu1234 · 30/05/2017 15:23

hes not that attached that they would come on the honeymoon, and i know he would put them in their place regarding that without my say so. I wouldnt end my relationship over this, just think we need some boundaries, he says he understands why i feel like i do but i suspect he doesnt. i imagine his friends would feel the same as me.

i would love to ask the couple holidaying with his sister how they feel about his parents tagging along but i wont.

Cheersmedea, i know what you mean and again i dont think there is a right or a wrong, if they hadnt been included on many other activities recently then i would have no problem with it. i just want some socialising time without them.

OP posts:

HildaOg · 30/05/2017 15:26

You can't marry someone expecting to change them for the better. He is who he is. He won't change. You have to decide which future you want:

You marry him and accept his sister and parents as a package that come permanently attached. Multiply it by a thousand when you have a baby with him. They'll be trying to join the birth... They'll never give you a seconds breather with the baby. They'll constantly be on top of you. He'll always put them first. Eventually you'll be driven to divorce him and you'll still be stuck with them forever through a kid.

run.... Find a man that doesn't come with his entire family attached. Find someone you can enjoy holidays and life with.

They're this bad now when you're only engaged. It only gets worse.

Original poster

aibu1234 · 30/05/2017 15:34

Hildaog - well that escalated quickly, maybe it sounds worse written down. I'm not expecting to change him, compromising goes both ways. seeing how well he gets on with his parents was a big part of us getting together as i can see he respects his family and family are important, it doesnt mean they have to be part of everything we do, i just need to put my point across well. We arent sure if we are having children yet so will cross that bridge later.

OP posts:

HildaOg · 30/05/2017 15:43

There is no compromise without him changing and pushing his family out. If he agrees to that, it won't last because they'll push to get back in and he'll revert to his usual self. This is who he is. A man who can't go anywhere without his family attached. If you marry him you'll be marrying his family too. If you have a child with him, you'll be sharing the parenting with them!!!! They're not going to let him go.

Now if you're happy with that, great but you're in for a lot of misery if you think that you can transform him into the person you'd prefer him to be.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/05/2017 15:45

You are not being unreasonable, and if I were you, I wouldn't even consider marrying him until he really starts to understand you and respect your wishes. You aren't asking him to sever contact with his parents by any means. You are rightfully asking for some private time which you are absolutely entitled to. Your fiance needs to cut the apron strings, but I fear he doesn't see the problem.

Atenco · 30/05/2017 15:46

I'm afraid HildaOg has a point. This is quite a major difference between the two of you and, even though 90% of us get it, your fiancé doesn't.

I'm another first generation Irish and I live in a very family-centric country, Mexico, and I have never lived like that. In fact my dd sometimes invites me to things with her friends and I just think it is weird and don't accept.

HmmOkay · 30/05/2017 15:50

I think you should mention to him that he is risking his own friendships with his own mates if his parents always come to everything. The fact that his friends don't invite their own parents to an event is an indicator that it is a 'friends only' thing. And that's absolutely fine.

I wonder if your DP struggles a bit to pick up social clues generally. And I wonder if his parents are similar.

My parents would have very swiftly realised that gatecrashing everything that their children were invited to was not the done thing. The odd occasion is fine of course.

But I do think you should say something to him. He is risking losing some of his own friends.

Original poster

aibu1234 · 30/05/2017 15:55

i have said it to him but then i feel like a bitch, he agreed not to invite them but then his sister mentioned we were having a BBQ and they said wheres our invite so he replied and said oh yeah i was gonna tell you!

His sister put him in a shit position really but if it was my parents i would just say yeah you are not invited as its just friends but then again my parents wouldnt expect to come.

OP posts:

mumblebees · 30/05/2017 16:04

YANBU

HmmOkay · 30/05/2017 16:08

Say it to him again.

It might seem like he is giving in for a quiet life, but doing that has consequences. For him. Seriously, his mates will start to be 'too busy' soon if he doesn't address it. By accommodating his parents all the time, he is being very unfair to his friends.

Ask him if he would like it if he could only see his best friend if his best friend's parents were also there. Would that be okay with him?

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 30/05/2017 16:11

This may be a bit in left field, but...
Have you ever witnessed him saying "no" to his parents, siblings, extended family of origin?

Having an expectation of compromise on this may be a bridge too far for him.

You are one person going up against a conglomerate. It will be far easier for him to say no to you alone rather than numerous others...just less confrontation and resulting guilt and avoiding the verbal spanking and shaming for denying his family. His FOG (fear, obligation, and guilt) towards his family will be exponentially stronger than the FOG he has towards you-he doesn't have any FOG with you. (Relationship should not be operating on FOG anyway.)

You can talk all day and night about boundaries and he will agree with every single one you want...lip service- talk is easy. But then watch his actions- that is where the truth lies. Oh, just this last one; well, this is important to them; I already said they could come; I can't break my mother's heart...

This isn't so much a problem with the family, it is a dp (then dh) problem to manage his family/parents/siblings. He will need to evolve into a stronger adult and stop being a doormat to them.

You will be a perpetual "tag-a-long" in your own relationship with your dp/dh if these boundaries are not enacted.

gleam · 30/05/2017 16:16

Sounds very claustrophobic. I couldn't live like that.

weatherbomb · 30/05/2017 16:17

I'd rather have them at a bbq than on holiday OP!!! As pp have said, they don't seem to understand social norms - ie: that you can have a life outside if your parents. Do they socialise with their own friends?
It's interesting to see that you haven't decided on children yet - it won't be long after the wedding before you get an awful lot of pressure to be parents. Without meaning to sound horrible, when you do decide to have a family it will be relentless and take the joy out of your pregnancy and you'll have little precious time to build your family unit without it being gatecrashed by g'parents.
Heaven forbid that you can't have children - more pressure as your relationship is not being respected by others. DP will not stand up to them without there being upset so boundaries need to be put in place now.
Your DP & his family perhaps unintentionally, do not respect privacy within your relationship and he needs to deal with this. Unless its a cultural thing which is a whole different ballgame & often more difficult to overcome.

Original poster

aibu1234 · 30/05/2017 16:23

he does see his friends without parents as he has nights out just with "the boys" however whenever we are socialising with friends he invites his parents.

i hope they dont come on saturday but if they dont it wont be because he told them not too. he needed to say something at the time or they will know its come from me. Just hope his sister doesnt ask where they are as it will pee me off, i feel put on the spot as he would just say oh they decided not to come rather than it was just a get together for our friends.

OP posts:

Original poster

aibu1234 · 30/05/2017 16:26

i already have 2 children who he has taken on as his own, we are thinking about putting the focus on our relationship and current situation instead of having more children but we are not 100% decided. i wish i could show him this thread, i think a heart to heart is best.

OP posts:

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