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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

'I'm not getting any younger and neither are you'

85 replies

LottieandMia · 29/05/2017 22:48

So said a man I've been dating.

I'm 36 - I don't want any more children at all. This man is my age and apparently he wants another child before he's 40. This is a thing he has stuck in his mind.

AIBU to think this is a really rude thing to say. I already have 3 children and my youngest is 8. I am just at a point where I can get my career back as dd1 is starting residential school and he wants me to go back to square 1!

OP posts:

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LottieandMia · 29/05/2017 23:22

He already has a daughter. I think he needs to find a woman who doesn't have kids yet.

OP posts:

Bigfurcat · 29/05/2017 23:27

Basically it's saying: "the BEST you can get is to be my wife and have my child"

the kind of men who say this kind of thing are generally misogynists deep down (of the "I don't beat you so you should be REALLY grateful to have me") type.

I bet he also thinks that you're so desperate not to be labelled a "single mother" that you're gagging to be Mrs ( and will be so grateful to be "rescued" that you'll be doing domestic services for him for the rest of your life)

never mind you have an amazing independent life ahead of you with your three children and career! ( and a man the icing on the cake when you date someone nice)

LottieandMia · 29/05/2017 23:29

Oh well you see he's decided to start a new business and he automatically assumes I'm going to work with him

OP posts:

BackforGood · 29/05/2017 23:34

It's not rude. It's being clear about what is important to him. Makes a lot of sense rather than you getting even more committed when what you want is so very different from what he wants.
If both of you are adamant, then you know this relationship can't work. No point in one keeping quiet and hoping to win the other round, then finding our 6 yrs down the line that you aren't going to change your mind. This is a good time to be clear.

Brogadoccio · 29/05/2017 23:35

If you're youngest is 8, then enjoy the tiny bit of freedom that will be around the corner.

AhYerWill · 29/05/2017 23:36

Why are you still dating him and not following your gut instinct to run a mile?

Bigfurcat · 29/05/2017 23:36

Don't forget you won't be requiring a salary or maternity pay as his wife I don't like the sound of him at all.

Blended families are challenging for children and adults and his determination to "have another baby" to add to the mix seems very desperate and like it will end in chaos.

Lynnm63 · 29/05/2017 23:38

What he said is a statement of fact but it shows you are incompatible as you have different life goals. You know he isn't going to change your mind so you'll have to end it as he seems to think he can.

AnyFucker · 29/05/2017 23:40

How long have uou been dating him ?

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 29/05/2017 23:42

Red flags are flying a plenty.

Get rid of him.

Arealhumanbeing · 29/05/2017 23:44

It is rude, in that he's trying to have a dig about your age because he knows you won't do what he wants. He assumes you'll be wrong footed and upset by it because you're a woman.

Also you're young so he's full of it.

Bigfurcat · 29/05/2017 23:50

I once got told I was getting on a bit by someone (much older himself) I was dating.

I was 29

(Dear reader, I didn't marry him)

TheMysteriousJackelope · 29/05/2017 23:57

It sounds like he has all kinds of plans that he is pretty firm about, that he hasn't actually discussed with you, also that you don't think much of the future career and life he has picked out for you.

I think you are right, you aren't compatible. I'd be profoundly irritated to have someone organizing my life for me and being under the impression they could talk me around into having a child I didn't want and taking on a career I don't want either. I'm sorry, this sucks.

I bet he's the sort that would have ordered for you in restaurants 25 years ago before men realized that's presumptuous and not endearing.

noova61 · 30/05/2017 00:13

Your body is your own, you decide what you do with it....Theres no guarantee he would stick around even if you did decide to have a child with him. Your youngest is 8, nows the time to start enjoying the little bit of extra freedom you have. Hes trying to organise your life into the little boxes he has lined up along the wall.. he isnt discussing anything with you, hes simply assuming you will follow like a good girl....dont go there.

user1471545174 · 30/05/2017 00:15

He's trying to push you into a course of action you don't want (another child) using psychological pressure. He wants you to react against his age gibe by getting pregnant.

AcrossthePond55 · 30/05/2017 00:15

What an arse! As if being 'of a certain age' is going make you say 'Gee, I think I want another baby'. Ha!

Be sure you aren't relying on him for contraception in any way, shape, or form. And move forwards with your plans to be sterilized. It was a mutual decision for DH and I and it was the best, most freeing, thing I've ever done.

Benedikte2 · 30/05/2017 00:24

I don't think he is being rude by saying you aren't getting any younger if he's alluding to your having another child, because you have reached an age where fertility wanes and the risks to mother and child become greater. However, he is disrespecting your clear statements that you do not want another child and trying to rush you into trying to get pregnant "before it becomes too late".
There is no way round the fact that if you had another child you would feel frustrated and if you didn't he would feel cheated. If either gave in to the other's wishes it's almost certainly going to lead to resentment in the future. Tell him you are incompatible and look for a partner who does not want more children but is content to support you in raising your DC

noova61 · 30/05/2017 00:28

Having my hysterectomy was the best thing Ive ever done,.. I wanted one child, I had one..medical issues meant a hysterectomy and thats what I had. We did discuss if either of us wanted anymore children, we didnt, end of conversation.

Slimthistime · 30/05/2017 00:46

"I've told him I don't want any more children and that I am going to be sterilised.

He thinks he can change my mind"

Oh. That should have been the first thing you said.

Send him on his merry way.

peaceout · 30/05/2017 00:53

If you go ahead with the sterilisation and he stays with you he will try and use it as a bargaining tool, ie 'you denied me the chance to have another child, you got your own way on that so I should have my way on xyz'

he will 'game you' and make it a debt to him that you'll never pay off

FritzDonovan · 30/05/2017 00:55

The information here is all a bit one sided, and I can see how what he has said may have been completely innocent in intent. Nothing wrong with wanting another baby, and he wants it with you. So far so good. He's also possibly looking into the future and seeing you work as a team on the new business, as a family interest. Having said that, the age comment was a bit tactless, and I understand exactly where you are coming from, not wanting to start all over again with a new baby. I wouldn't jump to conclusions based on what you have said so far, it depends how the rest of your relationship is and how long you have been seeing each other as to how he meant it...

peaceout · 30/05/2017 00:56

he wont explicitly say these things, they will be implicit

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SandyY2K · 30/05/2017 01:11

Women have said the exact same comment when they want to settle down and have a child, but suddenly he's misogynistic for saying the same thing.

You have 3 children and you're done... Nothing wrong with that.

He couldn't have known for sure you wouldn't want any more.

I'm not sure if it's how you phrased it, but saying the 'man you've been dating'.. Gives the impression it's not a very serious relationship.

All that aside... He's entitled to express his view on wanting a child and you have every right to not have one.

It's definitely time to go your separate ways and he can find someone who wants a child.

How long have you been together?

What makes him believe you don't mean what you say about not wanting more children? Does he think he's that much of a catch, that you'd give it on something as serious as this?

LottieandMia · 30/05/2017 04:47

In answer to how long have we been dating - only a few months. He tries to frame things in a way that is designed to make me believe that only he will be any good for me and that only he can make me happy.

It's incredibly patronising. I'm happy on my own.

I think that my two younger children need me - they need the time I can now give them. Dd2 has her GCSEs coming up in a couple of years and she needs me to be a supportive parent, not nursing a newborn etc.

Obviously I know that post 35 there are more complications and that it's normal to allude to that but he knows full when I don't want any more kids.

OP posts:

TheNaze73 · 30/05/2017 06:31

I don't think he's being manipulative. Just honest. If it offends you though, then so be it

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