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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

'I'm not getting any younger and neither are you'

85 replies

LottieandMia · 29/05/2017 22:48

So said a man I've been dating.

I'm 36 - I don't want any more children at all. This man is my age and apparently he wants another child before he's 40. This is a thing he has stuck in his mind.

AIBU to think this is a really rude thing to say. I already have 3 children and my youngest is 8. I am just at a point where I can get my career back as dd1 is starting residential school and he wants me to go back to square 1!

OP posts:

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PoorYorick · 30/05/2017 19:34

OP, you clearly don't like him (understandably) and you said explicitly you're happy on your own. You know what you have to do.

Loopytiles · 30/05/2017 13:27

Yet another red flag. He doesn't even have enough sense, so early in a new relationship, not to say shit that reveals he's a twat.

AnyFucker · 30/05/2017 11:18

This pillock doesn't deserve the time of day from you

Move on

mummytime · 30/05/2017 11:17

That's another red flag - blaming he Ex. (If your Ex was a complete bastard you are still unlikely to blame him entirely, more likely to wonder how you were taken in).

Mentioning you would like children/more children is okay. Pressurising someone because "you are running out of time" is entirely different.

category12 · 30/05/2017 10:13

He sounds an arse. Get rid and give him no further thought.

ravenmum · 30/05/2017 10:06

Sounds a bit of a tit, but that's not your problem.

LottieandMia · 30/05/2017 10:03

Another thing he said on the latest date is that he feels his ex wife was entirely to blame for them breaking up. It's never entirely one persons fault!

OP posts:

FizzyGreenWater · 30/05/2017 09:59

OP, it's more the kind of thing you say if you're a controlling arse, actually!

'I don't agree so even though it's a massive decision which affects you much more than me, my plan isn't to accept what you say but try my hardest to manipulate you to my way of thinking'.

LottieandMia · 30/05/2017 09:53

It's the sort of thing you might say if neither of you had ever been married at all and didn't have children.

OP posts:

LottieandMia · 30/05/2017 09:52

Having a child has far more impact on the mother than the father of the child usually.

OP posts:

MissShittyBennet · 30/05/2017 09:46

It's not the phrasing that's the problem, it's the sentiment behind it. If you did think you might want another child, tbh it's just good sense. As you're clear that you don't, the fact that you're going to be too old for it in a few years is irrelevant, isn't it? So why bring it up?

I think you were right to end it. You're evidently not compatible and want very different things, so best to leave it now before anyone gets too attached. Wise choice imho.

Isetan · 30/05/2017 09:39

You're dating, the whole point of which, is to get know each other and assess your compatibility. He wants children and you don't, therefore you aren't compatible and him trying to change your mind is no weirder than you hanging around for him to change his.

Move on already!

FizzyGreenWater · 30/05/2017 09:25

Wow!

'No, what you say is immaterial, silly little woman - you may think that now, but if I think differently then I will soon change your mind. I want more children, so I will make sure you have them for me. Your career? That doesn't matter, because I have decided that I will be starting a business, so you will work with me, of course. My decision!'

I am very glad that you've stopped seeing this complete arsehole. Glad for your childrens' sake too!!

Thinkingofausername1 · 30/05/2017 09:07

I think you need to let him go. Don't have a baby that you don't want. It is your body at the end of the day

Justdontgetitatall · 30/05/2017 08:59

So you've ended it then OP? What did he say? X

RandomMess · 30/05/2017 08:47

With the joining him in his new business there are red flags everywhere.

Would love to know why he really split up with his ex!

Glad you've ended, onwards and upwards.

Waltermittythesequel · 30/05/2017 08:41

Yes, definitely seems as though he's trying to make you feel desperate enough to settle with him quickly.

Huge red flag, IMO. Not necessarily rude but definitely worrying!

hellsbellsmelons · 30/05/2017 08:41

Anyway I'm not seeing him any more
Good decision.
You aren't compatible.
There are red flags here.
You carry on being happy on your own.

ravenmum · 30/05/2017 08:40

he's suggesting I need to settle down with him quickly because of my age [...]or I wouldn't find anyone else
That particular idea is not so much rude as ignorant, I'd say - people look for new partners at all ages. Tbh, though, I would think he was probably just seeing it through his "must have a child now before it is too late" lens, without thinking about your very different point of view at all. So rather self-obsessed rather than deliberately rude.

It is all kind of irrelevant, though, as Aquamarine says. You're not staying with him so he can be as rude or self-obsessed as he likes.

LottieandMia · 30/05/2017 08:29

I wouldn't say I'm sensitive about my age. If a female friend had said it to me I wouldn't have been bothered. I think the reason it annoys me is because he's suggesting I need to settle down with him quickly because of my age as though he's so desperate he has to convince me I'll either not be happy unless I'm with him or I wouldn't find anyone else.

Disclaimer - I have AS and overthink things! So I'm prepared to accept that maybe I am.

OP posts:

Waltermittythesequel · 30/05/2017 08:21

He sounds a bit mad making all these plans after five minutes, but he wasn't rude.

You've said you don't look your age, but I don't think that's relevant. Are you sensitive about your age? You shouldn't be! You're still young!

Aquamarine1029 · 30/05/2017 08:13

He is NOT the guy for you. End of story.

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ravenmum · 30/05/2017 08:07

talk of babies within 3 months is a bit off.
Really? Why wouldn't you mention that, if it was important to you? What a waste of time otherwise, if you were not on the same page. Obviously not "Hi, I'm John, will you be the mother to my baby", but certainly having a chat about your hopes in life, "... and I'd really like to start a family one day" for example. At which point the other person says "I'm not looking to have any more kids", then at the end of the date you say "Well, it was lovely meeting you but it looks like we both want very different things".

mummytime · 30/05/2017 08:02

There are a few red flags here, so it's a good thing you are dumping him.
Wants to change you.
Isn't listening.
Puts his needs first.
And plain doesn't seem to be trying to "woo" you - talk of babies within 3 months is a bit off.

ravenmum · 30/05/2017 07:57

In that case your answer is "It makes no difference how old I am, as I don't want kids. But obviously you need to hurry up and find another gf that does want kids. And when you find another date, make that clear from the start, to save time. Just as a tip: try finding a woman who doesn't already have three kids. Good luck."

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