Financial control - my heads in a mess

[HardestButtonToButton]

I'm hoping that by writing this down, I can sort my head out a bit as I feel like I am going mad.

DH took control of some of our finances several years ago after I had DS. Since then, he has slowly taken control over all of our joint finances and has access to my bank account and credit card (which he took out in my name without my permission) He had always said that he does this as he is better able to manage our money. Although generally things have been ticking along ok, I resent the control he has over our income. I never know what money will be available to me and often have to ask for money. Attempts in the past to talk to him or sort this out have led to huge rows and I am starting to realise that I have been burying my head in the sand and going along with it to avoid confrontation.

This has been going on for several years but what has made me start questioning things is that I recently attended a work event, DH was not happy about me going and threatened to restrict my income so that I wouldn't be able to go. He didn't follow through the threat and I did go to the event but couldn't stop thinking about the threat and this has really made me question things. The more I think about things the worse they seem. I don't know exactly how much he earns and requests to see his bank statements have always been refused or there is some excuse for not showing me them. In the past, he has had debt problems which he wasn't honest about until I found out by accident and he had no choice but to tell me.

I tried to speak to him about this yesterday and he accused me of being ungrateful. He told me that I am not capable of managing my own money and also accused me of creating problems that don't exist. He told me that he pity's me.

My head is such a mess today. I feel panicky and anxious and feel very stupid. I am angry with myself that I have let this happen. I don't know what to think - I don't think things can go on like this, I don't know if I should consider leaving, if I even could leave, or if things aren't as bad as that like he says and maybe I am being ungrateful.

Sorry this is so long! Any advice would be gratefully received.

Jesus. I am glad I am single. Can (some) men stoop any lower??!

The point about keeping a log is two-fold.

Firstly it helps you get things straight in your head and you can look back and get perspective. You can see that you're not actually going mad/making stuff up.

Secondly but more importantly it could possibly be used to get you legal aid to pay for a solicitor. That would provide you with more options/flexibility. It's also possible that it could provide evidence for a criminal prosecution under the new domestic abuse laws (unlikely but worth having in mind).

Evidence that someone can claim was made up and at a later stage was put into a book, PC, smartphone etc will look far more convincing if it appears to be contemporaneous. Given the chance I'd have a (very) hidden email account that I'd send my reports to. Naturally, it would be sensible to delete the emails in the sent folder of the sending account.

That's a good idea nauticant, I will start this today using the new email address. I definitely need to convince myself that I'm not going mad at the very least.

I hope things are working out for you now brogadoccio. The challenging the status quo and changes in behaviour certainly seems true of my DH.

Thanks again for all the replies, it's really helping me to keep the self doubt at bay.

Keep up the great work op, you're doing awesomely
😎

You're making progress!! If he wants money off you then you insist on seeing the bills for rent, council tax, his salary etc. Agree to pay for only a proportional amount based on income less a chunk to pay off the credit card each month. Remember all child related cost to be shared too.

My friend is in a similar position OP.

I wish she was doing as well as you are at changing things!

Please don't fall for the Mr. Nice behaviour, it is a scam! Have a look at the red flags of narcissism/emotional abuse. I would imagine there are a lot that you can probably tick.

It is awful to realise that the life you thought you had and the person you thought you knew doesn't actually exist but this is actually what you will probably realise over time. He will have painted a picture of himself as a nice person and everything goes swimmingly so long as you pretend that his picture is the correct one. It is only when you challenge him and refuse to accept his behaviour any more that you realise that he simply isn't that person. Be prepared for him to turn really nasty at some point when he realises that you are serious about refusing to submit to his controlling behaviour any more.

Be prepared for emotional blackmail and then threats that you will get nothing, he wants the kids to live with him, etc etc these are all usual ploys.