Financial control - my heads in a mess

[HardestButtonToButton]

I'm hoping that by writing this down, I can sort my head out a bit as I feel like I am going mad.

DH took control of some of our finances several years ago after I had DS. Since then, he has slowly taken control over all of our joint finances and has access to my bank account and credit card (which he took out in my name without my permission) He had always said that he does this as he is better able to manage our money. Although generally things have been ticking along ok, I resent the control he has over our income. I never know what money will be available to me and often have to ask for money. Attempts in the past to talk to him or sort this out have led to huge rows and I am starting to realise that I have been burying my head in the sand and going along with it to avoid confrontation.

This has been going on for several years but what has made me start questioning things is that I recently attended a work event, DH was not happy about me going and threatened to restrict my income so that I wouldn't be able to go. He didn't follow through the threat and I did go to the event but couldn't stop thinking about the threat and this has really made me question things. The more I think about things the worse they seem. I don't know exactly how much he earns and requests to see his bank statements have always been refused or there is some excuse for not showing me them. In the past, he has had debt problems which he wasn't honest about until I found out by accident and he had no choice but to tell me.

I tried to speak to him about this yesterday and he accused me of being ungrateful. He told me that I am not capable of managing my own money and also accused me of creating problems that don't exist. He told me that he pity's me.

My head is such a mess today. I feel panicky and anxious and feel very stupid. I am angry with myself that I have let this happen. I don't know what to think - I don't think things can go on like this, I don't know if I should consider leaving, if I even could leave, or if things aren't as bad as that like he says and maybe I am being ungrateful.

Sorry this is so long! Any advice would be gratefully received.

Definitely stand your ground! He is financially abusive.

Well done! Stay strong and don't allow him to bully you.

If theres debt on the card thats his, surely any rent due from you to him goes towards clearing that debt until its paid off?

The Money Advice Service website has a section on fraud. That is a govt service and I think they have a helpline too.

Surely if he took out a credit card in your name without your knowledge then that is fraud?

Good for you!

I actually wouldn't use an app on your phone - I think it's too easy to get into someone else's phone, either through them watching you enter the code, you leaving it open, or pressing your thumb against it when you're asleep. Yes, really. I would use online banking ONLY from your work pc or another pc out of the home. And I'd also leave your bank cards locked in your office rather than take them home. He won't take this lying down.

Well done OP, you can do this!

Have you ever used the credit card OP? If not and your "D"H forged your signature, in your shoes I'd think about telling him that he needs to clear that debt sharpish or you'll be discussing the fraud with the credit card company.

Also, start keeping a record somewhere of his abuse. Even if it's a few sentence at a time on your phone, if he does something unpleasant make a record of it.

i wouldn't be paying any rent until he'd cleared the credit card.......

Any update OP? Are you ok? A little worried here....

You ok, op?

Yes I'm ok and still here! I'm sorry I didn't mean to cause worry.

That's a good idea about keeping a log of his behaviour. He has been in a hideous mood the last couple of days but things are calmer today and he is being quite charming. I am still not backing down though. I also feel that he is making things sound more complicated than they need to be probably in the hope that I'll give up.

I am concerned that because I have known about the credit card for a while (stupid, I know) I don't have a case for fraud? I'm also worried about doing that whilst we are still living together but will have a look at the MAS website.

I have started looking into the possibility of me and DS leaving and what I need to do but I am undecided. It seems harder today as he is being so nice but then I think maybe he knows how to get around me. I am planning on speaking to CAB next week and I have access to a legal and counselling helplines through work as well. At the very least, I want to have a plan in place and I can hopefully start putting money behind me now.

Thanks again for all the advice

Fine if you get new cards and alert the bank but if the post still comes to your address he will no doubt open them. Can you find an alternative safe way of having stuff posted to you?

Absolutely he is being nice simply in order to get you back under control.

He's rattled as you are preventing him controlling you directly - well done! - so he's now simply moving to other means. Be nice, try to confuse you about details - butter you up - persuade you to let him have control of money because it's easier/simpler/don't you trust me?

Don't let it deflect you. I'll predict now that it won't last - when he sees this tactic not working, he'll try rage and guilt tripping and intimidation again. Probably ramped up, so be careful.

Hardest

re your comment in quote marks:-
"I have started looking into the possibility of me and DS leaving and what I need to do but I am undecided. It seems harder today as he is being so nice but then I think maybe he knows how to get around me".

Controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour; all his actions are about power and control and he still wants absolute over you. Financially abusive men are often not just solely financially abusive either; my guess is that he has ramped up the power and control antes against you since the early days of your relationship.

Now he is in the nice part of the abuse cycle and it won't last. He has already been horrible to you and is back to being "nice" again. He will turn soon enough. Ultimately you need to plan a life for your DS and you without him in it and sooner rather than later.

If you were to read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft (keep that book at your workplace) you would find him in those pages.

He won't let go of you easily (because he will then have to find some other "sap" - that is how little he thinks of you really, to control and he does not want to have to put that work in) and he will likely make any aspect of you separating from him as long and protracted as possible as a further last gasp effort to control you and your DS.

He certainly does still know how to get around you; he is a past master after all the years of manipulating you. He has played you over the years like a fiddle. Do not continue to allow your DS absorb such damaging lessons about relationships. This would be no legacy to leave your son.

"I am planning on speaking to CAB next week and I have access to a legal and counselling helplines through work as well. At the very least, I want to have a plan in place and I can hopefully start putting money behind me now"

It will take time to save money however, and the longer you stay the more he will try and control your very actions. This is good re the CAB and helplines but I would call Womens Aid and the Rights of Women organisations as well. They are very well versed, particularly WA, in the ways of abusive men who control.

Jesus.

Please read your OP back to yourself as if it was a friend or acquaintance.

You are a grown woman. You don't need a man to tell you what you can and can't do.

How dare he control your money?! How dare he control you?! How dare he belittle you and make you doubt your competence?

I bet he bookends all this controlling bollocks with crap about how much he loves you and how he's just looking out for you. He doesn't and he isn't. Please go to your nearest domestic abuse centre and get some advice. And then go and see a solicitor about a divorce.

Thanks Deathray, My current account and credit card are both paperless. The statements were being emailed to him so I have changed that.

It's an idea to keep the cards out of the house though. It feels weird to think he would take them but I am being to realise I can't trust him. Maybe I'll think again about cancelling the cards.

Thanks Fizzy, that's what I was thinking but then wasn't sure if I was being paranoid. I think I need to be more on guard at the moment whilst he's acting nice than before.

Glad to hear that you are ok, op.

I am in a not disimilar situation and I started to save money a while ago. It is a slow process but no harm in making a start!

Keep going, keep thinking and planning - you will get there.

Thanks Attila and User. I need to hear that. It all seems harder today now he is being nice and I have been doubting myself but yes you're right, if this was happening to a friend I would be horrified.

Sorry to hear that you are going through something similar Naiceham but glad that you are making progress, hoping you get freedom soon!

.

My x was financially abusive and you've had good advice here. I just want to tell you a few things I wish I'd done. When I did the shop in sainsbury's or tescos I should have got a tesco card and got it topped up by a fiver a week so that I had some money for when I left.

In some ways I had the ''freedom'' to buy things so long as they were approved if you see what I mean.. M&S Tesco, sainsbury's didn't catch his eye on the statements but anything else I was interrogated, so I could have bought vouchers in these places to have for later.

I was in a worse situation because i didn't work and when he suspected I was going to leave him he started to put extra things on to my credit card. Parking permits and all sorts. He'd ask me to go and buy things and put them on my credit card so I had debts (his) when I left him.

I got away but I got away with nothing and with a debt. 8 years and I left with a rucksack and debts.

I agree with the posters who say that he's nice when you're behaving it is meaningless. My x was nice to me until I challenged him. Everything about our lives was structure for his convenience, in his favour, to meet his needs, to protect him and his assets and he was fake-nice unless I tried to challenge that status quo. n (mostly, but not always, sometimes he was horrible for no reason)

Well done op, l was shocked at your post, yes, he has been slowly isolating you and controlling you...thank goodness you have noticed and taken action.

Please as others here have said stop doubting yourself, you are more than capable of taking back responsibility. Good luck and do not waver.

He is being "nice" for a reason, don't let your guard down for a minute. You need to be more careful now than before because he knows that you are on to him.

I know you have had lots of advice but I just want to reiterate that the things he has been doing with your finances are outrageous, completely outrageous. Don't ever let him get control over you like that again.

if you decide to accept the debt on the credit card, I would look at whether you can transfer it to cheaper or 0% interest card (if they still exist).

creditcards.moneysavingexpert.com/?balance-transfer&_ga=2.27814332.1229432190.1496509387-1063510276.1495354639