Financial control - my heads in a mess

[HardestButtonToButton]

I'm hoping that by writing this down, I can sort my head out a bit as I feel like I am going mad.

DH took control of some of our finances several years ago after I had DS. Since then, he has slowly taken control over all of our joint finances and has access to my bank account and credit card (which he took out in my name without my permission) He had always said that he does this as he is better able to manage our money. Although generally things have been ticking along ok, I resent the control he has over our income. I never know what money will be available to me and often have to ask for money. Attempts in the past to talk to him or sort this out have led to huge rows and I am starting to realise that I have been burying my head in the sand and going along with it to avoid confrontation.

This has been going on for several years but what has made me start questioning things is that I recently attended a work event, DH was not happy about me going and threatened to restrict my income so that I wouldn't be able to go. He didn't follow through the threat and I did go to the event but couldn't stop thinking about the threat and this has really made me question things. The more I think about things the worse they seem. I don't know exactly how much he earns and requests to see his bank statements have always been refused or there is some excuse for not showing me them. In the past, he has had debt problems which he wasn't honest about until I found out by accident and he had no choice but to tell me.

I tried to speak to him about this yesterday and he accused me of being ungrateful. He told me that I am not capable of managing my own money and also accused me of creating problems that don't exist. He told me that he pity's me.

My head is such a mess today. I feel panicky and anxious and feel very stupid. I am angry with myself that I have let this happen. I don't know what to think - I don't think things can go on like this, I don't know if I should consider leaving, if I even could leave, or if things aren't as bad as that like he says and maybe I am being ungrateful.

Sorry this is so long! Any advice would be gratefully received.

What he is doing is a crime. It's financial abuse. Keep that in mind.

Can't you just change your on line banking password instead of setting up new accounts?

Don't be hard on yourself OP - you trusted him, that's not a fault if you're with a normal person. I was in a similar position a year ago - I started to believe my then H that I couldn't manage my finances. Now I'm out of it I can see that he deliberately made it confusing and difficult to understand, in order to get control.

You're a capable, intelligent woman - don't believe anything else

In the past, he has had debt problems which he wasn't honest about

-you, meanwhile, have never had any problems with debt or managing your money and have done so without issue in the past.

So to start from the beginning, it's your DH who actually is more likely to be the financial weak link. And he's also fraudulently obtained a credit card in your name which now has £2k MORE debt on it.

This even before you consider the wholesale financial abuse he's subjecting you to.

I don't know what the legal position here would be, but seems to me that I would sit down and think about what I wanted out of this situation before I tackle this credit card issue, to start with.

He sounds like an abusive arsehole. Men are rarely abusive in one way only - what is he like in general? You have already described verbal abuse and bullying connected to the financial abuse. You have a child. Do you see yourself staying with him? Think carefully. Because if you don't, I'm not so sure I'd be eager to take on that fraudulent £2k debt in my name after all - I think I'd be more up for reporting it to the bank and dobbing him in. Maybe that's neither possible or advisable financially speaking as your finances are intertwined with his! But think - you talk now about saving more cash, doing overtime etc. - maybe take advice on the card before you take control of it? You can guarantee that if you refuse him the details, he'll simply stop paying it off. You'll have control of the card but he'll punish you by financially battering you, surely? That will affect your savings and credit rating potentially, at a point when you might need them!

So I would say have a think first through all of it. You're actually in a fairly strong position - you are only renting, you have a job albeit part-time... you could spend the next six weeks or so carefully preparing the ground with lots of overtime primed to go into your new bank account, change everything over and leave. You might well not want to do that at all, of course. But maybe have a think about the credit card in more detail.

Can't you just change your on line banking password instead of setting up new accounts?

I'd be concerned that he may just reset everything, locking the op out completely as he already knows bank numbers, current password etc. I'd start from scratch down to linking it to a brand new email address too.

If you have an iPhone you can link bank accounts to thumb prints and keep paperwork out of the house.

Many thanks again for the replies.

FizzyGreenWater That's a very good point. I do need to think carefully.

I don't know right now if I want to stay with him. I can't see things being ok between us even if I do regain independence over my finances. I can't see him letting me keep hold of that control. I've been thinking that if I set all this in motion then things will implode anyway and at that point the relationship will end. I do obviously need to make plans for that.

I do think I would be better starting from scratch with the cards as he has all the card details. I think he has an app on his phone with which he can access my account. I have asked him about this in the past but have got nowhere.

I am wondering if I speak to the bank whether they would be able to advise and maybe look to change the account details similar to if the card details had been stolen?

I probably sound very naive. I still feel very stupid about all of this. Thanks so much for your replies though, it's really helping.

I am wondering if I speak to the bank whether they would be able to advise and maybe look to change the account details similar to if the card details had been stolen?

Definately do this. Tell them you think someone has access to your account and can they set up a new one for you.

Your husband doesn't have the right to "let" you do or not do anything. He is 100% wrong and you have every right to know about your finances. Be prepared for a shit storm of epic proportions. Men like this don't like to be challenged or to have their precious "power" taken away. You have got to stay strong and don't back down an inch! I suspect you are starting to see the true man your husband is.

Well you could just close down your old current account when you open a new one. Doesn't have to be a reason, it's just housekeeping. You don't have to explain.

So you open a new one, transfer over the cash from the old one and close the old one. Done and dusted.

You generally have to do it in branch though cos they need your signature.

Then his app would be connected to sweet fuck all.

Make sure and request paperless statements to an email address (make sure you change the password in case he's scoping out your emails) cos the minute he sees a statement plopping on the market he'll pounce on it.

*mat

Suggestions
New email address for online statements to be sent to
New bank account - you don't have to change bank if you don't want to. They can still issue a new sort code and account number. Can be opened online, I did this with Santander.
Credit card account can be closed when there is a balance. You don't have to 'keep' the card.
Decide how much you knew about the card before he started using it? Is it a fraudulent application and do you think you should be held responsible for the balance? Has it ever been used by you?
What DDs are going out of your account now? Will changing your salary payment leave you with default notices that will harm your credit rating? Should you use a switching service that will move your balance and DDs as well?
Can your relationship survive you standing up to him? Do you want it to?

Best of luck OP

You can do this, OP. He's a bully and you will get all the help you need to fix things.

When XH left and emptyed the account I was advised to cancel cards (report lost/ stolen) and this would freeze account until new were issued, which only I then had access too.

I know it's very difficult to change the way a relationship works, especially the balance of power in that relationship. Be aware, though, that you are totally in the right here, and he is totally in the wrong. Stay strong everyone on here is behind you.

Problem is, if you give I'm ANY indication that you're even considering leaving, he will take every penny away from you. Please put some money aside, pack you and kids bags when he's out, and get out of there! Or call Women's Aid

OP you need to leave NOW! He more than likely will become violent at the mere suggestion that you could regain control of your finances. You need to get you and your children OUT of there

Thanks again everyone

That's a helpful list Mehfruittea I have set up a new email address.

I am worried about that Justdontgetit. I will phone Women's aid from work tomorrow.

Is there any chance that he has a keylogger/spyware on your computer? If there is, then you need to use something else to access bank details etc.

Do you know how much he earns in comparison?

Hardest I've been there, I know every single avenue open to you if you'd like to PM me? I can potentially help with advice x

How are you OP? Just wanted to check in and let you know I'm thinking of you.

Be careful about just opening a new account. I have several accounts with each of three banks and each new account I open with any given bank appears on my online banking and on the app for that bank. You MUST speak to the bank to close the online account/app before opening the new account or open the new account with another bank entirely. Otherwise he will carry on having access to the new account.

Thanks again for all the advice. I have been quite busy.

I've reset the online banking details and downloaded an app using the new details. He's phoned me this morning to tell me he is locked out of the app. I have changed the lock code for my phone, set up a new email account and I have set up fingerprint recognition too.

I've also changed the online banking details for the credit card which was easy to reset. It was all linked to his phone and email. There's been lots of money moving in an out of both accounts, I'll need to sit down and go through it all to try and make sense of it.

I have also set up a credit union account to transfer escape money directly from my wages.

He is not happy and spitting all sorts of insults but I'm not backing down on this. I suspect he may kick up and refuse to pay the debt on the credit card but I feel in a stronger position already. He will have to back down to ask me for money towards the rent as although he has been transferring money from my account, it looks like it must come out of his bank account.

I am so grateful for the advice I've received here. Still feel stupid and wondering why I haven't done this sooner!

Well done, OP, you rock!

It's such a basic injustice for you not to have had access to your own bank accounts. And for him to have had access to yours when you didn't have access to his -- double standard much?

Stand your ground, you are his financial equal.