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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I swear i can't breathe!!!

57 replies

LauNinethree · 28/05/2017 22:22

Ok, i am not entirely sure what i am looking for or hoping to achieve from posting. I think i just need a safe place to vent everything!
Ive been with my OH for 6 years now, we have a gorgeous little 8 month old girl together.
Lately, i can't stand being touched by my partner in an affectionate way or any other way for that matter. I have never really been a "cuddly" person, well, nothing like my OH. I feel awful because i know how lucky i am but lately he is driving me mad. He constantly and i genuinely mean constantly at least 10 times a day, causes a problem because i haven't stopped and cuddled him or kissed him but i just dont want to. As i said, its just not the way i am and i admit i used to be much more reasonable and i did it plenty because i understood it was one of his needs. Now we have a daughter (who i do literally everything for) i admit, when we pass one another in the house i dont automatically think to hug him like he thinks i should. Usually though if I'm not doing housework or playing with our daughter I'm doing something for her like changing her, feeding her etc. I don't know if it's because he has pushed it so much I've started to resent the idea of doing it, whether it's because he doesn't undetstand just how little time i have between running the house (doing everything for him) and looking after out daughter to always think about it or whether i no longer want to do it because my feelings towards him have changed? Since our daughter arrived he is always telling me how i only have time for her and dont care about him anymore which i find very hurtful i suppose. I'm scared that I'm no longer IN love with him, i mean i will always love him but how can i be sure? Maybe it's just me being selfish and only focusing on our daughter or maybe he is being a bit clingy because he is jealous of the affection i give her. I genuinely feel smothered atm but when i tell him that all hell breaks loose... But i cannot sit and listen to him say it all over again!

OP posts:
Blisss · 28/05/2017 22:34

I sympathise with you but I'm the opposite to the relationship to the point where I want more attention.
Basically I understand that I'm not going to get hugged or kissed whenever he walks past me because I think that's a bit too much and understandably anyone would think that. But a cuddle in the evening in front of a film or a snuggle in bed (not all night though-too hot for that) and a kiss before he leaves the house, that's all I want and I'll be happy.
But your OH seems to want a bit more and as a mother too I understand it's hard looking after a mini version of yourself all day.
I think it's quite common that time end up feeling left out once a baby comes along because they are literally second best forever to you now.

Would he be offended if you spoke to him about it? Let him know that he is being a bit much.
As for the love, I think couples need to try and make time for each other especially after they have had a baby, get a sitter once a month and go out and spend time together 1 on 1 child free.
Personally I think that's what went wrong for me but you have the opportunity to fix it 😊

Blisss · 28/05/2017 22:35

Was meant to say men feeling left out not time

Nocabbageinmyeye · 28/05/2017 22:36

That sounds really suffocating. Have i got this right? When you pass each other randomly in the house he expects hugs? He sounds very needy which I would find very off putting too.

So you have you explained to him that it's suffocating and needy? But all hell breaks loose? Honestly that isn't right at all, I have no words of advice really, sorry, but he is definitely the one with the issues here not you. And I can only see it getting worse. Does he have a temper? Just he seems to cause a lot if fights, like it's one extreme or the other, either affectionate to the extreme or arguing with you because you are not

pasbeaucoupdegendarme · 28/05/2017 22:43

I really sympathise. When you have a small child you just get "touched out", in my experience. I would literally shudder when my dh touched me for a while - I couldn't be doing with anything sexual at all but the longer I felt like that the more I wanted no physical contact at all because I was scared he'd take that as a green light!

I would really advise you to talk to your oh seriously about it, hopefully at some time when it's not immediately after he's blown up about it. I didn't talk to my dh and it just became this mahoosive elephant in the room.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 28/05/2017 22:50

You aren't deliberately pushing him away but dm mode is exhausting. . Please remember to zone back to dw mode too. . Your dd will benefit from you having a great relationship with her df!! If he isn't doing his share of dd care he will feel left out of df /dd relationship and you will rightly feel pangs of resentment. More communication time and more dh /dw time - I don't mean sex just massage /fun times together!!

Heathen4Hire · 28/05/2017 22:51

My relationship with DCs dad suffered horrendously after the birth because all my priorities were the baby, and he didn't get that. He thought our relationship would be exactly the same as before, but it could never be. There were a lot of rows about how I was ignoring his needs and he wished we never had the baby. I think we both loved the baby, but couldn't figure out "us" anymore.

Once the baby started sleeping through, and we learned to ask for help, our relationship changed to accommodate the child, but not ignore the fact we were a couple. I totally get what you are talking about.

If at all possible, find a babysitter andset aside some time per week or month for just the two of you. Use the time to reconnect. Still, now my DC is nearly eleven, DH and I go away for two or three nights a year just for us, not worrying about what our child wants to do, eat or if she's tired. Even a couple of hours down the pub together helps us.

Heathen4Hire · 28/05/2017 22:51

My relationship with DCs dad suffered horrendously after the birth because all my priorities were the baby, and he didn't get that. He thought our relationship would be exactly the same as before, but it could never be. There were a lot of rows about how I was ignoring his needs and he wished we never had the baby. I think we both loved the baby, but couldn't figure out "us" anymore.

Once the baby started sleeping through, and we learned to ask for help, our relationship changed to accommodate the child, but not ignore the fact we were a couple. I totally get what you are talking about.

If at all possible, find a babysitter andset aside some time per week or month for just the two of you. Use the time to reconnect. Still, now my DC is nearly eleven, DH and I go away for two or three nights a year just for us, not worrying about what our child wants to do, eat or if she's tired. Even a couple of hours down the pub together helps us.

josuk · 28/05/2017 23:34

It's tough. And it's very very common.
On one side - we women - get so much love/affection/caring needs to and from - fulfilled once babies arrive. And the need to receive it from another adult - temporarily diminishes. Maybe it's nature's way to make us care for the baby? 🤷🏻‍♀️

But, at the same time, i have heard it from so many men, how lonely they feel, lost almost - when attention switches to the new arrival.
It's easy to dismiss it as them being childish and selfish and all that, but doesn't change it.

People say having kids forever changes the couple's dynamic. And it does.
I am don't have any advice. Each couple deals with it in their own way. Each finds some sort of new balance.

What also was striking in your message for me is that you seem to be doing everything for the baby, the house and the H... Why is that? Can H not be more helpful and offload some of you?
Being constantly tired is not that conducive to being affectionate.

Maybe your feelings have changed, indeed. Or, maybe, you still have hormones in your system (it takes about a year after pregnancy to get them re-balanced back to normal), and in addition, you are definitely very very tired as any mother of an 8mo would be...

MissBax · 28/05/2017 23:41

I feel mixed on this. I understand and sympathise with what it's like to be so busy and already needed by your DD all day. But at the same time, is it really that time consuming to stop and give him a hug and kiss? My OH and I are very cuddly with each other and that hasn't diminished in our relationship over the years.
You said that even before DD you only did it for him mainly - are you sure you're physically and emotionally compatible?

Original poster
LauNinethree · 29/05/2017 06:49

Hi everyone, thank you for all being so lovely. Was prepared to hear how much of a nasty person i am so it is nice to know people understand.

I have spoken to him endless amount of times explaining that i dont mean to be so unaffectionate but as it isn't in my nature it's something i don't always think to do straight away like he wants me to.

I do agree with a couple of posts about simply making the time to cuddle him if we pass one another every now and again itd just he wants it regardless of whatever i am doing and how full my hands are then says I'm not making the effort. Which is simply not the case im just holding a million things trying to tidy up.

Lately he has stopped coming to bed as he falls asleep on the xbox downstairs which has caused endless arguments and i feel thats wherebour affection has gone. We spend no time cuddling in bed and as I've saif to him, it's like having a roommate rather than a fiance.
Maybe this is why I'm failing on the affection front?
Thank you all again i feel loads better knowing some of all of this is normal. Very much appreciated.

OP posts:
Naicehamshop · 29/05/2017 06:50

I think he sounds like an immature, needy, controlling man-child!!
If you are doing everything for your baby, of course you are going to be too tired to deal with his suffocating neediness.

I would try sitting down and really calmly explaining how you feel, and why you need him to step up a bit here. If "all hell breaks loose" again then you really do have a big problem here. Flowers

Naicehamshop · 29/05/2017 06:53

Cross post. He massively needs to grow up and try to see your point of view. You seem to be bending over backwards apologising and trying to see his things from his side, but he doesn't seem to be doing the same for you. Sad

disastrouslee · 29/05/2017 06:55

Why do you do "literally everything" for your DD? Does he never feed her, change her, bathe her, put her to bed?

Being a 100% sole carer for a young baby is one of the most utterly exhausting (and, frankly, boring) jobs in the world. And did I read that you do 100% housework too?

Perhaps you might feel a bit more inclined to be affectionate towards him if you weren't his unpaid nursemaid / housekeeper.

Intransige · 29/05/2017 06:58

If he has time to play on the Xbox before bed I would suggest he has time to do some of the housework.

All relationships involve compromise, he wants cuddles and you want the same bedtime - neither of you will get what you want all the time but neither request sounds intrinsically unreasonable.

But in the first year or two of a baby's life, it really is (or should be) mostly about the baby for both of you. Child rearing is so intense at that age and it doesn't seem like he gets that.

He needs to get involved with looking after the baby, I think it will help him to understand how much work and emotional effort is involved. Are you able to leave your daughter with him for a while and go out, so he can start to be part of the parenting?

mummytime · 29/05/2017 07:05

I think people have been mean to you OP.

I don't think I'd want to touch or be touched by someone who kept demanding touch and made me feel guilty when I didn't.

I think you need to get him to lay off the demands for a bit. He also needs to be more involved in caring for your child. If he gives you time and space for yourself. Then maybe you need to build some "couple time" into your life. If only snuggling up on the sofa to watch TV, and a quick peck goodbye in the morning, and then work from there.

But the key thing is he has to be less selfish.

Naicehamshop · 29/05/2017 07:08

Exactly, mummy.

Whatalready · 29/05/2017 07:20

Easily fixed. Just hug him. Snuggle up in bed. Obviously can't hug him all day long but how lovely to be wanted. Don't let your relationship go downhill for the sake of this. He doesn't sound needy. You could do it easily.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 29/05/2017 07:22

TBH, if you're doing everything for the baby AND still doing all the housework and all the tidying up for the manchild in your life, then I wouldn't want to be hugging him all the time either! I'd be more likely to suggest he pulls his fucking finger out and HELPS you with the chores, and then you might feel a bit more like sharing adult time with him, when he behaves like an actual fucking adult.

AlternativeTentacle · 29/05/2017 07:22

Sounds like he doesn't have enough to do round the house. With a new baby, you doing it all and him spending time on xbox, doesn't sound right to me.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 29/05/2017 07:24

Load of 50s claptrap coming out of some posters here though! "You could do it easily" - well no, the OP clearly can't or she wouldn't be posting about it on here. FFS.

AlternativeTentacle · 29/05/2017 07:24

Easily fixed. Just hug him. Snuggle up in bed. Obviously can't hug him all day long but how lovely to be wanted. Don't let your relationship go downhill for the sake of this. He doesn't sound needy. You could do it easily.

Say what? Yes OP, just add it into the list of chores you have, it's not like you are a human in your own right is it?

DameDeDoubtance · 29/05/2017 07:29

Does he help round the house or is it all down to you? What happens when you challenge his behaviour?

This would drive me mad, it's needy, controlling and bloody irritating.

Naicehamshop · 29/05/2017 07:29

"He doesn't sound needy"??!!

Have you actually read the op, Whatalready? The bit where it says"all hell breaks loose" if he doesn't get what he wants while the op is doing everything for their baby with no help...?

No, not needy at all, and very reasonable... Hmm

DameDeDoubtance · 29/05/2017 07:30

by the way I can't believe anyone can read this and think the answer is to give into his needs.

Sickofthisalready · 29/05/2017 07:53

My partner of 10 years has recently left me for exactly this reason (well that's the reason he gave).

I felt exactly the same as you. I had an unwell and very needy baby, who at 3.5 still doesnt sleep through the night.

I think I resented that his life hadnt really changed whilst mine had been turned upside down , and he resented me for putting DS first and never wanting to do anything just the two of us, and never showing him any affection.

It spiralled from there really. He started going out more and more, them staying out all night, lying, secret debt. Naively I didnt ever think he would leave but he did.

I feel like by putting DS first then, ive f*cked his life up now by forcing his dad to leave him. I kick myself on a daily basis that I could have prevented this, and its very hard living with so much regret.

While you have the chance to make things right (however that is) take it. Xxx

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