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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I swear i can't breathe!!!

57 replies

LauNinethree · 28/05/2017 22:22

Ok, i am not entirely sure what i am looking for or hoping to achieve from posting. I think i just need a safe place to vent everything!
Ive been with my OH for 6 years now, we have a gorgeous little 8 month old girl together.
Lately, i can't stand being touched by my partner in an affectionate way or any other way for that matter. I have never really been a "cuddly" person, well, nothing like my OH. I feel awful because i know how lucky i am but lately he is driving me mad. He constantly and i genuinely mean constantly at least 10 times a day, causes a problem because i haven't stopped and cuddled him or kissed him but i just dont want to. As i said, its just not the way i am and i admit i used to be much more reasonable and i did it plenty because i understood it was one of his needs. Now we have a daughter (who i do literally everything for) i admit, when we pass one another in the house i dont automatically think to hug him like he thinks i should. Usually though if I'm not doing housework or playing with our daughter I'm doing something for her like changing her, feeding her etc. I don't know if it's because he has pushed it so much I've started to resent the idea of doing it, whether it's because he doesn't undetstand just how little time i have between running the house (doing everything for him) and looking after out daughter to always think about it or whether i no longer want to do it because my feelings towards him have changed? Since our daughter arrived he is always telling me how i only have time for her and dont care about him anymore which i find very hurtful i suppose. I'm scared that I'm no longer IN love with him, i mean i will always love him but how can i be sure? Maybe it's just me being selfish and only focusing on our daughter or maybe he is being a bit clingy because he is jealous of the affection i give her. I genuinely feel smothered atm but when i tell him that all hell breaks loose... But i cannot sit and listen to him say it all over again!

OP posts:
Naicehamshop · 29/05/2017 08:06

You didn't force your son's father to leave him, sick! Your dp CHOSE to do this. Totally feel for you, but don't blame yourself for his lack of maturity and commitment to you and your child. Flowers

twattymctwatterson · 29/05/2017 08:12

He sounds awful. You do everything for him, everything for his daughter, he sits on the Xbox late into the night, he's jealous of a two year old and throws a strop if he doesn't get constant affection. Can you tell me what he's bringing to the relationship? Are you ok with being the one who does everything? In what way are your needs being met?

user1486956786 · 29/05/2017 08:14

As someone else has said you BOTH have opportunity to fix this. It doesn't sound as though it will end well if it continues like this long term. Sounds as though you've both dropped your guards a bit with regards to making effort for one another (understandable and acceptable with a baby) but I honestly think you just need to make first move towards making more effort. Someone needs to just do it. Cuddling in corridor is a bit OTT but maybe start ensuring you kiss and cuddle before bed / he leaves for work / when someone comes home?

Marmalade85 · 29/05/2017 08:18

He is jealous of the baby and you resent having to do absolutely everything for both your baby and him. No wonder you're not interested in showering affection on him.

Mermaidinthesea123 · 29/05/2017 08:21

We had no kids together but my ex husband was always incredibly needy and it irritated the hell out of me. I grew up to have to be completely self reliant, I don't need comforting like a child every 5 minutes.
You naturally are concentrating on keeping your new baby safe and cared for and he is competing with this for your attention.
I have no idea why men do this it's incredibly irritating.

Branleuse · 29/05/2017 08:25

you say you dont even know if youre in love with him anymore and that youre rarely affectionate with him anymore. He knows this and is trying to cling on harder. I dont think hes a needy man child. I think hes terrified that his wife doesn't love him anymore

TheNaze73 · 29/05/2017 08:26

Seems like you are both completely out of synch, with what each other wants. Less he supports you, the more he backs off, less physical attention he gets, he backs off. You don't sound compatible

Naicehamshop · 29/05/2017 08:44

Why doesn't he step up like an adult then, Branleuse and start doing a bit more for his child rather than making scenes and playing on his Xbox for hours like a teenager?

If he grew up a bit and helped he would be much more likely to get affection - for a start, the op wouldn't be so tired!

fluffoff · 29/05/2017 08:49

Does anyone else's husband wake you up early after a terrible night sleep trying to hug and kiss you when you're completely knackered?? I think it's so selfish!!! Bank hol mon at 7:30am I'm woken when I have terrible hayfever and can't breathe or sleep, he wakes me nudging me kissing me and telling me he wants a hug! Is this normal???

fluffoff · 29/05/2017 08:50

Ignore this I'm new to this and have posted as a reply as opposed to a new thread sorry xx

Whatalready · 29/05/2017 09:02

The sooner the better he stops wanting to hug and kiss then if that's what you want.

Original poster
LauNinethree · 29/05/2017 11:41

Again, thank you all! I will point out that he does go to work Monday-Friday so i don't really expect him to do much in terms of the household really, part and parcel of maternity leave. I do all cleaning, cooking, laundry and tidying up but he does sterilise her bottles in a morning for me which i really appreciate (loathe that job 😂) but i do wish he did more for our daughter.
She is very clingy to me and was difficult taking her bottles off him when she was younger, but then he saw that as an excuse or reason to stop trying. He doesnt feed her solids or bottles, he may change 1 nappy a day and he doesn't put her to bed, i do. I have pointed out that his day ends at 7.30pm when i out her to bed but nine doesnt because if she does wake up i deal with her so sometimes i am tired.
I do think it wouldn't hurt me to try and hug him if it is obviously what he feels he needs, i just need him to understand i can't just drop everything to do it. It just doesn't work like that now we're adults with responsibilities.
I have also admitted to him that since LO has arrived, my focus id primarily on her but i do feel that most if not all mothers are like this while their children are still so dependant on them?

Again, i appreciate everybody's opinions and it has helped me realise that a little compromising on both sides is desperately needed x

OP posts:
silkpyjamasallday · 29/05/2017 12:00

I actually don't think a compromise is needed at all OP, it is your DP who needs to make changes if he wants 'affection'. He cannot leave all of the child rearing and household chores to you, meaning you are utterly exhausted physically and emotionally, then badger you for cuddles and kisses. I wouldn't want to be affectionate with someone who treated me like a slave and never allowed me any time for myself and expected me to cater to their every need/want. The way he is treating you is not how you treat someone you love, him starting fights then sulking and refusing to come to bed is borderline abusive. You say you are on Maternity leave, you need to tackle his attitude now or you will be going back to work and still doing 100% of housework and childcare.

Naicehamshop · 29/05/2017 12:17

What pyjamas said.

mummytime · 29/05/2017 15:27

Maternity leave is for you to bond and care for your child, not a reason for your partner to give up all housework and other household tasks. You also need to point out to him firmly that if he doesn't step up now then when she is older she won't be bothered with him.

ponyprincess · 29/05/2017 17:39

Ugh you have one baby already you don't need another!! This won't get better - he needs to be a proper Dad and not just another child

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 30/05/2017 02:54

Also agree with silkpyjamas - this is less about YOU compromising, and more about HIM growing up and realising he needs to put more into this relationship, and stop taking so much out. It's not "all about him" any more - the baby must come first, and he needs to be part of that, not standing on the sidelines, sulking.

TheSparrowhawk · 30/05/2017 06:45

What the actual fuck?? I am really surprised at the horrendous responses you've had OP. I can't believe that when you're doing 100% of baby care and housework people are telling you that you must to hug a needy manchild who demands affection but who stays up half the night playing Xbox and doesn't care for his daughter or do any housework!

OP tell him to stop being an enormous baby and start pulling his weight. You don't need this shit.

43percentburnt · 30/05/2017 06:55

He works mon - fri so gets to do no housework, child raising etc. How on earth would he manage if he was single? He'd have to do housework and cooking, shopping etc.

I work 5 days a week, dh is a sahd. Of course I do stuff round the house (and still breastfeed several times a night). Lazymanitus is your problem.

Xbox, fucking hell, if he spent 50% less time on the Xbox and did housework, batch cooking instead, it would make your lives better. But hey to him it's only his needs that are important. His cuddles, his rest post work, his Xbox time.

Maternity leave is for baby not cleaning.

spangleknickers · 30/05/2017 07:08

I have a suffocating hugger too. He tries to hug and grope me whilst I am emptying the dishwasher, have armfuls of laundry, am tidying up lego etc. I am quite aloof, having grown up quite independent not desperate for affection so initially I also forced myself to reciprocate. There is no way on earth I would advise anyone to give in and compromise to him. The resentment I feel is ruining my life. I too have done all the housework, childcare etc. I think you need to have a bit of a chat about this before you are like me, several years down the line. If he throws a tantrum, then there isa BIG problem with HIM being unreasonable (which I suspect anyway). Sterilising bottles and changing the odd nappy is not really mucking in. My P did that and has converted that to being the primary caregiver (in his mind) because he was not working at the time! Feel for you, OP

mrholmes · 30/05/2017 08:55

All I can say is that would drive me mad and I would start to feel anxious every time I passed my partner. Was he like this before the baby?

There might be a lot more going on but he sounds needy, clingy and insecure. Maybe he was always like me this but you're just noticing it now. Doesn't a grown man realise that when a baby comes along things will change. Sounds like he can't handle being the only baby around.

If he wants some affection then tell him to come to bed for a cuddle and not play the bloody XBox

mrholmes · 30/05/2017 09:01

Also tell him to help out more. Maybe it's hard in the week for him but weekend he can help out more.

I think people always fail to have that chat and that chat is 'who does what and when' if that is made clear every one knows where they are and things can run like clockwork and be more organised. Really pisses me off sometimes to hear after people have a baby that the man carries on as if nothing has changed.

TheSparrowhawk · 30/05/2017 09:42

'Also tell him to help out more. Maybe it's hard in the week for him but weekend he can help out more.'

No, he does not need to 'help out' more. He needs to step up and be a parent to his own child and look after his own house like an adult. He's not a child 'helping out' he's a partner who should be doing his fair share.

Tiredofstruggling1 · 30/05/2017 11:49

Throw him out until he mans up.

mrholmes · 02/06/2017 02:14

TheSparrowHaek** Okay do his fair share. Of course. I do my fair share so don't take it out on me!