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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I swear i can't breathe!!!

57 replies

LauNinethree · 28/05/2017 22:22

Ok, i am not entirely sure what i am looking for or hoping to achieve from posting. I think i just need a safe place to vent everything!
Ive been with my OH for 6 years now, we have a gorgeous little 8 month old girl together.
Lately, i can't stand being touched by my partner in an affectionate way or any other way for that matter. I have never really been a "cuddly" person, well, nothing like my OH. I feel awful because i know how lucky i am but lately he is driving me mad. He constantly and i genuinely mean constantly at least 10 times a day, causes a problem because i haven't stopped and cuddled him or kissed him but i just dont want to. As i said, its just not the way i am and i admit i used to be much more reasonable and i did it plenty because i understood it was one of his needs. Now we have a daughter (who i do literally everything for) i admit, when we pass one another in the house i dont automatically think to hug him like he thinks i should. Usually though if I'm not doing housework or playing with our daughter I'm doing something for her like changing her, feeding her etc. I don't know if it's because he has pushed it so much I've started to resent the idea of doing it, whether it's because he doesn't undetstand just how little time i have between running the house (doing everything for him) and looking after out daughter to always think about it or whether i no longer want to do it because my feelings towards him have changed? Since our daughter arrived he is always telling me how i only have time for her and dont care about him anymore which i find very hurtful i suppose. I'm scared that I'm no longer IN love with him, i mean i will always love him but how can i be sure? Maybe it's just me being selfish and only focusing on our daughter or maybe he is being a bit clingy because he is jealous of the affection i give her. I genuinely feel smothered atm but when i tell him that all hell breaks loose... But i cannot sit and listen to him say it all over again!

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/06/2017 03:15

This seems apposite - it appeared on my Facebook newsfeed a few days ago:
Tee Edwards

"I do not help my wife.

A friend came to my house for coffee, we sat and talked about life. At some point in the conversation, I said, "I'm going to wash the dishes and I'll be right back."

He looked at me as if I had told him I was going to build a space rocket. Then he said to me with admiration but a little perplexed: "I'm glad you help your wife, I do not help because when I do, my wife does not praise me. Last week I washed the floor and no thanks."

I went back to sit with him and explained that I did not "help" my wife. Actually, my wife does not need help, she needs a partner. I am a partner at home and through that society are divided functions, but it is not a "help" to do household chores.

I do not help my wife clean the house because I live here too and I need to clean it too.

I do not help my wife to cook because I also want to eat and I need to cook too.

I do not help my wife wash the dishes after eating because I also use those dishes.

I do not help my wife with her children because they are also my children and my job is to be a father.

I do not help my wife to wash, spread or fold clothes, because the clothes are also mine and my children.

I am not a help at home, I am part of the house. And as for praising, I asked my friend when it was the last time after his wife finished cleaning the house, washing clothes, changing bed sheets, bathing her children, cooking, organizing, etc. You said thank you

But a thank you of the type: Wow, sweetheart !!! You are fantastic!!!

Does that seem absurd to you? Are you looking strange? When you, once in a lifetime, cleaned the floor, you expected in the least, a prize of excellence with great glory ... why? You never thought about that, my friend?

Maybe because for you, the macho culture has shown that everything is her job.

Perhaps you have been taught that all this must be done without having to move a finger? Then praise her as you wanted to be praised, in the same way, with the same intensity. Give her a hand, behave like a true companion, not as a guest who only comes to eat, sleep, bathe and satisfy needs ... Feel at home. In his house.

The real change of our society begins in our homes, let us teach our sons and daughters the real sense of fellowship! "

I like him. He seems like a top bloke.

LauNinethree · 09/06/2017 07:51

Hi everyone, sorry i haven't been replying but again thanks for all tge advice.
On Friday night i was bathing our daughter (as always) while he showered and changed. Once he was done i asked if he could watch her so i could call a friend back who had already tried calling.
I was on the phone 15 minutes and 22 seconds. As i was on the phone little jobs we ysually get done at this point hadn't been done. This is when we started arguing and ge told me it was "inappropriate" of me to make that call when i should be doing other stuff. I saw red!!!
I gave no adult communication all week, literally none, i make ONE 15 minute call and he has the nerve to say "i thought you would just want to spend all the time you could with our daughter" as I'd previously said i missed her because his parents gad been round so i felt like i hadn't seen her.
The next day we argued and we broke up. He got so nasty when it came to discussing our daughter. He was shouting so loudly around her do i was asking him to stop, he told me i was thick when it came to relationships, told me he would take me to court for our daughter as he can "provide for her better" as he earns a little nore than me.
After a while he calmed down and we kinda sorted things, but now i am petrified of actually ever breaking up with him in case he is right about getting our daughter. She is my absolute world, i am with ger for every waking minute and i fo everything for her. What are the chances of him getting custody? Not sure i want to be here anymore but I'm too scared to end it in case ge takes my daughter.

Thanks everyone! X

OP posts:
Tiredofstruggling1 · 05/08/2017 21:23

Tee Lewis sounds wonderful. Men that threaten to take the children are evil to the core.

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 05/08/2017 21:33

I have similar issues OP.

DH regularly wants to be hugged / kissed / me to sit on his lap and as We gave a 4 year old and a 1 year old (who still breastfeeds) I don't want any of that. Or at least, not without me initiating it.

I have other issues too but it makes me very nervous and panicked and I just begin to want to avoid all but basic talking.

Wow that sounds quite bad.

GlitterSparkles17 · 05/08/2017 21:36

I realise this was a few months ago but seriously he would not get custody. Your not an abusive mother and any court would see that. He's threatening you to make you scared to leave him. He sounds absolutely awful,a terrible selfish partner and a shitty lazy father. Hope things have got better since June, although I highly doubt it.

By the way maternity leave is for you to bond and take care of your new baby not become the house keeper. It's still half his house and he should be taking care of it.

gamerchick · 05/08/2017 21:42

They always threaten to take the kids.... always!

It's just another way of making you tow the line.

Coconutcoconut · 05/08/2017 22:13

He sounds like a cunt

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