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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

MIL tried to attack me whilst holding my daughter...

72 replies

user1495797530 · 26/05/2017 12:42

This is a long story but I'm going to keep it as short as I can. My DH is an only child who was raised by his mother alone in his grandparents house. His Nan mostly raised him but her husband was violent and abusive towards her and my DH grew up witnessing this. Because of that we have had a turbulent relationship as he has a quick temper and shows the same traits that his grandfather had on occasion. We have been through gambling problems, compulsive lying, verbal abuse and I have stood by him as I don't believe that, although he is responsible for his own actions, that he can always keep how he acts/reacts to things. Every time we have a bad patch he leaves and goes straight to his mums/nans house for a few days/ a week at a time leaving me with our 3 children (DS 4, DD 2 and DS 9months) and unbeknown to me was telling his mother everything about our relationship and blaming everything on me. One Sunday we were having lunch at MILS house and my husband and I were having a minor squabble and she decided to get involved (she claims she was defending her 39year old son...) telling me that I need to grow up and that she knows all about how I treat her son etc. Which ultimately ended in her lunging at me whilst I was holding 1year old DD with my eldest and baby next to me. My DH managed to restrain her and shut her in another room. He then drove us home berating me the whole way because it's my fault as I wound her up and she was only defending him, dropped me and the kids home and went back to check on his mother and stayed there for 2days. I want nothing to do with the woman after what she did, not so much about me but if she had got at me then my DD would have been hurt so I wont be seeing her again, nor will the kids. I tried to get my husband to see that he should be on our side as his wife and kids but to this day defends his mothers actions and says that I'm unreasonable in thinking that I feel as though he should stay away from her too and be just as disgusted with her for her actions but he refuses to acknowledge how I feel. He months later fell out with her himself because she made him feel guilty for not spending his birthday with her because we went out as a family with the kids (his choice) and she didn't bother speaking to him for a month. He turned around at that point and said he'd had enough of her and was quite happy to leave things how the were and that he was sorry that he ever took her side in the first place. We weren't getting on very well for the last week or so and despite how I feel he's gone straight back to his mums house and is still there now. I've told him that I've had enough of all of it (the lying etc but it's too much to elaborate on) on top of the issues with his mother and I can't do it anymore but he's was texting me all yesterday and today so far telling me how much he loves me and doesn't want to loose but he believes that I am stubborn and pigheaded about the situation and that I'm controlling and manipulative! I don't know what to think anymore! Am I right, is he right, the whole situation is killing me and I don't know what to do. Help!

OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 26/05/2017 12:45

Run.
Contact womans aid and get organised to leave.
Your children should not be around these people.

KinkyAfro · 26/05/2017 12:45

I'd be telling him to go back to his mum permanently

OvariesForgotHerPassword · 26/05/2017 12:46

You have a MIL problem and a DH problem. It's a toxic environment and I think you need to get away from both of them.

Venusflytwat · 26/05/2017 12:47

Leave. Go as far as you can.
Do not have any more babies with this man, and do not share any more of your future with him.

hellsbellsmelons · 26/05/2017 12:50

Tell to stay at his mothers for the rest of his life.
Please re-read your post.
It's glaringly obvious that your 'D'H is an abusive asshole!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/05/2017 12:51

You do not have to stand by your man any more; he is just as toxic as his mother. The rotten apple that is he did not fall far from the rotten tree that is his family of origin. He is basically projecting his own stuff onto you; he is the stubborn, manipulative, controlling and pig headed one in this scenario.

Protect your children from his toxic mother and he. They are a terrible influence on your children.

I would contact Womens Aid and with their help get legal advice with a view to separating from him.

Original poster
user1495797530 · 26/05/2017 12:59

Thank you all for your quick replies! Do you really think there is no way than I can convince him that what he's doing is wrong? How would your OH's/DH's react if it had happened to you?

OP posts:
Neverknowing · 26/05/2017 13:01

I don't think you can convince him he's wrong but honestly that's past the point. He's an abusive arsehole who is okay with his mother treating you and your children this way, your children deserve so much better and so do you. Please, please LTB this arsehole behaviour will affect your children.

NotYoda · 26/05/2017 13:01

Yes

Read your post, imagine your DD at nearly 40, and think what advice your'd give her if she got involved in a family like that

Now remember that every event in her little life is also affecting her right now

People on here can help you with how to get away from them.

Lj8893 · 26/05/2017 13:01

If my mil did that to me, my dh would have taken us all out of the house and would have never seen or spoken to his mother again.

NotYoda · 26/05/2017 13:02

I am sorry, because I'd desperately like to think that people can change. But I don't think they can. Not so it's good enough for them to treat you as you deserve to be treated

user17829 · 26/05/2017 13:05

Before the MIL incident you had already put up with far too much shitty treatment from your husband.

You are rightly disgusted at MILs behaviour but somehow a wedding ring is stopping you from feeling the same way about your husbands disgusting behaviour.

At this point it is no longer about convincing anyone of anything. Your responsibility is protecting the children from this toxic environment and putting a stop to it all.

Underthemoonlight · 26/05/2017 13:05

She should never have went for you but when she is witnessing you sqaubble and her dh is telling her stuff it's very easy for her to form an opinion of you. TBH my sil (db DW) treats him appaulling and has no qualms about arguing in front of his family talking to him like dirt. As family it's very hard to bit your tongue because if she was male and my db female people would say she was emotionally abusive which I think she is (scary thing is works in he pubic sector).

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/05/2017 13:05

"Do you really think there is no way than I can convince him that what he's doing is wrong?"

No. How would you try and do that anyway?. You are woefully underqualified to help him here; not that he wants your help anyway. Such men hate women, all of them starting in particular with their own mother. He grew up in a violent household but I have to look at you in all this as well; why did you actually choose to marry and have three children by him?. What did you yourself learn about relationships when growing up?.

JerichoCrumbles · 26/05/2017 13:05

It doesn't matter how my OH would react.

Your OH reacts like this, and you can either choose to put up with it or kick him out. He won't change unless he seeks therapy to change and reset these awful patterns, and he doesn't want to do that.

I'm sorry, but you need to act. Flowers

Underthemoonlight · 26/05/2017 13:06

Just another side to consider that things aren't as black and white as they may seem. Personally I would never having a row infront of my DH family.

MissHavishamsleftdaffodil · 26/05/2017 13:11

You're never going to change the way your MiL has wired up your dh's brain. If he was not abusive or enabling actual physical abuse of you then ok, a very few men are strong enough to escape these very toxic parental enmeshments with a lot of therapy. But you're talking actual attempted physical assault with a small child physically in the situation.

That's serious. Social services involvement level serious. You need to be very proactive now, and sorting out dp shouldn't be your main thought. Be visibly clear in your actions about not exposing your kids to any more of this, and not involving yourself in relationships and dynamics or going to places that might permit that to happen or you're risking questions being asked about your ability to keep the kids safe. And questioning your ability to put them first, above your relationship.

Dp is coming and going and blaming and running away and making up and falling out - this man is a mess. You need to put yourself and the kids first, straight away, don't let him put your family at risk. I really would recommend talking to Women's Aid urgently for some support and advice.

mmgirish · 26/05/2017 13:11

Go. Go now.

pipsqueak25 · 26/05/2017 13:12

there doesn't seem to be much positive about any of this, get advice and leave this idiot to his dear mum who sounds just like him, a waste of breathable air.

DistanceCall · 26/05/2017 13:16

Your husband needs therapy to detach from his mother. They have a toxic relationship which he can leave if he chooses to.

You need to get away from this and protect yourself and your children. He may decide to get help or not, but you are not helping anyone by staying in this situation.

TheFirstMrsDV · 26/05/2017 13:21

Why do you think he can change?
He is 39. We are not talking about a stroppy teenage dad with his first relationship.
He is a fully grown and developed adult with three children.

You cannot undo decades of normalising violence.
You are concentrating on his mother's behaviour and his reaction because its easier than concentrating on his overall behaviour.

Even if he told you his mother was wrong and vowed never to see her again that wouldn't change the way he treats you day to day would it?

You make excuses for him.Its fine to understand why he is the way he is but its not ok to excuse it.

Get your kids out or they will have a childhood like his.
Is that what you want for them?

You deserve better.

DJBaggySmalls · 26/05/2017 13:22

Please get away first. They havent told you the truth. Get some space and advice, then consider what to do.
This isnt normal and it wont be fixed by you saying 'stop it'.

Womens Aid can offer practical advice and support;
0808 2000 247

Freephone 24 hr National Domestic Violence Helpline Run in partnership between Women’s Aid & Refuge

www.womensaid.org.uk/?gclid=CLTFlMWzgs8CFQaNGwod4qgDMQ

SisterhoodisPowerful · 26/05/2017 13:24

Your husband is abusive. Blaming it on his childhood is an excuse so he never has to take responsibility for his behaviour. Lots of people grow up with abusive parents and never become violent themselves. Right now your husband is teaching your children that they can do whatever they want and blame it on someone else. They are not safe on the same house as their father and you are not safe with him.

Please rich out to Women's Aid or Refuge for support as you and your children deserve to be safe and happy - neither of which will happen in a house with an abusive father.

CardinalCat · 26/05/2017 13:28

He sounds deeply disturbed and a totally mummy's boy. Yuk. Whatever strange toxic environment he was exposed to growing up, there is no excuse for a man of nearly 40 to behave as he does to you. Abdicating from family duties whenever he wants to sulk, and leaving you to cope, taking the side of his mother over that of his wife. In certain cultures, the matriarch is given a kind of overriding veto even if she is a total demon but- even if you are in this cultural situation- it is still does not excuse his behaviour, his sporadic flouncing out of the family home and abandonment of duty, his rage, and the fact that he lets you down, repeatedly. You must be walking on eggshells all the time! how can you let your children grow up in this environment? Have some thought for them, please.

the great thing about telling him that your marriage is over, is that you will no longer have to put up with his unhinged mother!DO IT. women's aid, now.

HalfShellHero · 26/05/2017 13:28

Echoing everyone please leave he doesnt seem bothered that his mum coukd have hurt you and DDs

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