MIL tried to attack me whilst holding my daughter...

[user1495797530]

This is a long story but I'm going to keep it as short as I can. My DH is an only child who was raised by his mother alone in his grandparents house. His Nan mostly raised him but her husband was violent and abusive towards her and my DH grew up witnessing this. Because of that we have had a turbulent relationship as he has a quick temper and shows the same traits that his grandfather had on occasion. We have been through gambling problems, compulsive lying, verbal abuse and I have stood by him as I don't believe that, although he is responsible for his own actions, that he can always keep how he acts/reacts to things. Every time we have a bad patch he leaves and goes straight to his mums/nans house for a few days/ a week at a time leaving me with our 3 children (DS 4, DD 2 and DS 9months) and unbeknown to me was telling his mother everything about our relationship and blaming everything on me. One Sunday we were having lunch at MILS house and my husband and I were having a minor squabble and she decided to get involved (she claims she was defending her 39year old son...) telling me that I need to grow up and that she knows all about how I treat her son etc. Which ultimately ended in her lunging at me whilst I was holding 1year old DD with my eldest and baby next to me. My DH managed to restrain her and shut her in another room. He then drove us home berating me the whole way because it's my fault as I wound her up and she was only defending him, dropped me and the kids home and went back to check on his mother and stayed there for 2days. I want nothing to do with the woman after what she did, not so much about me but if she had got at me then my DD would have been hurt so I wont be seeing her again, nor will the kids. I tried to get my husband to see that he should be on our side as his wife and kids but to this day defends his mothers actions and says that I'm unreasonable in thinking that I feel as though he should stay away from her too and be just as disgusted with her for her actions but he refuses to acknowledge how I feel. He months later fell out with her himself because she made him feel guilty for not spending his birthday with her because we went out as a family with the kids (his choice) and she didn't bother speaking to him for a month. He turned around at that point and said he'd had enough of her and was quite happy to leave things how the were and that he was sorry that he ever took her side in the first place. We weren't getting on very well for the last week or so and despite how I feel he's gone straight back to his mums house and is still there now. I've told him that I've had enough of all of it (the lying etc but it's too much to elaborate on) on top of the issues with his mother and I can't do it anymore but he's was texting me all yesterday and today so far telling me how much he loves me and doesn't want to loose but he believes that I am stubborn and pigheaded about the situation and that I'm controlling and manipulative! I don't know what to think anymore! Am I right, is he right, the whole situation is killing me and I don't know what to do. Help!

If this carries on happening & you don't leave, & if your DCs witness further similar incidents like this & tell a teacher, social services will likely get involved & you could lose your children on the basis that you failed to protect them. You need to leave.

Definitely leave. You say he is this way because of the behaviour he witnessed as a child. Do you want your children to go through the same? If not for yourself, leave for them.

He may have had issues in his childhood but that doesn't mean that you're obliged to put up with his treatment of you. These types can always select who gets handed shit. They manage to be respectful to their bosses and people they admire. He can control his behaviour, but because of negative intimacy he blames you for his own failure to stand up as a father/husband.

You don't have to take it. My xmil was a WAGON btw so I'm not just merrily typing this without a clue.

How would your OH's/DH's react if it had happened to you?

But it wouldn't have done. You have described a unique and toxic situation that you need to get the hell away from, taking your children too.

Understanding and having sympathy for where this behaviour came from is admirable

But it gets you nowhere. You can't change it. He probably can't change it

Literally nowhere. It keeps you where he can hurt you

It's desperately hard but walk away for good. Your DCs are witnessing and being part of situations that they shouldn't experience and that is they type of life that made your DH into the person he is today. I feel sorry for him as he is a victim too and no doubt his head is screwed up, but you need to look after yourself and your children first. I am so, so sorry for your situation.

And you're with this violent looser husband why?

You think he was 'damaged' by witnessing violence as a child, yet you continue to keep your children in hams way repeating the cycle :-(

You can't change him. And he won't change himself because he goes from you to his mum and back again with ' fresh starts ' each time so basically getting away with it. He has been telling his mum whatever he needs to to not be blamed for his actions and vice versa. You could show him all the evidence under the sun he'll still behave the same way and deny any blame. He's playing you and his mum to suit himself.

Your "D"H witnessed violence and abusive behaviour as a child (from his grandfather) and you've seen what type of adult he turned out to be as a result. The very same could happen to any of your children if they are exposed to similar behaviour - which they are being at the moment.

All he's focused on is the fact that I'm unreasonable in not wanting any of us around his mother. He says she knows what she's done and he can she that she's sorry so not seeing her grandchildren is punishment enough without not seeing him. His his one and only mother as he puts it and it's not at all weird that he doesn't not want to speak to her even if he loses me and the kids because of it. He is sorry for his part in all of and I believe that's he knows that involving her in our relationship was the cause of this situation but still he thinks that's how things are is normal? He has made a lot of mistakes but I and his children love him dearly and I do think that he would be better if he didn't continue to have such bad influences in his life.

My ex grew up in a similiar dysfunctional family and I too gave him leeway over his behaviour towards me because I believed he couldn't help himself.

His mother also treated me appallingly and he would always take her side and blame me.

I was wrong and I regret it so much. I had no self esteem and deep down thought I deserved no better. This is probably why he homed in on me and why I put up with decades of abuse.

Please don't let your children be damaged by this man and his family, because they will be if you keep enduring and "understanding" his behaviour. That's my biggest regret, the damage done to my children.

I'm also having expensive therapy to help me heal from the damage done to my mental health. That's my second biggest regret.

Whatever you may believe or hope about the curative properties of providing your husband with love and stability, you are wrong. The damage to him is too deep. "You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't cure it". I know this usually refers to a family member with alcoholism but believe me, it is equally true in this situation.

With the perspective time and distance has given, I realise his behaviours were deliberate and used to keep me off balance and under his control. He knew what he was doing.

Put your children and yourself first and get away from him. Sadly I'm speaking from experience here.

You wanted some home truths and I want to say more about that. You are in an enviable position here. You've got the power and the money. Compared to many other women you have it so much easier and yet you are choosing to bring your children up in this situation.

If you think that you can change then why not call the NSPCC and talk to them about services you could access for the family. But you'd need to be really honest about what your children are seeing and hearing regularly now. See what they say

Aaaargh. sorry!! wrong thread

Mother in law is a knob but your dh is the issue

Your husband is abusive and chooses to be this way.
Please get your children out of this toxic family immediately.
Plenty of people have come from the most awful violent backgrounds and decided that it stopped with them, not to be continued to the next generation.
Your husband has chosen not to do this.

he has a quick temper and shows the same traits that his grandfather had on occasion. We have been through gambling problems, compulsive lying, verbal abuse

MIL is irrelevant. Any one of the above is a good enough reason to LTB.

You are not in an equal and balanced relationship in any way.
He gets to behave very very badly, and gets a free pass.
His mother also gets to behave very badly and gets a free pass.
You really need to look at you own op carefully, if he wanted to change, he could, if he wanted to deal with his past he could, instead he chooses, over and over again to not move on. This is a deliberate choice, and one which benefits him. His best projected future is one where he continues to do what he likes..if only he could get you to understand that..sure , it would involve breaking you a little bit, but if he just keeps wearing you down....he can have it all

Run...
Change the locks.
He thinks he is entitled to change you..that's dangerous.

wow op, im sorry for your struggles. i have also had stories hard to believe with mil to the point where she managed to drive us apart and separate us. my last encounter with her put me in early labour and i lost my baby that i spent 2 years ttc. after that, i have refused to go anywhere near her! that is non-negotiable! it was hard for dh and i felt like he was taking dm side more than mine. he said he would never have anything to do with her after what happened, but obv he has spoken to her since (not seen her). dh and i have been through therapy and worked things through. would you both be willing to talk to a professional about this together/separately? whilst in your situation it sounds like the best thing for you and dc is to walk away, i know that it can be hard. get help and let someone guide you. good luck hun!!!! i hope that all goes well. just remember that you have to do what's best for dc, they don't deserve this.

Read LostGarden's post.

Then read it again.

And again and again and again.

Then act.

He says she knows what she's done and he can she that she's sorry so not seeing her grandchildren is punishment enough without not seeing him. His his one and only mother as he puts it and it's not at all weird that he doesn't not want to speak to her even if he loses me and the kids because of it.

Honestly love. Social services will not give a damn. Your child was involved in domestic violence. Not just a witness to, actively involved. Who said what and means what and thinks what is like shifting the deckchairs around on the Titanic. Step away from his mess, protect yourself and the kids, please get some proper advice.

Your DH has an insecure attachment to his mother. He is unable to detach himself from her. SS sees it all the time with children taken into care because of abusive parents. The children can acknowledge the sometimes horrific abuse but once they leave care the vast majority gravitate back to their birth parents ( who continue to abuse them) . The situation appears contradictory, but there you are.
Your DH does not even have the desire to change but will say anything he feels you want to hear in order to preserve the status quo. It is too late for him to change so do not sentence your DC to developing the same problems from a toxic family situation. You are modelling a weak, helpless woman to your DD plus subjecting the children to frightening scenes of conflict.
If you must love him, love him from afar. Do not continue to live with him

I've been married 30 years and hopefully you'll hear me as someone with some marital 'street cred'.

He is not going to change. His loyalty hierarchy was set many years ago and you are NOT going to change it. It works for him and it works very well. He has his wife, his DC, and his home and when he's not happy there he can run to Mummy for tea and sympathy. Can you see how that works for him? How it's a 'win-win'? Can you see how he'd NOT want to change it?

My own MiL was a true star. She made it very clear from the outset that she would NOT take sides in our arguments and the few times (early on) that DH went 'home' after a spat she listened to him, then sent him right back and told him to 'work it out'. My own mum was the same way. She'd listen, but tell me it was my responsibility to solve things. But TBH, if my DH treated me like yours treats you my mum would tell me to kick him back to his mum, permanently. As would my MiL have done if the reverse were true.

Are you in a position to kick him out?

I do understand who those who have witnessed abuse go on to abuse as it is learned behaviour.

I also can't help thinking though that you have to have the temperant to treat someone who you are supposed to love like shit.

Does he manage not to abuse his mum, kids, friends, people he works with?

I also agree with Eolian