We have to sell our house and I feel bereft

[Saffastisat]

Slightly embarrassed at posting this as compared to some of the problems people have this is nothing. But it does fall into the remit of relationships.

10 years ago we bought what we thought was our forever home. The moment I walked in I saw myself living there when I was 80 years old and sitting at a seat by the window in the living room watching the goings on down below. It's a beautiful period building in a lovely city, and we restored it from crumbling, decorated it and settled there.

I brought my DC home from the hospital to the house, and they've grown up there so far (they're still young - under 5.) I spent my first night as a new mother there with DD1, in the living room, holding her on my chest feeling the weight of responsibility, but also feeling elated and grown up.

Every time I have felt sad or depressed the house has been a retreat for me, and I feel very peaceful and safe there. It's the first house I have ever "owned" too, as I could only afford a joint mortgage with DH.

Anyway, thanks to DH making some poor investment decisions, we are struggling. We've investigated a lot of options, but the only option seems to be to sell our house.

DH is trying to be very matter of fact about it and telling me I have to want what's best for our family and what's best right now is that we have enough to bridge our financial gap. Which is true. He says that even talking about it or investing emotion in it is a waste of time and does not benefit us.

But every time I think about losing the house or selling it, I want to bite my cheek hard inside my mouth. The thought of it is unbearable.

I am also angry at DH and I don't know if i can get over his decisions which led to the events where we had to sell this house. But it's more loss that I feel than anger.

We had a lot of parties there, friends would drop round as it was the centre of town. Lots of memories, family, events, working from home. The house was so tied up in my identity.

I'm just wondering if anyone's got some words of consolation. Even a kick up the ass. Or telling me why I am feeling this way about the house.

DH keeps telling me that our family is our family - the 5 of us - not the house. That wherever we go will be our home. And of course I agree with that, that's what that matters.

But I just feel like what I thought was my future has disappeared in front of my eyes.

Is that justified?

If she rents the house out she still has to live somewhere, and find the deposit to rent a place, it costs a fortune to move.

OP, I'm in the same position and have just had to sell up, it went far to far for a lodger to make a difference. I felt like you, bereft at leaving our lovely home. we couldn't afford to rent it out, we would have had to spend a few thousand to get it ready to rent and then find money to rent a place ourselves.

I did feel bitter towards OH which wasn't really fair, it was bad luck really we got into this position, bad decisions made with good intentions.

I am lucky to be a fairly optimistic person so I am having to embrace this as a new adventure but it's not easy.

I wish you well and hope you find a happy future in a new home, the memories stay with you but houses are much more than bricks, I get that.

Refuse to sell (for now) and get some proper financial advice.

Tell your 'D'H you will discuss it as much as you want, with whoever you want and that you will not be bullied into shutting up.

He's fucked up, he knows he's fucked up. He knows you agreed based on his 'knowledge'. Saying nit tisn't talk about it & you 5 are what matters is just shit. It's a ploy to get out of taking responsibility for his actions.

Mistakes happen, for sure. But not holding his hands up and taking responsibility, but instead saying you are equally to blame is plain nasty. Is he always such a 'know-it-all', selfish, pain in the arse?

Bit harsh there Annie.

I think Annie has a point tbh.

I think it's a horrible situation to be in, but despite wanting to blame your DH he didn't set out to do this maliciously and is probably feeling massively guilty that a decision pioneered by him has ended badly.

You are sort of fortunate that you aren't at the repossession stage, so you could maybe speak with your mortgage company about a payment holiday, or an agreed reduction for a few months whilst you find work.

Hope things get better. As hard as it is, i think you should try to maintain some perspective. We all make mistakes and i think blaming him now you have the hindsight to recognise he made some unwise choices is a little unfair. Presumably if his investment had paid off you would have been happy.

Totally agree with Annie! He has made a huge mistake, he's trying to shift blame onto the OP when he should be apologizing and supporting her to deal with this deeply upsetting turn of events.

I'm fairly sure rhe husband is equally as bereft and understands fully the implications of the bad investment decision. The op has said they have investigated many options. He clearly made a very very bad investment decision. I'm unsure crucifyng the guy over it is going to help. They have three kids. If they have investigated many options then I'm sure the decision they need to sell isn't one being taken in ignorance. They clearly have significant financial issues and neither one of them works for some reason. Playing rhe little woman doesn't sit well with me either. Does rhe op have no culpability or responsibility financially? Sure she trusted him, but he clearly made the decision thinking he was doing rhe right thing and has made a huge mistake that has cost them. However crying over spilled milk and crucifying him for it isn't going to change anything. I understand both their perspectives.

At some point you have to stop all the hand wringing, all the recriminations and get on with it.

Totally agree with Annie! He has made a huge mistake, he's trying to shift blame onto the OP when he should be apologizing and supporting her to deal with this deeply upsetting turn of events

He's not trying to shift blame in my view but I do think there is a point that she was involved in the decision. The line of well I didn't understand so it's all your fault really benefits neither of them. Playmg the blame game doesn't change where they are.

Why can't one of you work?

Am I right in thinking you have 3 under 5? That is a tricky age to move, but then again, you don't need much space. Littles can share and the littlest can share your room, so there may be potential for a significant downsize.

The property market is slowing in many places, so if you need to sell to free up hard cash, I'd want to sell sooner rather than later.

However saying all that what about the other options people have posted? A lodger? A big period property in the centre of town there might be a few options of things you could do with it. How much would you get renting it out? Would that be sufficient to meet the mortgage plus a rent on a small 2 bed flat for a year while you make a better long term plan to get a regular income?

Is the house mortgaged? Have you asked the mortgage provider for a payment holiday? They can be quite good about stuff like that especially if you have good equity, which I suspect you do if you've owned it 10 years and did it up yourselves.

He is trying to shift the blame. He apparently had 'knowledge', she relied on that to agree to the investment. The 'knowledge' was wrong, he needs to take responsibility for that. He's not. He's saying 'you agreed, it's as much your fault'. No. That's not how it works. He needs to take responsibility for telling her something that was incorrect.

Then he's telling her he won't talk about it & that the 5 of them being together is 'home' & is all that matters. Totally dismissing her feelings & trying to sweep his fuckup under the rug. Under the rug in a house that's going to be a total come down. But she should just go along with it because he says so.

Look at where doing what he said was right got her!! Time for independant financial advice & to tell him to stop being a bully.

It's sad but if that's your only option what can you do?
Fwiw I'm selling the house ex and I bought together. It has been sold and as it stands my son and I still have nowhere to go when it completes. I thought it may be a "forever home" too but unfortunately ex couldn't keep it in his pants so my son and I are pretty much forced out of our home. So I understand how awful it is but sometimes you just have to do what you can to get by.

Its going to cost a few thousand to sell up with estate agents/legal fees not to mention the cost of mortgage redemption, deposit for house rental or buying a new smaller place, stamp duty, removal costs etc etc.

I would look at increasing your income by renting a room, or even taking on a part-time job before throwing in the towel and moving.

Can't you rent out a room? Ask your children to contribute if they are old enough? Release pension pot early? Take on a job?

Where there's a will there's a way

*Can't you rent out a room? Ask your children to contribute if they are old enough? Release pension pot early? Take on a job?

Where there's a will there's a way*

The children are under 5, and actually, sometimes, with the best will in the world there isn't a way

The children are under 5, and actually, sometimes, with the best will in the world there isn't a way

Agree sometimes there isn't. It depends how big this financial gap is. It sounds like they are in a bad way and have investigated all the options

That's why I'm unsure advising her to play the blame game is going to help here. Sometimes itis what it is and if they've explored all the options and this is what they need to do, doing it in the midst of bitter recriminations serves no benefit other than to make a bad situation worse.

Oh my heart goes out to you. I could have written this.

My partner lost our life savings and left us with 50k of debt when his business went bust 4 years ago. Technically I agreed to prop up the business with our savings, but it was his business and I believed he knew what he was doing. I didn't agree to the debts.

My biggest fear was losing our house. It was horrendously stressful. I didn't sleep properly for about 2 years.

We managed to keep the house, but we have been just existing really as money has been so tight. He lost his job when the business went down, I became the sole breadwinner.

We are now selling up, and moving 250 miles away for a new life. I love my House, but I couldn't carry on with my life being about just getting by.

We will be mortgage free where we are going and running a business from home.

I know I will be in bits they day we leave. We have been lucky in a way as a new neighbour moved in last year who has just been horrendous in so many ways that we will be glad to get away from him.

I still feel huge resentment about what we lost though. Whenever we can't afford anything I just get a wave of anger. I don't k ow if that will ever go away.

Have you tried everything though? Phone Stepchange for advice if it's debt related. Could you rent your house out for a bit? Apologies if you have thought of these things.

Oh, and try St John's Wort. It has literally saved me.

Why do neither of you work?

I'm assuming the OP is a SAHM considering she has 2 or more children under 5, and I'm also assuming her dhs job had something to do with the investment he's lost.

Don't admit defeat just yet,

Can your mortgage allow a payment holiday?
What income do you have to tie you over until a sale? Can you use that for a deposit on a low cost rental and rent out your house?

Where are you planning on living?
Have you any items to sell?
What is your DH's plans to return to work?

I'm assuming the OP is a SAHM considering she has 2 or more children under 5, and I'm also assuming her dhs job had something to do with the investment he's lost

I'm assuming neither of them work and they were living off the return on investments and they have invested in something that has plummeted in value and as such they are getting no returns. I don't understand why they can't get jobs though.

What is your DH's plans to return to work?

Or indeed her plan to return to work. In this day and age either parent can stay at home if indeed one needs to.

She shouldn't be a SAHM if they can't afford for her to be!

The poster has not been back and we need a few more facts.
Are the new debts in the name of the husband only? If so ther emay be ways to protect her and the children's home.

Secondly as people say it is pretty easy to get out your house and go and sleep on your parents' floors or take over a very cheap property as a live in guardian or find jobs which come with accommodation or work abroad for a year or two but keep this house in the UK. I really don't agree the house has to be sold. If you both work full time and also let out the house then surely something can be done?

The tenses in that OP are all over the shop

I what a horrible situation Op. Maybe/hopefully , although it's heart wrenching , the relief of being a bit more financially stable will offset the sadness.