We have to sell our house and I feel bereft

[Saffastisat]

Slightly embarrassed at posting this as compared to some of the problems people have this is nothing. But it does fall into the remit of relationships.

10 years ago we bought what we thought was our forever home. The moment I walked in I saw myself living there when I was 80 years old and sitting at a seat by the window in the living room watching the goings on down below. It's a beautiful period building in a lovely city, and we restored it from crumbling, decorated it and settled there.

I brought my DC home from the hospital to the house, and they've grown up there so far (they're still young - under 5.) I spent my first night as a new mother there with DD1, in the living room, holding her on my chest feeling the weight of responsibility, but also feeling elated and grown up.

Every time I have felt sad or depressed the house has been a retreat for me, and I feel very peaceful and safe there. It's the first house I have ever "owned" too, as I could only afford a joint mortgage with DH.

Anyway, thanks to DH making some poor investment decisions, we are struggling. We've investigated a lot of options, but the only option seems to be to sell our house.

DH is trying to be very matter of fact about it and telling me I have to want what's best for our family and what's best right now is that we have enough to bridge our financial gap. Which is true. He says that even talking about it or investing emotion in it is a waste of time and does not benefit us.

But every time I think about losing the house or selling it, I want to bite my cheek hard inside my mouth. The thought of it is unbearable.

I am also angry at DH and I don't know if i can get over his decisions which led to the events where we had to sell this house. But it's more loss that I feel than anger.

We had a lot of parties there, friends would drop round as it was the centre of town. Lots of memories, family, events, working from home. The house was so tied up in my identity.

I'm just wondering if anyone's got some words of consolation. Even a kick up the ass. Or telling me why I am feeling this way about the house.

DH keeps telling me that our family is our family - the 5 of us - not the house. That wherever we go will be our home. And of course I agree with that, that's what that matters.

But I just feel like what I thought was my future has disappeared in front of my eyes.

Is that justified?

It must have been a huge investment and not a spread risk to result in losing your house. Whatever his expertise, you agreed to the size of it and a single risk so in that respect he's right, sorry.

He's now trying to push you into being logical, not emotional, about this because he doesn't want to deal with your hurt on top of all the feelings he has about his poor judgement. Him doing so is understandable but not reasonable. You feel how you feel. It wouldn't surprise me if he feels the same but it's his way of coping and trying to get you to cope too as well as lessening his guilt.

I cant quite get a handle on what you are saying.
Have you been living on the decreasing yield from investments?..or inherited capital, or has one or both of you stopped working recently or lost your jobs?
If the house is as well placed as you describe you should be able to rent it out and have money left over to put towards rent on a much more modest property in a worse location...combined with an income this should tide you over for a while, but what's happened to you income?
And you perhaps could get benefits which will cover your interest for a year which your mortgage provider should agree to take. Although these systems are changing so fast it's hard to keep up.

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I agree to look into renting it out. Is there any reason neither of you can work?

When XH and I (and kids) had to move north for his job, leaving our little cottage where they'd all been born, learned to toddle, all my friends...I cried the length of the motorway. I've made new friends, new memories in this house, but I still remember that pain of leaving. No advice, OP, just sympathy.

Look at renting it out, also if DH is at home can he sort this out while you get a job? A few years time you may be in a position to move back in, or a shorter period of time?

As well as the immediate practicalities (have you had an independent financial advisor look over your affairs?) you need to accept your own role in this. It is not OK to frame yourself as the little woman blindly accepting what his lordship said about your life savings without any serious question. You have culpability too here. Maybe accepting that will help you two to work out the best solution.

Why do neither of you have an income? Did he break laws or damage his reputation with what he did?

I don't understand why neither of you have an income either. Did uou live off investment money, made a bad investment, lost it and now need to sell the house? Can you not get jobs?

Let it go.
It's a house, a 'thing'.
You've had the experience of living there. No-one can take those memories away.

I don't understand either. Neither of you have jobs? No income? So how does that relate to his 'investments'?

Aw, I would really struggle with this too op. I have a strong emotional tie to my living environment and my home is my forever home. Like you, it would break my heart to have to leave. My home is not just where I hang my hat, or where my family is, but it's where I can be me. Of course that can move and shift, and if it has to it has to, but I would be really angry if I felt someone else was at fault for my having to leave. I gather you're not in the position to do this, but financial independence, even within a relationship, is a good thing in my opinion. If my OH lost his job, I could pay the mortgage and keep the house. I know people have to, have to split responsibilities, but I couldn't let this aspect of my happiness be down to another person. I hope your family finds a way from from/with this.

I was so worried when we left our home of 12 years, it was a grief. However it wasn't as bad as I thought - I spent 3 days per week at empty house for a few months. Home as definitely where my DC and our stuff was. I was very surprised tbh.

I think your DH is very wrong to effectively"shut you up" he needs to be there comforting you. He probably doesn't want to feel any more guilt than he already does but his lack of emotional support could be the final nail in the coffin.

Can you work, start a job? How much is the mortgage?

Is your DH an investment banker? My DH used to be one and was very good at it and wanted to invest our money. I always preferred paying of (part of)the mortgage instead.

It sounds almost as if your DH gambled with the house, were you investing money and not paying off the mortgage?

Is there really no way you or DH can get a job, even on minimum wage, would that not cover the mortgage?

In your shoes I would try to find a way to earn money to keep the house.

I feel for you, it is very sad to leave a beloved home when it isn't your choice/fault

No, I would struggle as well.

I think you have got two issues here. The first is that you are having to leave something you love, which is painful. But rationally you know that you, as a person, have nothing to do with the roof over your head. Your identity, your happiness, your family security are not dependent on living in that particular property. You have an emotional attachment to it and I truly understand that. But if you can learn to let go of this then you'll be surprised at how free you feel. Anything could happen - a fire tomorrow - which you walk away from with the clothes on your back having lost photos, first teeth, family heirlooms... At the end of the day they are just 'things' and you can learn to live, peacefully, without them, because what's important is right in front of you - so in that respect your DH is right.

Your second issue is your DH's attitude. I suspect that you harbour a bit of deep-seated resentment towards him, which is understandable and quite normal in the circumstances. Therefore being told to stiffen your spine and get on with it by the person you secretly blame for the whole mess, is very difficult. You need to have an honest conversation with him and tell him that him lecturing you about your emotional response is incredibly unhelpful. That you trusted his judgement and whilst you don't blame him - because we all make mistakes and you are going to have to let go of the resentment - he needs to understand that the 'keep calm and carry on' trope is pissing you off. That you have no intention of moping around and sighing gustily whilst casting doleful looks in his direction, but that some emotional intelligence from him would really help right now.

I feel for you. My DP lost their house when I was a child. It was a tough few years but we pulled through. I will never forget finding my Mum quietly crying in the garden on the day we left though. She'd turned a wilderness into a haven over the course of a decade and it was a real wrench to leave it. But we made new memories in the next house - and the one after that.

I have just re-read your original post.I think I get it .this is not where you currently live?
You refer to it in the past tense, and as an option?

It sounds like this is not your only residence , perhaps a second home and the one you thought you retire to?

I totally sympathise with you, I felt the same when I got divorced and had to leave our marital house and move into one I don't like (all I could afford). The DCs prefer this house and are happy here but 10 years on I still dislike it and have no means of affording better. However, there's two of you and you may eventually be able to work back up to something you like as much.

Actually I understand the husbands perspective, there really is no point in wasting more emotion over something that can't be changed. I also understand her emotion. But it seems they are where they are.

I don't really understand why neither of them work, and it seems like this must have been a huge financial risk they took where the value has plummeted of their investment and subsequently eaten up their income stream.

PS. I do try and count my blessings - I'm well aware that there are lots of people who are homeless or in overcrowded/ insecure accommodation who would be glad of my shitty poorly built semi.

I've moved house a lot and I understand the feeling of leaving something of yourself behind... but your memories don't stay in the building, you get to take them with you.

You two both need to get jobs! ANY jobs. I'd rent out. TBH, this 'd'H telling me there's no alternative to sell, after also telling me I agreed to his investments, wouldn't sit well with me.

Rent it out and move into the cheapest smallest place you can fit .. then get back on your feet and go back ! We had to sell my family home when my dad died because it was too big but it broke all of our hearts .. I can't go down that road now because it's too painful 😞

I don't see how renting the house out will help much. Yes, the rent received could cover the mortgage (and more), but where would you live? Unless you have somewhere you can move to rent-free, and could cover the mortgage during void periods, it doesn't seem much of a solution!

You need to get a job. I appreciate that's easier said than done, but it's the most obvious answer to the issue of having zero income.

This is very complicated. Of course you are sad to be leaving what sounds like a lovely house but if you do move you will make new memories in the new house. Life won't stop if you have to downsize a bit and your DCs are young so the new house will be 'their' house where they have memories.

Don't be too hard on DH. It's not as if he squandered money on drugs or gambling. He presumably made those investments in good faith thinking that they would pay off and help your family, not mess things up for you. If choices I made put my family in such a terrible position I would feel very guilt and would want support and understanding from my partner, not blame and recriminations.

And I agree with all the people saying rent the property out for now so you can move back in when things improve. You say you live in a lovely city - lovely cities often have English language colleges full of foreign students that need rooms to rent in the summer.

I hope it works out for you all.

Do absolutely everything you can to hang on to the house. My parents sold their house in the recession in the early 90s. To this day it's their biggest regret and they feel they should have just stuck firm another few months and it would have been ok. They were never able to get back to owing their own house and my mum now lives in a HA flat.

If you can rent out a room while still living there you can get rent a room tax relief which allows you to earn about £7400 per year, tax free. Might help to pay the mortgage for a year or two.