Do you think you can get a spark back?

[imightneedsocks]

I have another thread going at the moment but this is a slightly different (if very relevant) topic.

I'm due to get married in December however I feel like I don't have any spark left with DP. We did have a spark at the beginning of the relationship but this has now gone for me.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about why and it seems to be a combination of...

• Personal hygiene: he doesn't have awful personal hygiene but equally it could be better, obviously this can be off putting

• Irritating/unsexy habits: he doesn't carry tissues and often has a 'bat in the cave' IYSWIM. I have to point this out to him around once a week and it makes me feel like his mother. He also wees on the toilet seat which is not exactly sexy and again, makes me feel like his mother to tell him off about it

• He had a long period (10 months) of unemployment where I felt like he was becoming a bit of a cocklodger. He is now working but this period hasn't helped, again, made me feel more like his mother than an equal partner

I'm contemplating at the moment whether we can work through this or whether I need to call the wedding off. He will be devastated if I call it off and I'm horrified at the thought of hurting him like that.

Can you get back on track?

Well he's not an OM in the context of my relationship. He's a friend I used to have a relationship with many years ago. I'm also talking to my best friend about it on Friday, I don't see any difference?

I think you might be bored by him. Do you find him interesting to talk to? I like that question about the holiday. If you imagine an idyllic destination does the thought of him there make everything better?

My only concern with you talking to the OM is that you're subconsciously 'testing the water' so to speak, and that might muddy your thoughts about your dp. That's why it's different than you'd friend.

I mean that without judgement- just an observation

You're not walking away from a marriage, you're walking away from a boyfriend at this stage.

Given the number of time you and OM have been off/on again, yes, it is different from talking about it to a friend.

I think it is CRAZY the number of people who get married when they don't have great sex with their partner. If you feel like this now it will only get worse.

Hmmm...well, to be honest how you have described your DP makes him sound like an ideal flatmate, or just a good friend. But that's all really.

There's nothing wrong with your DH also being a good friend - but I think when you marry someone there has to be something much more intimate & passionate there. I already had plenty of good friends when I married DH, so I really didn't need to marry one, too.

Now, some people are okay with quite a bland, comfortable marriage. But you don't sound like one of them...?

I've been with DH for nearly 26 years (married for 15) and, obviously, after that amount of time we're comfortable with each other - but there is most definitely still that spark. He can drive me up the wall at times, and we can fight like cat&dog on occasion - but we could never be indifferent to each other. The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference.

I would give him my heart on a plate if he asked it of me, and I know he'd do the same for me.

Run for the hills OP if it is not the best it. An he pre marriage it certainly won't improve

Best it can be pre marriage ffs

Another good test to see if your DP is the right one for you, is 'If you had to be a man, would you want to be just like your DP?'

A very good question...and I can answer, wholeheartedly, that I definitely would want to be very much like my DH. He has so many qualities that I really admire, respect, and just find downright attractive...

Would you want to be a bloke like your DP, OP?

To be honest, if you have doubts I would pull back. You should be very sure when you get married even if things subsequently turn out tricky. Otherwise the fallout could be huge. And better to call time now and find the right person to have kids with (or not) than have kids with the wrong person and end up trapped.

Your ex is not like a close friend, he's an ex who you still had feelings for, who you hadn't spoken to for years, and your DP would probably be (understandably) upset about you discussing your relationship problems with him. You have your female friends to talk to.

MaQueen that is such a good way of looking at it and such a good question to ask!

I'm definitely going to ask myself that in future should I ever be in that position again.

Well the update is that I broached the topic with DP last night...massively summarising but said that we hadn't had sex a great deal for the past 18mths and that I was concerned about that.

He said he very much wanted to but had not taken the initiative for a couple of different reasons (related to contraception and being stuck in the pattern of not doing it).

I said I was concerned that the 'spark' was like a fire, that we've let it go out for 18 months and I am worried it won't come back. I also told him about the things he does (in my OP) that make it harder for me to feel like there's a spark.

He said he feels like he's let me down (he hasn't)...that he'll change the things I mentioned...that we should spend more quality time together and more often go to bed early together, etc.

I just feel awful at the moment...awful that I know he's now worried about us, awful that he's going to try so very hard to get the physical side of things back on track but also that I feel like I don't want to sleep with him.

He's such a lovely man and I love him dearly, I'm torn as I can't imagine being without him but I don't know if I can imagine being with someone I don't really fancy for the rest of my life either.

MaQueen...I think that's an interesting question...I wouldn't choose to be just like DP if I was a man as I'm more ambitious, driven and assertive so if I was a man I'd still choose to be the same TBH.

I have a lot of characteristics that are more traditionally seen as masculine though...ambitious, driven, logical, less emotional, assertive, focused, etc and I'm not 100% sure that being with someone just like me would actually be a good thing.

DP is relaxed, more family orientated, less materialistic, more loyal/kind, less selfish...in some ways he completely balances me and makes me a better person than I know I would be with a male version of myself. That's what attracted me to his personality initially.

I feel like I don't want to sleep with him

IME once that attraction has gone, it's gone and won't be coming back.

You don't have DC or any major ties to him. Far better to finish things kindly and respectfully now than to sleepwalk into a marriage with a man you don't fancy and end up having an affair 5 years down the line because you need to shag someone you actually want. Both of you deserve better than that.

Oh dear, it really does sound like your heart (and loins) really aren't in this.

You deserve to spend your married life enjoying that frisson of sexual attraction. Everyone does. Otherwise, you're really just glorified house mates.

If your DP is as lovely as you say, then he really deserves a wife who thinks he's gorgeous. You both do.

Have seen too many people trail down the aisle with someone they're terribly fond of. But, 10 years, and a few DCs later they're just sharing a roof and household chores. There's no passion or glitter.

That's no life.

DP is relaxed, more family orientated, less materialistic, more loyal/kind, less selfish ...and has bogeys hanging out of his head.

Is the passion and glitter a real thing though?

A lot of people say expecting passion/glitter and a lovely man is expecting too much.

I've traveled through previous threads and internet articles and so many people basically say you can have passion OR comfort but don't expect to have both?

Yes, it is absolutely real. You can still feel very passionate about someone you are also pretty comfortable living with, too. The two don't have to be mutually exclusive. Why settle for anything less?

Meant to add, I have been with DH nearly 26 years. Still feel passionately about him (and him, me).

Just because other people are prepared to settle for less, doesn't mean that you should, or could.

I think it is. You must find someone that has balanced sexual attraction and at the same time also quite comforting to you in term of living together. You don't ask too much. You just haven't find it yet. 1

I agree that you need to find someone attractive for it to work. My DP gets right on my tits sometimes (the occasional piss on the toilet seat, once peed over the bloody lid the daft bugger and tried to blame the cat) but I still look at him sometimes just sat there minding his own business and think "oh my god just take off your clothes" whilst absently salivating.

And that's after 8 years. And a baby.

This is so horrible. He's such a brilliant man...came home from work with a bunch of red roses this evening and has been super attentive all evening.

I was single for 5 years before I met him and very lonely at times. I'm afraid to throw what is fundamentally a lovely relationship away for sex, only to be single and celibate for years again

No one is saying he isn't a lovely, nice bloke. But, that doesn't mean he is the right lovely man for you.

Well, of course it's a risk - I've been with dh 20 years and you do go through some dips but if you don't think saucy thoughts about him at least a couple of times a week I'd say you've got a lovely best friend.

I don't believe all that stuff about one soulmate and one person for anyone - I've got plenty of friends and indeed parents who've met better suited partners second time round. Yes, the spark can fade a bit due to life pressures but not to the extent that comes across in your posts.