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Original poster

Do you think you can get a spark back?

77 replies

imightneedsocks · 23/05/2017 21:50

I have another thread going at the moment but this is a slightly different (if very relevant) topic.

I'm due to get married in December however I feel like I don't have any spark left with DP. We did have a spark at the beginning of the relationship but this has now gone for me.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about why and it seems to be a combination of...

  • Personal hygiene: he doesn't have awful personal hygiene but equally it could be better, obviously this can be off putting
  • Irritating/unsexy habits: he doesn't carry tissues and often has a 'bat in the cave' IYSWIM. I have to point this out to him around once a week and it makes me feel like his mother. He also wees on the toilet seat which is not exactly sexy and again, makes me feel like his mother to tell him off about it
  • He had a long period (10 months) of unemployment where I felt like he was becoming a bit of a cocklodger. He is now working but this period hasn't helped, again, made me feel more like his mother than an equal partner

I'm contemplating at the moment whether we can work through this or whether I need to call the wedding off. He will be devastated if I call it off and I'm horrified at the thought of hurting him like that.

Can you get back on track?

OP posts:
3luckystars · 23/05/2017 23:05

Can you postpone the wedding and go on a holiday instead.

Definitely do not get married if you are having doubts. Take your foot off the accelerator and stop for s while. Postpone the wedding. Tell him the time doesn't feel right and get the wedding off the table. Take your time.

3luckystars · 23/05/2017 23:12

And to answer the original question, yes I believe you can get the spark back and be even better than before, but not if there's pressure/ a wedding/ huge stress on top of you.
Get rid of the stresses and give the spark a chance ( that's if there still is one, I'm an optimist!)

YetAnotherGuy · 23/05/2017 23:44

If you were married with children, I would say try to work through it

But to be asking these questions indicates that you should have a serious discussion and put the wedding on hold

When I got married, it just seemed the obvious thing to do. If it doesn't feel like that, then you should take a step back - even if if it''s only temporary

It should be more on gut instinct than a checklist

blueshoes · 24/05/2017 00:02

Do you at the very least enjoy his company. If you were looking at a brochure of an exotic holiday, do you think I would really like to go there with DP. Can you see yourself growing old with him.

HeddaGarbled · 24/05/2017 00:15

Most men in my experience do the things you said (wee on the seat)

Good grief, I've not met an adult male who hasn't learned how to use a toilet properly. I must mix in particularly refined circles.

Yellowaardvark · 24/05/2017 04:09

Those little things will drive you mental over time.

I heard a saying once - if you love someone they can spill their soup on you and you forgive them. If you despise someone, even the way they hold their spoon annoys you.

LadyB49 · 24/05/2017 04:24

I agree with the analogy of the soup.
Cancel the wedding.
See where it goes from there.

ohgoshIdontknow · 24/05/2017 07:16

I hate to say LTB as he's obviously a nice bloke but if you're questioning it like you are, I think it's time to think he may not be the one.

Why not put the wedding back for a bit and see how you go?

TheNaze73 · 24/05/2017 07:32

I think if the spark has gone, it's difficult to get back with the same person

famousfour · 24/05/2017 07:33

Hmm. These things won't get any better. I would only marry him if you consider carefully and are honest with yourself about what kind of marriage you will have with him (bearing in mind the 'irritations' you already feel and the lack of sex) and are happy to accept that and work at it.

Lonelymom888 · 24/05/2017 07:47

Are you sure you won't get stressed and having an affair someday if you marry him? Better cut this off now rather than having painful marriage later..

ITooHaveBeenThere · 24/05/2017 07:56

He's a feminist and respects me as his equal and doesn't have a problem with me earning a lot more than him

and

He is now working but this period hasn't helped, again, made me feel more like his mother than an equal partner

So which is it? You're an equal or he is happy for you to behave like his mother? Including earning more than he does.

Whilst there's no problem with you earning more than he, I don't think his ease with it signifies quite what you think it does.

I think that if you're questioning it to this extent, then you shouldn't get married.

I think that if you don't respect him, then you shouldn't get married.

I think that if you don't find him attractive (and I can see why from what you've said), then you shouldn't get married.

HIG70 · 24/05/2017 07:57

Sounds like you know deep down he isn't for you. Be brave

Loopytiles · 24/05/2017 08:02

"The one that got away" eh? Sounds like a fantasy, and there is no such thing as "the one" IMO, best work on forgetting the ex.

On a mercenary note (you mentioned cocklodging....) as the higher earner, you will probably not benefit economically from marriage as DP will. Have you and DP discussed what your wishes would be should you have DC? I assume, for example, that you would not want him to be the primary carer. But if he is unemployed or earning very little you could slide into that.

Original poster
imightneedsocks · 24/05/2017 10:25

@Loopytiles

I agree with your thoughts about the 'one that got away'; he's an irrelevance really, nothing is or will happen on that front and I need to just put it out of my mind.

We have discussed that DP would be the primary carer and would be a SAHP at least until the (future) DC went to school. Economically it makes sense as child care would exceed DP's salary.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 24/05/2017 11:44

So if you split up he would likely get more time with the DC and you would be paying maintenance.

Original poster
imightneedsocks · 24/05/2017 11:48

I realise that. But that's the same for all men who are the breadwinners whose wives are primary carers isn't it?

OP posts:
Original poster
imightneedsocks · 24/05/2017 11:49

Realistically it would be hard for me to be the primary carer after any split as I'm out of the house from 7am to 7.30pm and child care doesn't cover those hours...

OP posts:
MrsMachin · 24/05/2017 11:57

How long were you with the other man you mentioned for?

Loopytiles · 24/05/2017 12:05

Many men who are the higher earner don't want to take that risk either, and both partners continue to WoH after DC. I personally wouldn't want the set up of being the sole earner and nor would my DH.

Original poster
imightneedsocks · 24/05/2017 13:09

The OM...it was complicated.

Not very long in the whole scale of things...we were briefly seeing each other about 8 years ago when both single. Then saw each other for a few months about five years ago, I got pregnant and decided to have a termination but the way he dealt with it was probably the reason I fell in love with him. That said it could have also been hormones.

We then saw each for another few months about three or so years ago.

I've actually spoken to him today for the first time in 2.5 years for his advice on my situation (he's basically the male version of me and I trust his advice). I think our discussion has made me realise I've built up feelings for him that are really just an extension of what I felt for him all those years ago and aren't 'real' IYSWIM.

In reality although we're similar people we have never had a proper relationship, never lived together, quite often haven't even lived in the same country...and the 'he's the love of my life' stuff is actually just a stupid narrative I've built up in my head.

OP posts:
Original poster
imightneedsocks · 24/05/2017 13:19

The discussion did me some good; we went over the whole situation and also talked about his own marriage and it's helped me clarify things in my own mind:

  • Although I've spoken to DP about some of the things that are annoying me and make me feel less attracted to him, I haven't actually laid out how seriously it is affecting us so haven't given him a proper chance to engage in resolving any potential issues
  • Lots of things about our relationship are very good: the loyalty, trust, kindness, that we work as a team, we communicate well generally...I need to remember to focus on these things instead of just homing in on the negatives
  • So really the key issue is about having some kind of spark/attraction. There's nothing else wrong.

Not sure that gets me miles further...but at least I know what the main issue is...it's definitely the physical attraction and spark thing.

It's just whether that's enough to walk away from a marriage for when he has so much else I love...I'm so conscious that I could find a spark with someone else but they'd be lacking in other ways (e.g. not loyal or trustworthy...arguably like the OM).

OP posts:
yetmorecrap · 24/05/2017 15:19

Its always a dilemma OP. Do you walk away from the one with lovely qualities but no spark, or find one who gives you the spark and may well not have all the other lovely qualities- ideally you need/want both, but it can be quite rare to find and certainly its just as easy to find you have the spark only for it to go missing 8 years down the line, so you have to weigh it all up, only you know yourself and know the guy enough to make that choice.

Loopytiles · 24/05/2017 16:54

It was a huge betrayal of your P to discuss your relationship with OM. That would be a "deal breaker" for many.

Loopytiles · 24/05/2017 16:55

Also, he is not "the male version" of you - that's you putting him on a pedestal.

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