What should I do? DP disappearing after argument.

[coconutterly]

On Saturday eve DP and I had a big but petty argument. It's not often we do that but it does happen occasionally, he'd just had a long day at work and I'm really stressed out finishing my masters, I feel like I've been permanently in a bit of a low mood recently. The 'argument' was both our faults. And fwiw I've been a bit low recently too as we're moving in together soon and spending 90% of our time at his place, most of that time he plays video games- I wanted Saturday afternoon off work to spend with him, we got back to his house and he immediately started gaming, as always. I suppose I was annoyed about that too which probably influenced my bad mood.

I had a lot of MA work to do (that was due today, it's finally over!) so I decided to go home, I still felt angry and didn't want to argue anymore, I felt like I needed a calm quiet place to work away from it all. He asked me not to go and said he was cooking me something for dinner, but I said it was probably better if I did because I needed to focus on my work and I didn't want to sit in another room knowing he was annoyed with me over something so silly. He said then that if I apologised we'd be fine, but I said I didn't want to apologise because it wasn't solely my fault at all - and DP seems obsessed with having me apologise, or accept blame for arguments/disagreements and I HATE it. So I left.

Yesterday morning I woke up feeling a bit mean about the whole thing so I texted to say I was sorry, I was angry and just needed a bit of space to do my work but I was genuinely sorry for what'd happened. He read the message and didn't respond. Ditto the next five messages I sent (they weren't long, just a line or two saying sorry/please talk to me/what's going on). I sent a message saying please just respond and tell me if you want more space, I'm just starting to worry. No response!

I was meant to be going over to his that evening anyway, so I still went at about 8pm and he wasn't there, his flatmate said he hadn't been there all day. It got to about 10pm and I started to get seriously quite worried/upset. It's not like him to maintain silence. I texted the few friends I thought he may be with, and all of them said they weren't with him. He did finally text back saying he was fine and would talk to me later.

He finally resurfaced this morning to say he was just really angry after what happened on Saturday and wanted a day to himself. I totally get that, of course, but it felt cruel to not just say that yesterday when I was going out of my mind with worry (and trying to finish a huge essay...).

I also am worried still because have no idea where he was all day. But I'm going to ask him tonight when I see him. I know on MN everyone is quick to say he's cheating but honestly I really really don't think that he was. I just am slightly baffled. I can say with faith I know he hasn't been seeing someone else already, so if it were that he'd been with another woman all day, it'd have had to all been arranged and happened in one day which seems just a bit but that said, most of our friends are mutual and I can't think who he would've been with all day if none of them. That and the fact that he wouldn't answer the phone all day, and I know he's skint right now so I don't think he'd have gone out drinking all day too. Not sure if he knows i went round to his house or spoke to friends so at least if something awful has happened and he tries to cover it up, I'll know he's lying.

Was I overreacting to be upset about him ignoring me all day? Was me leaving on Saturday a really horrible thing to do? :( I suppose if he'd have done that to me I'd be raging.
I feel like maybe I was, because we are quite a 'close' couple and stay in contact a lot, see each other every day kind of thing.

Yup, he's really shown his true colours, he said to me he's keeping himself busy because he can't cope with what he's done. Of course not. I'm so disgusted he did this after everything.
And yes, babysitting is exactly what it was. He said he liked it when I just sat there with him, hated it when I wanted to go do something else because I was bored, why did I stay?!

Yeah. I see that now. He has always been so selfish.

The 'woman' was a girl he works with (she was 19/20 - we are 24). Hilariously, she is new and replaced me when I left a month ago. A lot of our friends work there still and are all disgusted by it. Haven't seen him since Monday but friends have and say he's basically not speaking to anyone/acting very sheepish.. he's lost a lot of friends and respect doing this, but on the plus side it's made me see how much people like me for me, the amount of people who have been so amazingly supportive, I've been overwhelmed! Friends have offered me a place to stay (lost money from the deposit of the place we were going to live) until I get back on my feet. I always felt as if people only liked him and tolerated me cos I was his girlfriend. So glad I was wrong. Everyone's said they never expected it of him and he even had the cheek to say to me 'I'm not the type to do this, you know that, you know me' newflash uh.... you DID do this.

He really thinks he can just bleet these absurd things to you and you'll respond favourably? He sounds like an idiot.

You sound really strong. It's lovely that you are finding out what a fantastic support system you have. It's a shame you lost that money, but you really dodged a bullet, so I am sure in the long run it will be worth it.

The OW will undoubtedly find out after she's babysat him while he games and requires her for 'comfort'. I can't think of what woman who is not shackled to him would want to watch a man do that for hours.

When I really think of the relationship, that's all it ever was, it's such an odd dynamic/issue he has, he just wanted me to satisfy ever little need but so rarely gave me anything back, or ever allowed me to be selfish. I really hope he doesn't go straight for this OW but it doesn't matter either way really, he'll do what he'll do. If he jumps straight into another relationship he'll just be doing what he always does, avoiding his issues by masking the pain, this will all hit him very soon, I think. I've seen it happen before where he hides pain at horrible things he's done and then breaks down weeks, maybe months later at the realisation of having lost important things to him. (I knew him when he was with an ex - he was awful to her in the end, treated her horribly but i believed him when he said she was a psycho, I was sympathetic; more fool me to ever trust a man who says that now I know what he's like). To be fair I was younger and naive, at least I know better now, and know my standards. Like I said he has a very good exterior, very charming and knows how to make people feel good, I got taken in by it all. :(

Thank you so much for your messages, I feel a lot better today, relieved maybe. I was devastated at first but I feel good right now.

Glad you are feeling better and seeing things more clearly.
You will still have the odd down day.
Keep going!

Hey, sorry to bring this thread back. Just struggling and no idea where to turn. it's only been a week but I already feel I've exhausted my friends and my flatmate has run out of things to say to me, bless her. I hate being a burden :(

I had a good few days after it happened, running on shock/adrenaline I guess but just took a nosedive and haven't come back up. I've been managing to go out and see friends but when I'm home I'm just in tears the whole time. I miss him so so much, I want him back more than anything but I'm trying really hard to remain strong :( and when I lay all the facts down, why do I even want him back? He could clearly be so hurtful, he cheated, he was lazy/selfish, there were occasions in the relationship where he did very 'sneaky' things that weren't quite wrong (he managed to talk his way out of them) but looking back obviously indicators of the type of person he was.

But I can't stop thinking I have just lost my best friend and I want him back. I miss him beyond words and want to speak to him, it physically hurts. He told me in our last conversation it would be too hard for him to speak to me, he was finding it too painful and hurtful because we just kept arguing and it wasn't going anywhere (i.e we were just arguing in circles and rehashing the events of the weekend) so it was best if we left it for a while/if at all. said if I wanted to vent i could message him but he wouldnt reply because arguing will not solve things or undo what's done. I am so so desperate to see him/have a conversation that isn't an argument. It may be pathetic but I would forgive it all in a heartbeat. I wasn't prepared for this :(

Have a final exam for my MA on Weds (handed all coursework in). Can't concentrate at all. Just keep tearing up and wanting to sob. I am pathetic aren't I :(

No you're not pathetic...the anger has been overtaken by sadness. Dont let him get to you. Keep busy. You found out what he was like before you moved in properly and got married and had kids...thats a lucky escape. He wont change, ever. Keep in touch here, someone is always around for support:)

You're not pathetic, you're a human being, with a heart. You feel sad because that is how people with feelings react when they open themselves up to another person and are let down.

Write him a letter you never send, and keep strong.

Well done for handing in your coursework :) Can you do some hard physical exercise, like running, to knacker your body a bit and help you sleep?

You are not pathetic. You are in a normal cycle of grief at the end of the relationship and for a future you we're planning. It's perfectly reasonable to feel everything you are feeling. And to lean on your friends. They may not have new things to say to you but that doesn't mean you won't benefit for talking things over with again and again. It's a process. It will take time (and crying and ice cream). You will find someone who loves you. Just be kind to yourself.

Thank you everyone, I like the idea of writing a letter :) the notes section on my phone is filled with messages I'll never send!! to him, and to her! I might also write a letter to myself for some point in the future. so cheesy but still.

I did go to the gym a bit last week but I've not quite got into the habit of eating properly again so I was making myself feel awful! I'm going to make a real effort to actually eat starting from tomorrow though.

To make matters more hilarious and tragic, I've just found out he has been speaking to his ex from before me, presumably with the intention to start things up with her again (who he regarded as 'the one that got away' and I always suspected held a bit of a candle for her). Ugh sweet jesus give me strength. I will laugh if they get back together though as they were such a trainwreck together.

Oh OP - I was in exactly your shoes 7 years ago, the only difference being that we had moved in together.

It won't seem like it now, but you WILL be okay, I promise. So much better than okay. You've had the rug pulled out from underneath you & it's a horrible shock. You just have to get past the grieving stage before it starts to feel a bit more normal.

The very best revenge is living well - with an MA under your belt, you'll be brilliantly prepared to do just that. You've already said that he's a bit of a no-hoper with no ambition; go and carry on showing him up!

At the moment the future looks a bit scary and uncertain as it's not what you envisaged - give it a couple of months and your life will look completely different but it will be YOURS. No more tiptoeing around a manchild who manipulates and bullies you. It will take you a while to work out what you want and what you need, but believe me, it's so much fun finding out

Ugh, I'm so sorry! I can only imagine how much worse it'd be if I'd moved in there.

A lot of it is shock though, we were supposed to be going on holiday together next week and I was moving in the week after, the fact that's just all gone poof (as well as my rock and 'best friend' going awol) is horrible. I have missed him physically a lot in the past few days but the new info about him and his ex speaking has stopped that. He never ceases to disgust me. He swore it was nothing to do with her but of course most of the stuff that comes out of his mouth is lies. I'll never know what was and what wasn't real. The most frustrating thing is wondering if he ever actually loved me or if I was just a side project until he could sack me off for his ex again. Arghhh.

I definitely plan to live better :) I can travel now too, something he never wanted to do, but I did. The future is wide open!!

You can do anything you want and go anywhere you want...the world is your oyster. Good Luck and stay in touch:)

I think this could escalated into full blown controlling abuse. Willing to take that risk?

I think so too, you know. I can't say for sure but some of his behaviours were definitely EA. It took a toll on me

Frustratingly, he text me yesterday, all very cryptic and saying how he cared about me and wanted to make sure I was okay - uhhh, obviously I'm not okay. Asked if we could talk and clear things up but didn't give any straight answers and then started to blank me again an hour or so later. Told me he'd been feeling shit and was only coping by distracting himself, I asked why as surely this is what he wanted? Hadn't he just given me a ton of reasons why I was a shit girlfriend? I thought you'd be happy? And then, regrettably, I sent about 4 unanswered texts after and I'm so humiliated and frustrated now, back to square 1 almost. I wasn't going to cave and text him but I couldn't ignore either (stupidly, I should have done). So I'm angry. I hate the silent treatment so much, it's so fucking horrible and unfair. Why text me first and ask to talk if only to plan to go silent again. I feel like it's all a power trip and the fact I had been staying away had made him want validation I still cared. He got it, so started ignoring me again.
At least that's what I think. I don't know anymore.

Blocking him would be rather liberating. Particularly now you know he's prowling around his ex again. He'll probably do the same to you in years to come.

You poor thing. Its been an enormous shock, youve been fuelled on adrenaline but now realisation and grief are kicking in. Its going to be very raw for a number of weeks before you start feeling any better, lovely. Just remember that is a completely normal way to be feeling and just keep reminding yourself about what a shitbag he is.. dont go back there again x