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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What should I do? DP disappearing after argument.

91 replies

coconutterly · 22/05/2017 14:00

On Saturday eve DP and I had a big but petty argument. It's not often we do that but it does happen occasionally, he'd just had a long day at work and I'm really stressed out finishing my masters, I feel like I've been permanently in a bit of a low mood recently. The 'argument' was both our faults. And fwiw I've been a bit low recently too as we're moving in together soon and spending 90% of our time at his place, most of that time he plays video games- I wanted Saturday afternoon off work to spend with him, we got back to his house and he immediately started gaming, as always. I suppose I was annoyed about that too which probably influenced my bad mood.

I had a lot of MA work to do (that was due today, it's finally over!) so I decided to go home, I still felt angry and didn't want to argue anymore, I felt like I needed a calm quiet place to work away from it all. He asked me not to go and said he was cooking me something for dinner, but I said it was probably better if I did because I needed to focus on my work and I didn't want to sit in another room knowing he was annoyed with me over something so silly. He said then that if I apologised we'd be fine, but I said I didn't want to apologise because it wasn't solely my fault at all - and DP seems obsessed with having me apologise, or accept blame for arguments/disagreements and I HATE it. So I left.

Yesterday morning I woke up feeling a bit mean about the whole thing so I texted to say I was sorry, I was angry and just needed a bit of space to do my work but I was genuinely sorry for what'd happened. He read the message and didn't respond. Ditto the next five messages I sent (they weren't long, just a line or two saying sorry/please talk to me/what's going on). I sent a message saying please just respond and tell me if you want more space, I'm just starting to worry. No response!

I was meant to be going over to his that evening anyway, so I still went at about 8pm and he wasn't there, his flatmate said he hadn't been there all day. It got to about 10pm and I started to get seriously quite worried/upset. It's not like him to maintain silence. I texted the few friends I thought he may be with, and all of them said they weren't with him. He did finally text back saying he was fine and would talk to me later.

He finally resurfaced this morning to say he was just really angry after what happened on Saturday and wanted a day to himself. I totally get that, of course, but it felt cruel to not just say that yesterday when I was going out of my mind with worry (and trying to finish a huge essay...).

I also am worried still because have no idea where he was all day. But I'm going to ask him tonight when I see him. I know on MN everyone is quick to say he's cheating but honestly I really really don't think that he was. I just am slightly baffled. I can say with faith I know he hasn't been seeing someone else already, so if it were that he'd been with another woman all day, it'd have had to all been arranged and happened in one day which seems just a bit Confused but that said, most of our friends are mutual and I can't think who he would've been with all day if none of them. That and the fact that he wouldn't answer the phone all day, and I know he's skint right now so I don't think he'd have gone out drinking all day too. Not sure if he knows i went round to his house or spoke to friends so at least if something awful has happened and he tries to cover it up, I'll know he's lying.

Was I overreacting to be upset about him ignoring me all day? Was me leaving on Saturday a really horrible thing to do? :( I suppose if he'd have done that to me I'd be raging.
I feel like maybe I was, because we are quite a 'close' couple and stay in contact a lot, see each other every day kind of thing.

OP posts:
sonjadog · 22/05/2017 16:40

Or... It could be the point where you take your future into your own hands and you tell him that his behaviour is not good enough for you?

Adora10 · 22/05/2017 16:43

Why are you continually letting him call the shots, even when you meet up, probably for him to punish you more.

Jesus woman, wise up, I know you think you are in love with him but look at the way he's behaving.

NellieFiveBellies · 22/05/2017 16:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sonjadog · 22/05/2017 17:17

Yes to what Nellie says. If you let him, it will be the evening where he points out everything that he has decided is wrong with you.

There is nothing wrong with you. Don´t let him make you feel bad about yourself. Don´t tie yourself in knots trying to please him.

BarbarianMum · 22/05/2017 17:22

Would it be such a bad thing if you did break up? I know its almost always painful when it happens but long-term?

Shayelle · 22/05/2017 17:35

Tell him fuck talking tomorrow. He talks now or youre done. So youre being forced to sit and wait at his whim for 24 hours for his 'talk'?! Fuck that, dump this game playing man child!!

HopeYourCakeIsShit · 22/05/2017 17:43

To be frank, I wouldn't even bother with the 'talk now or your'e done' line, just end it yourself. Yes initially it will be painful, but nowhere near as painful as it will be if it carries on. This one's going nowhere happy for you lovely.

AlternativeTentacle · 22/05/2017 17:43

Guess it might be out of my hands

Only if you let him lead on this. My advice would be to ditch him, and go out and find someone who doesn't play mind games with you.

He doesn't even want to spend time with you.

ravenmum · 22/05/2017 18:02

A summons!

NotTheFordType · 22/05/2017 18:34

Do adult men really spend time gaming? Really??!!

Yes, and so do adult women Hmm

You know just because you dislike something, doesn't make it somehow morally wrong, yeah? I personally can't stand TV but I don't sit around going "OMG do grown ups really watch Bake Off? Really?!"

But anyway, this guy is a dick and I think you're best off binning him off. His behaviour is designed to control you and punish you for not falling into line.

AnyFucker · 22/05/2017 18:38

Dump him before he dumps you

You can do a fuckload better than this. Your relationship sounds shit.

AhYerWill · 22/05/2017 18:52

Passive aggressive sulking and an inability to apologise (or even accept that occasionally things might be his fault) were the first two red flags I missed in a relationship that became horribly abusive. These days any man that even hints at behaviour like this would be fucked right off - there are plenty of men out there that aren't fucknuggets, why stay with one that is?

Whocansay · 22/05/2017 19:23

He's thoroughly enjoying making you suffer. He loved the power of you chasing him yesterday and he's enjoying the power of keeping you in suspense now. Fuck him off.

twattymctwatterson · 22/05/2017 19:24

This is just another way to punish you. He disappeared and blanked you all day, demands you take all the blame and now wants to talk - but not until tomorrow by which point you are in a terrible state. Tell him to fuck the fuck off and be glad you found out now

JK1773 · 22/05/2017 19:38

He sounds just like my ex. Exactly the same. I would think long and hard before living together. This behaviour won't improve

coconutterly · 22/05/2017 20:26

Hey everyone. Just wanted to say thank you for all the comments - looks like I overestimated him, because as it turns out he did cheat on me last night. He says it was 'just a kiss' but he slept at her house in her bed so obviously it was more than that. I don't want to think about ti anymore because it's making me feel sick/angry.

Obviously I'm done, have walked away, feel pretty broken but in a way relieved. At least now and not when we were living together, had kids etc. I just can't believe it. It's horrendous. Also pissed me off that he said we hadn't been happy/coupley lately - no fucking shit, all you do is play games and I was the one who tried to fix that. Fucking piece of shit.

OP posts:
insomniMax · 22/05/2017 20:29

Flowers OP. You're better off without him

NellieFiveBellies · 22/05/2017 20:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HmmOkay · 22/05/2017 20:32

Well done, OP.

I know it feels horrible but it really is for the best. And hang on to your anger - he was trying to shift the blame onto you for him shagging someone else last night. Despicable.

Cricrichan · 22/05/2017 20:38

Good riddance to him op. In a way, by cheating he's done you a favour as there can be no doubts in your mind. He sounds like a complete arse.

AnyFucker · 22/05/2017 20:59

Good riddance to bad rubbish. You will realise that when the dust settles.

He will come crawling back on his belly like the dog he is. I sincerely hope you tell him to fuck right off when he does.

MrsChopper · 22/05/2017 21:03

Good riddance, OP.

I know it hurts now, but in time you will look back and realise you have had a very lucky escape!

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 22/05/2017 21:07

Oh I'm sorry he's hurt you this way OP Flowers

Mom2K · 23/05/2017 00:04

Get out of this relationship.Get out now. This will only get worse. This is stonewalling and it's how you will be treated any time something pops up that you don't like and it will end up impacting your mental health. Don't settle for this, there are better men who don't behave this way

Mom2K · 23/05/2017 00:05

Just read your update - you are well rid, even if he hadn't cheated Flowers

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