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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What should I do? DP disappearing after argument.

91 replies

coconutterly · 22/05/2017 14:00

On Saturday eve DP and I had a big but petty argument. It's not often we do that but it does happen occasionally, he'd just had a long day at work and I'm really stressed out finishing my masters, I feel like I've been permanently in a bit of a low mood recently. The 'argument' was both our faults. And fwiw I've been a bit low recently too as we're moving in together soon and spending 90% of our time at his place, most of that time he plays video games- I wanted Saturday afternoon off work to spend with him, we got back to his house and he immediately started gaming, as always. I suppose I was annoyed about that too which probably influenced my bad mood.

I had a lot of MA work to do (that was due today, it's finally over!) so I decided to go home, I still felt angry and didn't want to argue anymore, I felt like I needed a calm quiet place to work away from it all. He asked me not to go and said he was cooking me something for dinner, but I said it was probably better if I did because I needed to focus on my work and I didn't want to sit in another room knowing he was annoyed with me over something so silly. He said then that if I apologised we'd be fine, but I said I didn't want to apologise because it wasn't solely my fault at all - and DP seems obsessed with having me apologise, or accept blame for arguments/disagreements and I HATE it. So I left.

Yesterday morning I woke up feeling a bit mean about the whole thing so I texted to say I was sorry, I was angry and just needed a bit of space to do my work but I was genuinely sorry for what'd happened. He read the message and didn't respond. Ditto the next five messages I sent (they weren't long, just a line or two saying sorry/please talk to me/what's going on). I sent a message saying please just respond and tell me if you want more space, I'm just starting to worry. No response!

I was meant to be going over to his that evening anyway, so I still went at about 8pm and he wasn't there, his flatmate said he hadn't been there all day. It got to about 10pm and I started to get seriously quite worried/upset. It's not like him to maintain silence. I texted the few friends I thought he may be with, and all of them said they weren't with him. He did finally text back saying he was fine and would talk to me later.

He finally resurfaced this morning to say he was just really angry after what happened on Saturday and wanted a day to himself. I totally get that, of course, but it felt cruel to not just say that yesterday when I was going out of my mind with worry (and trying to finish a huge essay...).

I also am worried still because have no idea where he was all day. But I'm going to ask him tonight when I see him. I know on MN everyone is quick to say he's cheating but honestly I really really don't think that he was. I just am slightly baffled. I can say with faith I know he hasn't been seeing someone else already, so if it were that he'd been with another woman all day, it'd have had to all been arranged and happened in one day which seems just a bit Confused but that said, most of our friends are mutual and I can't think who he would've been with all day if none of them. That and the fact that he wouldn't answer the phone all day, and I know he's skint right now so I don't think he'd have gone out drinking all day too. Not sure if he knows i went round to his house or spoke to friends so at least if something awful has happened and he tries to cover it up, I'll know he's lying.

Was I overreacting to be upset about him ignoring me all day? Was me leaving on Saturday a really horrible thing to do? :( I suppose if he'd have done that to me I'd be raging.
I feel like maybe I was, because we are quite a 'close' couple and stay in contact a lot, see each other every day kind of thing.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 23/05/2017 08:58

It's awful and horrendous but in a weird way it's good you've found out he's an abusive lying cheat!
You can now move on.
Give yourself some time though.
Don't rush anything.
Keep busy and look after yourself.

ravenmum · 23/05/2017 09:04

Pff, he was probably causing arguments so as to have a reason why he was eyeing up other women.

Joysmum · 23/05/2017 09:12

If he hadn't of cheated you'd have continued to accept his shit so I'm glad you're out of it now.

noova61 · 23/05/2017 11:24

Get yourself a great job, more money than him and live your life without him....hes not worth the air that you breathe. Better to find out now rather 5/10yrs down the line with kids involved...Good Luck for your future.

coconutterly · 23/05/2017 12:03

Thanks everyone, I'm trying to remind myself of all that now it's properly sinking in :( I just feel scared for some reason. Really scared.

What upset me the most was before he told me he sat me down and listed all these things apparently wrong with 'us', recently I haven't been happy and we've been drifting apart and the big kicker 'real relationships shouldn't need effort or work' just wow. Of course I've been stressed I've had so much work and so many deadlines recently :( I pay attention to them for a few weeks instead of paying all my attention to him and this is what happens. And I sat him down maybe a week ago and said I wanted us to start dating and making time for each other again because we had been drifting what with me always focusing on work recently, and him always playing games, and he happily agreed and then he's bringing it up like it's a new issue and as if I wasn't trying to fix it. What am I supposed to do? I genuinely think what he wanted from me was to just sit there and watch him game. He said he liked it when I was 'just there'. All this is a pretty big punishment for me storming off for one day. The one time I actively choose work over him (as in the choice was, stay and fix the argument or leave it for another day because of my essay) and this is what happens.
So sorry for the big ramble. Really starting to hurt now and I simultaneously want to punch and cuddle him :( arsehole.

OP posts:
coconutterly · 23/05/2017 12:04

Oh and the thought he's spouting this shit about me not being there enough and being 'distant' to people while he made such little effort with me makes me seethe.

OP posts:
littlefurrysheep · 23/05/2017 12:06

oh god please don't move in with him. what a manipulative, selfish wazock.

insomniMax · 23/05/2017 12:16

He's making you take the blame for him cheating. Do not let him.

Please think about what you would have done if the tables had been turned. If he was busy studying for a few weeks, would you have disappeared for a day, ignored his texts and then cheated? And then blamed him for it? Or would you have been supportive and just waited for him?

NellieFiveBellies · 23/05/2017 12:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BitOutOfPractice · 23/05/2017 12:50

All your fault then op that he cheated? How did I guess that would happen?

You'd worked out he was no good before it found out about the cheating though.

Cricrichan · 23/05/2017 12:55

Honestly op. You did what any logical non twatty person would do. He expected you to risk your grades so that you could sit next to him whilst he gamed?? Get. To. Fuck. like the Scots would say! I don't understand why you're still giving this any thought. He's a selfish loser. You're well rid and now he's someone else's problem.

YouOKHun · 23/05/2017 13:08

OP, my Dear, you have just dodged a massive bullet. I suspect, though things are tough today, you'll feel relieved in a relatively short space of time. Well done with your MA; perhaps he couldn't cope with your intestment in your own future Flowers

ravenmum · 23/05/2017 13:27

I pay attention to them for a few weeks instead of paying all my attention to him and this is what happens.
Nah, this very likely has nothing to do with anything you have said or done. It's the Script. Find another woman, then go back and find a "reason" why it is OK to cheat / dump your partner instantly. So that this is not him being a leery lowlife, it is him being your poor victim who was forced into another woman's arms.

Really, don't eat up this poison soup he's cooked for you.

BitOutOfPractice · 23/05/2017 13:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BitOutOfPractice · 23/05/2017 13:35

Oops sorry wrong thread! Blush

coconutterly · 23/05/2017 17:03

Thank you youokhun, at least I have got through the degree before this :(

I also think you're right about the investment in future thing. He is very lazy and has been in the same shitty job since I met him and is always just about to leave, never has. I'm really not selling him here but I promise he has redeeming features. He's one of those people that's so so stupidly nice, lovely and charming on the exterior.

I'm really struggling. Last night was ok cause I still felt angry but that's gone now and I'm just very very sad. My friend made a comment like he should be trying to win me back but actually he just left me crying on a bench after we talked about it and said he cant hurt me anymore and doesnt want to go through repairing the relationship after what he's done. It didnt really occur to me that it would be so easy for him to leave me. I didn't really take into account that he no longer wants to be with me (says he does, but I think he's just trying to save my feelings further). Obviously he's had his time with me and I'm not worth trying to salvage or sort through anything. In a way it's good. It just really really hurts.

OP posts:
Shayelle · 23/05/2017 17:17

This is NOT your fault. Please dont listen to his nasty crap. Hes a cheating loser and you will see in time you can do waaaay better. I think all of us see this but you dont right now. Its easy to see clearly from the outside looking in. Just keep breathing, one foot in front of the other, look after yourself as youve had a nasty shock. Seriously hes a nasty twat and its a good thing for you thats hes done this, in the long run Flowers

Bonez · 23/05/2017 17:20

Sounds like a man-child. You'll do loads better without him dragging you down. It won't be long until you feel better about it all Smile

crazykitten20 · 23/05/2017 19:24

Oh sweetheart. You are blessed to have discovered this now. You are being watched over by a wonderful angel !

It doesn't seem like that to you , of course, and you feel scared - of course. But please please believe me when I say this will pass and you will realise how lucky you are to have found all this out now.

Fmlgirl · 24/05/2017 13:14

You sound great and he sounds like a loser. Now you can live your life and find someone better who treats you with respect.

FizzyGreenWater · 24/05/2017 13:32

He's no more capable of trying to fix any relationship (or indeed, not wrecking one in the first place, or of investing in it properly so that it doesn't become wrecked) than he is of having the balls to leave his job or the character to stop wasting his life playing games.

He's a loser, in short - and he's going to end up in this same situation time and time again, loftily 'walking away' from each and every problem after a few seconds philosophising how it's everyone else's fault really. Until maybe he reaches middle age and begins to work out why he isn't further forward in his career, his relationships, his life goals.

By then of course you'll almost certainly be light years away from him in every sense.

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time but very glad you're out of a relationship with this silly messer - total waste of time.

FatOldBag · 24/05/2017 13:49

OP, this guy is a total fucking loser and the relationship was beyond shit. He wanted a fucking babysitter to sit a watch him game, not a life partner. Please, please, please raise your standards a lot and move on.

CondensedMilkSarnies · 24/05/2017 13:49

I know you're hurting now but it will pass. Keep yourself really really busy, go out with friends , do lots of housework, go to the gym.

He's a shit and you're well rid.

picklemepopcorn · 24/05/2017 14:25

Honestly, reread your thread and find your anger again. I can't believe someone who appears nice can be so horrible. Fancy deliberately risking your studies- sabotage. He has deliberately made it your fault that he can't have exactly what he wants all the time. So he tries to make you apologise. Rude and selfish.

WaitingYetAgain · 24/05/2017 21:16

You don't want a relationship with a man who walks out on you (by his disappearing/not answering) after a petty argument and cheats on you by kissing and sharing a bed with another woman!

Not to mention that he sounds like a man child who expects you to babysit him whilst he games.

Most normal people would be supportive of their partner finishing their Masters. Seriously, they'd be bending over backwards to help them get through those last few weeks.

I'm actually angry for you!

Where did he find this woman? Confused