Told the children we're separating - what now?

[Whathappensnowthen]

My husband and I have been separated for months but still living together. The children have witnessed a lot of arguments but didn't know we were splitting up till we told them today.

Due to it being a joint mortgage and us agreeing that one of us should live here and take the mortgage on as it's the only house the children have known,we both looked into buying the other out. However, as I will be the primary carer for the children,they counted 'against' my earnings and the mortgage company wouldn't lend me enough to buy my husband out. So he is in the process of buying me out and the children and I will be moving in with my parents in 2 weeks time.

We have tried to explain to the children that we both love them all and that, whilst we no longer love each other we still 'like' each other and so will still be doing birthdays, Christmas etc as a family. We will also try to be frequent visitors to each others places (at least to start with) to soften the blow for the children.

However, they have been crying this evening saying they don't want to leave the house. They said they just want us to stop arguing. It's about more than arguments of course - my husband has an alcohol problem that he refuses to acknowledge and I've had enough. The children rarely saw him drunk though, thankfully, but most nights it's the same old routine of children in bed then start drinking. I feel like I have been single for years as his drinking has been very isolating.

I am unsure what to do next. We want to reassure the children that everything will be ok, but there will undoubtedly be more tears and I want to make sure we say/do the right things. Does anyone have any pearls of wisdom they would care to share?

You both need childcare. Not just you. There's some odd beliefs behind your thinking here OP. What does your DH think about all of this? How can he possibly think it's okay for them to have to move out?

Really, go and see a solicitor or you're seriously going to end up regretting it.

Alice, I have already seen a solicitor for my free half hour. It is the only solicitor to deal with marital/children issues in a 20 mile radius (I live in a small country town). Even if I could find another solicitor, I cannot afford to pay for one. I mentioned that several comments back - I was told to pay for it with a credit card (that I can't afford). Seriously, despite our wealth 'on paper' we have absolutely no spare cash and no savings. I really cannot stress that enough. If I had the money to pay for a solicitor, I would have paid a deposit and started renting a long time ago. Perhaps in larger towns or cities there is more choice available with regards solicitors and the like - no such option here. Apparently there used to be free or subsidised legal assistance for people in my situation, but that isn't the case any more.

Fair point about the tax credits though. Buy-out has gone through now though and he will have no spare cash, so not much I can do about that now. However, it was my understanding that the childcare element is reduced the more you earn, so I may not be getting that much towards it anyway, given my earnings.

Childcare costs are a bitch so you have my sympathies. Despite others disagreeing with your choice to move out etc, its clearly a done deal.
Children are resilient and of course their world has been turned upside down but once they get used to their new routine, they will bounce back. As long as they can see that both parents are amicable and happier apart, it can only benefit them,.

So he'll have a house, and you have responsibility for kids AND childcare costs...

But I will have money in the bank - my half of the equity in the property, whereas he won't. Enough at least to start renting.

That will affect your entitlement to tax credits, won't it? And it will deplete whereas his will likely continue to increase.

According to HMRC, there is no capital limit for tax credit purposes ie you can have as much money in the bank as you want, it is based purely on your actual income. However, if you earn more than £300 in interest per year, you have to declare that and interest earned above that amount would affect tax credits.

This will change when Universal Credit comes into force (approx next February for me, but being rolled out at varying times around the country). In the case of UC you will be expected to use some/all of your savings (not sure on limits yet), so I will either need to have bought a new place or spent a large part of it by next February otherwise yes, it will affect my claim.

I really hope it all works out for you OP.

Bloody hell you've screwed your self over.
3 kids in one room, 1 in with you with another?
All upset about leaving their home?

Well here's an idea for you... if the buy out is a don't deal, how about you and the 4 kids stay in his roomy house in familiar surroundings, whilst he rents a room from your parents at very preferential rates?
For the next 6 months until you have sorted out your benefit claims (and honestly I'd say until after you know what's going on with UC) and buying a new house.

How about one person moves out - the one person who is anyway sometimes working away - instead of five, four of them children who would probably be better off with some stability and not being crammed into a new home that isn't even their own home?

And all the while he's earning more than £60K.

I can't believe an intelligent woman has let all this happen without legal advice. Free 30 mins doesn't cut it. How much does your husband spend on alcohol per month? Bet that would have covered some of the legal fees.

No advice on housing etc. but reassurance that yes, of course the DCs are upset but in the long run it can be fine. I was nearly 13 and my brother was 9 when my parents separated. Although I would love it if they were still together (logistics would be much easier! ) I genuinely think we have the next best thing.

For a time my parents took us out together/ my dad came round for tea. In fact he probably made more of an effort to spend time with us than before.... however as new partners became involved this went by the wayside - please don't promise this to the children as a permanent arrangement.

What my parents did to make things smooth were....

• always made it clear that theit decision was to do with their relationship with each other and that we were still loved completely by both of them.
• never slagged each other off to us (I am not sure I would be as good, but it actually really helped)
• still communicated with each other about us.
• I know this last one is beyond your control but I always felt my dad would help my mum out in financial or practical ways if necessary (in fact this is still the case even though my brother and I left home years ago!).

Although I wouldn't invite just my mum, dad and stepmum round together for a meal (hence the logistical problem.... DH and I have 3 sets of parents to keep happy) they are amicable and get on fine when we have parties.

Reading be your posts, it sounds as though guilt over leaving your dh is clouding your judgment OP.

Perhaps past circumstances are coming into force here (you repeatedly say that your stbxh is close to retirement, however the ages of your dcs suggest you are much younger) and it's admirable that you don't wish to "screw him over" just because you don't live him anymore.

However...

Your dcs come first. And frankly it is amazing that their father thinks it right to turf you all out of the family home.

It really isn't OP. However you look at it.

Ffs typos!

Hopefully you'll read between the lines, and the spirit intended.

Of course your children will be upset for the first few days, weeks. But you are doing the right thing I had friends like this with an alcoholic mother and the children and father left the mother a few years ago, he will only get worse and worse. She actually died yesterday. You should take your children and give them a better life with you and let them see him when he's sober and capable.

OP is an accountant, she is clearly an intelligent woman, her question is about kids, not finances. Get back to point.