Told the children we're separating - what now?

[Whathappensnowthen]

My husband and I have been separated for months but still living together. The children have witnessed a lot of arguments but didn't know we were splitting up till we told them today.

Due to it being a joint mortgage and us agreeing that one of us should live here and take the mortgage on as it's the only house the children have known,we both looked into buying the other out. However, as I will be the primary carer for the children,they counted 'against' my earnings and the mortgage company wouldn't lend me enough to buy my husband out. So he is in the process of buying me out and the children and I will be moving in with my parents in 2 weeks time.

We have tried to explain to the children that we both love them all and that, whilst we no longer love each other we still 'like' each other and so will still be doing birthdays, Christmas etc as a family. We will also try to be frequent visitors to each others places (at least to start with) to soften the blow for the children.

However, they have been crying this evening saying they don't want to leave the house. They said they just want us to stop arguing. It's about more than arguments of course - my husband has an alcohol problem that he refuses to acknowledge and I've had enough. The children rarely saw him drunk though, thankfully, but most nights it's the same old routine of children in bed then start drinking. I feel like I have been single for years as his drinking has been very isolating.

I am unsure what to do next. We want to reassure the children that everything will be ok, but there will undoubtedly be more tears and I want to make sure we say/do the right things. Does anyone have any pearls of wisdom they would care to share?

Why are they only "your" childcare costs; surely that's a shared expense.

I have no experience of this so never post on the threads but you have four children under nine yrs and it is you and them who are having to move out ?? He's hardly Mr Chivalrous is he?

Sorry that didn't sound as supportive as intended! Think you are being too nice op. Feel on your behalf.

We are in thousands in debt, we literally do not have two pennies to rub together right now. The idea of adding a rent to our existing outgoings is impossible. I saw a solicitor. He told me to take out a credit card to pay his fees which I am not prepared to do as I have no way to pay off a credit card right now. In my free consultation he outlined the different options, this was one of them. The other was to sell the house, which I do not want to do.

The tax credit people wanted me to prove I am supporting myself and said they wanted to see bills in my sole name - not possible as it's a joint property! They wanted to see my bank account - again, joint, therefore I was refused. They also didn't believe my childcare costs and wanted invoices and copies of bank statements to prove the cost and that I was paying it. I had been told by them back in January that if I could prove husband and I were living separate lives in the same house, that would be sufficient,but apparently that information was wrong. They said I needed to move out and support myself first, but I said I can't do that without tax credits! So they advised the children and I to stay with someone and then out a claim in, so that's what we're doing.

The paperwork has already been signed for the buy-out, so as I say, I'm just looking for info regarding helping the children, thanks.

OP - what will the custody arrangements be when you move to your parents? How often will the kids go to Dads?

Give your DC time. When STBXH and I told our two the older one was immediately upset. It took a couple of weeks for him to process the information and start asking questions.
When I found a house to move to at first he hated it. It was empty and souless in his eyes, yet a safe haven and blank canvass of potential to me. Once we finally moved in and made it ours he was much happier and is now well settled.

Giving him space, both emotionally and literally (in the house) has helped ease the pain.

DC2 is younger and while sad breezed through the actual seperation and move (I anticipate problems later on)

One thing I recommend is not to make promises about family occasions. When we first split we agreed to keep it amicable, do Christmas together etc. STBXH started being a dick when he realised I wasn't going to continue pandering to him and last cuntmas was the worst one of my life. We barely spoke at DC1's birthday party and I'm dreading DC2's upcoming birthday. Children aren't stupid and pick up on bad vibes.

And yes speak to all schools childcare providers. DC's school have been amazing.

Asking this to help with your actual question regarding helping the kids!

Doing family things together can be confusing for children so I'd be wary of promising that, see how things go. It doesn't suit everyone.

I think we are all staggered that you are moving with 4 children whilst your H stays put.
I an imagine with work, debts, 4 children and an alcoholic husband you are just trying to get away.
50:50 in this case with 4 dependants isn't realistic, its a starting point but the childrens needs are top priority.
I saw many solicitors before I instructed mine as like any profession it's down to the individual.

Finances won't be 'done' until you are divorced however.
Maybe you need the respite at your parents to think through everything but please don't rush the finances, a year from now you maybe thinking differently.

You have received shockingly bad legal advice OP but you seem intent on following it.

Your poor kids are about to undergo an incredible amount of upheaval and all you can do is remain consistent and solid. Definitely involve school.
Think twice about trying to play happy families when you and your Ex are still arguing. The sooner that the children get used to the new 'normal', the sooner they will hopefully start to adjust.

My husband works long hours and is often away (sometimes abroad) on business, so a formal custody arrangement is going to be tricky. However, when he's here he will be collecting them from nursery/childminder every Friday evening and may have some/all the children on Saturday night too, depending on which clubs the children are attending on the Sunday (husband normally takes 2 of them to rugby first thing Sunday morning).

For those of you who mentioned about the children being a joint 'expense', you are right of course, but mortgage companies don't see it like that unfortunately. Apparently they argue that the person in receipt of child benefit, tax credits etc is the person for whom the cost of living must be set against. So in mortgage terms the costs is fully allocated to me as the resident parent. That's just how it works I'm afraid.

Karma, we have very little equity. Husband has basically had to apply for a much bigger mortgage to buy me out - the amount he has borrowed is the absolute maximum he is allowed to borrow. He is fairly close to retirement age, so his borrowing power is very limited anyway, it just so happens that, with 4 dependents against my name, his borrowing power is still better than mine.

I would have loved to go to other solicitors but we have no money and no-one/nowhere to borrow from, so it is a moot point. Either way, if we do not have the money to rent somewhere in addition to paying the mortgage, it doesn't matter how fair or unfair the situation is, we're stuck with it.

Thank you for all the advice re the children. I intend to be as calm as I can be and just maintain routine and 'normal' as far as possible. Eldest has been the most upset, but it is encouraging to hear how resilient children can be. I hope this proves to be the case here.

Who researched mortgages for you? Again, the information you received is not applicable to all morgage lenders.

Your H would however could give you more money to offset costs and mortgage companies can take into account Csa payments.

You are the primary carer..if he's away a lot his housing needs are surely less.Why can't he pay the mortgage and live with parents or rent a small place? It would only be for a few years whilst childcare costs are still high or until debts are reduced.

Please don't stress as you may just want to move on but the law is there to help mums like you in this situation.The children often stay at home specifically because it's less disruptive to them which helps everyone.

I wouldn't move out. I did that and it's my biggest regret ever. If you're the primary carer, then 50/50 equity is more than likely off the table. It is even possible that you could walk away with 100% of the equity.

Your childcare costs will presumably drop dramatically over the next 2.5 years. You could agree with your husband that the mortgage remains as it is for now, he moves out, you pay the mortgage and when you can obtain a new mortgage when your childcare costs drop, you release him from the current mortgage at that time.

Hello, we are on a fixed rate with our existing provider and to exit this would cost thousands. In addition, we are on preferential rates due to being long-standing and very good customers, something that would not apply if we were to move providers. Just for info, I am an accountant myself, so I am not being pushed into an agreement I don't understand or bamboozled with numbers.

Even if a solicitor told me I should have 70% equity, if my husband cannot get a mortgage for a large enough amount, how is he supposed to pay it? Are you suggesting I bankrupt him because I 'deserve' more? Would that benefit the children? My childcare costs are primarily after-school costs, so will not go down until the children leave school, so no time soon. My husband's parents are elderly and very far away, so he couldn't stay with them every if he wanted to.

We are trying to keep things amicable, despite the arguments. My husband really has no more money to give me - I should know, I manage our cashflow.

Karma, with husband borrowing the amount he needs to give me the equity we have agreed on, he will be left with £40 per week for food and essentials. The mortgage payments will be HUGE for him. He will have no spare money.

I am in an identical situation in terms of reason for split from my high functioning alcoholic husband. I am luckier in the practical details.

As far as helping the children, I found the Relate book on this subject to be really good. And it was good for helping me with my own feelings too.

The 'agreement' is completely understandable. I'm not suggesting that you don't understand it but I do feel that there is a lot of information and advice that you haven't researched. The legal and divorce forums on MN hold a wealth of information.

The fact is that this is potentially not the the best thing for your children and there are plenty of legal channels and other agreements that could be made to ensure that their wellbeing is maximised. Childrens housing needs will ALWAYS take precedence and decent family law solicitors will help with that.

I respect that you have made your decision though and I genuinely wish you and your children all the best.

I think it's hardest for older children because they have a greater understanding of the hurt you and him could be feeling.

Very important to let eldest know you are both happy and fulfilled and not lonely with your new lives. As an adult I'd be devastated to think of either of my parent without their partners living alone. They may even probably worry about dad more as he's the one who is alone.

It's not at all unusual for the husband's share to be held in the house until the youngest child turns 18. The priority here is the children, not your husband.

No knowledge whatsoever about the legalities of the house OP, but have been a child in this situation so will focus on that bit of your first post.

You and ex have known this for months, to the children the bomb just fell. They need time to get their heads around it, the shock is tremendous, everything they thought they knew has just shifted. I still remember 30 years later the utter black hole of realisation that a parent who loved you could leave and not live with you.

They need to have the conversations with you both about please don't, please just fix it, of course they don't want anything to change and this is going to be an enormous change and rupture in their lives. This is going to be very hard for you to hear from them, its very upsetting for you, but the thing to remember is that you don't need to make promises or offer solutions or try to fix it. It's about giving them your listening- both of you together as much as possible - letting them know that you hear and understand their feelings, and that they are right. It would be so nice if you and dad could just fix it. It is so sad that you can't. It's scary to think about not living here any more. But it's yours and Daddy's job to help them handle these changes. You can also talk about what life will look like for them on the other side of this. They need information that they can hang on to, the little concrete things. Where will they sleep when they're with whichever parent. What do they do if they need to talk to the parent they're not with. Will they get to see daddy/mummy's new house when it's being chosen. And yes, lots and lots of reassurance that they are loved by both of you, that you will get through this as a family and while it's hard and sad when parents divorce, it means the children have two happy parents who can make sure they have a happy, calm home, and everyone will be better off for it.

If you and ex can start now taking them out to do some small nice alone, instead of as a couple, that will also help them start to get their heads around what this is going to feel like. Not huge treats or unusual different things which makes this time even more unlike their usual lives, but your normal small fun things with them, like going for a walk or to a playground.

Your old ones may be very sad and quiet for a while, or angry. They need to grieve for the family they had. It can help to let school know, so they can support the children emotionally - I had a wonderful teacher who helped me a lot. And it's finding the balance between hearing the feelings, accepting that they are normal reactions to a sad event, but keeping a positive focus on the future and not letting your boundaries slip so those hard feelings turn into pushing behaviour boundaries. I had a go at this as a child and so did siblings. It's like your world has changed so much you want to check where all the lines are and what you can get away with. Especially when you're angry with your parents. We all came through it ok, it does pass.

So sorry you as a family are going through this.