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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

sad little love story

35 replies

nameandgamechange · 20/05/2017 09:08

I've been in a loving relationship with an abused married man for seven years. He tried to leave his wife for me once but the result was catastrophic; he had a breakdown. We weren't able to communicate for over two years, and then finally got together again over my daughter's health (as well as being the love of my life, he is my oldest and best friend; we've known each other since childhood). All our meetings were secret and he took enormous risks to see me & the children whenever possible. However, he could not, or would not, make love to me. Not so much for moral reasons but rather out of fear. So I've not had sex since 2011. He suddenly ended the relationship entirely several months ago. I'm heartbroken, devastated and hope that this abrupt separation will give him the courage to leave a physically and emotionally abusive marriage.

I'm well into middle age and miss having sex. I'm not at all interested in a new relationship but I'm worried I'll never have sex again. I haven't dated since 1993. I know nothing of dating sites or even tinder, which frankly intimidates me. Can anyone advise me?

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 20/05/2017 09:11

Advice?

  1. Stay away from married men
  1. Look for the dating thread on here - you'll get a really good feel for how it works (including the reality and pitfalls) of on line dating
Original poster
nameandgamechange · 20/05/2017 09:29

Yes, I agree re married men or married anyone. I don't need a lecture on immorality; I was hoping for some support.Confused

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 20/05/2017 09:35

Well then see point 2 Hmm which will lead to a lot of support through modern dating.

AhYerWill · 20/05/2017 09:46

Get some counselling to understand why you would accept this 'half life' for so long. People with healthy boundaries and self-esteem don't accept the crumbs from another woman's table, even if she were the devil incarnate (which sadly is a lie peddled in the vast majority of affairs).

If you want a healthy relationship (and sex) you need the ability to walk away from men who are not offering you what you want or need, even if you love/pity them.

crazykitten20 · 20/05/2017 09:52

I'd very much question that you were in a 'loving' relationship with said allegedly abused man.

I think he sounds like a manipulative toss pot. And believe me I've met a few of those.

Maybe you like being controlled? Maybe it makes you feel safe? Maybe it's something you know deep down from your childhood? I have no clue but imo you need to work out why you'd put up with him running the show - then you'll be able to move on.

No judgement because I've been (almost) in your shoes and it took ages to work out the why of it.

Guavaf1sh · 20/05/2017 11:17

It is a sad story but I'm not sure it's a love story. I think this is the wake up call you might need to make a clean break and move on. Good luck with finding real love

jeaux90 · 20/05/2017 11:46

Namechange. Does he have children? I would think if he does and she really is abusive then there is no way he would want to be leave them alone with her.

If that is not the reason then I think it's possible you have been strung along and this break is a good opportunity for you to move on.

Affairs are not black and white and I can see why abused people in marriages have them. It's often the catalyst that finally gets them to leave.

Xxx

Original poster
nameandgamechange · 20/05/2017 11:58

No, he has no children of his own. He wanted to be stepfather to mine. They loved him. He is truly an abused man - hard to believe but I have evidence, as does the rest of his family. The only way he can get out is to gather his courage - again - and leave.

I can't imagine having sex with someone else, even just for sex. Not yet, anyway.

Thanks to those who refuse to accept that all "cheating"
husbands (or wives) are amoral, immoral, selfish liars. Most are, but there are exceptions. Anyone who has lived in constant fear for their lives, at the mercy of an abusive spouse or partner, will understand how difficult, even impossible, it is to leave.

OP posts:
Justbreathing · 20/05/2017 12:01

Him ending It is probably the kindest thing he's done for you.
No matter how awful his life is, he can't keep you trapped in a half life. It's not fair for you.
He has made his decision to stay for what ever reason, and if he has children it might be primarily for them, it might be the wrong decision and he might regret it, but it's his decision to make, sadly we can't force anyone to leave an unhappy abusive situation, no matter our type of relationship with them.
I have been through something similar if you want to Pm me.

Justbreathing · 20/05/2017 12:02

Sorry crossed post re the children
But the bottom line is you can't save anyone they have to save themselves
Including you

Huskylover1 · 20/05/2017 12:07

If he wanted to leave her he would. He doesn't want to.

He was never your boyfriend, as there was no sex. He was a friend. And he's now decided to distance himself, for reasons only he knows.

What kind of abuse was it? I'm not sure I believe him, sorry.

Badliar · 20/05/2017 12:08

Sorry it doesn't sound like a sad little love story as he doesn't appear to love you.

You talk about him meeting you in secret as if that is a positive thing.

Why do you think he is still with his wife? Why has he not had sex with you when you are up for it? And why has he broken up with you?

Changedname3456 · 20/05/2017 12:33

"What kind of abuse was it? I'm not sure I believe him, sorry."

Nice. What don't you believe? That men can't suffer abusive relationships or that people in abusive relationships (male or female) don't find it hard to leave?

Have you not read about men and women who stay with their abusive partners for years? Who, for a number of varying reasons can't see a way out, whether kids are involved or not?

I've been there. Not for seven years, fortunately, but I was physically and sexually assaulted. Nearly lost my job, was put through a shit load of EA, had my friends cut out of my life (or rather allowed that to happen).

I (the man, no dc involved) stayed for a lot of different, changing and sometimes conflicting reasons. At first, because I felt an LTR was "for better or worse," and that what she'd then done was a short term blip. Then because I thought it was down to grief, then because I couldn't see where I'd go... and a lot more besides.

I reported to the Police, once I got over the shame of being the man and yet the victim. Three times, including very obvious injuries, and they couldn't have been less interested in helping me. EVERY SINGLE TIME.

So I won't automatically disbelieve someone (of either sex) who won't get out of a relationship/marriage, despite that being the screamingly obvious thing they should do, who tells me they're being abused. If he's had the opportunity to sleep with OP and turned her down then, tbh, that reinforces it for me because otherwise, if it was a sympathy ploy, he'd have had the physical affair.

Justbreathing · 20/05/2017 12:52

Changename - you are right, and sometimes on here people like to put their own personal agenda on the situation.

We can only go from what the OP has said, and believe her story.
Even if he's a liar and has strung her along, that's not her story, and if she's known him all her life pretty much I'm sure she does know the truth to a certain extent.
She hasn't said "I met some bloke at a work conference 7 years ago and he's told me he's being abused"
She said I've known him since childhood and she and his family have evidence of abuse.

I thought we were here to help people who need it and who reach out for it.

Huskylover1 · 20/05/2017 13:34

I didn't say abuse doesn't happen, but I think in this case he has strung her along. He has no kids. He does have somewhere to go (Op would have him). And yet he actively chooses to stay. It's a bit like "my wife doesn't understand me".

jeaux90 · 20/05/2017 13:35

Husky how often have you seen posts on here about women in abusive relationships with no kids and they don't feel they can leave? Do you doubt them?

AnyFucker · 20/05/2017 13:37

The only sad thing here is how much of your life you have wasted on someone who, for whatever reason, is unable to prioritise you over his own needs

Changedname3456 · 20/05/2017 14:09

I didn't say abuse doesn't happen, but I think in this case he has strung her along. He has no kids. He does have somewhere to go (Op would have him). And yet he actively chooses to stay. It's a bit like "my wife doesn't understand me".

Jesus, keep on digging that hole Husky and I sincerely pray you never find yourself in the same situation.

It's not AT ALL like "my wife doesn't understand me" - it's not even on the same continent, let alone in the same ballpark. You think my parents wouldn't have taken me back home? Or that my siblings wouldn't? Or that (a lot of, not all) other people in abusive relationships don't have boltholes available?

The first statement was bad enough, I'd give up trying to justify yourself now.

Justbreathing · 20/05/2017 14:16

There are plenty of women on this forum stuck in abusive marriages
Some of them have even said how meeting someone else had made them realise their lives weren't normal
Some of them still stayed.
I don't see why it's different for a man.

OP - it's incredibly sad that things didn't work out as you'd hope, but you have to fight for yourself now.
You can have a happy future. You might always love him, but you can't make his choices for him.
Maybe one day he might leave. But you can't wait for him. Don't let it be 2 lives wasted.

HappyJanuary · 20/05/2017 15:33

The women stuck in abusive marriages on here are usually stuck because they have nowhere to go, are financially dependent or fear losing their children.

This man has a loving woman, new home and two children he cares for to run to.

For me, his story doesn't ring true.

HildaOg · 20/05/2017 15:40

A man may stay in an abusive marriage if there are children he feels an overwhelming desire to protect but no man will stay with an abusive marriage when there are no ties and there's a woman waiting patiently with a warm bed and happy life awaiting... He's with his wife because he prefers her to you. He probably told her how you're psycho, never left him alone, guilt tripped him and manipulated him into an affair... And he was so sorry🙄 He was playing both of you, you moreso.

For future reference;

Married men who have affairs are liars. They lie to their wife, they're most certainly lying to you.

They'll make up all sorts of lies; my wife doesn't have sex with me, she's psycho, abusive, mean, cruel, nagging, we're separated, I'm only here for the kids... What they really mean is they want a thrill/easy sex/a chase/someone silly to play with/control...

When you're OLD you'll meet a lot of married or otherwise attached men feeding you nonsense. If you're open to believing it you're going to waste many more years of your life.

The best advice is to have some standards and believe peoples actions, words are worth only the actions accompanying them.

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 20/05/2017 15:46

I don't need a lecture on immorality

You do OP, you just don't want one.

OxanyLoxy · 20/05/2017 15:51

I agree with Husky

I'm sorry OP but this doesn't make any sense.

He has no children with her? So no reason to stay if he's being abused. He loves you? And wants to be a father to your children and can be with you whenever he wants, as There's nothing holding him back. But he remains in a marriage to an abusive woman when you are ready and waiting for him? I'd say the same about a woman.

So he's choosing to be with a horribly abusive woman he doesn't love, over you, the love of his life? And there's no real reason for this? Has he tried to get counselling for this abuse? Has he even attempted to be with you? He may be being abused but if he Is choosing to stay with her, even though he has support from his family and yourself, it's because he wants to be with her. I've been in an abusive relationship and Stockholm syndrome is a real thing but I really think he's stringing you along.

jouu · 20/05/2017 15:56

I think you've been strung along in this situation for a scarily long time. I'm wondering whether you don't think much of yourself? I'm sorry your friend has been in an abusive marriage, but it really wasn't appropriate or healthy for you to keep your whole life on hold because of what he was going through...?

I encourage you to get onto the dating thread and start expanding your horizons a little. You don't have to have sex with anyone, just date a bit, get to know other people for a while.