sad little love story

[nameandgamechange]

I've been in a loving relationship with an abused married man for seven years. He tried to leave his wife for me once but the result was catastrophic; he had a breakdown. We weren't able to communicate for over two years, and then finally got together again over my daughter's health (as well as being the love of my life, he is my oldest and best friend; we've known each other since childhood). All our meetings were secret and he took enormous risks to see me & the children whenever possible. However, he could not, or would not, make love to me. Not so much for moral reasons but rather out of fear. So I've not had sex since 2011. He suddenly ended the relationship entirely several months ago. I'm heartbroken, devastated and hope that this abrupt separation will give him the courage to leave a physically and emotionally abusive marriage.

I'm well into middle age and miss having sex. I'm not at all interested in a new relationship but I'm worried I'll never have sex again. I haven't dated since 1993. I know nothing of dating sites or even tinder, which frankly intimidates me. Can anyone advise me?

There's one hell of a lot of over-reaching going on here, with very little evidence for it, not to mention the massive stereotyping about men in abusive relationships. Actually, about men in general.

I'm damn glad this site didn't exist when I was going through that shit in my life.

I think you do deserve a lecture on morality, first of all you've labelled this as a love story when it should say "Affair I'm the other woman" .You imply the Wife does not deserve her Husband because she is abusive, how exactly do you know this ?, please don't tell me you're friends with them.If you don't know her, you only have his word for it, he can paint whatever picture he likes to justify his cheating and it is still cheating despite the fact he's not give you one.I also find it strange that if he is being abused he is not running to someone who shows him attention because it provides a get out card and a warm bed.I think you're deluded.

There is no need to be so rude changedname

And, fwiw, I have been in an abusive relationship. Generally low level stuff, like pushing, slapping, kicking, which escalated to full on assaults when I said I was leaving him. I had no-one/nowhere to go to. My family are 350 miles away and my job could not move there. I found somewhere else to live and I left. I was single, there was no OM waiting with a lovely home and warm bed for me.

Had my now (lovely) DH been there at that time, with accommodation for me to instantly move in to, I would have been able to leave much sooner and not have to stick around for the beatings whilst I sorted out my move.

So, yeah, I am not entirely sure that the story this guy is telling is true. He has an easy exit route. He chooses not to take it. Why?

And how many times have we heard of men describing their wives as crazy psycho's, in order to garner some sympathy from OW. It's the oldest trick in the book.

Jesus Christ. Changed if I was you I wouldn't read anymore of this thread. There are some real planks around who can't begin to empathise with your story. (I was also in an abusive relationship and it doesn't give me the right to judge others or the way they react and behave)

The OP said she had evidence he was being abused so don't you think she deserves her story listened to and believed?

But OP you probably do need to take this opportunity to move on. It's sad I know but until he is ready to face up to his situation and deal with it then you have to focus on you.

Abusers pull all sorts of tricks to keep you under control and you might not ever understand the hold she has. She may know something about him she has threatened to disclose if he leaves or any number of things that might have accounted for his break down. So sorry x

His work is dependent on her at this time. Without employment, without an income, he can't hope to be happy. We went through this the first time he dared to leave. He should be getting citizenship soon, though. But this woman has threatened him with a knife, has slapped, punched, bitten & scratched. I've seen the evidence.

He can't make love to me because he believes she would know. If she found out he'd made love to me again, or any other woman, she would kill him. Whether or not she'd actually do it is moot because he believes she would.

I really think you should stop focusing on him and what he's going through.

You need to remove all traces of him from your life and work hard at moving on. Really you do. This isn't a fairy story, this is your one and only life. You only get one...

You could always get your own relationship, instead of trying to poach someone else's.

Just a thought.

OP you need try and crack on with your own life. For your sake and also for his if he ever leaves. Please don't make your happiness depend on him. Some people never leave abusers.

Walter, poach? Is that really necessary? Projecting much are we?

I'm not quite sure whys he's waiting for citizenship if you've known him since childhood? And you're both Middle Aged
But in Anycase he's decided to stay with her and you've got to get on with your life which is easier said than done. Maybe in the future if you're both available at the same time you can reconnect
But don't put your life on hold.
7 years is a long time

I assume we're talking about an original birthplace outside the U.K. The one that would spring to mind would be the Indian subcontinent, which is where OP and this guy could have known each other from.

Regardless of exactly where he originates from, if his English isn't great, he doesn't yet have full citizenship and she controls his employment (and presumably he feels trapped in this as his only source of income) then that would explain a lot of why he's not left.

I've seen some very similar posts from women trapped in these circumstances on here. Funnily enough, I don't remember people doubting their story.