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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

what to do.

102 replies

user1492256457 · 17/05/2017 19:07

About 7 months ago my family hired a guy to do some jobs for them.
cutting a long story short, me and this guy have made a real connection. its like we are from the same mould.BUT !!!!! he is in a very difficult relationship, he's no kids to this woman, nor his he married.
over the few months I've known him he has confided in me, told me a lot about how difficult his relationship is. he is putting wheels in motion to leave. the issue is, or it may not be an issue, I've grown really fond of him.And I find myself thinking about what will happen once he leaves, because there is massive chemistry between us, which we have managed to not acted upon.

OP posts:
SparklyMagpie · 18/05/2017 07:15

If you dont want him to leave her for you, then what the fuck are you asking? You seem to know what you want as you arn't listening to anyone

Waste of posters time

TheNaze73 · 18/05/2017 07:34

You're on a different planet OP.

He's feeding you every single cliche from the book & you're falling for it.

Wake up & smell the coffee Brew

user1480966678 · 18/05/2017 07:40

Hi have you been meeting up with him since the work stopped. Texting / phoning?

Original poster
user1492256457 · 18/05/2017 07:42

He rings me, and we meet for the odd coffee now and a again.

OP posts:
robinia · 18/05/2017 08:01

What money does he need to move out? Is his income tied up in a mortgage?
I had a friend with a bi-polar gf and he found it exceptionally hard to leave her, partly because of the guilt about letting her down but also because of the hope that she would be 'cured'.
Does he know you are interested in him? Do you know if he is interested in you?
If yes, then I would, in my mind, set an end date for how long you will wait for him to sort out his current situation and if no change by then I'd move on - and cut contact.

Original poster
user1492256457 · 18/05/2017 08:18

We both admitted that there is a strong connection. And I said in the beginning that I wouldn't entertain anything, because of his situation, and I am well aware why he would find me desirable, I have my own business that gives me a good standard of living, so I am protecting myself as much has I can. All the comments on here, are questions that I have repeatingly asked myself.

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 18/05/2017 08:19

It would the second time he left her?
It's not that hard to do then is it?

No wonder she "sounds bipolar" Hmm

More like - doesn't know whether she's coming or going with a man who has left her once and is carrying on with you.

Does she know about these friendly coffees with a woman who fancies him, and where there is "chemistry"?

I'm thinking not.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 18/05/2017 08:32

When you have coffee, how much of the conversation is about his situation / girlfriend and how much is about you and your life?

Original poster
user1492256457 · 18/05/2017 08:41

He knows I live a stress/drama free life. So I would say it's fairly equal. I personally couldn't live in his circumstances, I would have left months ago. But we are all diff.

OP posts:
EverythingEverywhere1234 · 18/05/2017 08:42

Oh! Now he's in an abusive relationship.
Combined with your 'real connection' and his 'I want to leave but I can't for a nonexistent reason, we have ourselves a bingo.

Is there a reason you think so little of yourself?

Original poster
user1492256457 · 18/05/2017 08:46

I said that I'm my OP. EverythingEverywhere1234

OP posts:
EverythingEverywhere1234 · 18/05/2017 08:48

No, you said difficult. Stay on top of your own drama.

Original poster
user1492256457 · 18/05/2017 08:54

No I said, me and this guy have made a real connection.

And why can't a man be in an abusive relationship. It does happen !!!!

OP posts:
ravenmum · 18/05/2017 08:55

I was a bonkers, borderline abusive wife that my ex was unable to leave for financial reasons and because he was such a great dad.

In other words, my ex was spending all his time with his OW, shunning me and the children and making it so obvious that I was unable to sleep at night.

I had no idea that anything wrong, even though I'd refused sex in years.

In other words, we were still having sex, though it was always me initiating it, and I was so suspicious that I'd specifically pointed out the reasons it looked like he was having an affair.

I was always complaining about living where we lived, making him feel guilty, and was planning to move far away for a year, deserting the children.

In other words, when my husband came up with this plan for me to move away because he felt guilty, I poured scorn on the idea of deserting the kids and told him I liked it here just fine and he shouldn't feel guilty.

My husband really wanted to leave me, but he knew I would make it difficult.

In other words, when I found out what was going on for sure he was out within weeks.

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 18/05/2017 09:02

Does it really?! I had no clue!! Thank you for educating me!
I mean, I'm still sceptical that is what's going on here. I imagine he has form for fucking random women who listen to his bullshit women he has a real connection with and so she's unhappy and she worries when he goes out and yea, they probably do argue. I just think it's quite a fascinating coincidence that men seem to only have affairs because their wives are craaaazy bitch psychos. Fascinating.
Whatever. You either just want an excuse to talk about this bloke or you want justification for what is bound to happen next.

HmmOkay · 18/05/2017 09:13

Are you absolutely sure that the children are not his?

Otherwise he'd be out the door like a shot. Like he did the last time.

He doesn't want to leave and get a new place to live. That's the reality.

He wants to jump from her house to your house with the minimum effort involved for him. And by that time, you'll be so desperate happy to have him that you'll accept that.

I imagine the "she's such a psycho" stuff will get worse over the next couple of weeks and you'll be forced to step in an offer him a home. For free of course. Out of the goodness of your heart.

PollytheDolly · 18/05/2017 09:21

He could be telling the truth. Could being the operative word as in a few cases it's true. But not many.

However, in order to know this OP you need to back right off now and leave him to it. And I mean no contact and tell him why.

If he's genuine, he will sort himself out and contact you in time. If not, you have your answer.

user1480966678 · 18/05/2017 09:54

Either way I do feel for you. It's not as though you met in a bar and swapped numbers. You gradually got to know each other. Maybe if you knew you would fall for him knowing he is with someone then you would have kept your distance. It's just with him not having many ties he could have ended it with his gf a while ago. If he cannot leave her because if her mental health then he should tell you there is no hope for you two of you not draw it out.

user1482079332 · 18/05/2017 09:55

Exactly what category 12 said

Original poster
user1492256457 · 18/05/2017 10:25

In reply to the comment about him moving in.

since my divorce,and I was left with nothing, its took me a lot of years to build up what me and my kids now have. so moving someone in isn't that simple for me. ive had one relationship since my marriage, over 13 years ago, and lets just say that was a hard lesson learnt too.
so please understand I am no ones fool nor am I gullible.

I have, and am trying to keep how I feel under control. because my biggest want in life is also my biggest fear.
and I am trying very hard to keep this guy at arms length for that very reason. To protect myself.

But my gut instinct believes in what he says.

I will be taking a step back, and if we are meant to be it will happen.

OP posts:
dailydance · 18/05/2017 10:25

Lol. Just lol. You deserve whatever you get if you believe the bullshit

ravenmum · 18/05/2017 10:37

Mind that it really is your gut instinct talking and not your heart wishfully papering over cracks.

My first relationship after my marriage was very lovey-dovey and really fun - we got on amazingly well. But there were signs he might not have been as separated from his ex as he was claiming. It was so easy to ignore the signs :) - he was hugely believable. I still couldn't keep it up in the long term, though. But there is still a tiny little voice somewhere saying that maybe he will turn up on the doorstep one day with proof that he is single - a home that is obviously his bachelor flat, a divorce certificate :)

Adora10 · 18/05/2017 12:11

Leave the bloody woman's partner alone; you are having an emotional affair with a man who is no doubt living and having sex with another woman; does that not bother you at all?

Bi polar my arse; I bet she has plenty to say about that.

You've said he'd happily go physical with you, that's nice, so essentially a full blown affair but so far you've resisted, oh god, aren't you great; as I say, leave the bloody man alone, find someone available.

FuckYouLinda · 18/05/2017 12:21

You said he doesn't have kids. But he's essentially a step dad to her children from a previous relationship. Hmm How long has he been in their lives?

Keep going with the cliché's that he's sprouting and you are lapping up though. I'm having a great time playing fuckwit bingo here.

RechargableCattery · 18/05/2017 12:38

You will be this guy's fuckbuddy at best, and you will get dropped pretty soon. Everyone is telling you this. His partner is probably no more 'psycho' than you or I.

Have some judgement and be prepared to endure some loneliness while you find your own man/woman.

And chuck away the Mills & Boons.