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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Insecurities tearing us apart

72 replies

KJPxx · 17/05/2017 18:55

I have been with my partner for 8 and a half years, with 2 children (his son from a previous relationship, and our daughter) however both kids live with us.
In 8 years I have been out without him on an evening about 4 times - even then it's been concerts with my mother/sisters and/or the kids. Never been out with friends or out drinking with family, I'm 25 years old.
I have been faithful and I am always putting his and the kids' needs well above my own.
I work 6 days a week, however I am a carer - if a service user goes into hospital - I don't always have other calls in place of the ones I lose.

Every time my phone rings - he asks me who it is, there is times my phone has been in a different room and started ringing - he has asked me before I've left his side who it is and when I reply and say I'm not magic how would I know and he hits the roof saying I'm being cheeky!

If I come home earlier than usual - he thinks I haven't been where I said I was or if I come home late, quizzes me on where I have been.

He is constantly paranoid and it's becoming unbearable.

I don't know what to do.

His ex partner was a serial cheat but it's been 11 years since they split. I can't keep living in her shadow!

Sorry for venting but it's getting me down x

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 17/05/2017 19:27

His controlling behavior is going to destroy you and your relationship. You can't change him, but you can change your own behavior and how you deal with him. If I were you, any time he pulls that kind of jealous bullshit, I would firmly tell him that you will not be made to feel guilty when you have done nothing wrong. You're not a child so don't let him treat you like one. If he can't manage to change then remind him where the door is. His ex may have cheated but you are not her, and you can't let him punish you for her wrong doing. You've got to put a stop to this.

category12 · 17/05/2017 19:40

You need to start having some boundaries and life of your own and not appeasing him. I would have a straight conversation with him to reset those crossed boundaries and then police them - no indulging his questioning, nor allowing his reactions to prevent you from going out with friends or family without him. plan a night out with mates, and go. And keep doing that.

kittybiscuits · 17/05/2017 19:42

How do you know his ex was a serial cheat?

DontFuckingSayIt · 17/05/2017 19:46

The "being cheeky" thing is worrying to me. Are you his child?

Original poster
KJPxx · 17/05/2017 20:00

No I'm not his child and comments like that aren't helpful but yes I suppose in a way he is a controlling person and finds it acceptable to speak to people how he chooses yet if they do the same he doesn't like it..

I know his ex is a serial cheat because I know her and knew her before I met my partner. I also know she continued to cheat on the many men she has in and out of her life, and I am really tired of putting up with paranoid bull shit because he has ex issues. I don't have friends let alone go out with them. We lost touch over the years and I don't get invites to places - simply because he doesn't tell me I can't go - but I know it would lead to a row if I did.
When I approach the subject though it some how leads to us rowing and I end up out to be the idiot and it's in my head?!

OP posts:
OnARainbow · 17/05/2017 20:17

This sounds so similar to the life I was living with ex (although he didn't question phone calls and such but definitely got the moods if I did ever go out) and I had to leave for my own sanity. I was slowly losing it over his moods and other contributing factors.

I left him and even though it was the hardest thing I've ever done and still feel bad for doing so (we've got children together so lots of worry over the children) it was the best thing I did for myself.

twattymctwatterson · 17/05/2017 20:18

He's so controlling that you never go out without him - you can't say anything to him or he loses the rag, if you argue he turns it around on you... this isn't just about ex issues OP. What else about your relationship feels a bit wrong? Have you managed to maintain friendships? Do you see your family without him?

gamerchick · 17/05/2017 20:22

Tell him he has to stop punishing you for what his ex did and if he doesn't seek help for his issues then splitting up is inevitable. That's where it's heading!

You're young, ffs don't spend the whole of your 20s in a prison, it would be a waste of a life.

Secretlife0fbees · 17/05/2017 20:25

So basically he has isolated you from all your friends and potential support network, you get blamed for things you haven't even done and he speaks to you like a naughty child... this is 100% abusive behaviour OP. All under the guise of him being the victim. People like that slowly chip away until there will be absolutely nothing left of you. You're 25 years old! He is stealing the prime of your life. It will just get worse.. please do something about it before it's too late

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 17/05/2017 20:25

Your behaviour is confirming to him that his anxieties are reasonable.

Your behaviour is confirming to him that you can't trust yourself to go out, you'd shag someone.

Your behaviour is confirming that you agree that you are like his ex and have to stay away from other people in order to not fuck them.

Your behaviour is confirming that his delusions are real.

Get in touch with your old friends or make an active effort to make new ones. I assume that you can trust yourself to go out and have fun without jumping on the nearest cock? Well, even if you can't, better to find out and leave him, put him out of his misery.

The rows are essential they are not to be avoided. He is being 100% unreasonable. That should lead to a row. It should lead to a row where you tell him bluntly how very fucking dare he imply you would be unfaithful and that if he thinks so little of you then he should leave. If he claims he doesn't have such a low opinion of you but is "anxious because of old girlfriend" then tell him, shout at him, that he should get a bloody therapist then.

Stop justifying your own faithfulness too. Stop explaining the phone calls. Let there be a big old row.

Make it 100% clear that you are no longer going to restrict your life to pander to his deeply insulting delusions. His mental health problems are his. Not yours.

In summary. He's got a serious mental health problem. Don't pander to his delusions. Go out lots without apology or justification, thus forcing him to resolve his MH problem properly, appropriately, with professional support.

category12 · 17/05/2017 20:26

It's not surprising you've lost friends. I think you have to start making a social life for yourself, which will mean digging in and not putting up with his behaviour, that has so far resulted in you never going out without him. At 25.

He's isolated you from other influences, because he's always there with you or you don't go anywhere because the consequences from him make it not seem worth it.

The talking down to you and calling you cheeky etc is putting you in your place, which is basically his subordinate. There's quite a big age gap, isn't there?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 17/05/2017 20:38

What's wrong with being cheeky by the way? Cheeky is good between adults. Cheeky to your boss can be a bit off. Is he your boss then?

Why are you so scared of his reactions? Has he threatened / been violent yet?

AnyFucker · 17/05/2017 20:47

So, you were 17 when you got with this controlling loser ?

It's time to break free. You have already thrown away some of the best years of your life in the pursuit of appeasing this dickhead.

Original poster
KJPxx · 17/05/2017 20:49

I do see my family without him, I have an extremely good support network with family, 2 sisters and a mother who he wouldn't dare stand in the way of, but he thinks because he doesn't go out I shouldn't - BTW I don't stop him. God I wish he would.

And i wouldn't ever cheat, it doesn't cross my mind.

I have tried getting him help and he accepted once last year after things went too far and he got help but slowly got back to the way they have been all of our relationship.

Yes, he is older, he's 32.

I don't actually get upset about leaving him, but I stand to lose a step son who I adore as I do my own

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 17/05/2017 20:51

Things went "too far" ? How ?

Original poster
KJPxx · 17/05/2017 20:52

Yes I was 17 just and then 18 when we had our daughter. With his then 3 year old son too. It's not easy to walk away when you have known nothing else your whole adult life. A son I see as my own I may lose also it's more than just him I'd walk away from despite knowing I should for myself.

Please know however he isn't a bad father, I can't stress that enough

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 17/05/2017 20:53

Cliche alert

Men who treat their partners like this are not good fathers.

Original poster
KJPxx · 17/05/2017 20:54

Because he lost his temper, on my birthday because of an 81 year old man with no legs (happens to be a service user for the company I work) and despite me never actually caring for the gentleman, I immediately knew who he was simply by his description and the pub we had went to for lunch was his local, that is when I knew his jealousy and paranoia had gone off the chart!

OP posts:
Original poster
KJPxx · 17/05/2017 20:55

Yeah but for all he treats me this way, his kids are his all. He really isn't a bad father. That's one thing I can't fault.

OP posts:
PaintingByNumbers · 17/05/2017 20:56

is he faithful or is this all projection because he is cheating on you?
do you feel safe planning to leave him?

AnyFucker · 17/05/2017 20:57

He accused you of cheating with an 81 yo double amputee ?

How did "losing his temper" over that highly unlikely scenario manifest itself ?

AnyFucker · 17/05/2017 20:59

"He is a good father" is eehat abused eomen say when they can find no other positive attributes in their partner

And they are always, always misguided in that

Abuse of their mother is child abuse

AnyFucker · 17/05/2017 20:59

*women

Shoxfordian · 17/05/2017 21:00

He's controlling and you should be able to go out without him. You're only 25 honey; do you really want this to be your life? You're so young; don't restrict all your options for this man. Think seriously about whether this is what you want

Original poster
KJPxx · 17/05/2017 21:02

I feel fear of not knowing anything else, and in some ways yes I do, I fear what he is capable of which is why I don't push too fat and back down even when I am not in the wrong.
And i have never ever accused him of cheating never caught him cheating or suspected it. Which is odd because my only other relationship was age 14-16 and was cheated on, yet I didn't have any paranoia when I met him

OP posts:
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