Insecurities tearing us apart

[KJPxx]

I have been with my partner for 8 and a half years, with 2 children (his son from a previous relationship, and our daughter) however both kids live with us.
In 8 years I have been out without him on an evening about 4 times - even then it's been concerts with my mother/sisters and/or the kids. Never been out with friends or out drinking with family, I'm 25 years old.
I have been faithful and I am always putting his and the kids' needs well above my own.
I work 6 days a week, however I am a carer - if a service user goes into hospital - I don't always have other calls in place of the ones I lose.

Every time my phone rings - he asks me who it is, there is times my phone has been in a different room and started ringing - he has asked me before I've left his side who it is and when I reply and say I'm not magic how would I know and he hits the roof saying I'm being cheeky!

If I come home earlier than usual - he thinks I haven't been where I said I was or if I come home late, quizzes me on where I have been.

He is constantly paranoid and it's becoming unbearable.

I don't know what to do.

His ex partner was a serial cheat but it's been 11 years since they split. I can't keep living in her shadow!

Sorry for venting but it's getting me down x

Op, this is your first adult relationship, and what you have experienced is a formative adult in your life forgiving her abuser and rebuilding a life with him. It seems you believe 'abuser' is a temporary status. You do NOT need to find yourself in a situation where you tolerate controlling behaviour on the hope that it will right itself. The relationship with your stepfather is not a good model to guide YOUR children's lives by.

I think posters here are worried about the situation you are in and it is making you defensive (understandably). BUT, I think we all foresee the day you watch your DD bring home a man like her dad and you witness her losing her friends, having her wings clipped and becoming isolated. And she will think that's fine because that's how it is with her parents and they seem happy.
The relationship you're in now isn't right. You were young when you met and he is trying to keep you childlike, alone, away from people who will encourage you to stand up for yourself.

If you want advice on changing the relationship, the only thing I can think is for you to change your reactions. Live the life you want and when he questions you, remind him he is not your boss / father and that you have every right to a life. Don't waste your time explaining why you're late / where you were - that will just drag you into a spiralling row that will end up with you feeling like you've done something wrong. Just state you're entitled to a life, over and over again.

Personally though, I would want to tell him to sort it out or you'll be leaving, but that is only going to work if you're actually willing to walk out the door.

I know I am young and my only adult relationship has been this one, however I am not naive but I also have more than myself to think about. Walking away from my partner truthfully will hurt but I'll cope, my step son I can't live without. If the only way to stay in his life is by finding my partner help and getting my side across and like you say - change my behaviour to ultimately change his.. Then that's what I need to do.

I know I can't expect my step father changing to happen in this situation but he changed from a physically and emotionally violent man and now he is the complete opposite, I want to see that good in him. I'm not stupid, I know it's abuse and I know I deserve a damn site better but it's a great deal easier said than done

Yay can't change his behaviour though. I don't know what went on with your step dad but abusive men really don't change.

I do understand that your step son makes it complicated.

Op you are giving all the reasons you should stay. Who are you trying to convince here? Because you aren't convincing me.

Clearly tutor dp is abusive. It's called, officially, coercive control. It's illegal.

Let me take a guess here, he controls money?

Well my step dad did change. My mam is the happiest I've ever seen her, abusive men do change. I can't believe people think that people can't change - he did change and I see that everyday of my life. She doesn't tread eggshells anymore, she speaks her mind, she does as she wants and when she wants. Maybe it was his age and he decided enough was enough at 40 I don't know but he has changed.

And that is the only thing stopping me from walking tomorrow, it sounds like an excuse but that boy is my life, I couldn't walk away from my daughter and he is no different to me.

No, I'm not trying to convince anyone, I don't need convincing because I know what I need to do but it's not as simple as pack n walk. I'd be branded naive for thinking it was and it's not easy to walk away from a child you raised as your own before having your own.

And no, actually quite the opposite. All of the financial dealings are via myself.

It's a joint bank account and all the money goes in - bills paid and money withdrawn by myself. His card is unused

I can't say that abusive people never change. But it's really rare.

Well maybe the reason he 'changed' was three years without your mum.

What incentive does your man have to change? He knows you won't leave his boy, he got you young so you don't know much about life outside of him, he's in a great position, right?
You? Not so much.

I know but what can I do, walk away and make him see what he is missing and stand to lose the love of a little boy who has been betrayed by one mam already. It's tearing me apart staying but I don't know how I'd cope without my step son

I know it sound like a silly question but can you not sit down with him and explain that the way he is making you live is destroying you and you need time apart. A period of separation. And explain that you and DD would still need to see DSS? But I'm sure you can't, because he is an abusive prick :(

I think you need to take more serious action. If you are in an abusive relationship which is suffocating you but can't leave for fear of leaving that little boy, you need to contact someone about him. J know you say that this man is a "good dad' but someone who treats a woman like this and would isolate his DS from a mother figure he has known all his life if he broke up is terrible.

The bottom line is you need outside, professional advice and support to get through this and explore your options. Please listen to that.

Could you apply for parental for the boy? Have you posted on the legal boards?

The adoption application is submitted but I have been told it's likely to take until October due to circumstances about his maternal family

Parental responsibility

Ok, so wait until you have PR then leave. You will then be able to apply for contact/shared care with him if he won't allow you.

I will have to wait til it's been successful if I am to leave which is why I hoped for help or advice in getting him the help needed in the meantime.
I need to brave it and speak to him and explain how he makes me feel!

You've replaced one abusive relationship with one less abusive.

He is controlling because he does not see you as an equal, he sees you as his property, all shades of wrong.

His paranoid about you cheating is basically his own projection of himself so I'd not trust him either in that respect.

I feel really sorry for your kids if you think this is a good dad, good dads don't treat their children's mum like this; they should their kids a good example of a normal, happy and healthy relationship where two people are kind and respectful.

And yes, if you value your own self and your children, you do simply leave, it won't get better, this is who he is, a nasty bully who has got you exactly where he wants you, how horrible.

I value my children way above myself - both of them - which is why I can't just up and leave knowing first of all I don't have anywhere to go just like that - if I'm to leave I want a place me and my children can call home, but I stand to lose my step son - the 'step' bit is just a formality he is every bit my child as my daughter is.

And if parents who abuse their spouse are bad parents - what is the parent that remains?

My children are completely unaware that I feel like this - they don't think I don't go out because of him, they think it's my choice.

And if parents who abuse their spouse are bad parents - what is the parent that remains?

A victim who is inadvertently making their children grow up in an abusive environment. The character traits of an abuser won't magically disappear when the kids are around. They'll just manifest themselves in other ways, ways you're probably desensitised to. A decent father will be supportive of his children's mother, not making her tread on eggshells. Your DP's dominance in the household will be clearly evident even if no words are spoken. Your DC will have either made sense of it all by normalising it and will therefore likely carry on the same pattern in their own relationships (as indeed you yourself have done re your mum/stepdad), or they will one day grasp how wrong the whole situation is and may resent you for it.

You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. He doesn't think he's doing anything wrong and isn't suffering any consequences for his actions so why should he want to?

Likewise you're not ready to accept help either. You think you want it, but you're only actually interested in someone posting to say "tell him this , then it will give him his lightbulb moment and make him see he's being unreasonable". Sadly that won't happen because he has no interest in being helped, I mean why should he when he has you where he wants you?

Even if you pour out your heart to him and tell him how he makes you feel he won't take responsibility because he views you as a child who can't be trusted to make their own decisions...he will merely say/think "I know you don't like it but you just need to realise it's for your own good and it's only because I love you."

If you can't leave then you really do need to bite the bullet and refuse to engage with his BS the next time he has a go at you. You don't need to have a row, it takes two to have an argument. Words are lost on someone like your DP - actions will speak far louder.

How old is the boy?

My step son is 11

Ok. Getting to an age where he can make decisions for himself in any case but may he better waiting for the PR to be approved