Insecurities tearing us apart

[KJPxx]

I have been with my partner for 8 and a half years, with 2 children (his son from a previous relationship, and our daughter) however both kids live with us.
In 8 years I have been out without him on an evening about 4 times - even then it's been concerts with my mother/sisters and/or the kids. Never been out with friends or out drinking with family, I'm 25 years old.
I have been faithful and I am always putting his and the kids' needs well above my own.
I work 6 days a week, however I am a carer - if a service user goes into hospital - I don't always have other calls in place of the ones I lose.

Every time my phone rings - he asks me who it is, there is times my phone has been in a different room and started ringing - he has asked me before I've left his side who it is and when I reply and say I'm not magic how would I know and he hits the roof saying I'm being cheeky!

If I come home earlier than usual - he thinks I haven't been where I said I was or if I come home late, quizzes me on where I have been.

He is constantly paranoid and it's becoming unbearable.

I don't know what to do.

His ex partner was a serial cheat but it's been 11 years since they split. I can't keep living in her shadow!

Sorry for venting but it's getting me down x

He sounds awful. You are not going to be able to fix this. I would start planning your escape.

He's not paranoid, he's controlling. His jealousy is useful to him because it keeps you where he wants you.

No. I don't want this to be my life, honestly I just want to be alone with my children but it would only be one of them if I walk.

We were out having lunch for my birthday and the gentleman in question was having a pint, I said to my partner I'm sure that's 'such n such' and he just blew his lid! How do you know, would you know any bloke just by description - I tried to argue that it was a pretty easy description to match but we argued all evening.. And that's when he sought help from MIND

Ring Women's Aid and get some professional help.

Have a look at the Freedom Programme.

Also, the sticky post at the top of the Relationships board "Listen up"

And yes, one of the few positives I have about him is him as a father, because my children adore him and vice versa, I can't say all abusive men are hated by their children

Abusive men are often loved by their children. They know no better because they are brought up to understand that abusive relationships are normal when they live it.

Well I have a brilliant relationship with my step father who was very abusive to my mother for many years. Not because I fear him or anything of that nature. You can say your opinion as much as you wish. I don't defend him often but as a father I do

So you grew up witnessing the abuse of women too

History repeats itself. You can't see this ?

Yes I can see this, but I am not going to tell him 'he can't live his life because of the past' then do just that because of my own

You have a brilliant relationship with a man who abused your mother for years. That's astonishing compartmentalisation and denial. It is quite sickening actually.

Have you had any professional help yourself?

Well that's very usual, when you are in a situation like this, you often don't see it, until you do.

My mother left him and is now back with him. I learned that people change and he showed me that. Of course I hated him at the time, but I seen him beat my mother beyond recognition - my children haven't witnessed that.
And i do see it, I see very well

Why did your mother go back with him , op?

I'm always a bit amazed at posts like these where the OP keeps going on about how great a father and what a lovely person their abusive DP is really.

As AF points out, it's just training their kids to accept that abusive relationships are normal.

The level of abuse I witnessed as a child and what my children have witnessed is worlds apart, not every person who hurts another isn't a good parent, that's not a fair comment.

My mother got back with my step father after 3 years apart. I can't tell you her exact reasons why, I suppose she seen something at that point that she hadn't before and she had relearned that she was strong enough to leave him again - she never had to. And he's a brilliant dad - mistakes in your relationship or in a relationship with anyone don't define you in every aspect of life.

Are you implying because my mother suffered abusive relationships. I will tolerate mine being the same way and allow my children to do the same because that's a pretty shitty implication and far from the truth, but too many people walk away instead of trying to work at it and get the help needed. Which is what I really needed from this thread.. Advice on what others feel worked in the same situation

In what ways is your P a brilliant dad? Most kids love their dads regardless of what a shit he might be...what does he do that makes him a good dad?

It must be very hard to accept the thought of not seeing your dp's son but you must think of your dd and your own mental health. This situation is absolutely not normal, as I'm sure you know, and you shouldn't force yourself to put up with it any longer.

I think it's almost certainly true that that abusive relationships have been"normalised" for you because of what you witnessed as a child. That is not a criticism of you.

He is constantly paranoid and making your life unbearable.

You need help to see why you are putting up with this. I don't see a great father, a great partner desperate to put things right. I see a young woman seeking to normalise abusive behaviour. And yes, you will pass that down to your dd if you don't do something about it too.

Are you implying because my mother suffered abusive relationships. I will tolerate mine being the same way and allow my children to do the same

Well yes! It's not a shitty implication, it's a well known cycle: you had your own boundaries destroyed by your abusive step father and mother who chose to stay rather that protect you.
Your partner's 'insecurities' are not tearing you apart. It's his emotional abuse and control of you and he's not going to stop that because he enjoys it. Even if it's not on a conscious level, he gets a lot out of treating you like this.
People who abuse their child's other parent are NOT good parents. Good parents don't abuse their partners because abusing your child's other parent negatively impacts the children.
You can't help your partner into not being abusive.

OP, please know that people aren't attacking you or trying to make you feel bar

It is the unfortunate truth that many women who grew up in abusive home go on to have abusive relationships themselves, and based on what you have said people can see parallels between this and your situation.

If a man treats you in a way that makes you feel scared, intimidated, powerless, or in a way that makes you feel as though you can't be yourself because you are scared of how he will react, this is abusive. There are a wealth or behaviours that are horrible and cuntish that are still not abusive, but the way your partner acts is truly abusive. And it sounds so irrational that he needs genuine mental health support.

I know you know his behavior is not right so apologies for being repetitive, but the reality is that even of abuse is not physical it doesn't mean that it is okay for children to witness. Emotional abuse is just as damaging - seeing a dynamic where a man is dominant and a woman is scared or unwilling to cross him even if he is being wildly unreasonable is damaging. People are not pointing this out to hurt you, but because it is something you need to acknowledge.

You say you want to stand by him and get help to resolve his complex issues together; this is admirable but you have to take responsibility if this is not possible. Where is your step son's mother in this? Do you have or can you obtain a parental rights order for your stepson if it is solely you and your partner raising him?

I don't think you should jump up and LTB as you do need to have a longer term plan. But you need some outside perspective on this situation - you are 25 and have a life to live, you can not be tethere down like this and someone who loves you in a real caring and healthy way would not subject you to this lifestyle.

Have you thought about what you would like to do?

You are in an abusive relationship now.

I would suggest that you call Women's Aid.

If you are finding it too hard to accept that you relationship is abusive then maybe you could start with seeing a counsellor to work out why you chose to do crazy stuff like drop all your friendships.

If you think it is only a minor issue then just start going out and live with the rows until he gets therapy.

OP, there is a vast difference between staying and working out a relationship because there are a few issues, and capitulating to an abuser because you feel that people give up to easily.

The very fact that you have maintained a relationship with a man who in your own words beat up your mother is clear proof of the fact that you see abuse as totally normal because you have grown up in a family where it's acceptable for men to hit women, and because your DP doesn't hit you you don't see his abuse as that bad.

But ask yourself, what kind of mother will you be if you stay and witness your daughter enter into an abusive relationship? How will you be able to support her to leave if that's what she wants to do? Or is it more likely that you'll encourage her to stay because people give up too easily, or because he's a good man or a good father or any of the other reasons you give for wanting to stay with your partner?

I had one of these OP. He bugged my house, had me followed, isolated me from friends and family, used to threaten to kill my animals and the list goes on. I too swore he was a good father and didn't want to break up my children's family. It was only after we split that the kind of father he is has emerged, one which puts himself above everyone else, and who constantly tells my DC how he is hard done-by because of me and how when they are eighteen he will tell them the truth about me. They now rarely see him through their own choice.

My step father was a hideous man. Undoubtedly. My mam chose us and left him. She got back with him and lived separately when I was 14 only moving back in with him after I had moved out at 17. She protected us by walking away.

He is a good father because despite not being my biological father he always fought to be a part of my life. He has helped me through situations, emotionally, financially. All the things my real father bailed on.

I also stand to lose a little boy who has been neglected and abused by his real mother and I built him back up to a strong confident young man. He isn't just a step son he is my son it's not simple to walk away from that