My DH is tearing my heart apart

[Oldwiseone]

Hi and thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this.

I have been with my DH for 24 years, married for 18 years. We have 7 children together and one who died as a baby.

He was 21 when we met and very childish. He would run telling tales to his parents on a daily basis. Always making himself sound like a poor victim.

When I look back to our early years I wonder why the heck I stayed with him. I guess I was young and in love. But he would do strange things, like make me get out his car and wait for him when he would go into different places. Like a fool I used to do it.

When we would be out he would stare at other women saying 'you should try and look like her'. I mean, WTF?! If anyone treated my kids that way I would tell them to find someone who respected them for who they were.

We had our first child together before we married. He was still living at home and would never stay a full night with me and his son. He always said 'my mum will miss me'. 🙄 It got to the point that I ended our relationship. It was going nowhere. He would spend his days at work, his evenings with us and then go 'home' and leave me todo all the night feeds. I wanted real commitment for both myself and our son.

He came and stuck a note through my door saying 'marry me'. I said yes. We got married 12 months later and that was the first night he spent with us.

Fast forward to present day. We have a houseful of kids. None of us see him family, only him. My kids do not know any of them. Why? Because those childish stories he would tell never stopped. He runs and tells them EVERYTHING. Actually, he out and out lies. He uses me as an excuse when he doesn't want to do something. I won't let him. I control him. I make his life a misery. And they are like 'oh my poor darling'. He visits them and comes back running them down. It's like he needs everyone's pity.

He gets all his mail sent to his mums house. Always has. When I say how strange that is he says 'I will change that one day'. I have no idea how much he earns, who he banks with, any debts he has. It's all secret. Only his 'family' know that.

He not only lies about me, he lies to me. Stupid stuff. But he will look me in the eye and say 'I swear on your life, I swear on the kids lives, that I am telling the truth' and he isn't.

I caught him out in a stupid lie a couple years ago. His sister invited him round. He didn't want to go. So he lied to her saying I wouldn't let him. He didn't know that I knew she had contacted him and he swore blind he hadn't heard from her. He swore on my life. Told me I had trust issues. When I then said 'I actually heard your conversation. I know you are lying' he told me I was out of order hearing him and making it seem like I hadnt so he would look bad by lying.

He ended up walking out on me and the kids for 3 months. He made no effort to see me or to try and work things out. I felt abandoned.

He saw the kids for 5 hours a week (on a Sunday) and other than that had no contact. I was left trying to keep our crazy busy house together (our youngest was 4 months old) and comfort our confused children.

We eventually talked. He said sorry. Begged to come back. Said he would never lie to me again.

He did. Lots.

So now things are just like before. His lies. His secrets. His family being told lies about me. Him saying 'if you ever talk to my Mum that will be us over'.

Then a few hours after saying that he says 'why are you in a mood? You are mad'.

I am scared at the thought of doing it alone. I saw first hand how broken my kids were. And they matter most. But I also dread every day. Knowing he will go out of his way to piss me off.

We are sleeping separate. He sleeps with earplugs in so if any kids wake in the night he can't see or hear.

I just don't know what to do anymore. Ignore his lies and secrets for the kids?

He laughs and says how nobody else would want me with all the kids. But that he can have a single life if he left. He will walk around smirking singing 'nobody would have you. You are stuck with me or nobody' over and over.

Just after a bit of comfort and someone to vent to.

Good luck - you sound as if you are ready to make a start on untangling this awful situation you find yourself in. I wish you all the best.

Please don't continue to blight your children's lives with this prick.

He might not tell you his salary, but he'll have to tell the CSA. His family are welcome to him.

He's fucking vile.

Pallisers
Why on earth did you have seven children?
Why on earth did you continue the relationship when
He was 21 when we met and very childish.He would run telling tales to his parents on a daily basis. Always making himself sound like a poor victim.
That was the moment you should have moved on.
Not stayed around to be treated like shit and not have had seven children with this poor excuse.

Words fail me, Pallisers. You sound almost as delightful as the OP's DH. Makes you feel good, doesn't it? I hope you can look at your life and feel suitably smug.

OP as most PPs have said, you'll be happier without him, even if you don't meet anyone else, being free from him has got to preferable to being with him.

Please believe that you deserve so much better and always have. You are young enough to have a happy life, and rebuild your sense of self worth. Do it for you AND your children.

If you don't, you might well find that some of your DSs end up becoming their father, your DDs end up with someone like their father. And meanwhile, his abuse of you continues, and the rest of your life slips through your fingers.

My heart goes out to you. This is awful. Please remember your kids need a happy healthy mum. You need to be strong. You've been to help & back already so going it alone will be a walk in the park. You've raised your kids single handedly so far, and you'll find it easier on your own without the constant put downs. Good luck what ever you decide. X

ArsenalsPlaying 👏👏👏👏

Record him running his family down to you. Then send it to his mum with a note saying you're sure it's not true and that they are nicer people than he makes out and how sad you are that the 7 children don't know their grandparents, uncles, aunts and cousins.

Then give him his ready-packed overnight bag and kick him out.

He'll have to pay for his children, and quite possibly a lot more besides, so you'll almost certainly be fine without him.

It's just occurred to me, and sorry if this has been mentioned upthread and I've missed it, but is there perhaps a cultural reason for any of this? Have you married a man who is of a different religion/culture where his family would never accept you as the only wife?

Do you think he keeps you away from his family because they don't know about you and the children at all, or because they do know but prefer to pretend you do not exist. Is it possible he's also married (at least in the eyes of Islam if not British law) to someone else more acceptable to his parents?

That is the only explanation I can think of for why he would stay with you and have such a large family with you for over 20 years and yet blatantly exclude you and marginalise you from every other aspect of his life and his family.

He is mentally ill , has a personality disorder and has the emotional age of a child. He will seriously affect your mental health beyond repair if you stay with him. There is no logical reason behind his behaviour. Please stop looking for one (if you are) , he is mentally ill. He is addicted to being the victim and needs everyone to hate each other as he feels if other people get on this is a threat to him and him being the victim (and or) the only good one. He is obsessively addicted to creating negativity and sustaining it.

It's down to his dysfunctional family dynamics. They will go along with his lies or even enable them. They deep down know he is lying but have learnt to humour him for whatever reason. MAybe one of his parents does this? Maybe he was abused? Who knows. It's too late for excuses.

You are most probably the only person who realises he lies about EVERYONE. They (family/friends) most probably have no idea he bad mouths them. It's funny how people go along with a liar until they find out they're being lied about, too!

He is the extreme opposite to a normal, well adjusted man. And this dysfunctional , mentally ill man is the head of your household. That's absurd and no good will come of it. You can do much better without this abuse.

Get this - he will lie about your children too. He'll bad mouth them when they're old enough and they'll find out. He will do it to everyone.

You have most probably forgotten what a normal home and relationship feels like (if you ever knew?) the tension and negativity this man is causing you and your children is enormous. You have grown used to a lot of it even if you feel you haven't, that's why you've been suffering this crazy making behaviour for so long.

I'll be honest, he will continue to lie about you when you leave him. The lies will get worse as he'll be in full victim mode. But the important thing is you won't be experiencing this highly negative person in close proximity everyday. It will literally save your soul if you leave him.

He is mentally ill. Not remotely normal. Nothing good will come from him being around you and your children. He hates you. He thrives on hate. There's no love, he isn't capable of what normal men are capable of. Please leave him.

My child's dad is the spitting image of what you described. I left him shortyly after giving birth to my daughter. Best thing I ever did.

Or he could just be a monumental dick?

wow, if that's what you want to call it. He's a Middle Aged man who has been abusing a whole family for years and seems to live in a fantasy world that he's created with lies. He clearly has little or no empathy and sings abuse at his wife and is happy for his children to have nothing to do with his family for NO reason at all.

"Monumental prick" is the understatement of the year.

He is mentally ill and I don't know what else he'd have to do to prove this

Why are you so convinced he's mentally ill? You can't possibly know that based on what's been said here. Not everyone who behaves abusively is mentally ill.

OP, your first post is one of the saddest I've ever read.

You can't do anything about the wasted years, but you can and you must ensure that you don't waste any more with this man child.

I would be horrified if one of my DDs settled for what you have. But your life can change, but he won't. He is what he is. Things won't improve if you stay with him.

You know what you must do. Don't put it off because of the kids; in fact do it because of them. They deserve a happy home with a happy mum.

You might not feel strong enough to split with him but your post screams that you must.

You say you don't want to do it alone. Realise you've been doing it alone for years. Things can only get better with him gone. You'll get your real self back, the kids will still have a dad, but home will be a sanctuary for you all.

Send him and his lies back to his mum. After all, he's never really left in there, has he?

Go on, time to get strong. Don't dwell on the wasted years, focus on the exciting ones ahead.

I can tell you what to do - get the fuck out of there. He sounds like the worst partner in the world. Gather the courage to leave him and never look back. He will still be obliged to support you all and within weeks you will be incredulous that you even entertained the idea of being with this man.

He is clearly delusional isn't he? Do you not think this behViour is out of the realm of how mentally healthy people behave? It's taken over his entire life and all of his family members.

He is clearly mentally unstable to behave like this. most abusers are mentally unstable people. My ex partner would lie in the way that the op's does and to cut a long story short he ended up not knowing fact from fiction and would often contradict himself multiple times in the same sentence because he had grown completely out of touch with reality. He did This to a judge in court and then denied doing it. He was sent to see a psychiatrist by his father (who he falsely accused of molesting him, admitted this whilst giggling) who diagnosed him with a personality disorder as well as a mental disorder. I thought he was merely an as.hole before I saw him lie to a judge in court about things that were obviously fact.

People like this aren't just abusive the abuse is often part of an even bigger problem. I've dealt with someone like this for years and it's no joke. Abusers aren't just normal people who abuse they're much worse. Their thinking is often completely faulty.

Sorry my last post was to @LeLegue

Good luck op. You can do it. He's an absolute prize winning shit.

None of us can be sure he is or isn't mentally ill. My completely amateur armchair diagnosis is that he must have some sort of disorder, because this behaviour just isn't normal. It isn't just that it's revolting, but it goes beyond simple selfishness or sexism, it is just absolutely abnormal and I can't believe anyone who functions on a near-neurotypical level would be like this.

But none of that even matters. What matters is that he's sucking the life out of OP and their family and he isn't going to change, and he's stolen years and years from her. But it's never too late to cut your losses, and boy OP, when you leave him you will cut them good. Let us know how you get on. I'm so glad there's a light at the end of the tunnel for you.

*We are sleeping separate. He sleeps with earplugs in so if any kids wake in the night he can't see or hear.

I just don't know what to do anymore. Ignore his lies and secrets for the kids?*

Read these two sentences you wrote again OP. It doesn't make sense does it?

OP, have you read the opening post of this thread? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody

It tells you how your partner should be treating you in a healthy relationship, and if your relationship doesn't look like this then gird your loins, prepare yourself for getting away with your children.

Call Women's Aid and ask them to help you make a plan to get away safely.

Can't say much more than you deserve better and your children deserve better. Please remember that the relationships they see will define the relationships they expect as adults... and you all deserve better than this waste of space

I have honestly, hand on heart found several years of lone parenting a lot easier and happier experience than the last couple of years of my marriage where xh was acting like a total twat.

Don't underestimate how much this shit saps your energy. You absolutely will be happy and very probably meet someone too. Please find the strength to get rid.

I'm wondering if you feel sorry for him? It may be the reason you've stayed so long - the poor lamb isn't quite right and needs help...

A high percentage of abusive relationships are enabled under this premise - including mine. My poor husband had had a bad childhood - I cried for that little boy, the little boy he was. Until I realised I was the only one doing the crying..

Abusers use the empathy and kindness of their targets. They seek us out. They milk their stories, all the better to lull us into compliance: how could we make any demands (at all) on someone who is so broken ; he can't help how he is..

Oh he can help it. But he gets so much out of it he has no intention of stopping it. Why would be stop?

If you let him stay then you may well lose the love of your children. My parents stayed together "for the sake of the children", which was of course just an excuse for avoiding the fear of an unknown future. I rarely see either of them now. They are as bad as each other, the "good" one as much as the "bad" one.

I know that neither of them cared enough about me to do something nerve-racking to protect me.