My DH is tearing my heart apart

[Oldwiseone]

Hi and thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this.

I have been with my DH for 24 years, married for 18 years. We have 7 children together and one who died as a baby.

He was 21 when we met and very childish. He would run telling tales to his parents on a daily basis. Always making himself sound like a poor victim.

When I look back to our early years I wonder why the heck I stayed with him. I guess I was young and in love. But he would do strange things, like make me get out his car and wait for him when he would go into different places. Like a fool I used to do it.

When we would be out he would stare at other women saying 'you should try and look like her'. I mean, WTF?! If anyone treated my kids that way I would tell them to find someone who respected them for who they were.

We had our first child together before we married. He was still living at home and would never stay a full night with me and his son. He always said 'my mum will miss me'. 🙄 It got to the point that I ended our relationship. It was going nowhere. He would spend his days at work, his evenings with us and then go 'home' and leave me todo all the night feeds. I wanted real commitment for both myself and our son.

He came and stuck a note through my door saying 'marry me'. I said yes. We got married 12 months later and that was the first night he spent with us.

Fast forward to present day. We have a houseful of kids. None of us see him family, only him. My kids do not know any of them. Why? Because those childish stories he would tell never stopped. He runs and tells them EVERYTHING. Actually, he out and out lies. He uses me as an excuse when he doesn't want to do something. I won't let him. I control him. I make his life a misery. And they are like 'oh my poor darling'. He visits them and comes back running them down. It's like he needs everyone's pity.

He gets all his mail sent to his mums house. Always has. When I say how strange that is he says 'I will change that one day'. I have no idea how much he earns, who he banks with, any debts he has. It's all secret. Only his 'family' know that.

He not only lies about me, he lies to me. Stupid stuff. But he will look me in the eye and say 'I swear on your life, I swear on the kids lives, that I am telling the truth' and he isn't.

I caught him out in a stupid lie a couple years ago. His sister invited him round. He didn't want to go. So he lied to her saying I wouldn't let him. He didn't know that I knew she had contacted him and he swore blind he hadn't heard from her. He swore on my life. Told me I had trust issues. When I then said 'I actually heard your conversation. I know you are lying' he told me I was out of order hearing him and making it seem like I hadnt so he would look bad by lying.

He ended up walking out on me and the kids for 3 months. He made no effort to see me or to try and work things out. I felt abandoned.

He saw the kids for 5 hours a week (on a Sunday) and other than that had no contact. I was left trying to keep our crazy busy house together (our youngest was 4 months old) and comfort our confused children.

We eventually talked. He said sorry. Begged to come back. Said he would never lie to me again.

He did. Lots.

So now things are just like before. His lies. His secrets. His family being told lies about me. Him saying 'if you ever talk to my Mum that will be us over'.

Then a few hours after saying that he says 'why are you in a mood? You are mad'.

I am scared at the thought of doing it alone. I saw first hand how broken my kids were. And they matter most. But I also dread every day. Knowing he will go out of his way to piss me off.

We are sleeping separate. He sleeps with earplugs in so if any kids wake in the night he can't see or hear.

I just don't know what to do anymore. Ignore his lies and secrets for the kids?

He laughs and says how nobody else would want me with all the kids. But that he can have a single life if he left. He will walk around smirking singing 'nobody would have you. You are stuck with me or nobody' over and over.

Just after a bit of comfort and someone to vent to.

"I am scared at the thought of doing it alone. I saw first hand how broken my kids were. And they matter most. But I also dread every day. Knowing he will go out of his way to piss me off. " (my bolding)
Your children were not broken by his leaving. They are broken by being brought up in a toxic environment with a father who, frankly, sounds mentally unwell. You see keeping him as best for them - but seriously, it is the worst for them. They have eyes, they can see. Your eldest must be 19 or 20? They will absolutely be headfucked watching him disrespect you and grinding you down, killing your self-esteem.

"I also imagine the younger kids. Seeing him once a week and getting treated to nice things and then thinking 'dad is great. Dad does nice stuff with us. Mum makes us do our homework' and things like that."
Again - your children have eyes, even the young ones. (What ages are we talking?) Even assuming he does try to buy their affection, they know him. They can see his contempt. You will not lose their love. I've read many a thread on here from women in similar situations, where the tosspot father has taken that tack. And some children have been swayed - temporarily. But they've always come back to their mother-child relationship, because the father invariably fucks it up and shows their true face to their children. And the children can see the superficiality of their father, and can compare it to the unconditional love from their mother. No contest.

This man is clearly not right in the head, and if his family have never attempted to contact you, their DIL and their grandchildren, then there is something dysfunctional with them too. The best thing you can do for your children and yourself is to get this man as far from you as you can.

My friend was in a relationship with a man very similar to this.

She is free now. If she can do it, you can do it. He messed with her head just like that knob you're with and said similar stuff you're posting.

She's now very positive and looking forward to the rest of her life with her lovely children around her. Wouldn't you like the same?

Hi op- so sorry you are in this shitty situation :(

My initial gut instinct is that there is a possibility he has another life and family that you don't know about...

I'm sorry if the thought of this upsets you, it's not my intention at all, just seems strange too that he is not "allowing" you to speak to his mother and the post goes elsewhere.

He sounds utterly horrible, he doesn't deserve you and your 7 lovely children, being married to this man does not equate to a happy life, it's clear it's quite the opposite.

He thinks you are weak and wiouke never tell him to leave, prove him wrong, if that's what you want of course.

I can't see anything redeeming about him, he doesn't bring you any joy, he's cruel and selfish and you absolutely would be able to cope with the children, they would be the ones giving you a reason to get out of bed in the morning, safe in the knowledge that you have freed not only yourself but your innocent children from a life of misery with this man.

Imagine if this situation was happening to your daughter ( assuming you haven't got 7 boys! )
What would you advise her?
There is your answer.

Wishing you well, here to listen

Wiouke should read "would"

This man has robbed your children's chance of having happy parents living together in an equal and loving partnership. He has robbed them of having a relationship with their grandparents. IF you are not careful, he will rob them of becoming well rounded adults, who understand how families and relationships should work. And by staying with him, you are facilitating and condoning all of his abuse. So yes, you need to get out now as you didn't get out before. What on earth reason is there to stay with a man, who treats your children and you so poorly?

I am genuinely speechless - think this is the most heartbreaking post I've ever read on here.
I would do either one of two things
Ask him to leave immediately or give him an ultimatum today that unless you and his children haven't been introduced to his family and have regular contact with them by this weekend, then he has to leave. Only breaking this secretive cycle he has with his family may improve his behaviour although I doubt it.
My gut would be to go with the first option - you deserve so much more in your life.

What on earth are you getting out of this marriage?

Please ditch him now and give yourself a better life.

Fast forward to present day. We have a houseful of kids. None of us see him family, only him. My kids do not know any of them. Why? Because those childish stories he would tell never stopped. He runs and tells them EVERYTHING..

What is to tell exactly? And if you have nothing to do with them then how do you even know what he's telling them?

Actually, he out and out lies. He uses me as an excuse when he doesn't want to do something. I won't let him. I control him. I make his life a misery. And they are like 'oh my poor darling'.

Again, not entirely sure how you know all this when he keeps you and them so compartmentalised.....

He gets all his mail sent to his mums house. Always has. When I say how strange that is he says 'I will change that one day'. I have no idea how much he earns, who he banks with, any debts he has. It's all secret. Only his 'family' know that.

You say he supports your family financially yet you have no idea who he banks with?

Does he fully support his family and the household, or just bung you a bit of cash on the side while you live officially as a single mum? It sounds to me as though he could have a whole other family somewhere and he doesn't want you to speak to his family because they are used as alibis and it will blow his cover.

Anyway, all of the above aside, quite how you ended up wanting and having eight children with this spectacularly awful excuse for a man is an utter mystery to me.

I honestly don't know what to say to you. I could offer words of advice but it would all be such bloody obvious advice that if you haven't acted on it in the past then you are hardly likely to start now. How very very sad and dysfunctional your whole adult life has been and how needless.

I'm a single parent. I left when my daughter was 1. She is now 8.

There is not a day when I don't think how happy I am to be free.

You won't regret it, he sounds like a grade a asshole to me.

Sorry, but why the hell did you have seven children with this man?

Because Shannith there are none so blind as those who refuse to see.

This is one of the saddest posts I have ever read on here.

Leave, for the sake of your children if nothing else.

I'm sorry you are feeling like this and he is such a dick

I was with stbeh for 18 years - he would run to mummy and tell her EVERYTHING - even about our sex life. His parents didn't speak to me for the last 3 years we were together - he carried on as normal, never stuck up for me or told them they were out of order. Last straw was when I heard him on the phone to his dad - the dad said 'you need to control your wife' and stbeh agreed! He had to go

Life is hard - I only have 2 dc but life is happier now. Even the dc are happier

God this was so hard to read. PLEASE get shot of him. Who cares if you never met anyone else, being on your own is way better than listening to him crush your confidence and self esteem. I can assure you it would be HIM broken if you split up.
I can't even begin to fathom his behaviour. The man is weird beyond belief.
Don't be held to ransom by this arsehole who does not care about you or your kids. Stand up to him and ask him to leave. Show him you can be strong and he can't control you.
You and your children deserve so much better. Dont let them think this is a normal relationship.

Better alone than badly accompanied, and 'badly accompanied' is a euphemism for what you have been through.

It's an awful cliche, but cliches are cliches because they have kernels of truth - today is the first day of the rest of your life. You can lose this millstone.

This is one of the saddest relationship threads I've read on MN. You dont give sufficient detail for me to comment on specific help (ages, housing status, financial situation) but as far as you have told us I cannot see any reason for being in this sham marriage.

Every time you let him back you are strengthening his hand. Your children are being taught that this type of relationship is 'normal', and you have your nose rubbed in the dirt yet again. I cannot begin to describe how awful his actions are, I am so furious on your behalf.
Do you not have any friends or family that could help you out on the odd occasion that you need? The problems you list as issues if you were to becone a single parent are ones faced by everyone in that situation.
He has you trapped just where he wants you, you need to rise up and tell him to leave and mean it. I can't say get your ducks in a row, because you seem to have no idea about earnings, pension, debts etc. so there seems to be nothing to be gained from waiting.
I hesitate to mention this, but are you even sure he goes back to his mother and not another family? He seems deluded enough to do something like that.

You know what you have to do, and I'm sure there will be people on here who can help with the detail of how to do that far better than I can.
Meanwhile I'm sending you and just to try to keep your spirits up.

I'm so sorry for you. Even though you are scared I think you know this can't continue.
He is hiding a lot about his life from you. You don't know how much he earns etc. Can you start to piece it together from what he spends? The house- is it rented or mortgaged? Council tax, gas, electric, food. What does it come to? If he can pay for this now, he can (and would be made to) pay it if you separate. There are benefits that you would be eligible for too. What is the point in him being there? He insults you, lies to you and sleeps separately.
This is emotional abuse. You won't see that until he's gone. I hope you contact Women's Aid. What ages are your children?

You're in an abusive relationship and you always have been. There isn't a parallel universe where he's different.

You're scared, it's why you stayed and why you're staying and until you confront that fear and work through it, this miserable half life is your children's primary relationship role model. One of the most important parts of parenting, is equipping our children with knowledge and skills that will be their foundation for making good choices. Op, what did you learn about relationships growing up?

My friend is in a very similiar place but with 6 children. She is like you, she never learns. We have run out of breath telling her to LTB. It will never happen. I find it really, very sad.

he hasnt got your back hees controlling u and yor children

is that what u want for them-what if your dc met someonee like him would u approve

his post going there rings massive alarm bells-he either has another family or is earning much more than he says and doesnt want u to know

if u stay with him your teaching your children that this is a normal relationship which they will start to mimic in their own lives-is that what you want

Thank you fir all your replies. I really do appreciate each and every one.

A couple of questions were raised.

How do I know he tells them everything? And if I don't know them what is there to tell.

I went to school with one of his cousins. She has always been lovely. She tells me some of the things she hears. Her mum (his aunt) was always lovely. She sadly died years ago. And he actually tells me some of what he tells them. He says 'if I blame you for everything I don't have to hear them moan at me'.

He does just hand me cash each week.

I think he has controlled me for too long.

Yes, you are right he has controlled you for too long.

The question is - what are you going to do about it?

Make a list - it only needs one thing on there to start - I will make it for you;

Phone Women's Aid 0808 2000 247

Sorry OP my last post may have come across as a bit fierce.

I am just so angry FOR you not WITH you.

Staying together for the kids is a really bad idea, and can cause lots of damage. Your kids will grow up learning that his behaviour and the disrespect he years you with is ok. Do you want to that for your children? For history to repeat itself?

Let your kids see you choose happiness. O wish my mother had, it to many many years to unpick the harmful lessons I had learned from thinking disrespectful dysfunctional relationships are normal.
Please don't give them such low expectations.