Hi and thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this.
I have been with my DH for 24 years, married for 18 years. We have 7 children together and one who died as a baby.
He was 21 when we met and very childish. He would run telling tales to his parents on a daily basis. Always making himself sound like a poor victim.
When I look back to our early years I wonder why the heck I stayed with him. I guess I was young and in love. But he would do strange things, like make me get out his car and wait for him when he would go into different places. Like a fool I used to do it.
When we would be out he would stare at other women saying 'you should try and look like her'. I mean, WTF?! If anyone treated my kids that way I would tell them to find someone who respected them for who they were.
We had our first child together before we married. He was still living at home and would never stay a full night with me and his son. He always said 'my mum will miss me'. 🙄 It got to the point that I ended our relationship. It was going nowhere. He would spend his days at work, his evenings with us and then go 'home' and leave me todo all the night feeds. I wanted real commitment for both myself and our son.
He came and stuck a note through my door saying 'marry me'. I said yes. We got married 12 months later and that was the first night he spent with us.
Fast forward to present day. We have a houseful of kids. None of us see him family, only him. My kids do not know any of them. Why? Because those childish stories he would tell never stopped. He runs and tells them EVERYTHING. Actually, he out and out lies. He uses me as an excuse when he doesn't want to do something. I won't let him. I control him. I make his life a misery. And they are like 'oh my poor darling'. He visits them and comes back running them down. It's like he needs everyone's pity.
He gets all his mail sent to his mums house. Always has. When I say how strange that is he says 'I will change that one day'. I have no idea how much he earns, who he banks with, any debts he has. It's all secret. Only his 'family' know that.
He not only lies about me, he lies to me. Stupid stuff. But he will look me in the eye and say 'I swear on your life, I swear on the kids lives, that I am telling the truth' and he isn't.
I caught him out in a stupid lie a couple years ago. His sister invited him round. He didn't want to go. So he lied to her saying I wouldn't let him. He didn't know that I knew she had contacted him and he swore blind he hadn't heard from her. He swore on my life. Told me I had trust issues. When I then said 'I actually heard your conversation. I know you are lying' he told me I was out of order hearing him and making it seem like I hadnt so he would look bad by lying.
He ended up walking out on me and the kids for 3 months. He made no effort to see me or to try and work things out. I felt abandoned.
He saw the kids for 5 hours a week (on a Sunday) and other than that had no contact. I was left trying to keep our crazy busy house together (our youngest was 4 months old) and comfort our confused children.
We eventually talked. He said sorry. Begged to come back. Said he would never lie to me again.
He did. Lots.
So now things are just like before. His lies. His secrets. His family being told lies about me. Him saying 'if you ever talk to my Mum that will be us over'.
Then a few hours after saying that he says 'why are you in a mood? You are mad'.
I am scared at the thought of doing it alone. I saw first hand how broken my kids were. And they matter most. But I also dread every day. Knowing he will go out of his way to piss me off.
We are sleeping separate. He sleeps with earplugs in so if any kids wake in the night he can't see or hear.
I just don't know what to do anymore. Ignore his lies and secrets for the kids?
He laughs and says how nobody else would want me with all the kids. But that he can have a single life if he left. He will walk around smirking singing 'nobody would have you. You are stuck with me or nobody' over and over.
Just after a bit of comfort and someone to vent to.