...and exactly what I want to change. Need advice from feisty ladies because am feeling a bit defeated by it all.
It's not LTB quite yet but gosh we're close. And this will seriously out me to anyone who knows me IRL but, you know what, give me a call 
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Been with DP for 7 years. I have an older DD from a previous relationship. DP and I have reception age DTDs. We both worked and met in high earning roles in London, but moved north with his job when the DTDs were only 6 months. I cannot do what I did here. But also I want to be more present for them than I was for DD, so not on a plane all the time, particularly given DP is. Am therefore retraining in something which will mean ultimately I can have a part time that can fit around them. I also love it. And it's 'worthy' (relevant later). My retraining is salaried ie I am earning while doing it.
DP's job got relocated quite soon after we had moved to another European country so he commutes Mon-Fri and then there are intercontinental trips and ones which eat into the weekend. And he hates it. And it is the opposite of 'worthy'. But 5x my current salary.
We haven't had sex for 3 years. He told me it was because his job had made him fat (it has) and he felt unattractive so hard to feel sexy. I have been patient, I thought. His weight has also lead to v heavy snoring, to the extent we no longer share a bedroom, even on holiday. Go figure.
And I have been getting increasingly resentful of what I perceive as inequity in the relationship. I know I am at home, but I work too, and yet I do everything related to the DTDs, all the business of managing the house and the family, including at the weekends when he's back. He will do his best Disney Dad impression and take them to the sweetie shop and off swimming and to McDonalds and then ask me if I enjoyed my rest when he gets back. Getting him to supervise their homework is almost as hard as getting them to do it. I know he has a hard job but when he finishes he goes to a hotel room. I put the DTDs to bed, run up and down the stairs about 5 times to yells of MUMMY, do the washing, stitch name tapes, order presents online for their friends' parties, do the garden, change the beds, plan the menus, grab some porridge for dinner...I think you all know what I mean.
Money-wise he resisted getting a joint account for ages. We now have one. I put all my salary into it. He puts in a set amount. Which we always go over. So I have to write begging emails justifying why we've gone over to e.g. buy a new mattress or the water bill was higher (because he left the hose on) or contents insurance or whatever. It's never that I had me nails done!!!
That's the background.
Yesterday, with depressing inevitability, I found an email thread with a woman he knew from Uni. Very flirty, offering to meet near hers, ours or his European base. Sex was mentioned. She then cancelled.
I took a screenshot (thanks MN!!!) which was as well because he then deleted them from Trash. He went through the usual script - minimising ('nothing happened'), blaming her ('she's mad!'), and me ('we both know something's wrong, I guess I should have spoken up') etc. But then he did retreat quickly to a 'maybe it's good you saw it, maybe it's the wake-up call I need'. That it had forced the issue etc. He suggested couples counselling and has taken responsibility to sort it. I told him if he was honest NOW there was a tiny % chance we could salvage something. But if he wasn't, and I later found something, which I would, then that was that. He admitted that maybe he was a 'bit overly familiar...inappropriate with women at work...but they're all married, pregnant...nothing serious, all banter'.
He has been offered a job based near home and is resigning tomorrow so that he can be with us. He said I should look at his actions not his words, and that is evidence that we are the most important thing for him and how serious he takes the need for him to change.
But then we also had a screaming session with him saying he resented 'funding the family doing something that makes me miserable' and me screaming back about how you don't effing 'fund' your own family, like he's giving us some kind of philanthropic grant or something, that it's a bloody partnership, that they're his children too, that if I didn't exist he'd be 'funding' a full time nanny and housekeeper and gardener and cook and PA and...He just can't see it. He equates being at home with having an easy life. But I work at work during the day, and then work at the family by night. And the weekends. He works during the day, and then apparently just sexts people in the evening and spoils the DTDs at the weekend.
ARRRRRRRGGGHHHHH.
This is too long already, sorry. I just can't seem to get my words right anymore on this or to him. It seems all too depressingly like the countless threads on here when I want to yell at somebody to stop being a mug. But now it's me.
My questions are:
- How do I get him to see it doesn't effin' matter that nothing happened. Only because she cancelled. It's just complete betrayal. I get miserable/bored/lonely too. I haven't had sex for 3 years. But I don't do that.
- How do I get him to see the inequity in terms of work-work and house/family-work?
- How do I get him to see the financial inequity? I just feel utterly precarious. I screamed at him yesterday that if he felt so hard done by he could bugger off and then would only have to give 10% of his precious money to the CSA and could hoard the rest. I give everything. All my savings have gone into the house.
- What should I insist on as demonstration of his fidelity and commitment? Passwords? A ring?
Thank you to anyone who has read this far. Hopefully I have cured your insomnia 
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