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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH asks Why I can't just be happy

57 replies

Eastereggjunkie · 14/05/2017 13:41

DH has no organisation skills whatsoever. He doesn't plan, schedule, consider anything, but often acts on impulse. I liked it when we first met, life was relaxed and laid back but now We have a DC together and a house we are decorating from top to bottom. He works very hard, but is so flighty and disorganised that all the planning and serious stuff falls on me.
DH asks me this question a lot: "why can't you just be happy?"
I want to be, I try to be, but I'm left infuriated a lot of the time by DH'S lack of focus and planning. The fact that we never seem to get out of the house on time when we've somewhere to be as a family, that he decides to mow the lawn 45 minutes before leaving the house when I need to shower, dress, get DC ready, make lunch and eat lunch before we leave. I feel like the only adult here.
Is there a way to tolerate this and "be happy?" After a blow up over this yesterday and me getting angry and upset infront of DC, I'm at the end of my tether.

OP posts:

NeoTrad · 14/05/2017 13:44

You need couple counseling to make him see sense. He is behaving like a toddler.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/05/2017 13:48

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What needs of yours does he meet?. You are really the only adult here and you have two children, you do not need a manchild as well.

Presumably he is not like this at work so his apparent flightiness and or incompetence here may well be a ploy to get out of the tasks he in his head has assigned to you or sees as your job.

Such learned incompetence is infact deliberate and undermines you as a person too.

Is this what you want to teach your children about relationships, its a crap model frankly to be showing them.

Naicehamshop · 14/05/2017 13:59

I always think that this sort of behaviour is a type of "control" - I won't fit in with your plans, or do what would make life easier for you... especially the "making you late for everything" behaviour.

Original poster

Eastereggjunkie · 14/05/2017 14:04

I'd hate to think that DH was doing it on purpose. I actually expected the "you ought to communicate better" response on MN to be honest and was ready to say that yesterday, I'd deliberately explained very frankly to DH exactly what I wanted to achieve in the time we had to get out of the house.

His reponse was "well we can always leave later." So that scuppers my time in the sun with my family before I need to leave for work at 5pm... great.
So.perhaps it is his way of controlling the time we had etc.

OP posts:

EllaHen · 14/05/2017 14:07

It truly sounds awful.

He never has to consider you or his own child, whereas you continually have to think about everything.

It is exhausting and you will become resentful.

mrholmes · 14/05/2017 14:13

You need to sit him down and tell him how you feel. Can you leave without him? Tell him if your not ready by x time we'll go without you.

Obviously this is a big problem for you and you need to express how BIG a problem it is. If he can't take your needs into consideration then that tells you everything. Maybe it just takes a bit of adjusting for him. Do you want to live like this for the rest of your relationship??

Naicehamshop · 14/05/2017 14:20

Yes, I think he is controlling your time and what you do with it.

Explain to him that you want to be at a certain place at a certain time, and explain why (more time with your family etc) and then if necessary go without him. Sounds a bit drastic but he needs to learn that his behaviour is impacting on you in a very negative way.

user93483098350593850000 · 14/05/2017 14:22

Read up on passive-aggression.

He is making sure you never get what you want or need.

He goads you subtly in a way it's hard to call him on because he "seems" so reasonable.

You lose your rag and he blinks innocently that he doesn't know what is wrong and why are you such a meanie?

It's a dance you are in, OP. When you open your eyes and see it for what it is and start making changes in how you react, he will up his ante and not be a laid-back as he appears.

Original poster

Eastereggjunkie · 14/05/2017 14:23

I would leave without him, but he generally tends to get DC ready so that I can get myself ready. It only takes him a couple of minutes to get ready himself. I will.often assume he's getting DC ready, or is about to when he will actually he doing something else. It's not that he's not doing anything at all, it's that he's doing unnecessary things all at the wrong times when we've somewhere to be etc which then holds me up because he hasn't been doing what I'd asked or thought he was doing whilst I've been busy cleaning or getting myself ready. Does that make sense? I often need to do x, y and z before we leave the house (clean up breakfast dishes etc) of course I can always leave regardless but we would only return to them later on.

OP posts:

user93483098350593850000 · 14/05/2017 14:26

It's not that he's not doing anything at all, it's that he's doing unnecessary things all at the wrong times when we've somewhere to be etc which then holds me up because he hasn't been doing what I'd asked or thought he was doing

Exactly!

He knows perfectly well what you want and what you need.

He makes sure you don't get it.

He doesn't do this by lying in bed or watching TV. That would be too obvious. He does it by being oh-so-busy with something else. Something that doesn't matter. If you call him on it or moan to someone else, he can say, "Well, I was only...Easter is never happy...".

Joysmum · 14/05/2017 14:26

I have a dh who is much the same.

The thing to ask yourself is whether this is a behaviour just limited to you and the things you feel are important, or whether this is something he does around things that are important to him too?

In my case, I'm highly organised, dh wings it. These behaviours hold true throughout all aspects of our lives. He often cocks up on the simplest things that relate to things important to him so it not a behaviour designed to be controlling or reserved only for me.

How is your dh in other situations not relating to you? Is he just the same in other aspects of his life?

mrholmes · 14/05/2017 14:32

That's a good question. Does he do this with anything that is important to him?

If he does he's just a Div. I know someone who does this but he also does it with things when it only effects him. A procrastinator. I wouldn't jump to passive aggressive just yet we don't know him or the extent of his behaviour

faerveren · 14/05/2017 14:49

Yes my OH is like this to some extent - and it is in every part of his life. When it is something important I need to plan it - and make sure he sticks to the plan. He will never be a manager he needs too much direction.

He is not a man child - he is not passive aggressive - he is just a shit time manager and has too many thoughts in his head - and lacks concentration. He has many other qualities that I admire and - fortunately I'm an ace organiser.

Sometimes the differences that attract us to a partner in the early days are the same differences that irritate us later in the relationship.

user93483098350593850000 · 14/05/2017 14:52

DH asks me this question a lot: "why can't you just be happy?

You say that you are upset and at the end of your tether and all you get from DH is the above comment? I am surprised he doesn't want to work with you on this to at least meet you halfway.

Is there a way to tolerate this and "be happy?"

I don't know that you should have to tolerate this. Partnerships are built on compromise. You could be the one who always compromises. You won''t be happy, but you could be unhappy silently. Which is what I suspect your DH really wants.

MargotMoon · 14/05/2017 14:54

This would utterly infuriate me. I think PP who are jumping to the conclusion that he is abusive and controlling are going a bit OTT but his behaviour is plain selfish. Some people are just crap at thinking things through and underestimate how bloody long everything takes.

Next time you have something to do you could explain to him why it is important to you that you leave on time, or alternatively start telling him you need to be out the house an hour before you actually do...

Lweji · 14/05/2017 14:58

Does he do this when getting ready to work?

Or just before you visit your family? Or you have a day out planned?

user1479302027 · 14/05/2017 15:01

I think people are seriously overreacting, with all the talk of controlling behaviour. All men should be punished for the tiniest incompetence. He sounds alright. Your advice to yourself sounds better than half the over aggressive responses we have seen - talk to him, give him a pep talk before you are all getting ready. Eg, you wake up, ' I would feel Great if we could leave the house by 10, so I mentally feel better before work'. ' mowing the lawn is great, but maybe not a priority right now' (surely this could have led to done gentle ribbing?'. I dunno, why do people want decent couples to split up so much?

EnglishGirlApproximately · 14/05/2017 15:02

Dp is just like this, just a utter lack of focus and organisation when it comes to household matters. I don't for one minute think he's passive aggressive or controlling, he doesn't organise his own time well either but as that doesn't effect me I just try to ignore it.

I don't have an answer OP, just a lot of sympathy.

user93483098350593850000 · 14/05/2017 15:07

I'm just putting it out there as something to consider. I could well be way off-base. Full disclosure - my reaction is based on realising my DH was PA and it got way, way more obvious as time went on. It ended up not being confined to stuff like this, but much more serious. I hadn't known about the behaviour until I met DH and slowly thought I was going mad.

Doesn't mean this is your problem, OP. I certainly don't want you to split up as suggested by a pp! None of my business - but you did ask and this jumped out at me.

Hope things get better for you.

junebirthdaygirl · 14/05/2017 15:30

Its all about consequences. Otherwise hou are a nagging voice in his ear. Tell him what time youre leaving and just go. Dont give out dont remind him just go. My dh was like this. He would start cleaning out the shed when visitors were due instead of running around doing the last few bits. Then all affronted because l was delighted with the shed. Im also a great believer in letting rip. Just let him have it. Its the greatest robbing of your peace and so annoying. After consequences and letting rip my dh has improved immensely. And notes or texts instead of my voice is my final weapon. It works

Original poster

Eastereggjunkie · 14/05/2017 15:36

OK so thinking about this, DH is definitely like this is many walks of life. Very much a day dreamer and procrastinator.
June: I definitely let rip! I can't not, it drives me so insane that it's hard not to. Can definitely imagine my DH clearing out the shed when visitors are due to arrive too!
Some really good support on this thread. Thanks

OP posts:

thecownextdoor · 14/05/2017 15:52

NellieFiveBellies · 14/05/2017 15:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thecownextdoor · 14/05/2017 16:06

Thanks @Lweji for your question.

He can get away with his behaviour because you are there to finish what he didn't do. You are there to pickup the pieces when you want things done.
He sees as the wife who has to do everything and if you don't and ask him to do it, you become the nagging wife who is never happy. You are the nagging wife. The hated nagging wife.
Your Dh is not the only man who does this.
Most men who complain about nagging wives where not brought up to do women's work. Any help you need from them will be nagging instead of leaving them to potter around doing nothing like the kids in the house. Don't you know he does longs hours and he is a wonderful dad with the children? Am being sarcastic here.

Anyone who this such behaviour is ok needs their head checked.

mrholmes · 14/05/2017 16:06

Letting rip is only going to possibly benefit you for a small moment then him. Once you let rip you'll just get responses like

Your crazy
You've lost it
Your such a nag
What's wrong with you

An amazing way to deflect from the current issue of yours.

Talking to him calmly, asking him to listen to you and respect how you feel. If it continues personally you have no choice but not to rely on him, get the kids ready yourself and just go. You have a choice to take care of your own sanity or just let this continue.

Personally I don't think I could put up with this. I would find it disrespectful and selfish.

It's not something that is going to happen overnight but you really need to tell him this is making you feel really unhappy no matter how small he thinks this is and you feel he has a low opinion of what you need.

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