DH asks Why I can't just be happy

[Eastereggjunkie]

DH has no organisation skills whatsoever. He doesn't plan, schedule, consider anything, but often acts on impulse. I liked it when we first met, life was relaxed and laid back but now We have a DC together and a house we are decorating from top to bottom. He works very hard, but is so flighty and disorganised that all the planning and serious stuff falls on me.
DH asks me this question a lot: "why can't you just be happy?"
I want to be, I try to be, but I'm left infuriated a lot of the time by DH'S lack of focus and planning. The fact that we never seem to get out of the house on time when we've somewhere to be as a family, that he decides to mow the lawn 45 minutes before leaving the house when I need to shower, dress, get DC ready, make lunch and eat lunch before we leave. I feel like the only adult here.
Is there a way to tolerate this and "be happy?" After a blow up over this yesterday and me getting angry and upset infront of DC, I'm at the end of my tether.

thecownextdoor - please don't generalise. There are plenty of women that do this too. I understand this is a women's forum but in my relationship I am always waiting for my partner no matter how late I leave it to get ready.

I would love to know how many nagging husbands are out there?
There isn't even a name for nagging husbands or male partners.

Maybe because men don't nag and all women are nags. (Generalisation Anyone)

I am like that myself, at least a bit.
I hate panning and like spontaneity.
I have to, often - or else kids and me will be late everywhere. And we are, often. Not to things i consider important, but to other things where i find it's OK to be.
But it doesn't stress me. Life is too short.

H is different. He gets stressed and l loves planning and looking at options - say for holidays with me.
While i am more like - don't show me the options, i don't want to think about it and make choices and commitments....

I guess what I am trying to say - people are different. These personality traits are not meant to hurt the other person in the relationship.
They just are part of who people are.

Expecting a person to change after years of being a certain way is unrealistic.
Learning to live with that, and learning to 'nudge' him into being an easier life-partner - is possible.
And is part of "just being happy".

If he is late then take the car and go out leaving him with toddler, tell him you will see him there and call a taxi

User2027 - why do people on here want to split happy couples up? Maybe because they read the bit where the op said she was "angry, upset and at the end of her tether", so not actually all that happy??

Josuk Completely understand but when kids and certain things are involved surely compromise is key. We all have to change ourselves and adapt otherwise I'd still be in the pub every weekend until 4am and letting my partner deal with everything??

He sounds really like me although I work hard on improving but I'm actually undergoing assessment for ADHD.

MrHolmes - agreed.
Compromise is key.
However - it won't work if the compromises are one-sided.

Both sides might need to change.
Also - i find that some battles are more/less important than others.

My hubby could have written your post about me. He says I have absolutely no concept of time and I float through days and to do lists. I respond by saying that what he thinks to do is important, and what I think is important to do, are different. I wouldn't notice grass needs cut til it was up to my knees whereas I delay us going out if the bed (ours) is unmade or there is still lego on the floor!!!!
I don't mean to minimise your distress - if you think he isn't being controlling and is a daydreamer it could be that whole concept of time thing. Research recently said how creative people are often late, miss deadlines because they underestimate how long things will take to do. These days hubby will say for instance in the morning before we are going somewhere at a certain time, what are you doing before x time. Then when I list activity a, b, c he says nope, no time for b. And by the way, that's not him being controlling just he will point out that I can't take child a-b, go for a run, do the shop and straighten my hair all in two hours, whereas I think of course I can (and then not :/ and haven't even factored in family food, everyone showering - stuff!!!). So compromise and conversation def important. At work I am organised but home is different and that absolutely does not mean DP and others are not valued.
Hubby quite often is "Perdy! Ffs did you not think to do x" Me: erm, no..... with no offence or genuine idea it might have been a good idea or important (in his world). So what josuk and Mr Holmes said, you need to identify your battles

He may be distracted and creative, but he shouldn't keep dismissing you the way he does. Can't he see you're upset?

borttagen my impression was adult ADHD as well.

I'm terrible at being on time and I have ADHD. I can be getting ready, with a good amount of time available, then I will see something and my brain will go "ooh look! I need to do that NOW" and bam I'm distracted and end up late.

DH is very punctual and this drives him to distraction. Generally he just pesters me about getting ready in the lead up to leaving the house, if he sees me getting distracted. He, on the other hand, has no concept of long lead times e.g. booking tradies for big jobs, so I deal with things like that. Swings and roundabouts, I suppose.

But we are both relatively self-aware and understand that these are our own issues. We don't try and blame each other. If he talks to me like a toddler when I'm getting distracted ready I do get cross with him though.

Being disorganised and bad at time management does not equal 'being creative'.

He sounds like a selfish man who regards you as his mummy. Deeply unsexy. Do you even still fancy him?

DH is definitely like this is many walks of life. Very much a day dreamer and procrastinator

There you go then, it's not personal or a case of him not caring enough.

If he can't even be better for himself, he's not going to be better for you and there's little you can do to change it.

I tell dh to be ready 1/2 hour before needed and ask more of him than I want. That way when he falls short he's close to what I wanted anyway!

My DH is like this, but it's not done on purpose. I'm convinced if he was a child now he'd be diagnosed with ADHD. I'm not being flippant, but this video sums him up to a tee.

I doubt he upsets you intentionally. In terms of his Myers Briggs personality type, he would be an extreme "P" type (go with the flow) and you'd be a "J" (planner). These two types frustrate each other greatly just by being who they are. Neither is better than the other -- sometimes "P" is the best way to be, sometimes "J" is better, just depends on the lifestyle and circumstance.

Unfortunately, people don't change without being pretty miserable about it. You can't be less "J", and he can't be less "P".

You need to accept him as he is, or move on, IMO. If it were me, I'd move on. It's not meant to be this hard. There are at least 1 billion other men on this earth of marriageable age to choose from. Sorry.

The frustration is not going to be healthy for you long term, or short term.

If you can not make your peace with it, ( choose to not let it bother you) and move ahead without relying on him (and I agree with leaving without him) then you may need to reconsider the relationship.

You can not force him to be cooperative. He can not force you to shut up about it. But that will be doing the same formula and getting the same results over and over.

How long does it take you to get ready- do you mean an hour or more to wash/dry hair and full make-up? Do you get ready first and then get the dc ready, or are you expecting dc to stay well turned out while you are getting ready?

It may be exactly like you are a single parent, except in the the relationship you may be shouldering oppressive amounts of resentment as well.

As mentioned earlier in the thread, I would consider the possibility of adult ADHD if the behaviour occurs in other settings too. I have it myself (diagnosed about a year ago, at 36) and often think I would be an utter nightmare to live with. Divorce rates are significantly higher amongst ADHD sufferers. My husband also has ADHD, so I think that I don't notice a lot of the behaviours that others would find absolutely enraging, as I think of it as "normal". I am not medicated (yet!!), but he is, and it had made a significant difference. We are always still late though, but without "blame" and have tried to put in systems to help us with our weaknesses.

Alternatively, your husband could just be an arse.

@magicstar1, you can be diagnosed as an adult. It changed my life.,

It is a bit odd to marry someone who's daydreamy and a procrastinator then get cross when they day dream and procrastinate. Can you find areas of compromise or are you actually wanting him to become somebody else?

I was going to suggest ADHD as well with the no concept of time and getting distracted.
The million-dollar question is: does he do this for things that HE finds important? Is he often late to work, does he arrive late to football matches or whatever else hes interested in?

Sorry to post again

One thing I forgot to mention is how my dh's traits means that he's actually very good at being more flexible and problem solving than I am. He's the person you want on your side when the shit hits the fan.

My need to plan and be organised makes me overly anxious when my plans don't go right or I've neglected to plan for all possibilities so this makes me too set in my ways.

I've made peace with our differences because the 2 of us together are pretty unbearable actually. Doesn't mean we don't get annoyed at our differences, but actually the more time goes on the less annoyed we are because we've learned to specialise and appreciate the strengths and weaknesses of us.

Doesn't have to to be all doom and gloom if you can reframe your thinking

Thanks all for the helpful comments.
In response to whether DH is late for work. No. Rarely. However, if he is ever running late, he would think nothing about skipping breakfast, not brushing his teeth, or looking in the mirror to check his hair before leaving. It's more about what he prioritises that seems to be the problem.
Leaving the house without him would never work as he would down tools straight away and be out of the door with me, leaving total chaos behind him and it wouldnt bother him in the slightest, but it would still bother me. It's the things we need to do before leaving the house that he will pass up on for doing things that aren't important. For example: clearing up the breakfast dishes. He would happily leave them sitting there only to return to them later on. I do feel bad saying this as it's not like he's sitting around doing nothing at all, he's constantly on the go, but doing all the most unneccessary things.
I find it difficult when posters say to accept it and for me to organise him. I don't like organising him as much as he doesn't like organising him, so why should it all come down to me?
Another example of the type of behaviour is yesterday evening. At 10.15 pm I could hear hammering and drilling on the landing upstairs. DC in bed. I usually go to bed between 10 and half past and found DH putting together a large ikea unit on the landing. Great, but why that time of night? I argued that DC was asleep and that I needed to unwind before going to bed not stepping over pieces of wood and listening to hammering and drilling. I need to relax before I go to sleep.
DH looked at me as if I was speaking a foreign language "I don't know what your problem is?" He then did pack everything away very loudly taking until 10.40. And it's not as if he's "realised" it wasn't the right time either as he will be sulky about it. So even if I do try organising/nudging him when to do/not do things it just backfires on me as DH doesn't want to be nudged or organised.