DH asks Why I can't just be happy

[Eastereggjunkie]

DH has no organisation skills whatsoever. He doesn't plan, schedule, consider anything, but often acts on impulse. I liked it when we first met, life was relaxed and laid back but now We have a DC together and a house we are decorating from top to bottom. He works very hard, but is so flighty and disorganised that all the planning and serious stuff falls on me.
DH asks me this question a lot: "why can't you just be happy?"
I want to be, I try to be, but I'm left infuriated a lot of the time by DH'S lack of focus and planning. The fact that we never seem to get out of the house on time when we've somewhere to be as a family, that he decides to mow the lawn 45 minutes before leaving the house when I need to shower, dress, get DC ready, make lunch and eat lunch before we leave. I feel like the only adult here.
Is there a way to tolerate this and "be happy?" After a blow up over this yesterday and me getting angry and upset infront of DC, I'm at the end of my tether.

I don't like organising him as much as he doesn't like organising him, so why should it all come down to me?

It shouldn't. But you can't set the standards unilaterally and then expect him to just comply. That's a recipe for resentment.

It sounds like you need to have a wide-ranging chat about household principles that everyone subscribes to (consideration for others e.g. don't make noise that will wake people up; be punctual; come home to a tidy house ie tidy before you leave it etc). Then let everyone decide HOW they adhere to these principles, don't micromanage.

That's very helpful advice Intransige. Thanks. I do worry how long these principles would be considered and acknowledged before reverting back to auto-pilot though. Don't mean to sound obstructive, but it has happened before.

He must have some things that he would like changed though? If you're frustrated he presumably is too, so this wouldn't just be for you. You could also book in some "checkpoints" to stop it sliding back into old habits e.g. once a month get a babysitter, go out for some couple time and check in with each other to see if it's working?

To me you both sound extreme. If I was going to be late for something I'd just leave the dishes too. I think you sound quite stressy.
But I wouldn't think 10:30 was a good time to build flatpack. He sounds too flighty.

Because you're both quite extreme in different ways I'm not sure you'll come to an easy agreement but could you agree to differ and agree that neither of you are right or wrong all the time and maybe work on your communication styles around the issue instead?

For example you seem to feel your priorities are objectively the right ones. Maybe he disagrees. Can you actually try listening to each other a bit

This sounds very much like ADHD to me. My dh has been diagnosed this week after years of us knowing that he had ADHD characteristics but only recently have we both admitted the negative impact it has on both our lives.
My dh is rarely late but he gets incredibly stressed about being late because he has to put a huge amount of effort in to keep himself on track. I think for a lot of people with ADHD it's not that they can't be on time or stay focussed on a task at all, it's that doing so takes a disproportionate effort and leaves them exhausted. A lot of people manage to keep their head above water at work but can't keep up the act to do the same at home as well.
My dh is incredibly inflexible and struggles to see others points of view. It comes across as abusive and for a long time he was, now we have a better understanding of what is going on behind the behaviour and we both look at it differently.
I am at the point now where the medication can't kick in soon enough though, it is incredibly exhausting for me especially as dh is also diagnosed with ADHD (and autism too) and dd has plenty of characteristics too! I am sometimes very lonely being the only non-hyperactive person in the house and my needs come very low on the agenda almost always.

Dh always used to ask me why I couldn't just be happy and I've spent years reading self help books to get my head in the 'right place'. It has helped enormously but looking back the only help I needed was how to deal with living in an ADHD household.
It's so obvious to me now why I wasn't 'just happy' before. I hope that medication for dh will enable me and dh to live happy together for the future, I'm too tired to continue 'giving in and going along' with his mad schemes forever.