have i really lost her

[eddie86c]

Hi all,
I know im probably gonna get a lot of stick on here and I know its well deserved.

So 2 months ago the mother of my child left me and rightly took our son with her. The reason she left was due to my aggression (I would like to make it clear I never phyisically hurt her or little man but I did loose my temper and shout and even broke a mirror I know that doesn't make things any better). The other reasons she left was me being very down and depressive, taking this out on her along with smoking a lot of weed. I'm not excusing my behaviour

I have written to her to apologise for my behaviour. She lets me have our son every weekend and I do give her money for him.

When she first left I was very needy and couldn't let go (yet more bad behaviour on my part). She has subsequently told me she only wants to talk if it is about little man and that she no longer loves me.

This has all been a major wake up call for me I've stoped the weed (fags aswell for that matter) and am generally trying to improve myself have started to exercise every day and have seen Dr to get help with depression and anger management (appointments start on 2nd June). I have always worked but am doing a lot of overtime in addition now. I'm doing all this to be a better person and a better dad to out son.

The thing is I do still love her a great deal and would like someday o be given a 2nd chance at happiness with her am I being unrealistic in this hope or is it a dream worth hanging on to. I really can't see myself ever being with someone else. I really don't know where to go from here to prove that i can be a better man and that I'm worth giving a 2nd chance to.

For now, you need to concentrate on yourself and making fast these changes you are working on. FOR YOU. And if you love her at all you will treat her with respect and keep your feelings for her to yourself.

I will say this though, I believe you can change. My own DH had an anger problem, his took the form of words only. No throwing or breaking things. He changed. I gave him an ultimatum and he knew I meant business so he followed through. It was very hard and painful for him to realize how his behaviour affected others. This was many years ago and we have now been married 30 years.

But realize that whilst I chose to give him a chance, your ex does NOT have to give you one and it sounds as if she's made her decision. I'm merely using this to show that you can change if you really want to.

She's terrified of you. I would be, too.

The thing is, no matter what you do to change, she's seen what you're capable of. It's like when people cheat, the cheated on partner is always left wondering if they could do it again, and the unhappy memories stay forever.

Ha! Povertypain you posted exactly what I was going to after reading the first post!

"there was no conscious choice to be aggressive"

What, it just happened and you had no control over it? Because I'm pretty confident that you made sure you only ever abused her in private. I'm also confident you don't have a problem controlling your aggression around other men.

Be grateful you're seeing your son, because you wouldn't be anywhere near mine.

I am also very wary of the sudden personality transformation -it just doesn't happen so quickly unless there is a script to be followed to the letter. Ie, it is not genuine, intentionally or otherwise. Emotions (anger) don't work like that, op

I didn't think about my actions I just reacted. I never once though today i will be aggressive

So which is it ? - you can change and improve and control it, or it is totally out of your control and you don;t know what 'came over you'.

Can;t have it both ways - either you knew exactly what you were doing - in which case she needs to keep well clear,
Or you have absolutely no control - who knows when the urge to become aggressive may come upon you again/ - In which case she needs to keep well clear.

Can you even begin to imagine what it is like to live with someone aggressive - and never know when they are going to kick off, to always be treading on eggshells, to always be frightened about what they might do, to always pray they aren't going to wake up in a bad mood today, to lie awake at night hoping they are asleep and not going to have a go at you in the night, unable to sleep because you always have to be on your guard ?

Two months and you think you've changed? What about your wife and what she went through - it will take her a lot longer than two months to recover from what you did to her.

gallavich and homity wow people in life do fuck up . i was talk generally about 2nd chances ,and if you are genuine and realise what you have done 2nd chances can work. just because you get a 2nd chance does not mean you can go back to your old ways. and with 2nd chances they are zero tolarance of previous issues and last chances .we don,t have the full story so can only give general advice . for all this to happen in 6 months a change of character, agression all common systems of depression nice to see in these enlighten times of mental health awareness the understand of people

I understand domestic violence very well. That is why I know that it's not a recent change, it's not a mental health issue and the man is very likely to do it again. There is no 'deserving' a second chance when you have abused someone.
If someone sexually abused your child but went to therapy and was really remorseful would they deserve a second chance to babysit?
If you were raped but they had therapy and were really remorseful would you give them a second chance and let them in your home?

"I really can't see myself ever being with someone else. I really don't know where to go from here to prove that i can be a better man and that I'm worth giving a 2nd chance to."
This is really just all about you and what you want.
Stop navel-gazing about how to "prove" you're now a better man, just get on and be one. You can't possibly know if you're worth a second chance yet. Or even safe to be given one.
You say you "do give her money for him". Are you giving her enough? The most you possibly can?
Also, stop calling him a "little man". He can't be more than two? He is not much more than a baby. A very vulnerable child who had been subject to your violent outbursts.

Abusive men are not mentally ill, though a lot of them like to pretend they are.

OP well done for getting your shit together firstly. A lot of users are slamming you, and yeah you've been a dick, but you're recognising it and actively changing it. Not a lot of people have the balls to do that.

Secondly, you need to get out of the mindset that, by the time you've got your life sorted you can win her back.
It's unfair of you to expect her to wait, and unfortunately the damage may already be done.

Sometimes you need something really drastic to happen to give you a kick up the ass and sort your life out.

Yes you may have lost the live of your life, but you've definitely made a good start in ensuring your little man has a great father and role model to look up to.

Some people are more pre disposed to being aggressive due to their genes and or upbringing. It can be stressful to be in a relationship especially with a young child too with all the sleepless nights, and compromises and this can lead to anger and frustration. Most people know how to keep these angry thoughts and frustrations under control. For people who already have anger management issues the use of weed can exacerbate the feelings of anger.
Perhaps you are feeling somewhat better now because you are out of the stressful situation of trying to deal with family life and all that entails.
I do believe that people can change but it's not easy at all for most of us to overhaul our personality and behaviour. Keep working on trying to improve yourself; this can only bring about a better outlook for yourself and your young son.

Povertypain I also wondered the same thing

OP: several points your first and subsequent posts raise:

1. you are still blaming outside factors, rather than your own mindset and attitudes. depression. weed. just to be clear there is NO causal link between smoking weed and aggressive behaviour. I had this nonsense off my abusive ex for years, and it simply isn't true. the only substances that have a proven effect on aggression are anabolic steroids and crack.

2. she has told you she doesn't love you anymore. that should be enough. if you truly respected her autonomy, you wouldn't be trying to 'win' her back. This is a very damaging idea that both men and women buy into: the harder someone tries to get you back, the more they ignore your entreaties to be left alone, and the longer they spend attempting to resuscitate a relationship that is already dead, the more they must love you. It's nonsense. It means they don't respect your wishes (and real love is founded on respect) and deep down, still believe they know what is best for you.

3. you mention you want a 'second' chance. i am fairly sure she didn't leave you the first time you behaved abusively: women rarely do. I'd hazard a guess you on your eighth or ninth or tenth chance by the time she left, but the implication here - that this was basically the first time you fucked up - speaks to the fact you are STILL minimising past behaviour.

4. You've given up weed, and you're seeing a counsellor. All steps in the right direction, so well done. BUT I'm not sure anger management is the most appropriate treatment for abusers. Often, it just equips them with 'softer' strategies to manage their errant partners. Men like you need to get into a high quality programme specifically tailored for abusive partners. The Freedom Programme is well thought of (and I think offers a men's course, but not sure, you'd need to check).

Good luck with the changes you are making, and hopefully it will continue. But I really would leave your ex alone now, she was acting in her and her son's best interests, and if you love her as much as you say you do, you should respect that decision.

I bet she's on mumsnet, isn't she, op? Are you hoping if she reads this and you get the wording just right, she'll think you've changed? You are saying so many of the right things I think you've got the script down to a fine art.

Oh hell. This didn't occur to me but the more I think about it, the more likely it sounds.

I shouldn't, but I'm always a bit suspicious of men who insert themselves into predominantly female spaces like this one. I know some of them are completely cool (dammit, @PigletJohn come back already) but a lot of the time there really are ulterior motives and it's always something I watch out for. Because I do tend to find that a lot of them will try to style themselves as cool, sensitive New Men, but if you look at what they post, where, when and why, you see that often they are just very threatened and unhappy with the idea that women are having robust discussions about important matters regarding sex and relationships without any Male Input. It makes me shudder.

But yes, this looks more and more likely now. Exactly what sort of response were you hoping for, OP? What was your motive?

eddie, who known what your ex-partner is going to decide to do, but fwiw I would not return to an abusive relationship I have managed to leave.

Having said that, you are accepting you've made mistakes and you are starting to work on yourself, so well done and carry on. Do this for you and your son.

Ask yourself whether you have every been shouty/smashed a mirror in the presence of your, say, colleague or boss or next door neighbour? No? Well, you are one of those men feels the need to dominate women, usually the woman they are with.
Re not having acted deliberately when you turned abusive: it is still a choice or at least a learnt way of reacting. Everybody gets angry from time to time, it's how quickly somebody angers, and what they do with that anger.
Shouting or hitting inanimate objects is NOT acceptable and it often escalates from there.

I would advise you to keep looking very critically at your past actions/behaviours, engage in whatever counselling you are going to have, be a good father to your son and teach him how to behave as a good human being (somebody who respects others, including women) and your life will be a happier one.

Depression/MH issues are never any kind of justification for bad/violent behaviour - don't even go there!

I agree PoorYorick. What I also sense is certain male presence on here are trying to reel in weaker/vulnerable/gullible females. Even more shudder.

You haven't answered my question, op. Is your poor girl friend on Mumsnet? If she is, I have a message for her.

Please don't get back with a man that is trying to manipulate you by playing out an abuser's script for you to read on a site where you now longer feel you can ask for help. hes trying to play you. Keep yourself and your child safe and gave a future where you won't be living in fear. Good luck.

I am sorry to hear that. But I can understand why she has left you, as my partner smokes a lot of weed, and he is on a very fine line at the moment. He accepts it is a problem but has no desire to stop it, and his habit and the secretiveness of it when my parents come down create a very bad mood on his part. At least you have bettered yourself for you and your son and cutting out the weed and cigarettes is a giant step so well done. Maybe if you stick with it for a period of time you may be able to get back to where you were but accept that it may not be the case, but be happy that it's kickstarted you to get your life back on track. All the best.

I bet she's on mumsnet, isn't she, op? Are you hoping if she reads this and you get the wording just right, she'll think you've changed?

Exactly what I was thinking.

Creepy as fuck.

Call me a cynic but i can't think of a single reason for you to post this here other than you think she might see it.

Regardless, I think you are nowhere near realising the extent of your abusive behaviour or the damage you've done. Whilst on the face of it your posts are full of regret and remorse there is so much minimising, excusing and bullshitting going on I wouldn't trust you for a second.

On the off-chance that you do genuinely want to be a better person consider this. You have developed into an abuser and a bully over many years, through childhood, adolescence and into adulthood. That is who you are right now. You are not going to undo all that programing with a handful of counselling sessions and a few crocodile tears. If you are to change, and that's a big if, it is going to take a lot of time, hard work and professional support. You're talking years, not months. Even then, the chances of you regressing are very high unless your next relationship is with someone who has zero tolerance for bullying, controlling or abusive behaviour. Taking all that into account, I would urge you to accept that you should give up any hope of getting back with your ex-partner ever.

I bet he'll not be back now.

sorry gall my comments are to the person involved on what he said .don,t know how it,s jumped to child abuse and rapist . did not see that in post . did, not really want to share but it will justify my response my partner had very serve depression ,turned her into a person i did not reconise withdrawn and very aggressive. it all came to ahead when she lashed out this was the turning point and she got help with depression and it,s now behind us .each situation is different but if the guy is genuine and trying to get his life back on track . how is saying you have no chance and you don,t deserve another chance going to help him . when i said every one deserve a second chance my comment was about what he had written .rapist and child abuse i agree goes with out saying you would not give them a second chance

If you are ever going to be a safe father to your DC and partner to any one you really desperately need to address this feeling of 'it was out of my control'.

It may be true that you really feel you 'just reacted' but that is because you do not have the necessary self awareness, beliefs and other components of a person who is not abusive.

You need to learn the reasons why you chose to react aggressively if you are to teach yourself to become non-abusive.

Also recognise that the consequence in this whole thing is not that your partner has left you after 6 months of aggressive behaviour, but that you are an abusive partner and have likely simply escalated your abusive behaviour over the last 6 months of the relationship.

You need to recognise, admit and be responsible for ALL the abusive behaviours and beliefs you have and learn what it looks like to NOT be abusive to a partner.

Look through all your relationships, not just the last 6 months of this recent one, with new eyes.

I can tell you what the likely consequences for her will be (and probably previous GFs too) of your behaviour. Flashbacks, nightmares, agoraphobia, loss of self worth/esteem, loss of trust in the world, depression, anxiety etc that lasts for the medium to long term.

For you it may of been 6 months of being a bit aggressive but the emotional consequences for her will be a long time of pain, mistrust and fear of the world.