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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

have i really lost her

86 replies

eddie86c · 14/05/2017 13:05

Hi all,
I know im probably gonna get a lot of stick on here and I know its well deserved.

So 2 months ago the mother of my child left me and rightly took our son with her. The reason she left was due to my aggression (I would like to make it clear I never phyisically hurt her or little man but I did loose my temper and shout and even broke a mirror I know that doesn't make things any better). The other reasons she left was me being very down and depressive, taking this out on her along with smoking a lot of weed. I'm not excusing my behaviour

I have written to her to apologise for my behaviour. She lets me have our son every weekend and I do give her money for him.

When she first left I was very needy and couldn't let go (yet more bad behaviour on my part). She has subsequently told me she only wants to talk if it is about little man and that she no longer loves me.

This has all been a major wake up call for me I've stoped the weed (fags aswell for that matter) and am generally trying to improve myself have started to exercise every day and have seen Dr to get help with depression and anger management (appointments start on 2nd June). I have always worked but am doing a lot of overtime in addition now. I'm doing all this to be a better person and a better dad to out son.

The thing is I do still love her a great deal and would like someday o be given a 2nd chance at happiness with her am I being unrealistic in this hope or is it a dream worth hanging on to. I really can't see myself ever being with someone else. I really don't know where to go from here to prove that i can be a better man and that I'm worth giving a 2nd chance to.

OP posts:
Notmyrealname85 · 14/05/2017 13:33

You should also praise your ex for what she did - think about it... If you heard of a babysitter treating your son the way you had, you'd protect him and get him away from that danger ASAP.

She's done the right thing - show her you can be a safe parent too.

Original poster
eddie86c · 14/05/2017 13:40

I am proud of her for leaving me, as it was the best thing for her and little man and now with a clearer head than I had when she left I can see I was best for me aswell, I am respecting her wishes and leaving her alone unless it is to do with our son.

OP posts:
floraeasy · 14/05/2017 13:40

Great point, Notmyrealname85

gamerchick · 14/05/2017 13:45

Good, now all you have to do is eliminate the time frame in your head she is to forgive you in. Accept that there is no going back on this one and instead concentrate on yourself so you can have equal fulfilling relationships in the future with someone else.

Don't treat this as a way to get her back, if you do then you really haven't changed at all.

Confutatis · 14/05/2017 13:47

Some good advice above. Concentrate 100% of your efforts on being the best possible Dad you can be.

Original poster
eddie86c · 14/05/2017 13:56

Again thank you all for your comments and advice. I would like to reiterate that the changes im making are for me and my son nothing more. It is clear from most of the advice I need to let go of the dream of making a family complete again.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 14/05/2017 13:57

You still haven't addressed the source of the problem. Why did you feel ENTITLED to be an aggressive dopehead? Because make no mistake, your behaviour was a choice you made.You could have been the good partner, the good dad. You CHOSE not to be. You PREFERRED dope and aggression towards her. WHY?

Original poster
eddie86c · 14/05/2017 14:05

I admit I chose to chase getting high instead of being a better partner but there was no conscious choice to be aggressive, from my initial mental health assessment it could me part and parcel of smoking the weed but is somthing myself and councilor will be working on.

OP posts:
HomityBabbityPie · 14/05/2017 14:06

Of course you made a conscious choice to be aggressive Confused

KurriKurri · 14/05/2017 14:09

the dream of making a family complete again.

This sentence amongst other makes me feel you have not changed .This is emotionally manipulative language - you are trying to manipulate both us the readers of this to feel sorry for you and if you say this to your X wife you are trying to make her feel that she is denying your son the chance of a complete family.

Her family is complete - it consists of her and your son - you don't have to be in it to make it a fulfilling, loving, happy and well functioning family for your son.

Sorry if I have misjudged you, but I have heard so much of this crap before.
Be unselfish and decent - leave her alone.

I'm afraid don't feel sorry for you, I feel sorry for your X - you no doubt made her life miserable while you were with her and now you won't let her get on with her life, because everything is all about you.

Original poster
eddie86c · 14/05/2017 14:09

It was no conscious choice, I didn't think about my actions I just reacted. I never once though today i will be aggressive.

OP posts:
floraeasy · 14/05/2017 14:09

Just work with your counsellor Eddie to examine your behaviour and motivations. No point in battling it out here. You've accepted your relationship is likely over and there's nothing more you can do for now.

Good luck with it all.

StewieGMum · 14/05/2017 14:10

You made choices. Your choices resulted in abusive behaviour towards your former partner and your son. 2 months is NOTHING, especially when you're all ready minimising and excusing your behaviour as 'outside your control'. Frankly, your lucky she lets you see your son. I certainly wouldn't allow you anywhere near my children.

rightwhine · 14/05/2017 14:11

I think it might be a case of "too little, too late" for her. I think your behaviour rightly killed any love for you, however a huge well done for sorting yourself out. The future looks positive for you and your son. You can co-parent him to the best of your abilities in an amicable way and whilst you might not think or want it now, a great new relationship could be in your future when you are ready.
Good luck and be proud of yourself for taking steps to sort yourself out. Just continue to treat exdp with courtesy and respect.

HomityBabbityPie · 14/05/2017 14:12

I didn't think about my actions I just reacted. I never once though today i will be aggressive.

That sentence shows me you do not have any understanding of your own behaviour. It's a huge cop out.

HomityBabbityPie · 14/05/2017 14:12

I wouldn't let you near my child either if I were her.

floraeasy · 14/05/2017 14:15

Your time now would be better served by finding some sites where men are in the same position as you are, OP. So you can support each other.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/05/2017 14:15

Congratulations on getting clean. You are taking some very positive steps, which takes a lot of courage. I hope you manage to see it through. You have a lot to live for.

Don't excuse the aggression even though it may be part and parcel of the addiction. Each time you smoked more weed, you were making a choice to take it in the knowledge that your behaviour may change and you risked acting aggressively.

Original poster
eddie86c · 14/05/2017 14:15

Kurrikurri

I never came on here for pitty or to make anyone feel sorry for me i came here because of the fact I knew that the people on here would be brutally honest with me and of course I haven't said that to her and I wouldn't, as I have previously said I am respecting her wishes and leaving her alone unless it is to do with our son as that is what she has asked of me. I just wanted completely unbias opinions from the outside.

OP posts:
HomityBabbityPie · 14/05/2017 14:16

Your time now would be better served by finding some sites where men are in the same position as you are, OP. So you can support each other.

I think OP will find they are few and far between as most abusive men minimise their behaviour. Just as OP is doing in fact.

rookiemere · 14/05/2017 14:18

Well done for taking those first steps towards improving yourself.

I really hope it works out for you and you're able to make sustainable long term changes to your choices and patterns of behaviour.

You were an awful father and partner. I don't know how long you were taking drugs and being emotionally abusive for, but I'm willing to bet it was much, much longer than two months for your Exp to take the drastic step of actually leaving.

If you're genuine about wanting to get back together with her then I would say that your recovery should last at least twice as long as your bad behaviour in order for her to know it's genuine, at least a year for you to work through your issues with the counsellor and have a steady period of not smoking weed.

However even if you do get into a good place - and I sincerely hope that you do - getting back with your Ex is a very bad idea. Unfortunately your past patterns of behaviour make it much harder than starting with a clean slate and there is a DC involved so there can be no slip ups.

PovertyPain · 14/05/2017 14:18

I bet she's on mumsnet, isn't she, op? Are you hoping if she reads this and you get the wording just right, she'll think you've changed? You are saying so many of the right things I think you've got the script down to a fine art. Like another poster said, this is really creepy. I hope she stays well away from you.

Change because you mean it, not because you want her back.

LaLegue · 14/05/2017 14:21

I don't think you will get her back. At least I hope you don't. Two months isn't very long at all and even if it was six months, or a year, even if you thought you were completely rehabilitated, if she takes you back then all you've really learnt is that abused women can be talked round if you grovel enough. It would be far too easy to slip back into your old abusive ways once you thought you were safe to do so. And you have a son who really shouldn't be learning by that example.

The only way you will ever learn from your mistakes and really appreciate what you have lost it to properly lose it for good.

Then hopefully you will have some time to really reflect on your awful behaviour and what it has cost you. It's cost you your family. Now you don't have a family - just a child who will always live somewhere else.

So give yourself some time away from relationships to work on your demons. Then next time you meet a nice woman and want to get involved again, perhaps you will think twice before having a temper tantrum, punching doors and breaking mirrors, terrifying her, or selfishly prioritising weed over your relationship again. Hopefully you will have grown up, wised up, learnt what not to do if you want to be a proper man in a proper grown up relationship where you take responsibility for your own actions.

But there is only one way you can really learn any of that - and that's the hard way.

LaLegue · 14/05/2017 14:21

I wondered that too PovertyPain

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/05/2017 14:21

"there was no conscious choice to be aggressive"
No. Cop out. Total cop out. You totally chose your behaviour. You can cling to the notion that it wasn't conscious, you still can't get around that it was a choice.

And I agree they you are using emotionally manipulative language. I wonder if you are practising it here, seeing what works, all the better to manipulate your ex.