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Original poster

When IS the right time to move in together?

101 replies

MyGastIsFlabbered · 14/05/2017 12:37

So many threads on here jump on LPs for introducing new partners to their children etc too soon, so when, according to the MN jury is the correct time to do this?

OP posts:
SaltySeaDog72 · 16/05/2017 19:46

I recommend you download 'why you will marry the wrong person it's brill

jouu · 16/05/2017 19:46

'I feel like I'm a better person when I'm with him' does indeed sound trite, it's infatuation and does not reflect the nuts and bolts of gritty real life compatibility, tested out by time and life situations and actually getting to know someone

Agree, that's the kind of statement that makes me assume infatuation. Which is wonderful and highly enjoyable, but it's a biological state intended to encourage humans to breed. It's temporary. It's not a sign of actual compatibility.

Original poster
MyGastIsFlabbered · 16/05/2017 19:47

You sound very clinically detached Jou. Obviously I've had relationships before and yes, you do recover if it doesn't work out, but for me it's a slow and painful process. The dispassionate way you talk about it makes me wonder

OP posts:
Original poster
MyGastIsFlabbered · 16/05/2017 19:50

Salty I married the wrong person already...he completely changed the moment we got married which is why I'm wary and wonder if you can ever really know someone.

Believe me, I've been infatuated before and this ISN'T it but I'm unlikely to convince you of that.

And please remember I said upthread I'm not about to move him in tomorrow, we've got plenty of time to get to know each other before it actually happens.

OP posts:
wannabestressfree · 16/05/2017 19:59

Jou doesn't sound detached just someone who puts the best interests of her children first.

Original poster
MyGastIsFlabbered · 16/05/2017 20:01

Are you saying I'm not?

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 16/05/2017 20:02

What on earth does "makes you wonder" mean?

Jouu doesn't come across as detached at all, she comes across as intelligent and thoughtful.

Ellisandra · 16/05/2017 20:04

"I feel like a better person when I'm with him" sounds very odd, and worrying.

Are you not a worthwhile, good, valuable person in your own right?

Why on earth does being with someone make you a better person? Can you explain what you actually mean by that? You should work on being the best person you can be, and happy with who you are, without an outside prop for that.

Original poster
MyGastIsFlabbered · 16/05/2017 20:05

I think anyone who talks so clinically about love being a temporary thing, and being able to walk away apparently without any ill effects...well it makes me wonder if they've ever truly been in love and lost that love. It's something I find deeply traumatic.

OP posts:
BitchQueen90 · 16/05/2017 20:07

Me personally I wouldn't move in with anyone unless I'd been with them 2 years+. I'd introduce them to my DS before that but not move in. Protecting mine and my DS's home is very important to me and I really don't think you "know" someone properly after a few months.

But then again, I am a cynic and I know I am. I find it incredibly difficult to trust people so maybe I'm not the norm.

I don't see what the rush is if you really feel you're going to be in it for the long term.

Ellisandra · 16/05/2017 20:12

Well, it's traumatic when it happens.
Actually... I think for most people it's probably deeply upsetting rather than traumatic.

Trauma is a pretty extreme response. I think trauma comes more when they're are additional factors complicating it. Like being cheated on, getting shafted financially - that sort of thing.

I've been dumped, I've been deeply upset... and then... you get over it. Pretty much time is the healer and most people move on.

I think the ill effects are mostly short lived. "This too shall pass".

Ellisandra · 16/05/2017 20:15

"He doesn't drive" is right up there in the list of not good enough reasons to move in together.

Learn.

If he can't afford a car, or medically can't hold a licence, or keeps failing his test... then you need to be creative.

NoMudNoLotus2 · 16/05/2017 20:17

When I met my dp and fell in love with him I realised I'd not actually been in love before, even though I thought I had Hmm

I don't care I people think I'm soppy 😁 It's a sad world out there a lot of the time so a bit of love is what makes it go around. Didn't anyone see love actually 😂

Teabay · 16/05/2017 20:19

no mud
Star bingo!

Original poster
MyGastIsFlabbered · 16/05/2017 20:20

Ellisandra he's absolutely not moving in until he's independently mobile, that's a given. I was using that as a reason why we don't always manage to see each other away from the children.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyGastIsFlabbered · 16/05/2017 20:20

I bloody hate the film Love Actually

OP posts:
NoMudNoLotus2 · 16/05/2017 20:31

What!! Love Actually is one of the best films ever!!

Original poster
MyGastIsFlabbered · 16/05/2017 20:35

I think I watched it at the wrong time in my life and it just depressed me

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 16/05/2017 20:36

My XH's favourite bloody film!
Prostitute shagging cheating arsehole that he is Confused

NoMudNoLotus2 · 16/05/2017 20:40

No it's an uplifting film! Not all about boyfriend /girlfriend relationships. There's love everywhere between that woman and her brother with disabilities, Emma Thompsons character and her brother and children, the man and his son who's just lost their wife/mum etc. It's lovely!

jouu · 16/05/2017 20:40

I have been very much in love. I loved my DH deeply for over 10 years. And it ended, and hurt so much.

And I got better and moved on. And was stronger for it, and through it, realized that I could be the best person I could be by learning to be my own support. Not to rely on anything but my own inner resources. Lean on others, love them, of course, but don't turn to them to be my rock.

I love, love, LOVE my DP. He is just wonderful. But if we split up, I know that I will be OK. My DP also knows that I will be OK. We both know that we are not together because we need to be. But because we choose to be. Neither of us leans so hard on the other that we feel there would be "trauma" if we split.

If I saw that every ended relationship would result in me feeling actual trauma, I don't think I would bother with one while DC still need me so much tbh. It would be too much of a risk.

NoMudNoLotus2 · 16/05/2017 20:48

I thought I was in love with my ex dh, I mean I did love him, but I now realise I wasn't in love with him as I've honesty never felt the feelings/way I do now about my dp ever before and if we broke up for whatever reason, I can honestly say I would be happy to never have another relationship again. I never thought with my ex dh, I always thought if we broke up I would find someone else.

Still soppy... Off to watch Love Actually 😁

HolgerDanske · 16/05/2017 21:44

My fiancé and I waited/are waiting till my two children have moved out and are well on their way in the world.

My eldest has flown, my youngest is now 18 and will likely be moved out within a year or two.

They were nine and eleven when we started our relationship.

wannabestressfree · 16/05/2017 21:50

I think a lot of this (and it's going to sound patronising) is being happy in yourself and on your own. Not to base it on having to be with someone.
It has taken me a long time to get there. I have horrible regrets over my xh and the effect he had on my eldest son. I think he had a lot to do with the massive deterioration in my sons mental health and well being (I have too with aspergers). I wish I had been strong enough to say 'I can do this alone'.
Because I can and I do. And it's what's best for my sons.

SaltySeaDog72 · 17/05/2017 09:56

Definitely agree wannabe it's about being happy with yourself and meeting your own needs. Supporting and appreciating yourself. Which leaves space to enjoy a relationship without rushing into being totally pivotal to each other and in the meantime, keeping a bit of healthy distance to assess compatibility after the honeymoon period ends.

Personally I'm 15 months in and still very much in the honeymoon phase.

It's not being detached it's being emotionally healthy and grown up.
So important when there are kids to consider.