When IS the right time to move in together?

[MyGastIsFlabbered]

So many threads on here jump on LPs for introducing new partners to their children etc too soon, so when, according to the MN jury is the correct time to do this?

Crikey, why do it?
If you can afford to stay as is, why move in together?

Thanks Gallavich for your judgy pants. I didn't say it worked for everyone, just for us. After years of emotional abuse from DD's father prior to her and during my pregnancy, I was single for a long time f

After five months with young children is bonkers.

Plus when you find someone lovely (which lets face it is like a needle in a haystack affair) why fast forward through the lovely early 'dating/get to know you phase'? The relationship might feel right but right now it's infatuation and not a deep, secure, love, not tested in any way, both are on best behaviour and just don't know each other. Not really. I would think that always applies after divorce with children. Surely it's nice just to enjoy the new relationship?

Also OP when you have unstable mental health (sorry OP but your username is quite recognisable) I would have said it's even more important to go very slow.

In answer to your question (I'm divorced and with a new man, we both have kids, been together 14 months - very early days still):

When to meet dc depends on how long separated, whether everyone (kids in particular) is reasonably settled, about 6 months or so at least.

When to move in? When everyone has an established relationship that works and knows each other reasonably well. And it has been planned in detail and discussed and everyone is moving at the pace of the slowest/most reticent person. About 3+ years?

A friend of mine blended with new partner and dc and moved in within a year and moved dc schools and their home is drastically different in atmosphere and It was a lot for the kids. think it was forced and was not right.

It's different for everyone. For me it was a year before we moved in and 6 years to get married. Another couple I know were together 2 weeks before they got married and moved in (20 years and still going)

Kursk - with dc?!

I introduced my daughter of 20 months at the time after three months, we all moved in together 9 months later. She's now 7, he adopted her, we've got a 3 year old together and married.

What are you classing as young children? Under 5s? 😊

Thanks Gallavich for your judgy pants

It's pretty sad that you're so defensive that you take my reasoned comments as 'judgy pants'. Why don't you re-read what I wrote without your own judgy pants on? It's objectively reckless to expose young children to potential attachment figures when those adults have no investment in staying in those children's lives long term. You've been lucky that your partner is still around so far (18 months is still early days though) but you really had no way of knowing it would work out after 5 months - you took a leap of faith and gambled with your child's emotional wellbeing and security.

To be fair you could introduce your child to a partner after 3 years and it all fall apart within a short time after. You just don't know so it's always a leap of faith at any stage.

I think of "young children" as being, optimistically, 5 and under. Ideally 7 and under, to take into account how emotionally young some 7yos can be, iyswim.

IMO 0-7 years of age is when self image forms and the foundations of attachment for the rest of the child's life are put in place. I don't like to mess with that period of a child's life if I can help it. Let stability and calm reign so that the child has the best chance of happy stability later in life.

I am pretty relaxed about early introductions (caveat: age of kids and their personality).

What is important for me there, is:

• that the child is aware what dating is - for my 7yo, that meant understanding that it was a potentially temporary relationship where I am getting to know someone and see if we have things in common and if he is kind, honest, fun and respectful. I'm happy for her to know that dating is what adults do.

• new man is not presented as some kind of step parent from day one! I don't mind her meeting him briefly, or having some trips out (we went to the theatre with all our kids after about 3 months) as long as he isn't in any more of a role to her than a friend of mine would be. No "parenting" her.

But I think you should wait at least 2 years before moving in together. That's not going to show you everything! But you have a chance for an act to slip - or simply to realise the first flush is over and it's not going anywhere.

Then there are other factors... in my case, her stepmother recently moved in with her father. Had I been ready with my fiancé, I'd have postponed it so she didn't have two big changes close together. We're also waiting because his kids are older - so actually it would be a bit irritating to have an 7yo (who they like, but they 23, 19 and 17) interrupting their dynamic. Only the 17yo is home full time, and he has had some MH issues that mean lots of 1:1 with my fiancé is better. We don't want to upset that dynamic. We've talked to him and he's happy for us to combine homes after he goes to uni. Of course, we're planning to wait longer still so that he doesn't have lots of change at once. Lots of other things too.

If our kids were grown up, we'd have moved in after 3 months when we got engaged. As it is, we'll be waiting 3 years. Because our children do not deserve to have their home life and existing dynamics fucked with on our whim. We will wait longer if something changes and it seems sensible to.

We already plan to keep his house empty for at least 6 months so we can do the move "part time" and move out again if needed. Not because we don't think we'll last - but because we can't predict if (say) his son will be unsettled by coming home for uni hols to a house that was never his home. You have to think about the children, not yourself.

Short answer: somewhere between 2 years and never!

Agree it's always a leap of faith. But I think it's really important that the gradual blending has a natural pace.

And for kids I believe that would be years.

Look to be honest, almost all the threads I read where I think it's too fast moving in is pretty much 99% of the time because the bloke is not independently living, he's with his parents or a mates sofa and it appears to be a logistical decision based on finances and ease rather than being well thought through

A lot of men find themselves a bit homeless after a separation and some do seem to look for a new woman to take care of them regardless of the realities of what this means for the kids.

So many factors here but the main one... why are you doing it? You want to spend more time together or BF is sleeping on his mums sofa are the very worst reasons

Of course it's always a leap of faith but for goodness sake you know a person much better after 2 years rather than 5 months! Does anyone dispute that?!
Taking the view that anything could go wrong at any time so why bother risk assessing anything is not good parenting and is totally irresponsible. The same principle applies to children and new partners.

I'm not prepared to gamble my kids on a leap of faith without as many reassurances as I can possibly gather before hand. For the right reasons for all of us.

Otherwise isn't it just like driving without any headlights on at night hoping you don't crash 🙄

NoMud I don't think that's a good reason to move quickly (that after 3 years it still could end).

Well of course it could - but you've got more chance of

1. Weeding out a tosser
2. Allowing your child time to adjust

My 7yo adores my fiancé, is very happy when she hears he's coming over. But when he's here, she's always just a little bit more cuddly. Not clingy, not upset - but maybe an extra hug before bedtime, or a little bit more demanding for an extra page of a bedtime story. She's making sure she has attention, making sure she's still important. That's a happy child who likes him (and asks why he can't move in sooner!) But I see clearly that it does impact her. That's why I won't rush anything.

5 months is irresponsible madness.
Yeah, for some people it'll work out - thank goodness for the kids.
but it's still irresponsible madness to take that risk with children's emotional wellbeing.

I think you can tell if someone genuinely likes or children or is putting on an act.

I don't believe that at all, I don't think you can get to know a new 'partner' for months, look at all the threads on Mumsnet where relationships go wrong and people say 'he's changed so much since we first met'.

Everyone puts on a good act when they first meet.

Personally I wouldn't even consider dating again if DH and I broke up - until my DC left home and actually would much prefer to be on my own.

Would you marry someone after 5 months? No, of course you wouldn't. But if you're going to move in with someone and you already have DC it's essentially the same level of commitment. Higher, really, because it's higher stress and in at the deep end.

There is no way you get to this point before a year and even this is much, much too fast. A minimum of two years, I think at the very least.

You need to have spent extended periods of time with each other not on "best behaviour".
You need to be okay with him being a second parent to the DC unless they are older (10+) and/or still have a strong relationship with their dad.
Either way you need to know they get on, including crunch points like discipline, bad behaviour, bad moods.
You need to know how you're going to split and manage responsibilities like housework, childcare, financial support of the household, managing available finances. Never assume. Talk about it.
You need to know how you cope as a couple with stressful situations, emotional decisions, and families blending. (At five months, it seems unlikely that you would have even thrown a joint BBQ).
You need to be on the same page regarding potential future children and/or pets, and if you want more children, to be sensitive to the needs of your older children.

You don't get to have a "trial run" like you would pre DC. You can't move him in and then out again. You need to be 100% sure and then wait 50% of that time again and see if you're still sure. I don't personally have a problem with introducing a new partner to DC early on as long as it's done in a controlled way but moving in is a totally different story, and has such huge consequences. I think it's a really important one to get right. You can't wait too long - you can absolutely move in too soon. In fact, DH and I initially moved in together a year in despite my misgivings and we probably would have split up if he hadn't happened to get a job abroad which took him right away for over a year. It was really lucky (and also could have split us up, TBH, it was so close) - I think if that freak chance hadn't happened, we probably wouldn't still be together.

Be bloody careful. A whirlwind relationship which "just feels right" is a huge red flag, because someone who is emotionally stable is normally keeping things slow at this stage and testing the waters, not jumping in head first. Be careful that this is not a manipulative tactic. Remember when something seems too good to be true it usually is.

Good luck!

I do agree about the "first flush" when moving in. I wouldn't agree on partners moving in together and setting up home with dc before that first wave a romance and fluster has passed because that's just gonna be a ticking time bomb for when reality of life/relationships kick in.

I don't see anything wrong with kids meeting up with partners though and having trips out etc in the early days as long as (as the poster above said) they aren't presented in a "here is your new step mummy/daddy kind of way. It's nice for them to build a relationship in a casual, fun way.

I don't ever see myself as "step mum" now nor in the future. I will just be my name and be there if they need me. I'm not going to start trying to be mum to his ds, he has a mum and i respect that.

BertieBotts nailed it.

100%

A whirlwind relationship which "just feels right" is a huge red flag

Quoted for truth.

There's a significant minority of women, in particular, who HATE hearing this, but it's the honest to God truth.

The time for DC having a step parent relationship with a new partner is when the first flush is long, long gone and you've had ample opportunity to see the worst of each other.

On marriage...
Not everyone wants to marry and that's fine.
But no way in hell would I move a man in with my child (or me with his) if we weren't both committed and sure enough to marry each other.

So there's your first test OP - would he marry you? And you him?

A "yes" still doesn't mean it's good idea. But a "no"? There'd have to be a good reason for that no, in my book.

I have moved in with an ex DP previously after being in a relationship for less than a year because 'it just felt right', and unfortunately for my DC things quickly turned sour and the relationship ended. I will forever carry a huge burden of guilt for disrupting my DC's life and living arrangements. To be quite frank, moving in with a DP after such a short amount of time is totally prioritising the adult's needs over the children's needs. I urge you not to do it. I'm not saying it's the same in all situations, as obviously there are lots of examples of happy endings and they are the biases I focused on to justify my move. Why risk it? Wait a good while longer.

For anyone wondering, we've discussed moving in together but in all likelihood it won't be this year. But I'm surprised myself that it is even something I'd consider after 5 months.

And thanks to the PP who brought my MH into the thread.

I met my stepsons at the same time I met DH, they all used to come to the pub where I worked. I moved in with DH and the boys pretty soon, within a couple of months, because I couldn't afford my rent (I had rented with my ex and when he stopped paying his half I was stuffed). DSS1 was 18 and DSS2 12, and DH had full custody.