When IS the right time to move in together?

[MyGastIsFlabbered]

So many threads on here jump on LPs for introducing new partners to their children etc too soon, so when, according to the MN jury is the correct time to do this?

To be quite frank, moving in with a DP after such a short amount of time is totally prioritising the adult's needs over the children's needs.

^^ Agree with this comment 100%.

And - do you really believe that moving in with someone because you couldn't afford your rent is the right thing to do when there are children involved ?

As I posted earlier I believe this is the true main reason people do it too soon - money

Okay, I've been dating my BF for seven months. He asked me if I would like to move in with him. I said maybe, in a while, but let's not rush things. I'm 40 so not a kid. And I LOVE HIM! And I have no kids. I have a cat. You need to slow your roll. It will still be there for you a few more months down the line.

YY, Pookie, I think you're absolutely right. That was one of the things which pushed us into doing it too soon. I do understand the logic feeling of that kind of decision, especially when rent is so high, renting can be unstable and it feels hopeless that you'll ever be able to buy and/or are (one or both) struggling financially apart - it is so expensive to run two households especially with children in one of them. In hindsight, it really is worth it for the emotional security. It can just be so miserable to be skint, I get that part 100%.

I think knowing that ultimately you will have a life together that includes cohabiting, early on is fine. Actually acting on it, less so.

I've been with my boyfriend 6 months, yes he has met my child. For days out in the park etc, controlled and not overly intimate. We've discussed our shared future and are very much on the same page, we want to live together and so on. But in time, for now we're enjoying this stage of our relationship, very slowly and gently allowing a relationship to develop between him and my child. Both of understand that there could be massive pitfalls to rushing and acknowledging that if we are right and this is a long term, forever relationship, there is no need to rush, we have all the time in the world to make sure we do it right. He understands that my child's well being is ultimately my main priority.

I did a 'test run' meeting of DC with my DP at around 3 months where we 'bumped into each other' on the beach, had a little walk along and said goodbye. DC were young and would have had no idea it was anything more than a chance meeting with a friend of mummy's. I wanted him to see me in 'parent mode' to make sure he had an idea of that side of my life and whether he could cope with dating a mum (he is childless).

2 years in and I wouldn't even entertain the idea of moving in. I keep my relationship and my family life quite separate, although he has met them a few times in passing and briefly. No way would I disrupt their little lives unless I was sure as sure can be that the relationship had legs. As it happens, it works out very nicely living apart. I enjoy my child free time with DP, there aren't any complications in terms of trying to integrate relationships and families with all the inevitable issues. I also enjoy my DC and like being able to do exactly as I want with them as a single parent would. I'm not averse to in the future having a little more crossover (maybe a day out here and there together etc.) but I am super super cautious, and really see no rush. In my opinion, 5 months is way, way too soon. 2 year feels too soon. It's a huge gamble with your DC's happiness and stability, and the steaks are high.

ragwort well 18 years later we are still together and married, and have a child of our own. I got pregnant within a few months of us getting together, yes it was an unplanned pregnancy but we both were happy and excited. I got on well with my stepsons and still do.

The impact on the boys was positive in many respects and my younger DSS always asked me to do parents evenings and suchlike with his dad, because he liked having a stepmum (and a mother figure who took an interest).

Could you just take steps for now? Your partner comes for entire weekend etc. and just gradually build on things. As you have kids I'm sure he will understand.

Just one little tip about moving in together.

NEVER NEVER move into a home with someone where you have no legal right to reside there. By that i mean you are not on the tenancy agreement, you are not registered at the land reg as a part owner/proprietor

I'm going to go against the grain a little here, and say that sometimes it's not ALL about the DC.
Yes, of course consider them, and yes of course make decisions based on a long term view - they don't need you to have 18 partners, but sometimes they will just have to be part of the adult's world and decisions.
A child who feels like they can say "actually I don't want to live with DP" has an unhealthy amount of power which can skew relationships all over the place.
Trust your instinct - for some posters it clearly works sooner, and for some later. Only you know your DC.
Good luck - being with a lovely DP is a magical thing, don't lose it.

Teabay, I do see what you're saying there. My father left my mum when I was 2 and my sister was 5. My mum never had a relationship again, mainly because in the early days she didn't want to "disrupt" the kids (us) etc, then as time went on she got to a stage where she was so used to being on her own she didn't know how to go about finding a partner.

I remember when I was about 15 or 16 and she did a few of those meetups from the paper (online dating didn't exist then) and nothing ever went further than a first meetup. I know she had proper bouts of loneliness, especially when my sister and I got to teenagers and went off with our own "worlds" going on. My mum missed the boat I suppose and ended up lonely because by the time she decided at maybe dating, it had been so long she didn't know how. In the mean time me and my sister buggered off and she misses out even now with a partner. Part of me wished she had jumped on the boat when we were little, then everyone would have got on with it (providing he wasn't a nutter of course!) and my mum would have someone to share her life with now we're all grown up and moved on etc.

I don't think there is any right or wrong. It's different for each couple.

It's not about giving children the power over parents' relationships. It's about making sure that the massive change to a child's life is done in a considered and responsible manner.

Slow and steady is the way forward. I've been with my BF for 10 months, but known him for a few years well. He know DD before anyway from when we were friends. We spend 2 nights together with DD over the weekend then I go over one night a week on my own. I think it is important for our relationship that we have some time alone.

I know in my boots I will marry him. I love him and we have a very sure, steady relationship. We have a huge amount in common and have the same approach to things and the same values and he is brilliant with DD.

BUT

It has only been 10 months! I've had people asking me when we were going to move in together and it is far, far too soon. We have discussed it and possibly next summer we will look at it when we have been together 2 years.

We know we will be together for the rest of our lives; why rush?! What is an extra year in a lifetime?

Children have almost no power at all, and if their lives are disrupted without them feeling safe and listened to, that's when they act out in an attempt to gain some semblance of control, no matter how miserable it makes them or their parents. And that can apply even when a good stepparent figure has been chosen, but the timing/communication is a little off...

What about when the parent actually makes a bad decision, and tries to integrate the wrong person into the family? Which, as I'm sure many adult children of fuckwit parents here can attest, happens fairly frequently? What about when it's bad partner + bad timing/pacing + poor communication with the kids involved? Is it best for those children just to accept that "they will just have to be part of the adult's world and decisions"?

No, it's a completely shit situation for the children then. No-one wins.

Much better to mitigate ALL risk by moving very slowly and remembering that childhoods happen only once.

I also greatly disagree with "trust your instinct". A good sign that you're involved with a sociopath is that they mirror you very well and make everything "feel right".

Feelings are incredibly bad indicators of most facts. Taking one's time is a FAR superior approach.

It's not about some spoiled brat refusing to let a new boyfriend move in just so they can wield some power, though.

It's about children having a valid reason.

To the adult, I say - think about your boyfriend's best mate / brother / colleague. Imagine you've been on nights out with them - they're cool! Nice to you, respectful. You like them, you have fun together. Great. Now - news flash! They're moving in. No, you don't have a say about that. Oh and by the way - they're going to be slightly in charge of you. And they'll want to chat to your boyfriend when you do. Happy about that? Bet you're bloody not! If an adult wouldn't choose another person to move in, why would a child like it?

They might, and that's great. But it is not giving them too much power to acknowledge that it's not always best for them to have another adult move in.

And let's not forget that in most cases, these children have already been through a massive disruption to family life. Sometimes twice if their other parent has a new partner.

There are massive double standards on MN when it comes to this subject.

I remember being upset last year because I was berated for wanting my DCs to tolerate occasional days out with my boyfriend of 3 months, yet there was a thread around the same time in which someone was getting married about 6 months after being widowed (with young kids) and everyone was falling over themselves congratulating her and saying how lovely it was!

The other thing you have to consider is whether or not the kids spend time with their other parent. Posters like TheNaze will come on here and say you shouldn't introduce kids to a new partner for 2 years, but he clearly isn't the resident parent of young kids. It would be totally unreasonable to expect someone who had no child-free time at all apart from 9-3 Mon-Fri to not introduce a new partner for 2 years!

That said, I think moving in is a different matter. OP do you live a long way apart? Is there a reason why you're not happy to continue dating, spending nights/weekends together while not formally cohabiting?

I don't think it's double standards. I think it's different people giving their opinions in different situations.

If I saw a thread where a woman got married 6m after being widowed and they had small children, I would assume the man was predatory and the woman was suffering a dearth of proper grief counseling, sorry. Would I say it in the thread? Depends on the thread - most "I was bereaved" threads just aren't the type where one wades in with an opinion, they're more for support.

If I saw a thread where a woman had her small DC have days out with a man she had met 3 months ago, I would assume she was taking the path of least resistance and not making great decisions. Would I say it in the thread? Again, it depends if she was asking for advice, etc.

It would be totally unreasonable to expect someone who had no child-free time at all apart from 9-3 Mon-Fri to not introduce a new partner for 2 years! I don't actually think so. You can have lunch, take days off together, have long soppy phone calls, and he can come over after the children are in bed/leave before they wake up. You can also take time to develop the support network you need outside of the couple setup, to get a night or two off each month. That's a much better investment than just chucking the new man into the family social life right away.

It's two years. Why is it so difficult to take things slowly?

I dunno, there are so many situations with family life that you can't really have a one fits all scenario. My friend for instance took her time with her dp introducing them to her kids , only seeing them on a weekend or just as they were going to bed. They did that for 2 years, then my friend got pregnant it went from that (casual etc) to moving house, him moving in and a new baby plus his kids coming over every other weekend all within months. It was a drastic change very quickly.

Then on the other hand I've know a woman who had her ds at 18, split with his dad when he was 4, then had a different bloke every few months where he would be instantly introduced to her ds and moved in straight away. Then when it went sour he'd be moved out and the next one would be in. It was an awful situation and you could see the boy will have problems when he is older.

Every situation is so different and there is no clear right way to do anything.

Imagine if you'd been dating your partner for 2 years, then introduced them to your children and there was mutual loathing....how hard would it be to extricate yourself from that? Could you really give up on 2 years worth of relationship because your partner can't get on with your children? My boys are 7 and 4 so it wouldn't be as simple as waiting until they're older/moved out....that would be a hell of a long wait.

My boyfriend works shifts so it's not so simple to see him without the kids about. Plus he doesn't drive and where I live is a bit of a nightmare to get to on public transport.

It sounds trite but I genuinely feel like I'm a better person when I'm with him.

introduced them to your children and there was mutual loathing
What decent adult would "loathe" a child?

Could you really give up on 2 years worth of relationship because your partner can't get on with your children?
You needn't give up on it though, just accept that if you want to continue, you should keep the partner separate from the children. It's not brain surgery surely?

My youngest is 4, if it were better that he lived with me only until he was 18, what harm is there in that? My DP told me himself if I ever put him (DP) ahead of DC, it would mean I wasn't the person he thought I was. Because DP is a decent human being who would never "loathe" an innocent child or resent them having needs

In any case even if you ended the relationship at two years, it's not as if it was wasted time, you'd have had a lovely time together etc but it just didn't work out. Is that really so terrible?

Perhaps it comes down to whether a person can stand the idea of being alone. For me, if a relationship ends, that's fine I'll either find another, or I won't, either way I can find happiness. So I don't wring my hands about whether the relationship "has legs" etc. Just go with it, it works or it doesn't, what's important is the DC surely?

Mutual loathing was a term I picked to easily make a point. As I said earlier, with my previous boyfriend it was obvious he disliked my children, because of that he wasn't the person I thought he was so we broke up soon after...but it would have been a lot more difficult after 2 years when presumably I would be in love with him.

And I do want to live with somebody again so keeping a boyfriend and children separate forever isn't for me. Nor is it for my boyfriend. He genuinely enjoys spending time with them, but has no designs on taking over parenting.

Agree with jouu re how different threads get difference responses, the context is always different.

I for one don't see why you should necessarily always keep a boyf separate from dc at 5 months. But you certainly should not be spending most of the time with dc present.

'I feel like I'm a better person when I'm with him' does indeed sound trite, it's infatuation and does not reflect the nuts and bolts of gritty real life compatibility, tested out by time and life situations and actually getting to know someone

Oh FFS I can't win can I? I am most definitely NOT infatuated with him, I accept his faults and I most certainly do not spend most of my time with the DCs with him present as well.

it would have been a lot more difficult after 2 years when presumably I would be in love with him.

I think there are just a lot of differences in how people think. "Being in love" with someone is a temporary thing in my mind, it's something you can ride out, it's not a difficult thing in and of itself.

So, if I was in love with a man, and then he didn't get on with DC, I would be 100% aware that in time the feelings would fade so I wouldn't need to torture myself over it. Just keep things separate and when the googly eyes feelings wear off, move on.

"Falling in love" is easy and usually enjoyable, and it's temporary. You can fall in love with anyone. When you fall in love with your kidnapper it's called Stockholm syndrome, for example. It's not a big cosmic thing with real meaning.