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Relationships

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Original poster

Does this count as rape? Need some perspective please

75 replies

BeauxReves · 14/05/2017 08:55

I've name changed for this. Brand new relationship, you've made it very clear you don't want to have sex yet. Things start getting intimate. He confirms there will be no sex. Without any warning, without shifting his body weight or changing position in any way he suddenly swaps his fingers for his un condomed penis and starts having sex with you. Takes you a second or two to process what's happening because you have agreed no sex. You are horrified and start trying to get away from him and push him off you. He carties on for few seconds then stops. Is that rape? Is there any salvaging this relationship? Don't want to over react. Thank you

OP posts:

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 14/05/2017 08:57

I would say it was yes. You said no sex, he said there would be no sex but suddenly, with no indication that you had changed your mind, there was sex.

I'm so sorry OP

Runningissimple · 14/05/2017 08:57

This is rape and a big red flag. He feels entitled to your body. Get out of the relationship. Fast. This will not improve.

Haudyerwheesht · 14/05/2017 08:59

This happened to me almost exactly. I didn't think it was but I was shaken up.

However, reading your OP it does sound like rape tbh.

MrsDustyBusty · 14/05/2017 08:59

Of course it's rape. Do not ever allow yourself to be alone and vulnerable with this man again. He's potentially very dangerous.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 14/05/2017 08:59

I would say yes. How could he argue that he had "reasonable belief that you were consenting"?

AliceTown · 14/05/2017 09:00

Definitely rape. Not even ambiguous imo. You clearly said no sex and he penetrated you with his penis.

UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 14/05/2017 09:01

Yes that's rape.

peukpokicuzo · 14/05/2017 09:01

Of course that is rape.
What a git.
Report him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/05/2017 09:02

I think you were raped too.

You may want to talk to Rape Crisis about this also; they will be able to help you rapecrisis.org.uk/

Smeaton · 14/05/2017 09:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FaithAgain · 14/05/2017 09:07

It is. I'm so sorry OP. Would you consider reporting him?

WinchestersInATardis · 14/05/2017 09:09

You made it clear you didn't want to. He did it anyway without warning and without a condom. You try to push him off and he carries on (even if it was only seconds)
Yes, that's rape.
No, no salvaging this one. And you are not even close to overreacting.
I'm sorry this has happened to you, OP.

TrishanFlips · 14/05/2017 09:10

He might have thought that in the throes of passion you were prepared to go further. He stopped when you made it clear you didn't want to. I would not say it was rape. You need to talk to him about it and assess whether you can trust him again.

MrsDustyBusty · 14/05/2017 09:12

The time to check whether she had changed her mind was beforehand.

Quartz2208 · 14/05/2017 09:12

Yep its rape (he confirmed there was no consent and it was unprotected and he carried on after you said no for a few seconds).

You can report but at the very least there is no coming back I dont think for the relationship

PacificDogwod · 14/05/2017 09:14

Yes, undoubtably rape, I am so sorry.

You would be very much within your rights to report him - if you want to talk through how you feel about events contact RapeCrisis.

He has shown you who he is - take heed.

Welk · 14/05/2017 09:15

It is rape, OP. The throes of passion do not excuse someone from turning a previous discussion where it was explicitly said that there will be no sex, into one where you can think "she probably meant yes if I get into the throes of passion". There was no consent, it was rape.

MrsDustyBusty · 14/05/2017 09:16

Yeah, but there always has to be an excuse for men's bad behaviour. God forbid they'd be responsible for what they do.

Meeep · 14/05/2017 09:17

TrishanFlips - Absolutely wrong and I'm so upset there is anyone out there who thinks like that.
If he hoped that the OP had changed her mind, and suddenly wanted unprotected sex for their first time, it was his responsibility to ask, otherwise it's rape, that's exactly what rape is.

FaithAgain · 14/05/2017 09:21

I find it hard to believe in the 'throes of passion' he had time to put a condom on but not to gain consent...

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 14/05/2017 09:22

I told one of my sixth form students off the other day for claiming that "she likes it really even though she says she doesn't" - something entirely unrelated to sex, but I pointed out what a dangerous mindset that was to have.

I can't believe you are excusing him because he was in "the throes of passion", TrishanFlips. Basically, that gives men a free pass to do what they like in the name of passion

category12 · 14/05/2017 09:23

Yes it's rape.

PacificDogwod · 14/05/2017 09:23

Faith, there was no condom.

'Throws of Passion' is a really outdated way to exculpate the notion of 'ah well, she said no, but did not really mean it' - entitled, misogynistic behaviour and in the eyes of the law no excuse AT ALL.

Welk · 14/05/2017 09:24

I'm sorry this happened to you OP.

To make an understatement, this man has no respect for your rights, your wishes or your body. You deserve better than trying to salvage it as if it's your fault.

Speaking from experience, get away from him. Don't try to discuss it, he will only make excuses. If he's an extra special rapist, he will also try to gaslight you and convince you that it was your fault, and will continue to have no respect for your rights, wishes or body if you continue the relationship.

It's too big a risk to take. There are plenty of non-rapists about, don't give the benefit of the doubt to a rapist, you will very likely be sacrificing your own happiness and sanity.

FaithAgain · 14/05/2017 09:24

Ah sorry misread the OP. Still. It takes second to ask for consent.

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