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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Does this count as rape? Need some perspective please

75 replies

BeauxReves · 14/05/2017 08:55

I've name changed for this. Brand new relationship, you've made it very clear you don't want to have sex yet. Things start getting intimate. He confirms there will be no sex. Without any warning, without shifting his body weight or changing position in any way he suddenly swaps his fingers for his un condomed penis and starts having sex with you. Takes you a second or two to process what's happening because you have agreed no sex. You are horrified and start trying to get away from him and push him off you. He carties on for few seconds then stops. Is that rape? Is there any salvaging this relationship? Don't want to over react. Thank you

OP posts:

Gallavich · 14/05/2017 10:37

Why are you so keen to keep this man in your life? You aren't invested in any real way. You don't need to report him, you don't need to do anything other than end things with him. What is it that is stopping you?

Trishan you know the 'throes of passion' is a flawed concept that has been used to excuse rape and sexual assault for centuries? The belief that men are unable to control themselves when sexually aroused is factually incorrect and very harmful. Sex without consent is always rape and in this case he knew perfectly well that she didn't consent, because she told him in advance what she was not prepared to do. Rarely is a man so fully in possession of a clear lack of consent.

HerOtherHalf · 14/05/2017 10:37

He might have thought that in the throes of passion you were prepared to go further. He stopped when you made it clear you didn't want to. I would not say it was rape. You need to talk to him about it and assess whether you can trust him again.

Are you serious? She had made it explicitly clear sex was not on offer. If he thought she might be up for changing her mind he should have asked. He didn't ask, he didn't even make it obvious he was intending to PIV. Of course it is rape, 100% and twice on Sundays. She should report him, she should not have any further contact with him under any circumstances and you should seriously reassess your understanding of vonsent.

WellThisIsShit · 14/05/2017 10:42

You poor thing

Be very kind to yourself and treat yourself gently for a while - perfectly normal body & brain reaction to having had a nasty shock (to say the least). It's easier if you think of it as being a bit poorly and needing care rather than an annoying reaction you try and shake off or 'snap out of'.

It must have been horrible. The shock and confusion that he'd deliberately break all the bond you were starting to have, and just ignored the consent and boundaries you'd been clear about, and that he'd agreed to... and then he decided he had the right to ignore all of that and stick it in anyway, just because he could.

That's foul and shows such disrespect for women that it's staggering.

It must be making you feel very sad that in this one act he's betrayed all the hopes you had for the future and the image of himself he'd been showing up to that point.

Really horrible and completely unfair that this happened to you.

BigGrannyPants · 14/05/2017 10:47

OP when did this happen? I ask from a purely practical point of view. If you intend to report him, there might still be evidence that will help. If you don't then it's not important. Hope you are far away from this man?

Beyondworried · 14/05/2017 10:48

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HollywoodMontrose · 14/05/2017 10:50

She made it clear she didn't want it before he even started! Sorry this happened to you OP.

Original poster

BeauxReves · 14/05/2017 10:59

I'm not planning to see him again. Need to stay strong. Too late to collect evidence unfortunately

OP posts:

SleepFreeZone · 14/05/2017 11:01

Similar happened to me and to be honest I just walked away and never saw him again. I was more cross than upset.

MrsDustyBusty · 14/05/2017 11:22

Has he tried to contact you since, OP?

Original poster

BeauxReves · 14/05/2017 11:31

Yes we have been in contact but I've told I'm not sure I want to see him

OP posts:

Runningissimple · 14/05/2017 12:44

I think it's normal to minimise when this happens. It's denial and a coping mechanism. Also, it doesn't look like rape in the movies...

I'm glad you're accepting this happened, it is unacceptable and that you are moving away from this relationship. Ime if you let this go it will happen again and again and again. Each time you allow it to happen makes it more acceptable to him and to you. Don't let this happen to you - it's a horrible trap to fall into. Just get away...

ChickenBhuna · 14/05/2017 12:54

Please be strong OP. Regardless of whether this was or was not rape , he doesn't respect your boundaries , which may mean he would go against your will in other ways if you continue to see him.

Good luck.

StatelessPrincess · 14/05/2017 14:35

Yes this is rape. It happened to me once in the same way, I was a virgin. He said he couldn't help himself and I accepted it because I was naive and believed he loved me. It is actually totally unacceptable.
You would be doing yourself a huge disservice to stay with this man, he doesn't respect your body or your mind.

TDHManchester · 14/05/2017 17:07

Just for clarity, im male,this is totally wrong and a betrayal . Technically it is rape.What has happened since? I'd bin him off at the very least and only you will know if you wish to report.

JK1773 · 14/05/2017 17:14

I'd tell him you definitely don't wish to see him again and I'd make it clear to him that he raped you!!!! I'm so angry for you. How dare he do that! I bet you are shocked. I hope you're ok

AnnieAnoniMouse · 14/05/2017 17:20

Have you posted about this before? There was an identical thread the other day. It's no problem if you have, but I'm just wondering (if it was you) what you need to hear, that you didn't on the other thread - how else we can help?

stitchglitched · 14/05/2017 17:25

'He stopped when you made it clear you didn't want to.'

Having already started! The rape had already occurred at that point. Stop being a thick rape apologist.

Fibbertigibbet · 14/05/2017 17:30

That is rape. You explicitly said you did not want him to put his penis in you and he did. This man is dangerous and this is absolutely not something that "just happens" or is an "honest mistake".

missm0use · 14/05/2017 17:33

It is rape! Any unwanted sex is rape! You said no to sex, he said no sex. He then had sex with you - it's rape!

Hidinginplain · 14/05/2017 17:33

I usually think that sometimes MN can go over the top about calling rape

But this is definitely rape OP

PoorYorick · 14/05/2017 17:42

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Toomuchocolate · 14/05/2017 17:49

I would report this to thhhe police. Even if he doesn't get to court it will be on his records and willl prevent him from working with vulnerable people. So sorry this has happened to you.

BigGrannyPants · 14/05/2017 18:12

*Please be strong OP. Regardless of whether this was or was not rape , he doesn't respect your boundaries , which may mean he would go against your will in other ways if you continue to see him.

Good luck.*

This was rape. Don't minimise what has happened. Don't write it off as a misunderstanding. This needs to be treated seriously. OP should not be made to feel as if this is in her head. It's not.

PoorYorick · 14/05/2017 18:18

OP specifically told him before they started that PIV was not permitted. I do not know how much clearer she could possibly have been.

The problem is the undying myth that rape is always an attack by a total stranger who drags a woman into the bushes and is so overtly violent that you can hear her scream three towns away. Even the most snivelling, revolting apologists have no problem with accepting this scenario as rape, largely because it pretty much never happens that way.(Though of course it can, and I do not mean to minimise the experiences of anyone who has been stranger raped.)

MNHQ

IonaMumsnet · 14/05/2017 19:41

Evening folks. We're a bit worried about this OP. We're going to close the thread temporarily while we have a chat with her.

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